Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and... - FML

By CorpseBride - 7/2/2017 04:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

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Family values

Live dumping

Abuse

By RightInTheFace - 12/9/2015 16:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

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By someone - 23/7/2011 08:50 - United States

Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

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By koolkat9 - 22/12/2014 19:11 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By reconnect - 27/12/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2020 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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By Graverobber - 23/11/2018 14:00

Today, as I was fueling my truck, I was asked out to dinner by a 65-year-old retiree. I'm 25. He stormed off and called me a bitch for politely turning him down. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 12:01

Balls up

Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. to realise I'd slept through all of my alarms and missed my really big presentation at university, all because I was up most of the night with food poisoning. FML

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By scumbag i guess - 8/9/2012 00:26 - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2014 22:14 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I horribly lost a game of basketball against my dad. It wouldn't have been so humiliating if he hadn't been piss drunk at the time. FML

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By dadsadipshit - 15/2/2013 23:00 - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

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By whyme - 12/4/2017 22:00

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

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By Lockie - 28/4/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

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By dukebluedevils13 - 5/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

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By catherine - 17/6/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML

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By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By DBR - 23/11/2009 22:12 - United States

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. When I told the man that I wanted Tinkerbell on my lower back area. He snorted and told me that I was way too old to have Tinkerbell on me, and that Disney characters are only cute on people 35 and younger. I'm 23. FML

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By bf - 19/12/2013 02:59 - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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By Jeff make - 1/4/2012 14:03 - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2019 16:00

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

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By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

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By nyebust - 1/1/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2010 16:14 - United States

Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML

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By musamalia - 6/1/2009 11:58 - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

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By Rory - 23/7/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

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By leftout - 13/5/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2016 16:19 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2018 01:30

Today, at work, a customer ordered a caramel latte with no caramel. I made a regular latte after explaining that’s what it was. He got angry and threw it at me. I got fired for insulting his intelligence. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 14:09 - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2010 14:41 - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By Lyingg - 5/10/2011 20:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

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By ohman - 2/10/2010 06:28 - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because 'I look like his hamster when I'm eating sunflower seeds.' FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

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By milly - 20/12/2011 10:43 - Norway

Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

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By thatsucks - 30/12/2011 09:39

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

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Top comments

By GhostFox | 33

#7404261 - Saturday 4 February 2017 10:44

At least he didn't say that he wants to you imitate a corpse in response. That'd be decidedly creepier than brain to mouth filter blooper.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7405635 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:51

Way to kill the mood! Literally.

COMMENTS

By GhostFox | 33

#7404261 - Saturday 4 February 2017 10:44

At least he didn't say that he wants to you imitate a corpse in response. That'd be decidedly creepier than brain to mouth filter blooper.

By kibster9 | 20

#7405620 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:27

Are into necrophylia?

Reply

kibster9 | 20

#7405622 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:29

Sorry, necrophilia**

By RichardPencil | 28

#7405635 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:51

Way to kill the mood! Literally.

By squizzlebee | 19

#7405648 - Monday 6 February 2017 17:23

At least he found it amusing!

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7405678 - Monday 6 February 2017 18:31

No more dirty talk for you.

FYI it's better to show than talk.

By 142asdfqq | 14

#7405753 - Monday 6 February 2017 20:47

Pun intended?

By KATLDVL | 7

#7405757 - Monday 6 February 2017 20:51

ok not ideal, but keep trying. I had a girlfriend who was not confident and when i asked her to talk dirty she told me to tell her what to say and that she would say anything I wanted. So that's what we did--I'd say it and she'd repeat it in a sexy voice. It was great!

By CamBen42 | 29

#7405814 - Monday 6 February 2017 23:43

Maybe if you had died just a bit more inside when he laughed, your statement would have been more applicable!

By BatBee | 12

#7405877 - Tuesday 7 February 2017 3:39

My hubby and essentially play dead body. ?
Basically he does what he wants and I act like a sex doll (he positions me etc). Give it a try! It's fun!

By TheGermanCoon | 3

#7406792 - Wednesday 8 February 2017 18:44

Well, what did he do?