Intimacy: Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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Vulture

All for nothing

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

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By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

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By bruh_im18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By fuckfuck - United States - Fort Smith

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

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By really_dad?

Today, I came out to my parents. After we had a talk about them accepting me, my dad said "now get out of here you little duck sucker." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Side effects

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

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By best_friend - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By holler - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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By Like mother like daughter - United States - Aurora

Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o and spilt it on his top, so I pulled off his pj's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year old. FML

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By Kortnie Peterman - 6/6/2020 17:03

Body positivity

Today, after 3 months of my boyfriend complaining his weight is making him not want sex, I suggested we go for a walk to help us both start to lose weight. He looked at me and said, "You're too fat to go walking." I'm beginning to think my weight is the problem here, not his. FML

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By I shaved my legs for this

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

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By MoneyMoneyMoneyMonayMONAY - United States

Today, I found a $10 bill on the ground. I got so excited and felt like I was the richest person alive. That was, until the wind blew it out of my hand, never to be seen again. FML

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By SFra - United States

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

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By owmyhead - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML

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By Gordon - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how "this is for you," I played for about 3 seconds before I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

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By crazy dog lady - 2/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Furry family

Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

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By Rosie

Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML

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By uneducated - United States

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML

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By thatfatkid - United States

Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML

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By stubby

Today, my girlfriend asked if I could somehow get uncircumcised so I could add an inch to my length. FML

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By Britney - United States

Today, I discovered I have a cyst on my backside. I can't get it removed until Friday. I have to sit through four midterms this week. FML

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By CodyS - United States - Rocky River

Sticky situation

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

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By deadhamster - United States

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

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By sexualpopcorn - United States - San Diego

Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said "see ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I called her ugly. FML

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By Singlelady - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By Brenda Trejo

Today, my fiancé asked his 13-year-old sister what role she wanted in our upcoming wedding. Her response was "Saying I object!" FML

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By WOCOACH - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By tm - United States - Madisonville

Today, I went to the emergency room with chest pain. I didn't have a heart attack, but I now have a broken nose after passing out and face-planting in the waiting room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

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By radiantum13

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

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Top comments

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

COMMENTS

By whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474416 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:27

Gross...

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474471 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:46

Don't worry, he was probably distracted by the 9-inch dildo you left in the toothbrush holder.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474508 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:23

may god be with you

Reply

VioletLife | 18

#5474622 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:09

Are you kidding me? So what if a complete stranger sees that? It's not like you have to face him everyday.

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474668 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:50

Looks like 31 people think that it's not gross!

Reply

KittyWantMilk | 4

#5474690 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:22

So far 6 people think you're gross though

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474875 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:50

Nah 89, we just think your desire to be #1 wasn't quite matched by your creative talents. But seriously - was it all that you hoped and dreamed?

Reply

SerendipityRose | 26

#5474943 - Thursday 2 May 2013 11:12

Oh, yeah... Totally gross. That's why I make sure to move mine whenever we have--- oh, uhhh... Yeah, nevermind. *discreet cough*

Reply

ositoakaluis | 16

#5475372 - Thursday 2 May 2013 17:53

isn't this how a porn scene starts?

Reply

wtffml1979 | 22

#5475984 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:25

That's what I was thinkin of

Reply

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#5476023 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:57

Nice reply. Your good

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479339 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:35

@1 -_- how is it gross? Please do tell us. Especially considering she uses it in the SHOWER. Are you just some kind of prude, is that it?

Reply

brickson98 | 3

#5821626 - Thursday 9 January 2014 4:23

You. I like how you think

By alissa222 | 15

#5474419 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He's a plumber, I'm sure hes seen it all already. Just laugh it off.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5474605 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:25

Cue Barry White Music....

Reply

ozpunker | 20

#5474786 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:04

At least he didn't leave his own anal beads behind.

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

Reply

Dusty_Busters | 15

#5474484 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:55

Or snake your drain?

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#5474634 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:20

I feel a porno coming on...

Reply

epic13 | 12

#5474672 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:55

Bow chicka wow wow.

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5474684 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:13

Don't offer him a glass of water, OP!

Reply

izzie321 | 27

#5476085 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:48

All of you are geniuses. Except for #95.. He's doin own thing over there...

Reply

Justy101 | 23

#5476285 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:44

142 - #95 was referring to a previous FML

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479343 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:38

@95 hahahah i remember that FML! and 142 you are a fool

By biggestfan23 | 11

#5474424 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

The only thing I would expect next is some bad acting and corny music

Reply

johnnyboy7 | 5

#5474577 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:34

And kinky sex!

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

Reply

nelliegw | 26

#5474534 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:43

Nobody ever pays me in beads:(

Reply

v1kt4r | 13

#5474664 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:43

1 word.. Madigras

Reply

xmidnightxlonerx | 12

#5474669 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:52

I think you mean Mardi Gras*

Reply

zango1 | 15

#5474737 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:12

Or, anal beads conveniently 'disappear' perhaps.

Reply

ajeppsen | 25

#5474741 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:28

I pay people in Trident Layers.

By kultyre | 7

#5474426 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Hopefully he just thought they were pearl necklaces.

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#5474628 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:15

Or maybe he was hoping to give her a pearl necklace.

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5474727 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:59

speaking I've seen anal needs the size of a tennis ball I doubt he would assume its a pearl necklace

By shaww | 28

#5474427 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Good job OP, good job!

By Aryn16 | 14

#5474430 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

nasty.. but it's none of his business anyways.

By Cusefan5 | 6

#5474433 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Ydi, why do you wear anal beads?

Reply

melons | 44

#5474481 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:53

To make her anus look pretty.

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5474487 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:56

Because anal stimulation is highly pleasurable for many people?

Reply

calucalay | 13

#5474537 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:45

because thats her own buisness.

Reply

Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474570 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:18

You don't wear them...

Reply

misterjez | 15

#5474619 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:59

Oh I do

Reply

allforyoux3 | 25

#5474682 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:12

Oh my God, 71. Your picture just adds to your comment.

Reply

molzipan | 16

#5474721 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:47

She drapes them on her ass whenever it has low self esteem. What do you think they're for? jfc.

Reply

Lunasis | 14

#5476326 - Friday 3 May 2013 6:16

you went full retard... never go full retard

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479345 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:41

@10 Woww. One, you dont bloody wear them, you shove them up your arse to pleasure either your prostate or the vaginal wall. Two, she does it because it pleasures her, and she likes to feel good, and shes not a prude like you, and its her business, so shutup.

By Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474434 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Kinky