Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 18:41 - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Vultures

By MLeguillon - 1/9/2014 04:34 - United States - Imperial

Today, after years of wonderful flying experiences, I boarded a flight and took my seat only to find a baby sitting in front of me, behind me, and to the right of me, and across the aisle from me. All of whom decided to cry in unison. It was a 9-hour flight. FML

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By Noname - 22/2/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

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By "doyouwantmedead" - 21/8/2017 12:00 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I asked my mom if I could go to a friend's birthday. She said no, claiming I had been to too many this year already. I'd only been to one. It was my own. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 06:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 10:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By carboncoach - 13/12/2013 17:24 - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

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By Glutton - 28/1/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2018 12:00

Today, the manager that made my life a living hell for 3 years, who was demoted 6 weeks ago and transferred to another store, was transferred back to us as a salesperson. Now we work side by side 42 hours a week on the same exact schedule. FML

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By DumpedHisAss - 14/10/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

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By LiquorChick - 20/1/2012 08:23 - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 20:30

Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 01:36 - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 04:01 - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

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By "Sarah-Louise James" - 29/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 18:22 - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

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By baddoggy - 17/10/2010 08:13 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

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By skollasch - 25/9/2014 06:21 - United States - Highland

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML

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By crazycat - 13/5/2011 16:23 - Canada

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

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By MyPoorEyes - 19/3/2015 13:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it was my first day working as a pharmacist. I quickly discovered that customers not only think that it makes me qualified to offer free medical advice, but they also have no qualms about showing me their various lumps, bumps, and vaginal leakages. FML

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By mrmatt008 - 17/7/2009 12:07 - France

Today, I got back to work from a 3 week vacation. My boss had asked me to get him something so when I returned I presented him with a shotglass with the British flag on it. I later found out that he is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By WhatTheFuck - 30/7/2015 15:30 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 02:02 - United Kingdom

Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

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By SHAME! - 20/5/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

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By Samyett - 9/2/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By hayah - 21/2/2010 06:08 - France

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

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By Me - 27/10/2011 06:40 - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 19:18 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By schoolkiddo - 8/9/2010 07:35 - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By UnicornWaffles - 24/10/2016 01:38 - United States - Wooster

Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML

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By Ali - 17/4/2019 02:00

Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML

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By notenoughunderwearintheworld - 21/7/2013 20:54 - South Africa - Durban

Today, the great deal on my new apartment has turned into a nightmare. I keep hearing extremely weird sounds almost every night, and when I tried taking pics of the place today, my camera's face recognition feature kept activating, but only in my bedroom. I'm scared shitless. FML

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By calvinjakobs - 9/11/2019 03:00

Same name but distant

Today, I met the most compatible and perfect girl for me. After days of talking and finally setting up a date. We found out that we both live in different continents, just our city name has been the same. I was waiting at the restaurant for 5 hours. FML

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By needlessly hungry - 10/3/2019 20:00

Today, when I tried to give blood, I was turned down before I even made it through the information packet. Why? Because I had thought I was supposed to fast for 24 hours beforehand. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 14:27 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2014 22:49 - United States - Belmont

Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch, looking confused. He explained to me that he had attached a prom proposal note to his pet rabbit, and let it inside my house to find me. We went looking for said rabbit, and found my dog halfway through eating it. FML

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Top comments

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

Comments

By whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474416 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:27

Gross...

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474471 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:46

Don't worry, he was probably distracted by the 9-inch dildo you left in the toothbrush holder.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474508 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:23

may god be with you

Reply

VioletLife | 18

#5474622 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:09

Are you kidding me? So what if a complete stranger sees that? It's not like you have to face him everyday.

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474668 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:50

Looks like 31 people think that it's not gross!

Reply

KittyWantMilk | 4

#5474690 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:22

So far 6 people think you're gross though

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474875 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:50

Nah 89, we just think your desire to be #1 wasn't quite matched by your creative talents. But seriously - was it all that you hoped and dreamed?

Reply

SerendipityRose | 26

#5474943 - Thursday 2 May 2013 11:12

Oh, yeah... Totally gross. That's why I make sure to move mine whenever we have--- oh, uhhh... Yeah, nevermind. *discreet cough*

Reply

ositoakaluis | 16

#5475372 - Thursday 2 May 2013 17:53

isn't this how a porn scene starts?

Reply

wtffml1979 | 22

#5475984 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:25

That's what I was thinkin of

Reply

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#5476023 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:57

Nice reply. Your good

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479339 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:35

@1 -_- how is it gross? Please do tell us. Especially considering she uses it in the SHOWER. Are you just some kind of prude, is that it?

Reply

brickson98 | 3

#5821626 - Thursday 9 January 2014 4:23

You. I like how you think

By alissa222 | 15

#5474419 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He's a plumber, I'm sure hes seen it all already. Just laugh it off.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5474605 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:25

Cue Barry White Music....

Reply

ozpunker | 20

#5474786 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:04

At least he didn't leave his own anal beads behind.

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

Reply

Dusty_Busters | 15

#5474484 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:55

Or snake your drain?

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#5474634 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:20

I feel a porno coming on...

Reply

epic13 | 12

#5474672 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:55

Bow chicka wow wow.

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5474684 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:13

Don't offer him a glass of water, OP!

Reply

izzie321 | 27

#5476085 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:48

All of you are geniuses. Except for #95.. He's doin own thing over there...

Reply

Justy101 | 23

#5476285 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:44

142 - #95 was referring to a previous FML

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479343 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:38

@95 hahahah i remember that FML! and 142 you are a fool

By biggestfan23 | 11

#5474424 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

The only thing I would expect next is some bad acting and corny music

Reply

johnnyboy7 | 5

#5474577 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:34

And kinky sex!

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

Reply

nelliegw | 26

#5474534 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:43

Nobody ever pays me in beads:(

Reply

v1kt4r | 13

#5474664 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:43

1 word.. Madigras

Reply

xmidnightxlonerx | 12

#5474669 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:52

I think you mean Mardi Gras*

Reply

zango1 | 15

#5474737 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:12

Or, anal beads conveniently 'disappear' perhaps.

Reply

ajeppsen | 25

#5474741 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:28

I pay people in Trident Layers.

By kultyre | 7

#5474426 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Hopefully he just thought they were pearl necklaces.

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#5474628 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:15

Or maybe he was hoping to give her a pearl necklace.

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5474727 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:59

speaking I've seen anal needs the size of a tennis ball I doubt he would assume its a pearl necklace

By shaww | 28

#5474427 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Good job OP, good job!

By Aryn16 | 14

#5474430 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

nasty.. but it's none of his business anyways.

By Cusefan5 | 6

#5474433 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Ydi, why do you wear anal beads?

Reply

melons | 44

#5474481 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:53

To make her anus look pretty.

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5474487 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:56

Because anal stimulation is highly pleasurable for many people?

Reply

calucalay | 13

#5474537 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:45

because thats her own buisness.

Reply

Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474570 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:18

You don't wear them...

Reply

misterjez | 15

#5474619 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:59

Oh I do

Reply

allforyoux3 | 25

#5474682 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:12

Oh my God, 71. Your picture just adds to your comment.

Reply

molzipan | 16

#5474721 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:47

She drapes them on her ass whenever it has low self esteem. What do you think they're for? jfc.

Reply

Lunasis | 14

#5476326 - Friday 3 May 2013 6:16

you went full retard... never go full retard

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479345 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:41

@10 Woww. One, you dont bloody wear them, you shove them up your arse to pleasure either your prostate or the vaginal wall. Two, she does it because it pleasures her, and she likes to feel good, and shes not a prude like you, and its her business, so shutup.

By Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474434 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Kinky