Animals: Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping....

By Seline

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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Animals

Late term

Give it your best shot

Freak out

By erphy21 - United States - Lompoc

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I still have my ridiculous fear of being heard on the toilet, and I can't go if people are around. I'd just sat down on the toilet when three of my housemates started chatting immediately outside the door. I had to sit silently until they were gone. For half an hour. FML

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By single - United States

Today, I met up on a blind date. He took a phone call one drink in and said he had to leave because he didn't know it was his buddy's birthday, and they were having a party without him. I offered to split the bill and put out a $20. He got up, unlocked the bicycle behind us and rode off. FML

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By STOPattheSIGNbitch

Tonight, on Idiots in Cars…

Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML

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By Jill Shanks - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML

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By frozen solid - United States - Allentown

Today, I spent nearly half an hour clearing several inches of snow off my car. After almost suffering from hypothermia, I finished. Except the car keys were missing from my pocket, presumably buried under a foot of snow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. Once there, I realized I forgot my bike lock. For fear of it being stolen, I quickly rode home and took my car instead. When I got home, I realized my bike was missing. Someone stole it from my backyard. FML

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By nonexistant - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By Nile - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

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By crap - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By fihifgni210 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

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By notimpressed - United Kingdom

Today, a kid with severe Down's came into my workplace, as he does every day. He's has an obsession with me, sitting at a table, staring and taking photos of me all day. His parents have no problem with this, because they think it's a miracle that he can focus so much attention on me for so long. FML

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By justawallflower - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, I saw on my 17-year-old daughter's floor her "To-Do" list. What was #1? Jump in front of a moving vehicle, in hopes that Edward Cullen will use his vampire speed to save her. FML

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By Kathryn - Belgium

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident. One of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "asshole" afterwards. FML

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By doubledown - United States

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

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By facepalm - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Maoism intensifies

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

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By AndI'veHadChildren - United States

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

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By a - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By selfdefense - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

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By dom - United States

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

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By UnfortunatelySingle - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By crazybitch - Canada - Okotoks

Not a morning person

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 14:05

Pushover

Today, my in-laws invited themselves to stay at my house for a few days. They live out of state and have been self-quarantining for months. The reason for visiting? So they can throw a party for extended family at our house. Guess who'll end up doing all the work and clean up? FML

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By Dr. Jack - United States

Today, my airline lost my luggage when I flew back from France. They also lost my luggage when I flew to France. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

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By Rothaar - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

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By Anonymous

Vampire News

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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By proudparent - Canada

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML

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By srhoa01

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

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By doodlecrzyMeg - United States - Mattoon

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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By lowly worker

Today, I nearly lost a hand at work, because a supervisor decided to remove a 'useless' safety guard on a machine despite my warnings. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. I was a lifeguard and the other day a 30 year old man who only spoke spanish hit on me. I'm 16 and politely rejected him. He then went to the front desk and told them how I tried molesting him in the locker room. FML

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By sissica - United States

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

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Top comments

By SOCALME | 3

#1750964 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

You took the term "raise the roof" too literally...

By jakerb0b | 0

#1750973 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

i hate spiders

COMMENTS

By SOCALME | 3

#1750964 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

You took the term "raise the roof" too literally...

Lexisaurus | 6

#1751009 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:03

hahaha LMAO YDI op

cmac86 | 23

#1751112 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:26

at least op didn't sing "the roof is on fire".

rene22 | 18

#1751174 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:37

1 & 17 win for life

kiddoraelyn | 0

#1751325 - Thursday 25 November 2010 20:35

and then beetlejuice popped out.

0opsie | 6

#1751445 - Thursday 25 November 2010 21:25

Nothing wakes you up better than a face full of spiders.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1753197 - Friday 26 November 2010 5:37

Let them live on your face and do your bidding so that you can rule the world with your spider army

TechnoTaco | 0

#1754106 - Friday 26 November 2010 11:00

Good morning, lol.

By jakerb0b | 0

#1750973 - Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

i hate spiders

hotncool | 0

#1751502 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:07

I hate spiders too
as a matta of fact I'm terrified of em
been that way since I was little
no joke

metal8214 | 0

#1752743 - Friday 26 November 2010 2:59

no one cares lol

Zya_fml | 8

#1754083 - Friday 26 November 2010 10:45

Matta of fact? Really..?

Bubblerider | 3

#1763222 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:04

if that happened to me, I wouldn't even freak out, I would just die right away.

moomoo14 | 0

#2970436 - Monday 25 July 2011 8:38

saame they scare and disgust the friction crap outta mee

sirsquab | 12

#4101343 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 17:43

I'd freak the fuck out. In my panic, I'd probably sit up and smash my head on the ceiling too.

By tattieannecaldwe | 0

#1750975 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

hahahaha that blows.

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2106158 - Monday 21 February 2011 6:14

YES... YES IT DEF DOES!!

pedosmurf | 7

#4103905 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 4:05

At least you were energized to get away from the spiders :)

alfred_winklewof | 8

#6159865 - Thursday 1 January 2015 16:46

#3 your an asshole

By velvel | 7

#1750978 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

now the little birds can eat the tiny spiders! :)

ImJustMosh | 0

#1751477 - Thursday 25 November 2010 21:53

^win

By RawrBunneh | 0

#1750980 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

Good morning!! ;D

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1750999 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:02

Good morning to you.

nathan5 | 0

#1751027 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:07

Good evening

yuukicross_fml | 0

#1751258 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:57

I would smash

KingDingALing | 9

#1751312 - Thursday 25 November 2010 20:33

Good night bitches!

dicklover69 | 0

#1751554 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:36

RawrBunneh, you are a hottie

8trickster8 | 0

#1754750 - Friday 26 November 2010 15:01

This comment has not been moderated.

By danielleeycakes | 3

#1750982 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

that's grosssss. I hate spiders. D;

By joHnnycsU | 0

#1751006 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:03

You don't live in Australia by any chance?

By tdotgirl1 | 0

#1751011 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:04

why wont my comment post!!

tdotgirl1 | 0

#1751020 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:06

oh great -_-
As I was saying,why are you complaining OP,you just got free breakfast in bed.

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1751516 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:12

hey hey, Australias' awesome :)

By W4X | 0

#1751034 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:08

HULK MADDDD-OMFG SPIDERS!!!! lul

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1751045 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:09

nomnomnommm protein!

shawtieee | 0

#1751116 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:28

yuck!