Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping....

By Seline - 25/11/2010 14:48

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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Animals

Family values

Ambien conversations are the worst

Mr Sensitivity

By Ew?Really? - 4/8/2014 05:42 - United States - Montrose

Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML

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By dk_2k16 - 12/4/2016 20:29 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By craphanded - 19/7/2011 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

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By Tori - 15/7/2012 21:52 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Despite all my attempts to explain that he's wrong, he is totally convinced that my genitals have diabetes. This guy is going to be such a great father to our kids. FML

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By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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By busybuzzybee - 17/8/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

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By young grandpa - 17/6/2013 22:49 - United States - Statham

Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML

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By Ghettogirl4life - 12/7/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

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By Leaving Early Fail - 12/1/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

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By Nasu Johi - 6/9/2018 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 22:00

Today, I learned how to sharpen a knife. I sharpened it so well that it went through my finger like a lightsaber. FML

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By wlisy - 30/9/2019 18:00

Drugged?

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 17:01

Creepy crawlies

Today, a friend of mine told me, after coming over to my house for years, that she has tiny "bugs" that are attached to her and follow her wherever she goes. FML

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By Milly - 30/1/2011 19:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 10:05 - United States - Palmdale

Today, out of partying reflex, I downed Communion wine like a vodka shot. FML

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By Anonymouse - 2/7/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By eggonmiface - 1/7/2018 15:00

Today, I made scrambled eggs. Returning the rest of the carton, I tripped and spilled 10 raw eggs all over the inside of the fridge. The same fridge I spent 2 hours cleaning and scrubbing every drawer and shelf of yesterday. FML

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By yesikilledit - 20/11/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

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By bill219 - 7/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

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By Richard - 6/2/2010 18:39 - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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By lizi - 21/8/2017 03:30 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 08:00 - United States - Temecula

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

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By Morgan Bailey - 18/9/2018 14:00

Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 04:07 - United States - Aurora

Today, I told my daughter that she won't be going to her homecoming dance as punishment for her terrible grades. She's been crying and singing "If I Die Young" in her room for hours. At this point, I don't know if I need to call a therapist or a vocal coach. FML

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By pleasekillme - 19/4/2013 11:44 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, it has been over 3 months since my housemates ended their 1 month long relationship. He's still creepily obsessed with her. He picked the bathroom lock when I was in the shower and tried to get in, and then called me a "fucking c*nt" when he realised it was me in there, not her. FML

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By hairy - 25/2/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

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50785

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By pizzacat - 22/9/2010 08:49 - Australia

Today, I was conducting interviews and I could tell this particular candidate was really nervous, so I was extra nice. At the end, he was reluctant to shake my hand. On the way out I realised why: I had lost the top button on my low cut top, and he was nursing his appreciation of the view. FML

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By Fonzie34 - 1/3/2010 02:42 - United States

Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By sh3n-D - 7/6/2012 21:26 - Denmark - Herning

Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML

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By Sunny - 12/9/2018 07:30 - United States - Milwaukee

Awkward...

Today, I went to this coffee shop in town that has a fire pit outdoors with my boyfriend. I threw out the idea of sitting by the fire together, and he responded by telling me that his father and dog died in a house fire when he was young. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

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By highlycontagious - 22/2/2009 09:45 - United States

Today, while walking through the fragrance area in a shopping center a women behind me asked; "Excuse me miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line." I'm a 19 year old male. I turned around expecting her to correct herself. She didn't. FML

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By Storm - 23/9/2011 03:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML

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By Saberwolf - 13/2/2011 21:14 - United States

Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML

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By Anonyname - 18/5/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

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By verbaltodomestic - 8/9/2013 19:31 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML

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By anonymous - 21/4/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

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Top comments

By SOCALME | 3

#1750964 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

You took the term "raise the roof" too literally...

By jakerb0b | 0

#1750973 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

i hate spiders

COMMENTS

By SOCALME | 3

#1750964 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

You took the term "raise the roof" too literally...

Lexisaurus | 6

#1751009 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:03

hahaha LMAO YDI op

cmac86 | 23

#1751112 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:26

at least op didn't sing "the roof is on fire".

rene22 | 18

#1751174 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:37

1 & 17 win for life

kiddoraelyn | 0

#1751325 - Thursday 25 November 2010 20:35

and then beetlejuice popped out.

0opsie | 6

#1751445 - Thursday 25 November 2010 21:25

Nothing wakes you up better than a face full of spiders.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1753197 - Friday 26 November 2010 5:37

Let them live on your face and do your bidding so that you can rule the world with your spider army

TechnoTaco | 0

#1754106 - Friday 26 November 2010 11:00

Good morning, lol.

By jakerb0b | 0

#1750973 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

i hate spiders

hotncool | 0

#1751502 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:07

I hate spiders too
as a matta of fact I'm terrified of em
been that way since I was little
no joke

metal8214 | 0

#1752743 - Friday 26 November 2010 2:59

no one cares lol

Zya_fml | 8

#1754083 - Friday 26 November 2010 10:45

Matta of fact? Really..?

Bubblerider | 3

#1763222 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:04

if that happened to me, I wouldn't even freak out, I would just die right away.

moomoo14 | 0

#2970436 - Monday 25 July 2011 8:38

saame they scare and disgust the friction crap outta mee

sirsquab | 12

#4101343 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 17:43

I'd freak the fuck out. In my panic, I'd probably sit up and smash my head on the ceiling too.

By tattieannecaldwe | 0

#1750975 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

hahahaha that blows.

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2106158 - Monday 21 February 2011 6:14

YES... YES IT DEF DOES!!

pedosmurf | 7

#4103905 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 4:05

At least you were energized to get away from the spiders :)

alfred_winklewof | 8

#6159865 - Thursday 1 January 2015 16:46

#3 your an asshole

By velvel | 7

#1750978 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

now the little birds can eat the tiny spiders! :)

ImJustMosh | 0

#1751477 - Thursday 25 November 2010 21:53

^win

By RawrBunneh | 0

#1750980 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

Good morning!! ;D

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1750999 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:02

Good morning to you.

nathan5 | 0

#1751027 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:07

Good evening

yuukicross_fml | 0

#1751258 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:57

I would smash

KingDingALing | 9

#1751312 - Thursday 25 November 2010 20:33

Good night bitches!

dicklover69 | 0

#1751554 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:36

RawrBunneh, you are a hottie

8trickster8 | 0

#1754750 - Friday 26 November 2010 15:01

This comment has not been moderated.

By danielleeycakes | 3

#1750982 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

that's grosssss. I hate spiders. D;

By joHnnycsU | 0

#1751006 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:03

You don't live in Australia by any chance?

By tdotgirl1 | 0

#1751011 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:04

why wont my comment post!!

tdotgirl1 | 0

#1751020 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:06

oh great -_-
As I was saying,why are you complaining OP,you just got free breakfast in bed.

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1751516 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:12

hey hey, Australias' awesome :)

By W4X | 0

#1751034 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:08

HULK MADDDD-OMFG SPIDERS!!!! lul

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1751045 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:09

nomnomnommm protein!

shawtieee | 0

#1751116 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:28

yuck!