Love: Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/09/2013 18:10 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 034

You deserved it 4 147

Vulture

Hush

Work sucks, I know

By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 11:47 - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 277

You deserved it 2 038

By imanidiot - 03/03/2009 06:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. Its a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 197

You deserved it 152 100

Poor little bunny

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 04:01

Today, after I warned my son repeatedly that if he wanted a rabbit he had to clean and feed it, I checked on it. It wasn’t just dead, it was dead and rotting in a pool of its own pee and faeces. I yelled at him, but he just shrugged and told me rabbits are boring and he forgot it was even there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 1 795

By Mina - 08/05/2019 14:00

Today, my son came home from school with a catastrophic report card. When I asked him for explanations, he replied, "I'm hesitating between family environment and heredity." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 300

By life_isnt_fair - 09/03/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and dumped me. Thirty minutes later he called asking for me back. When I asked why, he said "The other girl dumped me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 545

You deserved it 4 541

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 17:57 - Germany - Hagen

Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 403

You deserved it 31 155

By KidKillah - 01/09/2012 04:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 992

You deserved it 3 166

By French - 04/05/2011 17:29 - Switzerland

Today, my boss told me I'm not working hard enough because I take French classes two mornings a week and therefore I won't be getting a promotion. If I want the promotion I have to stop taking my French classes. These are the same French classes I was told I originally needed for the promotion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 922

You deserved it 2 970

By whattdafuuukkkk - 05/06/2012 11:56 - United States

Today, a little girl walked up to me at Target and asked me what my name was. I smiled and told her my name was Kristen. She looked at the skirt I was wearing and said, "Kristen, can you wear pants tomorrow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 361

You deserved it 6 578

By Anonymous - 21/06/2009 08:50 - Australia

Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I'm still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying "Don't worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don't go for looks. You'll be fine". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 131

You deserved it 4 000

By DaddysGirl - 16/10/2011 10:36 - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 328

You deserved it 2 591

By Anonymous - 16/07/2019 22:30

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 111

By ~~~ - 29/06/2014 17:08 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 476

You deserved it 4 320

Who are you?

By forgotten - 02/10/2009 07:46 - United Kingdom

Today, being the nice grandchild that I am, I went to visit my grandmother. She didn't recognise who I was. I thought she was joking. She later called the police as, "Some weirdo had walked into her house." I'm that weirdo; she wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 419

You deserved it 2 816

Thanks capitalism, I hate it!

By Rusty Armstrong - 17/08/2020 05:01

Today, the prison program I work for has been shut down for months due to Covid, but my bosses have been having us sitting at our desks, doing nothing, in proximity to the inmates. I guess they'd rather pay us to be exposed than to stay safe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 151

You deserved it 149

By Anonymous - 01/06/2016 11:05 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 435

You deserved it 838

By Lameartist - 12/02/2012 10:36

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 533

You deserved it 37 768

By JSF1234 - 11/05/2009 17:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 033

You deserved it 3 516

Genetics

By Anonymous - 29/09/2021 17:00

Today, my twin sister gave birth and somehow now weighs less than before she was pregnant. She also has huge boobs now and not a stretch mark in sight. Meanwhile, I’m still carrying an extra 15 pounds, even though I gave birth 5 years ago, and so many stretch marks I look like a fat zebra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 242

By BbyDelight - 27/04/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 731

You deserved it 8 612

By Neanderthals walk among us - 04/08/2013 19:09 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 471

You deserved it 3 138

By paulwatson93 - 17/05/2011 04:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I was showing off spinning the ball around on the tip of my finger. One trip to the ER and two crushed nuts later, I've found that mixing alcohol and heavy shiny balls is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 340

You deserved it 51 638

By Anonymous - 24/09/2010 11:25 - United States

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 054

You deserved it 75 180

By Anonymous - 21/04/2015 15:40 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 288

You deserved it 2 901

Fault

By Bleh - 22/06/2021 05:00 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I accidentally let slip to my mom that I hardly remember the graduation party she threw me four years ago. She proceeded to verbally assault me for forgetting the special occasion. I had a brain complication two years ago which resulted in some memory loss. Apparently, it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 59

By Jamie - 20/09/2013 00:47 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 213

You deserved it 13 873

Bad day

By Matt L - 21/08/2020 14:07 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I discovered a nail in the tire of my car and a nice sized crack on the screen of my phone. I didn't think the day could get worse, until on my way to fix my tire, the cherry of my cigarette fell off and burned a huge hole in my driver's seat. This was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 1 242

By ramble ramble - 30/01/2014 20:55 - United States - Monroe

Today, I was taking a leisurely stroll through the woods in the nice cool weather, when a mountain biker came out of nowhere and tore past, barely missing me. As I counted my luck, another biker followed the first and crashed right into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 731

You deserved it 4 400

By HeatherRosure18 - 25/02/2013 23:04 - United States - Glendale Heights

Today, while at the nail salon, my boyfriend called. Since I was getting my nails done, I had to put him on speaker. The whole salon heard him break up with me. I can still hear their snickering in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 896

You deserved it 7 366

By Cococautly - 04/07/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 682

You deserved it 13 864

By Anonymous - 13/09/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 950

You deserved it 10 477

By Shotacon - 07/04/2016 03:06 - United States - Woodbury

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 052

You deserved it 1 278

By trice - 08/05/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 292

You deserved it 4 291

By unmarried - 04/05/2016 00:39 - Canada - Weston

Today, my fiancé received his divorce papers. Thanks to his procrastinating, his divorce is effective May 29th. We're supposed to get married on May 28th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 290

You deserved it 5 286

By fistpumpin4life - 10/10/2010 00:51 - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 565

You deserved it 33 280

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 06:21 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 546

You deserved it 5 618

By sassy_girl144 - 29/05/2015 10:58 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 360

You deserved it 6 226

By anonynous - 27/06/2015 15:01 - United States - Charlotte

Today, while watching a family movie, my mother made every effort to make sure I covered my eyes during a kissing scene. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise, since she still forces me to put my phone in her room every night as she makes me go to bed at 8:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 623

You deserved it 3 611

By yeah - 17/07/2015 14:59 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 683

You deserved it 1 946

By yvon la moto - 06/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 974

You deserved it 32 070

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Top comments

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Nothing says happy birthday like a clean asshole. Take it all in stride.

BlesstheSilence 11

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:45

Swiggity swooty he's coming for that booty!

Comments

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Nothing says happy birthday like a clean asshole. Take it all in stride.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 September 2013 3:02

Oh she'll be taking it all in, alright...that's why he got her the enema kit!

TheCanucklehead 22

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Sunday 22 September 2013 3:13

What asshole. I rectum he's gonna get single

michaelaranda 28

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Sunday 22 September 2013 3:24

Nothing beats practicality.

jw90 18

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Sunday 22 September 2013 3:56

Cuz everyone likes a clean asshole nowadays.

Sunday 22 September 2013 4:41

and you know its a SHE how dont assume man i have a boyfriend and im not a girl

tanekdrachonae 19

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:42

In all honesty it's to clean you out in an hint at anal sex. Or that's his fetish.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:43

Because FMLs have a gender symbol, this one is female, silly.

guineagirl96 38

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:43

#61 it's got the female symbol next to her username....

jimmywithsalt 19

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:55

Haha!! Love this comment!!! :)

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:59

Hinting at surprise buttsex..? O_e

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Sunday 22 September 2013 5:26

Ah.. I love when someone tries to make a point and fails like a fucking moron. Honestly man, no one cares you have a boyfriend. Congratulations, what you do in your life is your choice. When you start acting a fool and parading around trying to make us look like we're in the wrong for assuming OP's a female, you make yourself look like a jackass. Have fun with your enemas, pal, no one gives a shit.

expertsmilee 26

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Sunday 22 September 2013 5:31

79 - that's about the most perfect explanation on that topic ever.

KawaiiCupcake 14

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Sunday 22 September 2013 8:00

So it's for cleaning ass holes? I'm slow so I don't know...

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Sunday 22 September 2013 8:08

*prepare your anus*

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Sunday 22 September 2013 8:15

This is the longest thread I've ever seen. And it really didn't have to be...

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Sunday 22 September 2013 11:24

True, but the post does say that OP is from Venus.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 15:40

Seems more like she's from Uranus

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Sunday 22 September 2013 15:57

Look at the symbol by the op's name Mr

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Sunday 22 September 2013 17:05

#61 Cause up the top she tells us she's a girl by the little sign thing :/

mdw7 12

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Sunday 22 September 2013 18:02

Your photo creeps me out.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 September 2013 18:03

Not everyone uses the website to read these. in the FML app I'm using, it doesn't show the male/female symbols. Dude may not have realized it has that where most people follow these.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 18:10

Physical and Mental Perpetration. Happy Birthday.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 18:41

Sorry, I meant the longest thread with irrelevant comments that shouldn't have been posted as replies to #1.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 19:48

They are to clean your bowels out, some people like them, I don't get how people can like them, they are so uncomfortable!!

Send a private message

Sunday 22 September 2013 23:39

A year or two ago they didn't allow you to expand comments on specific posts so everyone posted irrelevant comments on #1 so it would be seen higher up.

naiveprophet 15

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 15:25

#61, it says (woman) right after Anonymous.

JuliaaNoelle 26

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

That's not weird at all....

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Sunday 22 September 2013 17:40

He's definitely hinting at something.

IHATEFMYLIFE 26

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Sunday 22 September 2013 20:45

Exactly. I'm thinking he wants to try anal and wants to make sure it's clean and empty up there! Hahaha

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:44

So he can watch football and look like he did u a solid

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:49

Wow I read that so fast I thought it said antenna

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:50

I was under the impression that the results of an enema aren't very solid.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:24

3, lol. "But I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend got me an antennae."

dianafuentes 17

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:44

maybe its a hint.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 6:10

that he thinks OP is full of shit

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Sunday 22 September 2013 6:33

No 90* maybe hes hinting he wants anal.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 7:35

what what in the butt

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Sunday 22 September 2013 8:18

It's a trap!

Obey_StudBoii 23

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Sunday 22 September 2013 8:46

A hint for buttsex.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 9:46

he wants to make sure his first anal experience is clean

bb97 3

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:44

Birthday sex

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Sunday 22 September 2013 3:21

Silly OP, the enema wasn't your present. That was purely to prepare for it hahahah

cc1992 11

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:38

I'm imagining OP's reaction will be that of your profile picture!

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Sunday 22 September 2013 7:03

B-day b-sex.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:44

Be thankful he remembered, OP!

creepyclowntown 10

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:45

clean anal sex for him?

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:45

It seems like he wants to take your relationship to the next level. The "I'm gonna inject this liquid into your rectum" level. Sounds a bit like anal now that I think about it.

BlesstheSilence 11

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:45

Swiggity swooty he's coming for that booty!

Neyuu 18

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:53

Swiggity swag, he'll mount you like a stag!

x_the_lancer_x 13

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:55

Down voted only because you used the word swag, AND used it to rhyme.

Neyuu 18

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:55

Swiggity swag, he'll mount you like a stag!

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:26

20, downvoted you because you used the word also

happle 21

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Sunday 22 September 2013 4:40

Deer have such a great sense of humor. c:

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Sunday 22 September 2013 5:00

My picture says it all.

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Sunday 22 September 2013 7:05

#73, I saw #9's comment, and am so glad you commented that i just HAD to say something!

BlesstheSilence 11

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Sunday 22 September 2013 7:45

Ha! My picture does too! xD

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 0:11

What happened here? This isn't tumblr!

INDYSTRUCTABLE 43

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Friday 27 October 2017 4:42

????

utrax 23

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

Well now you get to clean yourself properly! Happy birthday OP, I hope you've had a great day!

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Sunday 22 September 2013 7:22

Nothing says a great day like, "Let's do anal!"

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 149