Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill... - FML

By birthday girl - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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In the zone

Good news

Carless whisper

By krushr - Canada

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

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By Des

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

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By Callie - 6/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Jimin causing drama time!

Today, my daughter got mad at me for saying I didn't really get the appeal of Kpop. She went off at me, saying that I should "stan BTS" or something to that effect. She's 28. FML

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By types - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he is going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By ksamp - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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By GK - Australia

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

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By Respect101 - United States - Alvin

Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML

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By too proud to beg - 23/9/2020 02:02

Basic Instinct

Today, I told my husband that it makes me feel unattractive and undesirable that I’m the only one to ever initiate intimacy. Not just sex, but also basic affection like hugging and kissing. His response? "Oh." FML

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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By booksandshadows - United States - San Diego

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

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By CapeRanger - South Africa

Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML

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By GHTD - United Kingdom

Today, at work, whilst on hold to an important client, I said to my co-workers "F*cking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite". I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML

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By catastrophy

Today, a guy I've been seeing called me really drunk again to talk about his and his cat's angst. He put me on speaker so I could have a meowing-conversation with his cat to soothe her. FML

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By Whatthehell

Today, my husband's mistress purposely and dangerously induced her own labor so that she would have the baby on my birthday. Yes, I'm divorcing him. FML

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By skjjj - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By artsmart1 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By clueless - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

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By Lost - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Session done!

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

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By slightlyworried - United States - Parker

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

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By frankie034 - Australia

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 17:01

Not the sharpest tool

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Her six old likes me more than her. I hate kids. I stayed with her in spite of her son, because I love her. For some reason she thought I was going to leave her and take her kid with me. So she broke up with me first. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

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By cynicalcindy - United States

Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out : "Are you having fun ?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I looked through my girlfriend's phone book and saw two entries with my name. One had "(cute)" attached to it. I checked to see if it was my number. It wasn't. FML

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By Yeah - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By Why

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By serenti - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

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By Pattie - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a Brazilian wax in anticipation of becoming intimate for the first time this weekend with a man I have dated for a few weeks. I'm so sore it hurts just to walk. FML

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By Why

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

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By Deli meat prom - United States - Dallas

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

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By -_- - United Kingdom

Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML

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By Elizabeth - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out my upstairs neighbors filed a noise complaint against me for banging on the ceiling every night. They conveniently left out the part where they constantly stomp, shout, and do stuff that sounds like they're dropping bricks to the floor every night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad's new medicine for his bad intestines makes him fart so hard I can feel the vibrations through the floorboards. The whole house smells like an open sewer and he thinks it's funny. He now has to change his undies several times a day from repeatedly shitting himself. FML

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Top comments

By Cruzg2017 | 18

#6019768 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

By darlingdollie | 24

#6019772 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

COMMENTS

By MissAbiRose | 5

#6019767 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

teotsi | 28

#6019787 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:56

It's actually really common.

Reply

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6019841 - Saturday 26 July 2014 15:09

Drugs I'm guessing

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6020431 - Sunday 27 July 2014 6:40

More importantly, why did you pay for it? If its for work don't they usually pay for that?

By Cruzg2017 | 18

#6019768 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

Reply

Googolman | 29

#6019884 - Saturday 26 July 2014 16:48

OP, urea-lly should tell your family and friends not to forget your birthday next time.

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#6020575 - Sunday 27 July 2014 13:08

If you want piss puns, urine luck

Reply

thatgirlinoregon | 21

#6022211 - Tuesday 29 July 2014 8:53

Number One source of piss puns, folks! We'll have to try a wee bit harder to be original!

By darlingdollie | 24

#6019772 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

Reply

Roskosity | 22

#6019954 - Saturday 26 July 2014 19:32

Happy birthday!

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#6020959 - Sunday 27 July 2014 21:47

We still don't.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6019775 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:37

i know that feel, don't let it dampen your mood, you can still have fun.

By ostfaiz | 18

#6019776 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

happy fun frolic n 'pissfull' birthday Op.. ;)

By vikky538 | 28

#6019777 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

Happy birthday OP... dont get pissed...

By xivoricbutterfly | 25

#6019781 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:52

Happy Birthday Op! ♥

By tylerbrynds | 15

#6019784 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:54

Well obviously you are suspected of being on drugs

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6019834 - Saturday 26 July 2014 14:50

or its for medical reasons? or a standard drug test to enter for something like a job. doesnt mean they think theyre actually on drugs

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6019868 - Saturday 26 July 2014 16:18

Well obviously you are a little too quick to judge.

By PassiveAggresive | 12

#6019791 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:03

Happy Birthday OP! It may seem kind of lame saying this, but try and make the best of it, even if you don't get what you want. A positive outlook can bring you a long way!

By mattbaker | 17

#6019796 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:07

Happy birthday