Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 18:41 - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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Out of it

Last dates

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By fat - 12/7/2010 07:52 - United States

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

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By Hunterxx - 7/8/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

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By tracy4191 - 18/9/2016 05:21 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

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By anbrown6 - 12/4/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By silverstar189 - 1/1/2010 15:41 - United States

Today, the 6 year old girl I was babysitting asked me, "Why are you so ugly? Are you an alien? Because aliens are about as ugly as you are." FML

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By maf811 - 7/11/2011 12:13 - United States

Today, my mother panicked and was about to report me missing when I didn't answer her calls while I was at a movie. I'm 31, and have lived on my own for over 10 years. FML

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By ouchhhh - 20/7/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

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By Username - 10/7/2012 15:27 - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

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By seriously - 17/12/2014 13:33 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

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By too young for this - 12/4/2013 05:11 - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 05:34 - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

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By Dontsitsitandyoudie - 2/5/2017 14:00 - Iceland - Reykjav?k

Today, I went to sit on a desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under me. This made me fall on my own foot, literally shattering two bones. I just bought a 9-month gym membership and can't use it because I wanted to sit down. FML

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By UkuleleTime - 23/6/2015 08:07 - United States - Garner

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

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By Hailey Antone - 10/9/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

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By just great... - 22/2/2011 08:38

Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML

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By Shoeless - 20/1/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

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By benjavel71 - 10/1/2017 11:13 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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By annababyyyy - 10/11/2014 05:01 - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By Henry - 6/2/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

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By dirtythief - 18/7/2013 16:01 - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I placed an order at a fast food joint, when the elderly lady behind me cussed me out for ordering the same thing she wanted. She ranted that I was a "dirty thief", while everyone else glared at me as if I was holding up the line. What the fuck? FML

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By Damnsoup - 3/7/2009 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

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By ouchouchouch - 28/3/2012 04:16 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML

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By caaarl - 19/4/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

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By bugger - 22/2/2015 17:31

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

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By fuck no - 22/8/2015 10:18 - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

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By sophhiee - 5/11/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's house for a party. I was trying to strike up a conversation with one of my cute guy friends, so I showed him this funny picture of me that my friend took. His reply was "Hahahaa those Fatbooth pictures are hilarious!" It wasn't a Fatbooth picture. FML

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By Imdeadlmaokillme - 22/3/2016 20:47 - United Kingdom - Twickenham

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

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By CarSick - 23/2/2011 03:55 - United States

Today, I threw up in the car. While driving. The good news though, I had a bag to catch it all. Bad news? The bag had a giant hole in the bottom. FML

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By jeremyj - 10/6/2012 00:24 - United States

Today, is the third day since I opened my small coffee shop. My parents had given me a nice frame to put my first dollar from working in. I had to sneak in a dollar from my own wallet so they wouldn't know how bad business was when they came to visit. FML

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By CT - 25/11/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By bouda - 15/5/2011 18:19 - France

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

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By Nublet - 7/9/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

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By poorman - 11/8/2014 19:54 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

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By Terry - 13/7/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML

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By J.O.S - 21/3/2012 21:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

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By anonymous - 12/8/2009 16:14 - Canada

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

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By 420curse - 5/5/2015 18:20 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

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Top comments

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

COMMENTS

By whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474416 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:27

Gross...

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474471 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:46

Don't worry, he was probably distracted by the 9-inch dildo you left in the toothbrush holder.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474508 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:23

may god be with you

Reply

VioletLife | 18

#5474622 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:09

Are you kidding me? So what if a complete stranger sees that? It's not like you have to face him everyday.

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474668 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:50

Looks like 31 people think that it's not gross!

Reply

KittyWantMilk | 4

#5474690 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:22

So far 6 people think you're gross though

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474875 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:50

Nah 89, we just think your desire to be #1 wasn't quite matched by your creative talents. But seriously - was it all that you hoped and dreamed?

Reply

SerendipityRose | 26

#5474943 - Thursday 2 May 2013 11:12

Oh, yeah... Totally gross. That's why I make sure to move mine whenever we have--- oh, uhhh... Yeah, nevermind. *discreet cough*

Reply

ositoakaluis | 16

#5475372 - Thursday 2 May 2013 17:53

isn't this how a porn scene starts?

Reply

wtffml1979 | 22

#5475984 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:25

That's what I was thinkin of

Reply

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#5476023 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:57

Nice reply. Your good

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479339 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:35

@1 -_- how is it gross? Please do tell us. Especially considering she uses it in the SHOWER. Are you just some kind of prude, is that it?

Reply

#5821626 - Thursday 9 January 2014 4:23

You. I like how you think

By alissa222 | 15

#5474419 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He's a plumber, I'm sure hes seen it all already. Just laugh it off.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5474605 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:25

Cue Barry White Music....

Reply

ozpunker | 20

#5474786 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:04

At least he didn't leave his own anal beads behind.

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

Reply

Dusty_Busters | 15

#5474484 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:55

Or snake your drain?

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#5474634 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:20

I feel a porno coming on...

Reply

epic13 | 12

#5474672 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:55

Bow chicka wow wow.

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5474684 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:13

Don't offer him a glass of water, OP!

Reply

izzie321 | 27

#5476085 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:48

All of you are geniuses. Except for #95.. He's doin own thing over there...

Reply

Justy101 | 23

#5476285 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:44

142 - #95 was referring to a previous FML

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479343 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:38

@95 hahahah i remember that FML! and 142 you are a fool

By biggestfan23 | 11

#5474424 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

The only thing I would expect next is some bad acting and corny music

Reply

johnnyboy7 | 5

#5474577 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:34

And kinky sex!

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

Reply

nelliegw | 26

#5474534 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:43

Nobody ever pays me in beads:(

Reply

v1kt4r | 13

#5474664 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:43

1 word.. Madigras

Reply

xmidnightxlonerx | 12

#5474669 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:52

I think you mean Mardi Gras*

Reply

zango1 | 15

#5474737 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:12

Or, anal beads conveniently 'disappear' perhaps.

Reply

ajeppsen | 25

#5474741 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:28

I pay people in Trident Layers.

By kultyre | 7

#5474426 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Hopefully he just thought they were pearl necklaces.

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#5474628 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:15

Or maybe he was hoping to give her a pearl necklace.

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5474727 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:59

speaking I've seen anal needs the size of a tennis ball I doubt he would assume its a pearl necklace

By shaww | 28

#5474427 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Good job OP, good job!

By Aryn16 | 14

#5474430 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

nasty.. but it's none of his business anyways.

By Cusefan5 | 6

#5474433 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Ydi, why do you wear anal beads?

Reply

melons | 44

#5474481 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:53

To make her anus look pretty.

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5474487 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:56

Because anal stimulation is highly pleasurable for many people?

Reply

calucalay | 13

#5474537 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:45

because thats her own buisness.

Reply

Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474570 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:18

You don't wear them...

Reply

misterjez | 15

#5474619 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:59

Oh I do

Reply

allforyoux3 | 25

#5474682 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:12

Oh my God, 71. Your picture just adds to your comment.

Reply

molzipan | 16

#5474721 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:47

She drapes them on her ass whenever it has low self esteem. What do you think they're for? jfc.

Reply

Lunasis | 14

#5476326 - Friday 3 May 2013 6:16

you went full retard... never go full retard

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479345 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:41

@10 Woww. One, you dont bloody wear them, you shove them up your arse to pleasure either your prostate or the vaginal wall. Two, she does it because it pleasures her, and she likes to feel good, and shes not a prude like you, and its her business, so shutup.

By Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474434 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Kinky