Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 46

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

26/07/2014 04:55

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 828

You deserved it 4 156

Our house, in the middle of our street

Not quite there yet

Come on man, make an effort

10/01/2010 01:23

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 223

You deserved it 3 387

Seize the means

By pygmyfrog - 10/12/2020 14:02

Today, I watched a supervisor in our workspace staple an underling's skirt to her shirt, as the supervisor didn't like her wearing a hip-level skirt, despite having no public contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 656

You deserved it 64

25/08/2011 21:55

Today, I found out that my company is paying more for hors d'oeuvres at one party than I will receive for my entire year long internship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 905

You deserved it 3 413

The best cat

By Nyxilia - 07/12/2019 17:00

Spicy

Today, I was woken up by my cat. Did he bite me? Meow to get fed? No, those are too common. He scratched my hole, and it was very exciting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 307

You deserved it 625

Yummy

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 11:01

Today, I got an unexpected freebie for breakfast: I took my coffee and a plate of food up to my room. By the time I got there, some fairy had topped the food with a generous serving of animal hair. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 648

You deserved it 151

14/03/2014 20:45

Spicy

Today, my friends hired a male stripper to give me a lap dance for my birthday. It was all pretty nice until he let rip one of the most nauseating farts I've ever encountered, right in my face. Hours later, I can still smell it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 923

You deserved it 7 431

01/08/2019 16:00

Today, being my usual clumsy self, I slipped on the stairs and landed on my tailbone. Hard. Now, I can't even sit up. I have to drive to school and sit on a very hard plastic chair for four and a half hours tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 451

You deserved it 135

03/01/2013 06:47

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 916

You deserved it 25 569

25/04/2009 12:49

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 825

You deserved it 80 460

02/12/2010 15:36

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 497

You deserved it 2 924

05/12/2011 00:40

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 218

You deserved it 49 030

I need some me time

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 23:04

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a 3-hour trip because she needed a break from the baby and me. I forgot to mention who she went with: her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 127

31/01/2009 20:26

Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 978

You deserved it 3 285

15/08/2010 12:52

Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 226

You deserved it 2 883

07/12/2014 20:54

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 732

You deserved it 4 366

18/01/2012 01:39

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 324

You deserved it 5 334

09/05/2012 22:19

Spicy

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 576

You deserved it 41 666

Different goals

By Baby bird - 23/05/2021 11:01

Today, I asked my husband if it was a good time to think about having kids. His response was, "ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NEVER." I’ve always wanted to be a mom and he knows that. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 423

You deserved it 534

30/12/2009 04:58

Spicy

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 302

You deserved it 3 072

05/09/2009 04:23

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say "You're adopted, nobody loves you" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 658

You deserved it 76 694

28/03/2013 22:35

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 021

You deserved it 3 640

12/01/2010 17:52

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 604

You deserved it 2 358

26/12/2015 18:23

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 563

You deserved it 3 043

28/09/2016 09:52

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 589

You deserved it 2 565

15/08/2018 13:00

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 518

You deserved it 1 228

The future

By omen - 02/09/2020 10:01

Today, I have to take care of my abusive grandpa. He's smearing poop all over the wall and peeing on the bed again. It's still morning and I'm bracing myself for doing this five times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 99

Time for an intervention

By Sierra Madre - 20/10/2019 04:00

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 161

03/09/2018 17:30

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 564

You deserved it 209

This woman's work

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 17:02

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 81

25/06/2016 17:21

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 381

You deserved it 777

27/09/2015 02:24

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 715

You deserved it 5 568

26/05/2012 00:15

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 190

You deserved it 2 714

10/08/2011 12:36

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 487

You deserved it 7 130

26/01/2009 15:51

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 040

You deserved it 2 797

Anyone there?

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 11:01

Today, I'm still waiting for my current job, which gaslit me in various ways for a year, to acknowledge my month's notice. My new job starts in 3 weeks. I'm genuinely not sure if my (ex) managers and HR are all on furlough, or if they're just fucking with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 63

Inappropriate

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 19:39

Spicy

Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 431

You deserved it 3 233

14/07/2012 20:10

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 160

You deserved it 54 525

11/07/2019 22:00

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 308

23/05/2011 19:33

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 404

You deserved it 3 180

17/05/2016 03:26

Today, I saw a man help an elderly lady with her tray at the local McDonald's. I wanted to do something nice for him, so I added a couple extra nuggets in his meal. He later came up to me and told me I was dumb and didn't know how to count, and that was why I was working at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 519

You deserved it 1 404

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

darlingdollie 24

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

Comments

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

teotsi 28

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:56

It's actually really common.

xxrogerthatxx 19

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Saturday 26 July 2014 15:09

Drugs I'm guessing

Brandi_Faith 33

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Sunday 27 July 2014 6:40

More importantly, why did you pay for it? If its for work don't they usually pay for that?

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 16:48

OP, urea-lly should tell your family and friends not to forget your birthday next time.

fuckyourlifeOP 25

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Sunday 27 July 2014 13:08

If you want piss puns, urine luck

thatgirlinoregon 21

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Tuesday 29 July 2014 8:53

Number One source of piss puns, folks! We'll have to try a wee bit harder to be original!

darlingdollie 24

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:32

Happy birthday!

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Sunday 27 July 2014 21:47

We still don't.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:37

i know that feel, don't let it dampen your mood, you can still have fun.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

happy fun frolic n 'pissfull' birthday Op.. ;)

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

Happy birthday OP... dont get pissed...

xivoricbutterfly 25

Saturday 26 July 2014 12:52

Happy Birthday Op! ♥

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Saturday 26 July 2014 12:54

Well obviously you are suspected of being on drugs

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Saturday 26 July 2014 14:50

or its for medical reasons? or a standard drug test to enter for something like a job. doesnt mean they think theyre actually on drugs

ChristianH39 30

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Saturday 26 July 2014 16:18

Well obviously you are a little too quick to judge.

PassiveAggresive 12

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Saturday 26 July 2014 13:03

Happy Birthday OP! It may seem kind of lame saying this, but try and make the best of it, even if you don't get what you want. A positive outlook can bring you a long way!

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Saturday 26 July 2014 13:07

Happy birthday