Kids: Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing...

By itswhateverr - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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Kids

Messed up

Breaking Badly

My body, my choice

By oneiPodlighter - United States - Conshohocken

Today, my "friend" came over. I caught him trying to steal my iPod on the way out. Proud of myself for catching him, I asked him to leave, only to realize that I had forgotten to actually take the iPod back from him before he left. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By Nicoleanne

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

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By ummno - United States

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By khaelian - United States

Today, my girlfriend fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She also had a bruise on her leg due to her friend biting her. I spent the night in the hospital to be there for her and support her, but I should have expected that the nurses would treat me like a criminal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

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By tigger2013 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, my wife of 12 years informed me that the only sexual activity she is interested in is foreplay, and she absolutely doesn't want to go any further than that anymore. FML

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By blacklove - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my mom got drunk and told me that the man I have called dad for the past 27 years isn't my real father. Oh and don't say anything to him about it. FML

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By Misterhippo - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

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By cheated - United States

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Who the fuck are you?

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML

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By Nylo

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

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By ihatemyjob - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

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By roxyriley - United States

Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. I was face to face with hairy muff. FML

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By Thatgirl

Today, my grandfather told me I could bring a date to my cousin’s wedding. I said I didn't have anyone to bring. He replied, “That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.” He’s 98. FML

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By French - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

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By 4_and_20_blackbits - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

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By hihipanda - Singapore

Today, my friend and I went to a bar for drinks. I noticed this cute girl and went over to say "Hi." I had a great conversation with her and I asked for her number before she left. She passed it to me on a piece of paper with instructions specifying for my friend to call her and not me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I woke up to an email confirming my membership to a dating site. Turns out my mother is as annoyed by my loveless life as I am. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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By krabby patty

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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By emoney - United States

Today, I was walking out of my front door in the town where I intern. I live alone and know no one. As I'm locking the door, I see a golf ball wedged between my mat and step. I notice that there's writing on it so I pick it up to read, "You look hot when you sleep." FML

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By socal000 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

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By Marymary

Kids say the dumbest things…

Today, my cousins and I were walking past bars, choosing one go to. I recently got my hair cut short and thought it was cute. A little boy walking beside us looked at me and said, "Are you a boy?" His mother shushed him and said, "No dear, she's just flat-chested." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 04:58

Scratch that itch

Today, I bought a $50 Nintendo eShop card to redeem on my Nintendo Switch. As I was scratching the grey area, I scratched too hard, making it hard to see what it was. I tried randomly guessing and asking for help. Neither helped. Guess who didn't get $50 back. FML

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By Dani - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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By fatflabbyfail - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

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By ccgundum - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

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By Hopper - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

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Top comments

By philadelphianus | 0

#164135 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

sometimes say things like that to my mom but i'm old enough that she knows i'm not entirely serious..

you should give it to her when you die and it'll mean the world to her and she'll remember how she wanted it since she was a little girl

By esagalyn | 0

#164134 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

Hahaha that is just too funny. Don't take it too hard, little girls love shiny sparkly things.

COMMENTS

By dudewithface | 0

#164128 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:38

FIRST!

GiddyXD | 0

#1177209 - Monday 2 August 2010 14:15

c'mon she's only 6!

By esagalyn | 0

#164134 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

Hahaha that is just too funny. Don't take it too hard, little girls love shiny sparkly things.

tylahgrace | 12

#875447 - Saturday 20 February 2010 14:24

classic hahaha

6969awesome | 0

#986978 - Saturday 1 May 2010 15:39

y are old people on FML? it's not right

megamandude455 | 10

#1012861 - Sunday 30 May 2010 19:54

hey 139, are you a twin?

megamandude455 | 10

#1012867 - Sunday 30 May 2010 20:01

142, why do old people know about FML

cupcakemonster10_fml | 0

#1871968 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 3:38

win :)

fmltodaface | 0

#2275504 - Friday 1 April 2011 6:40

dude thats someones playercard in black ops lol his name is jack?

By philadelphianus | 0

#164135 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

By lady4 | 0

#164154 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:49

LMAO.. SORRY.. BUT REMEMBER SHE'S JUST A KID.

By Ellery_fml | 0

#164160 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:53

Aww, I said that to my grandma when I was a kid.

eduardocwc | 4

#5305957 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 22:32

Did u get it?

By Madalena_fml | 0

#164166 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:56

You gotta agree , this is kinda cute !

By plethora | 3

#164172 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:04

Kids say the darndest things.

My mama jokes about that all the time, though:
"I love that necklace you're wearing."
"You can have it when I die".

Learn to laugh!

By almosted | 0

#164188 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:27

You can't really give her the ring if you're dead. But yeah, that's great.

chili_is_good | 0

#3863171 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:21

It's called a will

By amelinat | 0

#164190 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:27

Is this the same 6 year old that told her mum she wouldnt even cry when she learnt that shed be off to stay with her favourite aunt & uncle?
It must be Akward Moments with Children week.

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#164191 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:28

L0l, that's cute... At least you know her taste in jewelry!