Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been...

By college student - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

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Miscellaneous

Taking stock

Clean break

Knock off

By Weirdo - 22/11/2020 08:02

Technologically challenged

Today, once again, my mom chewed me out for, “playing games on the computer all day.” I’m not playing, it’s 3D modeling, and it’s my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I like. I got very excited so I quickly picked up. As it turns out, she was actually prank calling me, pretending to be a "liposuction telemarketer" but forgot to press *67. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rock Hill

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

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24205

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2070

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By TJ - India

Today, my friend whacked me on the family jewels while I was washing my hands in the college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML

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38135

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45005

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By Ow - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24439

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By killerxdeagles - United States - Wichita

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

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35434

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By nikto

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

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By badluckryan - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24425

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By xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx - Singapore

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27818

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26689

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By LilShawty2000 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69609

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36556

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36206

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By gs - United States

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

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26984

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 02:01

Eco-friendly

Today, my colleague heated 1,5 liters of water, waited visibly impatient the several minutes it took to boil, made himself one cup of tea, then poured the rest down the drain. Maximum amount of time and energy wasted in one go? Check. FML

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770

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By whatthehell - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

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67184

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By Sooz - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, after 6 months of sex, my boyfriend showered himself with praise for managing, for the first time ever, to stretch the act out to a full minute. FML

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52222

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

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11298

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By Hotdamn - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By belladonna1025 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

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10194

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By >.> - Canada - Chestermere

Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. FML

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61806

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went and bought my wife a new cell phone for a Christmas present. She called me five minutes later saying she got a notification e-mail thanking her for her purchase. FML

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27793

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By dearme - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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36227

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By Metallurge - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I was so hungry when I finished work that I grabbed some chips to eat on the bus home. The guy who sat next to me spat in them as he left to get off. FML

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33030

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By Hailey - United States

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend. I am at my Aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she is taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

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11339

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

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39155

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By scammed - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

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60614

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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27311

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By Cleanfreak? - Denmark - ?lborg

Funky

Today, I got into an argument, followed by the silent treatment from my boyfriend, because I told him that he should change his underwear daily. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4837

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38134

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by sending me a text. She was sitting right beside me on a 10 hour car trip, and there was still 6 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40249

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By punchedhelper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25136

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By Cheated - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60152

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Haunted house

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

640

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144

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By Zach Got Robbed - United States - Clifton

Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52172

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20749

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2031

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By unitywoods - United States

Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83036

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By - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37304

You deserved it

7286

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By colorblind - United States

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

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14422

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Top comments

By garrett_8614 | 14

#6126814 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:37

Well if you ate all those beans, I don't think a hangover is the only problem you'll be experiencing today...

By Slaught000 | 9

#6126817 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:37

Lol you are an alcoholic if you get black-outs.

COMMENTS

By garrett_8614 | 14

#6126814 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:37

Well if you ate all those beans, I don't think a hangover is the only problem you'll be experiencing today...

lnheritance | 19

#6126855 - Monday 24 November 2014 8:08

Post Apocalypse? Might be a sign OP. You may have prolonged your life.

coming back in the future | 30

#6126857 - Monday 24 November 2014 8:09

But did OP use his flybuys?

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6127139 - Monday 24 November 2014 18:33

Maybe they're for the nuclear apocalypse

lex1459 | 38

#6127596 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 9:39

If op didn't eat them all, they should turn it into a good deed and donate them to the food bank.

By Slaught000 | 9

#6126817 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:37

Lol you are an alcoholic if you get black-outs.

AnOriginalName | 19

#6126858 - Monday 24 November 2014 8:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6126868 - Monday 24 November 2014 8:27

Did putting "lol" and alcoholic in the same sentence really offend you that much? Why so serious?

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6126881 - Monday 24 November 2014 9:03

Dude #21 there was alcoholism in my family growing up but I wasn't the least bit offended or hurt by #2's comment...everyone knows it's a serious illness. relax, have a laugh, see the joy in life

AnOriginalName | 19

#6126975 - Monday 24 November 2014 12:20

Sorry, I wrote that while I was at work, and work had me pissed off tonight.

Note for the future: don't work while you're FMLing.

A07 | 48

#6126989 - Monday 24 November 2014 12:57

#34 shouldn't it be the other way around?

AnOriginalName | 19

#6127247 - Monday 24 November 2014 20:57

No, I think that's the right way.

By Lhiah | 17

#6126819 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:39

At least you didn't wake up with someone in bed.

Slaught000 | 9

#6126825 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:40

That would have been a good thing. Definitely better than waking up with cans of beans.

martin8337 | 35

#6126953 - Monday 24 November 2014 11:46

Unless she looks like Frankenstein's daughter or something.

AnOriginalName | 19

#6126978 - Monday 24 November 2014 12:23

Or herpes. That tends to be a possible slight negative to waking up next to a stranger.

martin8337 | 35

#6127025 - Monday 24 November 2014 14:24

Don't forget about the clap or AIDS.

By danilynn6308 | 14

#6126820 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:39

Maybe they were on sale..?

By ileenefudge | 29

#6126821 - Monday 24 November 2014 7:39

Sounds like you should take a break from drinking for a while if you get so drunk that you can't remember what you did or where you went the night before.