Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and... - FML

By CorpseBride - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

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Sorry…

Masked Singer

Insurance is a scam

By eamiller - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By Postdotfuzz - United States

Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML

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By ozozl - United States - Evergreen

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

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By chrono19 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By nybaby - United States

Today, a little girl pointed to the acne on my face and said to her dad, "Look at how many mosquito bites she has on her face!" FML

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By none - United States

Who said life was better before ?

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1 p.m., smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4 a.m., jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

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By shugberry - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By Jenny - United States

Today, for our 8 month anniversary, my boyfriend bought me a hideous necklace with ugly charms hanging off it. I wore it anyway and got a rash from it on the side of my neck. After seeing the rash my boyfriend accused me of having a hickey from another guy and broke up with me. FML

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By NevertheKool - United States - Union City

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

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By somuchforthat - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

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By glocked and goaded - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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By hungry? - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bridgwater

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

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By ohhelllllno - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

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By birthdaygirl - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Orleans

Today, wanting to be on time for my first job interview, I woke up at the crack of dawn and walked almost an hour through a thunderstorm. When I arrived, I was told that the manager wasn't in today, because of the bad weather. FML

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By inpuredeceit - United States

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the seventeen major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I hear her ask her assistant "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

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By joybirdnot_13 - United States

Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 mins. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML

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By waitforit - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By lpilou - France

Today, I was finally able to get to know a girl at university who I'd been eyeing up for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, and so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my house was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML

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By hopelesscollegechick - United States - Alexander City

Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML

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By UGGGH that was my 2nd attempt too - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I took my driver's test. The woman administering it wouldn't even look at me, so trying to be friendly I said the first thing I could think of: "It must be scary getting in the car with someone you don't know!" She failed me for "excessive chatting." FML

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By CantPublish - United States - Modesto

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

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By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By oh no - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

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By ThatIsNotIt - 24/1/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Underperforming

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

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By wished i had a cat

Today, I discovered that my dog knows how to lock doors. This wouldn't have been a problem if anyone in my house every carried a key. FML

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By Sick - Canada

Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML

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By robinhoood - United States

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 02:00

Impatience

Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was called into my first day of work as a cashier. Not even 30 minutes into training, my boss had already "accidentally" touched my ass 7 times. FML

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By hk - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was introduced to the girl my current boyfriend went out with while dating me. FML

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By dude5028 - United States

Today, I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and told them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML

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By Geraldine - Canada

Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz. He plays all the time in our small apartment. Loud. It's like listening to three guys build a shed for 10 giant angry wasps. FML

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By flexibleflatulance - United States

Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML

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By Dat Stanky Mouf - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why chewing "shit-tons of gum" is not an actual alternative to brushing his teeth. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

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Top comments

By GhostFox | 33

#7404261 - Saturday 4 February 2017 10:44

At least he didn't say that he wants to you imitate a corpse in response. That'd be decidedly creepier than brain to mouth filter blooper.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7405635 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:51

Way to kill the mood! Literally.

COMMENTS

By GhostFox | 33

#7404261 - Saturday 4 February 2017 10:44

At least he didn't say that he wants to you imitate a corpse in response. That'd be decidedly creepier than brain to mouth filter blooper.

By kibster9 | 20

#7405620 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:27

Are into necrophylia?

Reply

kibster9 | 20

#7405622 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:29

Sorry, necrophilia**

By RichardPencil | 30

#7405635 - Monday 6 February 2017 16:51

Way to kill the mood! Literally.

By squizzlebee | 19

#7405648 - Monday 6 February 2017 17:23

At least he found it amusing!

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7405678 - Monday 6 February 2017 18:31

No more dirty talk for you.

FYI it's better to show than talk.

By 142asdfqq | 14

#7405753 - Monday 6 February 2017 20:47

Pun intended?

By KATLDVL | 7

#7405757 - Monday 6 February 2017 20:51

ok not ideal, but keep trying. I had a girlfriend who was not confident and when i asked her to talk dirty she told me to tell her what to say and that she would say anything I wanted. So that's what we did--I'd say it and she'd repeat it in a sexy voice. It was great!

By Jared900DUmpling | 30

#7405814 - Monday 6 February 2017 23:43

Maybe if you had died just a bit more inside when he laughed, your statement would have been more applicable!

By BatBee | 12

#7405877 - Tuesday 7 February 2017 3:39

My hubby and essentially play dead body. ?
Basically he does what he wants and I act like a sex doll (he positions me etc). Give it a try! It's fun!

By TheGermanCoon | 3

#7406792 - Wednesday 8 February 2017 18:44

Well, what did he do?