Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally...

By ... - 20/01/2019 02:00

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 726

Taking stock

Management balls-up

Relief

Should be interesting at the office tomorrow…

By confused_lemon - 04/06/2019 00:00

Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 604

By arthur - 19/11/2011 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I said hello to her as I came in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 735

You deserved it 2 616

By Tagged - 13/09/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 174

You deserved it 7 741

By anonymous - 01/02/2016 06:07 - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 966

You deserved it 1 443

By Snurkles McGree - 29/12/2011 06:47 - Canada

Today, my racist grandmother was complaining that the new nurse at her nursing home is a black woman. I casually asked, "Is she cute?" I'm now out of the will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 371

You deserved it 7 625

Who are you?

By Anonymous - 28/07/2021 23:01 - United States - Portland

Today, I was bowling with a woman I like. At the end of the night, I was trying to decide whether I should ask her out. I went up to her and said, "It was fun bowling with you." She said, "Thank you, Patrick." My name isn't Patrick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 108

By aawkward... - 09/12/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 912

You deserved it 2 477

Bye bye

By Dan - 17/11/2020 22:58

Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 960

By Brayden - 10/01/2016 03:27 - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 238

You deserved it 1 744

By Whoops - 03/09/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I discovered the guy that sits next to me in class is actually a girl. Not only is that bad, but we had to write a paper about each other. I used the words "him" and "he", and read it to the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 220

You deserved it 42 252

By uglyorstupid - 20/04/2010 16:46 - Croatia

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 225

You deserved it 5 212

By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 00:14 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend texted me from a bar, saying they had just called my name in a raffle to win a trip to Aspen, CO. You had to be at the bar to claim the prize. I had left the bar half-an-hour earlier, not knowing they were even having a raffle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 591

You deserved it 4 416

By Jarool - 12/05/2014 19:41 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 555

You deserved it 6 599

By Deirbhile - 03/05/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 713

You deserved it 7 051

By Chels - 18/08/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 841

You deserved it 3 096

Rejection erection

By paidback - 25/12/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 613

You deserved it 82 899

By WillaminaL - 20/01/2012 03:33 - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 096

You deserved it 40 231

By Getmeout - 31/05/2012 06:50 - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 630

You deserved it 5 708

By hannahisacooler - 16/07/2013 23:41 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 241

You deserved it 3 828

By Jack - 08/07/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 607

You deserved it 5 151

By facepalming all the way - 19/07/2015 06:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 604

You deserved it 2 320

By I hate children - 18/08/2014 12:10 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 122

You deserved it 5 141

Inspirational tale

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 02:03 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my parents got a call from my principal. I'd been lying that I couldn’t see the work I had to do in my online class, because I was behind and I needed to catch up. Tomorrow my parents are getting a call, telling them the dates I've been logged into the online learning. I haven’t logged in in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 209

You deserved it 2 395

By PhDdaughter - 04/12/2009 10:16 - Switzerland

Today, the electrician came because our kitchen light has been flickering. After examining the installation, he screws the lightbulb tighter in the socket. My parents both are PhDs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 312

You deserved it 8 055

Make up your mind

By choke on a dick, sir - 01/11/2013 22:47 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 652

You deserved it 7 656

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 15:56 - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 146

You deserved it 3 365

By Lexy - 10/11/2018 12:00

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 983

You deserved it 415

By Username - 15/09/2010 18:02 - France

Today, after telling me his other girlfriend is pregnant, my boyfriend said we should stay together so I could help out with the baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 935

You deserved it 4 789

By pasha - 16/05/2015 00:51 - Canada - Beamsville

Today, my overly-clean mum decided to drop by and surprise me by cleaning my house while I was out jogging. She used half a bottle of bleach, and now it hurts to blink, let alone breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 086

You deserved it 2 837

By J.O.S - 21/03/2012 21:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 541

You deserved it 3 320

By yeasty - 06/07/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 998

You deserved it 4 512

By lolzor - 12/03/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 452

You deserved it 105 943

Getting on

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 23:00

Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 232

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 09:53 - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 144

You deserved it 29 124

By royallymessedup - 14/08/2016 13:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the price I paid to go on a kayaking trip in the sea was nothing compared to the price that my foot paid when it inadvertently stepped on a sea urchin halfway into the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 975

You deserved it 1 106

Alternative medicine is bull

By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 23:01

Today, when my neighbor came over to ask about a serious rash her child had, she totally passed by me, the EMT/firefighter, to ask the hippy pastry chef what she thought of it, and if she had oils to "cure" it. So much for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 189

By scumbag i guess - 08/09/2012 00:26 - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 886

You deserved it 53 233

By Minabee - 04/02/2010 18:28 - United States

Today, I am meeting my boyfriend's very conservative parents for the first time, so I decided to dress appropriately and curl my hair to match. In so doing, I accidentally touched the iron to my neck, and now I have a burn there that closely resembles a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 920

You deserved it 4 873

By SonOfaSpy - 18/07/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 993

You deserved it 2 655

By MasterMcrib - 17/04/2016 20:33 - United States - Highland Park

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 809

You deserved it 36 060

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Top comments

Charlie Given 24

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Sunday 20 January 2019 2:17

Aww the joys of toddlers 🤣🤣

blahblabbity 19

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Sunday 20 January 2019 2:28

just explain what happened to them, i bet they won’t be too mad. also tell her those aren’t nice words

Comments

Charlie Given 24

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Sunday 20 January 2019 2:17

Aww the joys of toddlers 🤣🤣

blahblabbity 19

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Sunday 20 January 2019 2:28

just explain what happened to them, i bet they won’t be too mad. also tell her those aren’t nice words

mas12806 22

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Sunday 20 January 2019 4:05

Everyone learns eventually, why wait

darkshadus 10

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Sunday 20 January 2019 13:51

If you don't make a big deal about it most kids stop on their own

disturbedgd 26

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Sunday 20 January 2019 14:42

And at that "moment" you used your time to post it on FML.

Miss_Red 17

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Monday 21 January 2019 11:55

As a mum of a three year old, i literally laughted out loud.. then immediately remembered that my son wouldnt stop calling the family pet a shithead today.

AmbrosiaFan 18

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Monday 21 January 2019 18:59

The reason kids keep saying it is because some adults make it such a HUGE THING. My son said "holy shit" when he was four. After my husband and I hid our laughter and just looked at our son, we said "try not to say that again as I know you are just copying what mommy said. definitely don't say it around maw maw and paw paw and not in public either ok?"... My now 7 year old hardly swears, he let damn slip once and I just reminded him to not say it in public. He also doesn't like the word "fuck" so he doesn't say it.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 195

You deserved it 48

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 26