Intimacy: Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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Late term

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Damn squares!

By Nomoretexting - United States

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

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By BAMN2187 - United States

Today, my dad asked me when I was going to start looking for a job. Jokingly, I told him next year. He got pissed, started to yell, then realized Tuesday is New Year's Day and grounded me for "being a dumbass." FML

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By cheaters_should_die - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

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By KittenTitz - 3/5/2020 20:00

Planned parenthood

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

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By NotSpiderman - United States - Edinburg

Today, I discovered a brown recluse spider in my house. Before I could smash it, it escaped under the door. Now I'm freaked out and wearing boots and gloves, clutching at my kittens and waiting for it to appear. My dad laughs everytime he walks past. FML

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By not paid enough - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

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By allgassedout - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML

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By enya - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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By yeyt209 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

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By mauimango7 - United States

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

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By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - United States - Everett

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my professor what happened to the assignment I gave him several weeks ago. Turns out he lost it, and graded me zero as a result. Now if I want a mark, he says I'll have to hand-write it all over again, but that I "probably shouldn't bother," because it was "a bit shit, really." FML

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By Hlaalette - Belgium

Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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By hatty - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By shescomfortablynumb - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By imscrewed - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I had just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML

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By _philliesfan - United States

Today, I was prioritizing my extreme amount of homework. I read over the front page of my psychology paper seeing that it was pretty easy questions, I decided to do it last. Little did I know there was a 8 page essay on the back of the page. It's 12:19 am. FML

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By Noname - United Kingdom

Not now, Kevin

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

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By JennaMarie - United States

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

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By XxEmoWolfiexX - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my cat woke me up, but not by kneading on me though. Instead, she woke me up by pouncing on the laser pointer my dad was shining on my face. FML

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By fashionista1787 - United States

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I can save up my used tampons for him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

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By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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By Puppy_Killer - 16/12/2020 23:02 - Australia

Murderer!

Today, I was backing out of my garage when my neighbour's collie ran behind my car. Unfortunately, I didn't see it, but I heard a thump. They were out, so I rushed him to the vet's. I was upset, and I guess I was driving too fast and didn't see that another dog was crossing the road. I killed two dogs today. FML

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By Anonymous

Mind your own business

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a $105 parking ticket for being in a handicapped space. The lines were covered by snow, and the sign was on the building twenty feet away. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 02:00

Looks aren't everything

Today, I was watching "My 600-lb Life". Most of the people on the show are married or in relationships. I cant even find a relationship. FML

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By Shelly - United States

Oh hey how are you?

Today, my boyfriend and I pulled over to have sex in his mother's car. It was going great until I leaned back onto the horn, waking up our whole neighborhood. FML

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By CMANIA - United States

Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML

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By "Geric Brawner"

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By ClosetMishap - Canada

Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 08:00

Poisoned chalice

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

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By So I can go now then?

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Nakdnathan - United States

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

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By natashamilan - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

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Top comments

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

COMMENTS

By whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474416 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:27

Gross...

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474471 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:46

Don't worry, he was probably distracted by the 9-inch dildo you left in the toothbrush holder.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474508 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:23

may god be with you

Reply

VioletLife | 18

#5474622 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:09

Are you kidding me? So what if a complete stranger sees that? It's not like you have to face him everyday.

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5474668 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:50

Looks like 31 people think that it's not gross!

Reply

KittyWantMilk | 4

#5474690 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:22

So far 6 people think you're gross though

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5474875 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:50

Nah 89, we just think your desire to be #1 wasn't quite matched by your creative talents. But seriously - was it all that you hoped and dreamed?

Reply

SerendipityRose | 26

#5474943 - Thursday 2 May 2013 11:12

Oh, yeah... Totally gross. That's why I make sure to move mine whenever we have--- oh, uhhh... Yeah, nevermind. *discreet cough*

Reply

ositoakaluis | 16

#5475372 - Thursday 2 May 2013 17:53

isn't this how a porn scene starts?

Reply

wtffml1979 | 22

#5475984 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:25

That's what I was thinkin of

Reply

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#5476023 - Friday 3 May 2013 3:57

Nice reply. Your good

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479339 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:35

@1 -_- how is it gross? Please do tell us. Especially considering she uses it in the SHOWER. Are you just some kind of prude, is that it?

Reply

brickson98 | 3

#5821626 - Thursday 9 January 2014 4:23

You. I like how you think

By alissa222 | 15

#5474419 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He's a plumber, I'm sure hes seen it all already. Just laugh it off.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5474605 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:25

Cue Barry White Music....

Reply

ozpunker | 20

#5474786 - Thursday 2 May 2013 9:04

At least he didn't leave his own anal beads behind.

By JiggaJayZ | 16

#5474423 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

He didn't ask to clean your pipes too did he?

Reply

Dusty_Busters | 15

#5474484 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:55

Or snake your drain?

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#5474634 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:20

I feel a porno coming on...

Reply

epic13 | 12

#5474672 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:55

Bow chicka wow wow.

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5474684 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:13

Don't offer him a glass of water, OP!

Reply

izzie321 | 27

#5476085 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:48

All of you are geniuses. Except for #95.. He's doin own thing over there...

Reply

Justy101 | 23

#5476285 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:44

142 - #95 was referring to a previous FML

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479343 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:38

@95 hahahah i remember that FML! and 142 you are a fool

By biggestfan23 | 11

#5474424 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

The only thing I would expect next is some bad acting and corny music

Reply

johnnyboy7 | 5

#5474577 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:34

And kinky sex!

By barlessprison | 16

#5474425 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Sounds like the start of a porno. Plumber arrives, you realize you don't have enough cash to pay him. You ask if there's another payment mode and voila, anal beads conveniently appear.

Reply

nelliegw | 26

#5474534 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:43

Nobody ever pays me in beads:(

Reply

v1kt4r | 13

#5474664 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:43

1 word.. Madigras

Reply

xmidnightxlonerx | 12

#5474669 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:52

I think you mean Mardi Gras*

Reply

zango1 | 15

#5474737 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:12

Or, anal beads conveniently 'disappear' perhaps.

Reply

ajeppsen | 25

#5474741 - Thursday 2 May 2013 6:28

I pay people in Trident Layers.

By kultyre | 7

#5474426 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Hopefully he just thought they were pearl necklaces.

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#5474628 - Thursday 2 May 2013 4:15

Or maybe he was hoping to give her a pearl necklace.

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5474727 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:59

speaking I've seen anal needs the size of a tennis ball I doubt he would assume its a pearl necklace

By shaww | 28

#5474427 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:28

Good job OP, good job!

By Aryn16 | 14

#5474430 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

nasty.. but it's none of his business anyways.

By Cusefan5 | 6

#5474433 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Ydi, why do you wear anal beads?

Reply

melons | 44

#5474481 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:53

To make her anus look pretty.

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5474487 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:56

Because anal stimulation is highly pleasurable for many people?

Reply

calucalay | 13

#5474537 - Thursday 2 May 2013 1:45

because thats her own buisness.

Reply

Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474570 - Thursday 2 May 2013 2:18

You don't wear them...

Reply

misterjez | 15

#5474619 - Thursday 2 May 2013 3:59

Oh I do

Reply

allforyoux3 | 25

#5474682 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:12

Oh my God, 71. Your picture just adds to your comment.

Reply

molzipan | 16

#5474721 - Thursday 2 May 2013 5:47

She drapes them on her ass whenever it has low self esteem. What do you think they're for? jfc.

Reply

Lunasis | 14

#5476326 - Friday 3 May 2013 6:16

you went full retard... never go full retard

Reply

7yzzFML | 17

#5479345 - Sunday 5 May 2013 14:41

@10 Woww. One, you dont bloody wear them, you shove them up your arse to pleasure either your prostate or the vaginal wall. Two, she does it because it pleasures her, and she likes to feel good, and shes not a prude like you, and its her business, so shutup.

By Marmarfarfar | 25

#5474434 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:29

Kinky