Love: Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually...

By Love stinks - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

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Love

Understandable

The bird

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By ringhider - France

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

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By lizardface - United States

Today, my daughter and I went to the carnival and had our faces painted. When we returned home hours later, I realized I have a deep sunburn all around my face except for the skin under the paint in the shape of a gecko. FML

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By lovecrisis247 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

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By WTF

It burns

Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

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By Clumsy - United States - Millville

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

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By Broken Leg, Broken Job

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

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By notout

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By raz - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

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By Wifewithquestions - United States - Clarksville

Mysterious

Today, I found male enhancers hidden in the back of the car, which I'm assuming are my husband's, but we haven't been having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 11:01

Anyone there?

Today, I'm still waiting for my current job, which gaslit me in various ways for a year, to acknowledge my month's notice. My new job starts in 3 weeks. I'm genuinely not sure if my (ex) managers and HR are all on furlough, or if they're just fucking with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 21:30 - United States

Always carry around a pencil with you

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML

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By Patrick - 29/10/2020 03:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Couva

What?

Today, my coworker got a raise by making our boss give me a pay cut for doing his job while he was slacking off. As we were heading home for the day, he found $100. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

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By sabadaba - United States

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

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By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By PuppyLove2009 - United States

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

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By porkythighs - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

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By meee - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

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By policeopenup - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

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By Jedi2500 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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By Kathleen - 4/12/2020 08:08

Beggars can't be choosers

Today, the weird guy with the 'Elvis in Las Vegas' haircut-and-sunglasses combo who cleans tables at my work tried to hit on me. This is the most interest any man has given me in a year. FML

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By malicemassacre - 17/1/2021 23:01

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to endure my father going on a sexist rant about how women shouldn't be allowed to go to university because it's "unrealistic" since "all women" become stay-at-home mums. This is the same man who threatened to kick me out if I dropped out of uni. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

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By Tom - United Kingdom

Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML

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By hatelife - United States

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By anonymous - 3/6/2020 14:06

Stinky mom

Today, my mom once again cried that I never come to visit her. I’ve tried, but her house is just unbearable. It’s always no less than 80°F inside, and she also refuses to clean up. She just burns multiple candles and air fresheners all day to mask the smell. She refuses any cleaning help I offer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a volunteer badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she had a horrible day at work. They showed her my picture to cheer her up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

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By HALIFAAA - Germany - Braunschweig

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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By lostandconfused

Today, I was teaching a class of 17-year-old Japanese boys English. Tripping over a school bag, I caught my foot in the bottom of my very loose elastic trousers. I pulled them down with my foot as I stumbled, exposing my underwear to all 40 students. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpine

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

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By no she wasn't high - United States - Garland

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that just because it says non-toxic on the crayons, it doesn't mean that you should eat them. She's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 01:02 - Chile - Santiago

Not you

Today, I avoided checking Facebook because I didn't want to see all the Halloween parties involving my friends that I didn't get invited to. FML

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By low_expectations - 19/8/2020 02:04

Zoom call from hell

Today, I was yelled at by my mom for not communicating to the rest of my family about the zoom call SHE planned and asked for. The call was to celebrate my birthday. Apparently, it was my responsibility to coordinate it. FML

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By Kaitlyn Aronson

Today, my coworker spilled sticky fruit glaze all over my cake display cake and left it overnight uncleaned. The same display case I spent 2 hours cleaning the day before. FML

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Top comments

By InfantryMan7861 | 4

#5634520 - Monday 19 August 2013 18:05

You should have ended it with "Fuck you, and goodnight".

By Rainbow_sparkles | 7

#5634523 - Monday 19 August 2013 18:05

After the song, you should tell everybody what she did

COMMENTS

By InfantryMan7861 | 4

#5634520 - Monday 19 August 2013 18:05

You should have ended it with "Fuck you, and goodnight".

CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5634547 - Monday 19 August 2013 18:10

I was thinking more of... "Fuck this shit" *drops the mic*

K410 | 18

#5634616 - Monday 19 August 2013 18:54

Geez this was the coldest FML I read in a while. Hope her dance was near the corner of death lol

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5634629 - Monday 19 August 2013 19:15

If I was him I'd be hoping they had a .45 slug on the menu.

Jake_Hale | 7

#5634721 - Monday 19 August 2013 20:20

Good luck OP!

amDes | 11

#5635019 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 0:23

#2- End it like that AFTER singing the songs just like Dan's Band... "turn around bright eyes, every fucking now and then I fall apart, I fuckin need you now more than ever, shit!"

Shrike | 22

#5635154 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 2:48

Or it was some dipshit who lives nowhere near the OP, trying to be funny by writing a reverse FML. Besides, where's the ex-wife's FML in this situation?