Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill... - FML

By birthday girl - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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Family values

Trust

Thanks, I'm cured!

By apparentlyugly - United States

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

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By CityGirl - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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By Raprotcommander - United States

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

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By notsofriendly - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

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By AbsolutelyEffed - United States

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

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By Ican'tgotoschoolapparently - United States - Vancouver

Today, I found out after $200 worth of checks and tests, three rugs being ruined from her peeing and pooping on them, that my cat isn't sick. She just has really bad separation anxiety. FML

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By brittrus - Canada - Milton

Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML

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By wantsleep

Today, my boss continues to think it's appropriate to send me whining texts about work at midnight. Or 4 a.m. I think his complaints about not selling as much candy as he expected can wait till work hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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By Ashley - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

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By walkingisfun

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady that lives next to me. Funny enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom who lived with me. FML

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By Mikaela - United States

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

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By chris - 5/5/2020 14:00

Frustration level 100

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new coworker asked if I knew her daughter. I responded yes and asked how her pregnancy was going. She didn't know her daughter was pregnant. FML

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By jseid2 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

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By Alexis - United States

Classy.

Today, I spent 12 hours in an airport rather than go back to the apartment of the man I traveled to see for the weekend. Instead of wine, dine, sixty-nine, he took me to a tailgating event and introduced me to two girls he had a threesome with. FML

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By ExFutureGrandsonInLaw

Sorry?

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend's grandparents at church. After 5 minutes of catching up, my ex's frail grandmother asked me when I'm planning on "joining the family". I had to explain to them that their granddaughter had dumped me exactly 2 years before. She cried. FML

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By Grounded - United Kingdom

Today, my mother offered to pay for my tickets to go see my girlfriend who I haven't seen for 6 months. She was happy to pay for the £130 flight, but then refused half way through the purchase because she wasn't going to "let the buggers charge £13 extra" for using her credit card. FML

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By FamilySecret - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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By FMyCountry

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

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By Chad - United States

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

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By soccerscout7

Today, I was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers, because my stomach has been hurting for a few months. To wish me luck, one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach. I threw up blood. FML

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By mkonda - India

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me via a Whatsapp group. FML

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By Nogood - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

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By BarBacked - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML

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By SaveMeTeddy - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

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By bigryngf - United States

Today, I was on my couch when my landlord walked in. He asked what I was doing there. I responded with the same question. Apparently my roommate forgot to call me and tell me that our lease ended three days ago. I am now standing in the parking lot with all my belongings, and it is raining. FML

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By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

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By IPicasso

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

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By firefromherlips - United States - Gallatin

Today, I found out the position I thought I had earned by working hard was only to separate me from my coworkers because I "talked too much". Instead of addressing the issue like adults, I've essentially been put in time-out. FML

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By marray - United States - Aurora

Today, I received a grade of 0 for a paper I worked really hard on. When I emailed my professor for feedback, she told me she gave me a 0 because I misspelled Colombia as "Columbia" and that she's not responsible for my low IQ. FML

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By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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By superhero1043 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By haggisbowl - United States

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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Top comments

By Cruzg2017 | 18

#6019768 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

By darlingdollie | 24

#6019772 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

COMMENTS

By MissAbiRose | 5

#6019767 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

teotsi | 28

#6019787 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:56

It's actually really common.

Reply

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6019841 - Saturday 26 July 2014 15:09

Drugs I'm guessing

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6020431 - Sunday 27 July 2014 6:40

More importantly, why did you pay for it? If its for work don't they usually pay for that?

By Cruzg2017 | 18

#6019768 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

Reply

Googolman | 29

#6019884 - Saturday 26 July 2014 16:48

OP, urea-lly should tell your family and friends not to forget your birthday next time.

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#6020575 - Sunday 27 July 2014 13:08

If you want piss puns, urine luck

Reply

thatgirlinoregon | 21

#6022211 - Tuesday 29 July 2014 8:53

Number One source of piss puns, folks! We'll have to try a wee bit harder to be original!

By darlingdollie | 24

#6019772 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

Reply

Roskosity | 22

#6019954 - Saturday 26 July 2014 19:32

Happy birthday!

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#6020959 - Sunday 27 July 2014 21:47

We still don't.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6019775 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:37

i know that feel, don't let it dampen your mood, you can still have fun.

By ostfaiz | 18

#6019776 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

happy fun frolic n 'pissfull' birthday Op.. ;)

By vikky538 | 28

#6019777 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

Happy birthday OP... dont get pissed...

By xivoricbutterfly | 25

#6019781 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:52

Happy Birthday Op! ♥

By tylerbrynds | 15

#6019784 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:54

Well obviously you are suspected of being on drugs

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6019834 - Saturday 26 July 2014 14:50

or its for medical reasons? or a standard drug test to enter for something like a job. doesnt mean they think theyre actually on drugs

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6019868 - Saturday 26 July 2014 16:18

Well obviously you are a little too quick to judge.

By PassiveAggresive | 12

#6019791 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:03

Happy Birthday OP! It may seem kind of lame saying this, but try and make the best of it, even if you don't get what you want. A positive outlook can bring you a long way!

By mattbaker | 17

#6019796 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:07

Happy birthday