Kids: Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing...

By itswhateverr - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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Kids

Commando

Are you experienced?

Clerks 3

By Anonymous

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the girl of my dreams that I've been dating for months called me. Apparently she's been having recurring nightmares of me cheating on her. She dumped me "just in case." FML

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By WasteOfTime - United Kingdom

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

So compassionate

Today, my longterm girlfriend and I broke up after 2 months of me not being myself, due to repressed memories of a childhood trauma. Prior to this coming up, I was about about ask her to marry me. FML

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By thanksma - United States - Stilwell

Thanks for the heads up

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Checked out

Today, I went to Walmart to purchase a pregnancy test. I chose my checkout line carefully, to make sure I didn't see anyone I knew. After choosing one, I realized it was 4 o'clock on the dot. Shift change. My mom's best friend took over the shift just as I reached the checkout. FML

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By the only sober one - United States - San Diego

Today, as usual, my mom got shitfaced and started berating me for something. This time, it was for missing a therapy appointment. Not only am I unable to drive, it was her appointment. For her alcoholism. FML

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By RunningMurphy - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

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By neednewfriends - United States

Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML

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By Anonymous - Zambia

Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML

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By anonymous - 25/9/2020 20:01

Sing me to sleep…

Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML

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By Less Friendship, More Cash - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I realized one of my best friends was only friends with me because I would take her shopping, spoil her regularly, and help her out financially. She moved to another province and only contacted me whenever she wanted money. After I refused a couple of times, she deleted me on Facebook. FML

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By biggieT - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Actor's Studio

Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML

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By FuckPollen - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

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By AmericanAlien - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

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By tmi. - Australia

Today, a customer smiled, looked me in the eye and described to me in graphic detail the swelling that occurred to his nuts after his vasectomy. FML

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By nickim756 - United States

Smooth criminal

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

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By Geez - Netherlands

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

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By StungAlot

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I writhed in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet, that I'm embarrassing him. He also mentioned that jellyfish were out today and that I should be careful. Thanks, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through the car wash my boyfriend works at. When I pulled in, I explained I was Greg's girlfriend and cutely asked if I could get a free car wash. His co-worker looked at me confused and said "Greg said he didn't have a girlfriend", then he looked at me and said "Now I know why". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML

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By TheFlash - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

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By Ew-dles

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By mista_sandy - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

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By i believe in shaq - United States - Muskegon

Today, my husband announced that he was fed up with us being known as the neighborhood slobs, and prepared to take down all the Christmas decorations still up from last year. He then decided it was too much effort, and that he'd leave them up to give us a three month head-start. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 05:02

Life of Brian

Today, I never wanted a wife, so of course I got married. I never wanted kids, so of course my unwanted wife insisted we have two. My mother-in-law, who I wish daily would get hit by a bus, just got hired at my workplace. My only pleasure in life is fishing and my kids just broke my only rod. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 02:00

Live dumping

Today, I was having a mass lecture, for 3 classes combined, all microphones muted. I wanted to go to the toilet, so I connected my headphones, and I did my job massively while listening to the teacher. Suddenly, the teacher said, "Oh, close your mic for the love of god." 85 students heard me taking a shit. FML

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By tj85 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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By I’m bushiest - Australia - Bankstown

Today after flying 9+ hours to meet my future month in-law I had to take a pee in the rubbish bucket from her car infront of her, I said in my very bad Japanese “so I guess we are good friends now” she responded with a confident “yes” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I saw my dad pick his teeth with a toothpick from a new box. He ate the food he got out of his teeth and put the toothpick back. FML

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By FailedSniper - United States

Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having I shot at him with the sniper gun I bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was ok. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML

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By Jamie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML

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By Username

Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML

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By disembob - United Kingdom

Today, at a talent show, my band got booed before we even started playing. FML

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By No.Life. - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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Top comments

By philadelphianus | 0

#164135 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

sometimes say things like that to my mom but i'm old enough that she knows i'm not entirely serious..

you should give it to her when you die and it'll mean the world to her and she'll remember how she wanted it since she was a little girl

By esagalyn | 0

#164134 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

Hahaha that is just too funny. Don't take it too hard, little girls love shiny sparkly things.

COMMENTS

By dudewithface | 0

#164128 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:38

FIRST!

GiddyXD | 0

#1177209 - Monday 2 August 2010 14:15

c'mon she's only 6!

By esagalyn | 0

#164134 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

Hahaha that is just too funny. Don't take it too hard, little girls love shiny sparkly things.

tylahgrace | 12

#875447 - Saturday 20 February 2010 14:24

classic hahaha

6969awesome | 0

#986978 - Saturday 1 May 2010 15:39

y are old people on FML? it's not right

megamandude455 | 10

#1012861 - Sunday 30 May 2010 19:54

hey 139, are you a twin?

megamandude455 | 10

#1012867 - Sunday 30 May 2010 20:01

142, why do old people know about FML

cupcakemonster10_fml | 0

#1871968 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 3:38

win :)

fmltodaface | 0

#2275504 - Friday 1 April 2011 6:40

dude thats someones playercard in black ops lol his name is jack?

By philadelphianus | 0

#164135 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

By lady4 | 0

#164154 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:49

LMAO.. SORRY.. BUT REMEMBER SHE'S JUST A KID.

By Ellery_fml | 0

#164160 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:53

Aww, I said that to my grandma when I was a kid.

eduardocwc | 4

#5305957 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 22:32

Did u get it?

By Madalena_fml | 0

#164166 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:56

You gotta agree , this is kinda cute !

By plethora | 3

#164172 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:04

Kids say the darndest things.

My mama jokes about that all the time, though:
"I love that necklace you're wearing."
"You can have it when I die".

Learn to laugh!

By almosted | 0

#164188 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:27

You can't really give her the ring if you're dead. But yeah, that's great.

chili_is_good | 0

#3863171 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:21

It's called a will

By amelinat | 0

#164190 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:27

Is this the same 6 year old that told her mum she wouldnt even cry when she learnt that shed be off to stay with her favourite aunt & uncle?
It must be Akward Moments with Children week.

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#164191 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:28

L0l, that's cute... At least you know her taste in jewelry!