Kids: Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing...

By itswhateverr - 03/05/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 694

You deserved it 4 435

Kids

Dementia or hate? You decide

This Charming Man

Triage

By Anonymous - 22/04/2015 14:24 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 138

You deserved it 3 680

By wahwah - 23/10/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 121

You deserved it 6 254

Ouch.

By Zaak - 25/03/2018 06:00

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 526

You deserved it 6 456

By alealovespurple - 16/08/2009 20:04 - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 770

You deserved it 17 186

Butterfingers

By eiregal2 - 15/04/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 168

By Eh... - 19/07/2009 07:25 - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 321

You deserved it 8 021

Credibility loss

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 11:01 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I was promoted to vice president of my company. I gave a speech explaining how I intended to run things more transparently. When I bent down to pick up my folder, my pants split. Somebody said, "Powerpuff girls panties. Transparent indeed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 259

Inspired

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 06:24 - France

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 490

You deserved it 22 271

By IHateGroupProjects - 25/04/2012 13:25 - United States - Riverdale

Today, I've now received my 73rd email in two days about my masters group project on policy recommendations for security reform. One group member has helpfully rewritten everything, and our project is now titled "Zeus's Earthly Kingdom." It's due today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 328

You deserved it 2 806

By davincourt - 29/04/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 185

You deserved it 2 983

By grossedout - 01/02/2015 23:10 - United States - Newport News

Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 202

You deserved it 2 736

By anon - 11/11/2015 03:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 688

You deserved it 2 343

By Jebus - 23/01/2009 13:31 - Canada

Today, I finally went on a date with the girl I'm in love with. After dinner we went to the bar for drinks and things were going great. Right up until she went home with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 699

You deserved it 2 400

By Anonymous - 30/07/2019 04:01

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 315

By Sophies - 26/12/2013 00:45 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that a large cock and balls had been keyed into the windscreen of my car. My new, two-week-old car, which I will be paying off for the next four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 602

You deserved it 3 123

By clementine_k - 22/03/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 730

You deserved it 35 595

By guyssuck - 26/02/2013 19:11 - Canada - Yellowknife

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant with a horribly sore back and an insensitive husband. I'm so desperate for relief that I'm lying on the couch, using my vibrator to give myself a back massage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 151

You deserved it 4 702

By awkwardRA - 19/09/2018 03:30

Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 751

You deserved it 420

Don't cheat

By SueJonn - 12/08/2021 10:00 - United States

Today, the essay-writing guy I met on Facebook Messenger who I paid $200 to do my research paper gave me a paper unrelated to the topic. It’s due at midnight tonight. It’s a 8-page long assignment. He blocked me on Facebook. Goodbye graduation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 119

You deserved it 3 059

By windsoffate - 09/06/2016 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 581

You deserved it 943

By FoodyFood - 19/03/2012 04:59 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 000

You deserved it 14 675

By Anonymous - 18/12/2012 05:15 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 808

You deserved it 6 272

By SakuraBreeze - 26/09/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 633

You deserved it 2 622

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 979

You deserved it 3 548

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 07:06 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 767

You deserved it 3 615

It ain't over til it's over

By Anurag1903 - 08/02/2021 12:31 - India

Today, finally in a the right state of mind to move on from my ex, she dropped a nuke in my life by stating she's getting married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 731

Tumbleweed

By Anonymous - 14/08/2021 06:00 - Germany

Today, my mom was proud for making a positive change in her life. The change in question? She now throws away the smelly hair she combs out of the dog, instead of keeping it for unspecified later use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 43

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 08/07/2020 17:00

Today, my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 529

You deserved it 110

By Anoymous - 18/09/2013 18:31 - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I started my new job. Only after I met my new boss did I realise I've met him before. He was at my friend's party last month, the only time in my life when I got so wasted that I danced on a table before puking on myself. He remembers me, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 149

You deserved it 11 998

By KittyNeko - 28/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 007

You deserved it 3 175

A boy can dream

By Anonymous - 16/02/2021 00:30

Today, I told my family about my dreams to get a modern car and house with my girlfriend, since I'm tired of fixing my '90s car and paying for my dad's rent and doing all his housework. They then told me I'm selfish for trying to leave them and that I don't care about them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 63

By rebekah - 03/04/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462 074

You deserved it 76 878

By Ms.rain - 07/12/2018 12:30

Today my boyfriend went through my phone while I was in the bathroom to check if I was cheating...... I wasn't. He was looking for some leverage so when he told me he's been fucking my bestfriend for the last year, he could use something against me... FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 233

You deserved it 233

By pear8head - 08/08/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 147

You deserved it 5 874

Legalize it!

By fml9124 - 07/11/2020 17:02

Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 1 066

By ohboy - 06/03/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 979

You deserved it 21 412

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 21:54 - United Kingdom - Southend

Today, my little sister randomly came up to me and said: "Aww, don't be sad. Even ugly people can get boyfriends." She then smiled, patted my back, and walked off. I wasn't actually sad before, but I am now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 209

You deserved it 3 084

Letting it all hang out

By zoomzoom - 10/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, I had to send out yet another email reminding families that everyone must be fully dressed while in view of the screen. This includes the student, any other children and the adults in the home. I teach first grade. It’s almost a weekly occurrence to have to send these. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 118

By Tingly - 16/08/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, I realized that that tingly feeling on my face when I put a new combination of acne wash, acne medication, and my usual moisturizer on was not, in fact, "it working." It was slowly peeling away the top layer of skin. I look and feel sunburned. I also still have acne and oily skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 379

You deserved it 6 246

By Atropos - 01/06/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 684

You deserved it 112

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Top comments

philadelphianus 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

sometimes say things like that to my mom but i'm old enough that she knows i'm not entirely serious.. you should give it to her when you die and it'll mean the world to her and she'll remember how she wanted it since she was a little girl

esagalyn 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

Hahaha that is just too funny. Don't take it too hard, little girls love shiny sparkly things.

dudewithface 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:38

FIRST!

GiddyXD 0

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Monday 2 August 2010 14:15

c'mon she's only 6!

esagalyn 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

Hahaha that is just too funny. Don't take it too hard, little girls love shiny sparkly things.

tylahgrace 12

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Saturday 20 February 2010 14:24

classic hahaha

6969awesome 0

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Saturday 1 May 2010 15:39

y are old people on FML? it's not right

megamandude455 10

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Sunday 30 May 2010 19:54

hey 139, are you a twin?

megamandude455 10

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Sunday 30 May 2010 20:01

142, why do old people know about FML

cupcakemonster10_fml 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 3:38

win :)

fmltodaface 0

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Friday 1 April 2011 6:40

dude thats someones playercard in black ops lol his name is jack?

philadelphianus 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

lady4 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:49

LMAO.. SORRY.. BUT REMEMBER SHE'S JUST A KID.

Ellery_fml 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:53

Aww, I said that to my grandma when I was a kid.

eduardocwc 4

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 22:32

Did u get it?

Madalena_fml 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 11:56

You gotta agree , this is kinda cute !

plethora 3

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Sunday 3 May 2009 12:04

Kids say the darndest things. My mama jokes about that all the time, though: "I love that necklace you're wearing." "You can have it when I die". Learn to laugh!

almosted 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 12:27

You can't really give her the ring if you're dead. But yeah, that's great.

chili_is_good 0

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:21

It's called a will

amelinat 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 12:27

Is this the same 6 year old that told her mum she wouldnt even cry when she learnt that shed be off to stay with her favourite aunt & uncle? It must be Akward Moments with Children week.