Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill... - FML

By birthday girl - 26/7/2014 04:55 - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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Season finale

Long story short

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By XxDiabolikalXx - 24/8/2010 07:30 - France

Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldnt have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriends excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He isn't laughing. FML

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By cjgreer70 - 18/1/2014 23:09 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By daremetobecooler - 8/4/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I saw a letter from Geneseo that invited me to apply to the honors college. Excited, I wrote the required two page essay on how I am organized. I then saw the strict deadline was March 15th. My little brother thought it would be funny to hide my mail. For the past seven weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 12:27 - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

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By Shamed - 6/9/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

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By mbrooke - 23/3/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, me and couple of friends were driving around town and saw a lady who had accidentally backed her car up onto a concrete wall. Laughing, we all turned to look as we passed and I drove straight into a parked police car at 30 that had stopped to help her. FML

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By Harejordan - 4/2/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 05:38 - United Kingdom

Today, before setting off on my train journey I checked my booking. The (non-refundable) return date was a week later than I intended, and after buying a new ticket online, I was informed that I would be able to collect it in 2 hours. I leave in an hour. I'll have to pay three times to come home. FML

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By Sickasadog - 6/2/2017 16:00 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 06:06 - United States - Friendswood

Today, I brought a boy over to my house to help with a history project. My mom suddenly swooped in and bombarded him with questions about his and my sex life, and how she wants to have exactly four grandchildren. FML

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By Frouse - 4/6/2019 16:00

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 07:32 - United States - Sparks

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

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By ryuken23 - 14/2/2012 19:16 - United Kingdom

Today, after breaking down in front of my therapist over some really sensitive issues, she decided to also break down. Not about my story but about her own life. I'm not being paid to comfort and console my therapist. FML

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By oink oink... - 12/10/2013 13:19 - United States - Mason

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has decided my new nickname will be "Oink Oink". FML

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By Lizofsmeg - 11/5/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

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By - 3/3/2017 12:00

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. Couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2014 17:03 - United States - Portland

Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 08:29

Thanks for all the help

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 22:06 - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By notgoodenough38 - 27/12/2010 22:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2016 04:55 - India - New Delhi

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

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By myeyesburn - 28/10/2019 14:00 - Canada

Dangleberries

Today, I got up from bed after a good night's sleep, and walked outside. The first thing I saw was my 60-ish year-old neighbor bent over, picking up a newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a way too short bathrobe and a pair of rubber boots. FML

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By mystupidname - 3/9/2019 14:00 - Denmark

Sixteen again

Today, my dad and his new fiancée are like two love-sick bunnies. They start having sex immediately whenever I leave the house. Even when I take out the trash. FML

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By xswitch74 - 16/3/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By jamerz - 26/5/2019 04:00

Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML

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By Moondoggie_ggk69 - 23/1/2010 17:53 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

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By GLX - 14/6/2017 17:00 - United States - Sand Springs

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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By facepalm - 2/5/2019 00:00

Today, my son won’t stop crying, all because I told him he couldn’t go trick-or-treating in April. FML

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By princesss_14 - 26/12/2013 02:07 - United States - Seguin

Today, I got a whistle key finder from my grandma for Christmas. This would have been nice if I could actually whistle. FML

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By Kit2019 - 23/7/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML

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By thanks, Nemo. - 11/7/2013 23:13 - United States - Hayward

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

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By lamemom - 5/4/2014 22:05 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML

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By foreveralone - 21/3/2020 06:00

Spin on this

Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML

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By PlsForget - 18/8/2016 21:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 17:00

Last dates

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

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By Busted - 12/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I doodled on a sheet of paper trashing our English teacher. Later, I went to English class, and my teacher asked for us to take out a sheet of loose sheet of paper and write an essay. It wasn't until I had written on the whole front and flipped to the back that I realized I was using the doodle sheet. FML

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By honey soy - 29/1/2012 06:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By Jerry - 19/12/2017 15:00

Such a Jerry thing to do...

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

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Top comments

By Cruzg2017 | 18

#6019768 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

By darlingdollie | 24

#6019772 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

COMMENTS

By MissAbiRose | 5

#6019767 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

teotsi | 28

#6019787 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:56

It's actually really common.

Reply

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6019841 - Saturday 26 July 2014 15:09

Drugs I'm guessing

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6020431 - Sunday 27 July 2014 6:40

More importantly, why did you pay for it? If its for work don't they usually pay for that?

By Cruzg2017 | 18

#6019768 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:28

I bet you were pissed.

Reply

Googolman | 29

#6019884 - Saturday 26 July 2014 16:48

OP, urea-lly should tell your family and friends not to forget your birthday next time.

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#6020575 - Sunday 27 July 2014 13:08

If you want piss puns, urine luck

Reply

thatgirlinoregon | 21

#6022211 - Tuesday 29 July 2014 8:53

Number One source of piss puns, folks! We'll have to try a wee bit harder to be original!

By darlingdollie | 24

#6019772 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:34

Happy birthday, OP! It's okay, nobody cared about mine a couple days ago either!

Reply

Roskosity | 22

#6019954 - Saturday 26 July 2014 19:32

Happy birthday!

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#6020959 - Sunday 27 July 2014 21:47

We still don't.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6019775 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:37

i know that feel, don't let it dampen your mood, you can still have fun.

By ostfaiz | 18

#6019776 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

happy fun frolic n 'pissfull' birthday Op.. ;)

By vikky538 | 28

#6019777 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:38

Happy birthday OP... dont get pissed...

By xivoricbutterfly | 25

#6019781 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:52

Happy Birthday Op! ♥

By tylerbrynds | 15

#6019784 - Saturday 26 July 2014 12:54

Well obviously you are suspected of being on drugs

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6019834 - Saturday 26 July 2014 14:50

or its for medical reasons? or a standard drug test to enter for something like a job. doesnt mean they think theyre actually on drugs

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6019868 - Saturday 26 July 2014 16:18

Well obviously you are a little too quick to judge.

By PassiveAggresive | 12

#6019791 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:03

Happy Birthday OP! It may seem kind of lame saying this, but try and make the best of it, even if you don't get what you want. A positive outlook can bring you a long way!

By mattbaker | 17

#6019796 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:07

Happy birthday