Animals: Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping....

25/11/2010 14:48

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 511

You deserved it 4 296

Animals

Stop talking!

Thanks, government

Fake it til you make it

24/01/2012 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 701

You deserved it 2 949

02/04/2012 05:01 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 804

You deserved it 2 391

29/09/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was on a tram and I noticed an older lady having trouble getting down the stairs. I immediately got up to help her, dropping my bag on the seat accidentally. As I went to get back on the tram, the doors closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 702

You deserved it 5 552

02/05/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 290

You deserved it 6 438

Tunnel vision

By what. - 04/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 887

You deserved it 183

23/01/2013 00:29 - United States - Pasadena

Today, at work at a car dealership, a seemingly overzealous customer shook my hand vigorously after we finalized a deal. I didn't think anything of it until a coworker pointed out that he was just trying to make my breasts jiggle. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 646

You deserved it 6 240

11/02/2012 19:10 - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 356

You deserved it 23 293

04/01/2012 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 421

You deserved it 3 036

31/05/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 743

You deserved it 50 667

Unwanted

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 23:01

Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 250

You deserved it 110

24/12/2016 12:08

Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 308

You deserved it 703

05/08/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 519

You deserved it 8 486

Sue! SUE!

By homelessagain - 18/02/2017 06:00 - United States - Lorain

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 699

You deserved it 413

16/07/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 529

You deserved it 9 100

Stay at home

By allidoiswrkwrkwrknomttrwht - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out my request to have off on Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years was denied, because I work the evening shift every year on Thanksgiving and that's convenient for everyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 619

You deserved it 800

11/06/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I loved her. I tried to be cute and romantic and responded with a quote from the Notebook, which I watched with her yesterday. After I said, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," she broke up with me because I was "phony and unoriginal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 666

You deserved it 10 259

28/02/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 496

You deserved it 36 881

20/08/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 574

You deserved it 213

We hear ya

By Diana - 25/10/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, I found out that falling asleep with a bobby pin in your hair means waking up with one jammed in your ear drum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 501

You deserved it 366

No kinkshaming here

By Anonymous - 27/04/2021 11:00

Today, my hotel room key wouldn't open my door. Maintenance had to come let me in. My giant dildo was out on the table. I'm a 250-pound man, traveling alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 1 228

16/01/2012 03:30 - United States

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 670

You deserved it 7 469

27/06/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 792

You deserved it 4 042

21/10/2014 20:13 - United States - Leavenworth

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 913

You deserved it 4 107

01/01/2019 04:00

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 511

You deserved it 742

05/02/2010 03:12 - France

Today, I was at a school rally I was talking to my friends when I noticed the entire gym had gotten quiet. Not knowing why I thought it would be funny to yell out "it's too quiet!" apparently it was a moment of silence for a teacher that had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 909

You deserved it 70 100

Stable genius

By Anonymous - 26/09/2020 02:02 - United States - New York

Today, I went on a short date with a new girl in the office, who everyone thought was a tad bit odd. Also today, she showed me the names of our future children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 205

17/07/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 774

You deserved it 6 710

13/10/2010 13:20 - Spain

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 737

You deserved it 23 170

Thanks, Marley

By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 08:08

Today, I made sure my puppy went number 1 and 2 before taking them into a pet-friendly store. In the store, two ladies awed at my puppy, but as I picked him up I didn't notice he'd shat on the floor until they pointed it out, giving me a dirty look. Other customers glared as I picked up his smeared shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 224

14/04/2012 19:27 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 347

You deserved it 2 230

30/05/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 024

You deserved it 6 341

21/09/2011 13:17 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 624

You deserved it 6 178

30/12/2009 01:29 - Brazil

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 873

You deserved it 24 209

17/05/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 124

You deserved it 69 061

09/10/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was refereeing a kid's soccer game, and noticed that on the field next to me was a referee I hated working with. I told the other referee I was working with that he was the laziest and most dumbass referee I had ever worked with. She then slapped me, and told me that it was her grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 602

You deserved it 41 924

24/12/2016 05:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 300

You deserved it 419

24/11/2010 10:55

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 243

You deserved it 8 650

17/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 762

You deserved it 7 326

17/06/2013 19:56 - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 337

You deserved it 7 545

14/08/2015 23:38 - United States - Boulder

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 789

You deserved it 1 769

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Top comments

SOCALME 3

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Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

You took the term "raise the roof" too literally...

jakerb0b 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

i hate spiders

SOCALME 3

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Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

You took the term "raise the roof" too literally...

Lexisaurus 6

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:03

hahaha LMAO YDI op

cmac86 23

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:26

at least op didn't sing "the roof is on fire".

rene22 18

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:37

1 & 17 win for life

kiddoraelyn 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 20:35

and then beetlejuice popped out.

0opsie 6

Thursday 25 November 2010 21:25

Nothing wakes you up better than a face full of spiders.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Friday 26 November 2010 5:37

Let them live on your face and do your bidding so that you can rule the world with your spider army

TechnoTaco 0

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Friday 26 November 2010 11:00

Good morning, lol.

jakerb0b 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 18:59

i hate spiders

hotncool 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 22:07

I hate spiders too as a matta of fact I'm terrified of em been that way since I was little no joke

metal8214 0

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Friday 26 November 2010 2:59

no one cares lol

Zya_fml 8

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Friday 26 November 2010 10:45

Matta of fact? Really..?

Bubblerider 3

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Sunday 28 November 2010 11:04

if that happened to me, I wouldn't even freak out, I would just die right away.

moomoo14 0

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Monday 25 July 2011 8:38

saame they scare and disgust the friction crap outta mee

sirsquab 12

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 17:43

I'd freak the fuck out. In my panic, I'd probably sit up and smash my head on the ceiling too.

tattieannecaldwe 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

hahahaha that blows.

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Monday 21 February 2011 6:14

YES... YES IT DEF DOES!!

pedosmurf 7

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 4:05

At least you were energized to get away from the spiders :)

alfred_winklewof 8

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Thursday 1 January 2015 16:46

#3 your an asshole

velvel 7

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

now the little birds can eat the tiny spiders! :)

ImJustMosh 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 21:53

^win

RawrBunneh 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

Good morning!! ;D

Skroal_stomper 5

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:02

Good morning to you.

nathan5 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:07

Good evening

yuukicross_fml 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:57

I would smash

KingDingALing 9

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Thursday 25 November 2010 20:33

Good night bitches!

dicklover69 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 22:36

RawrBunneh, you are a hottie

8trickster8 0

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Friday 26 November 2010 15:01

This comment has not been moderated.

danielleeycakes 3

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:00

that's grosssss. I hate spiders. D;

joHnnycsU 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:03

You don't live in Australia by any chance?

tdotgirl1 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:04

why wont my comment post!!

tdotgirl1 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:06

oh great -_- As I was saying,why are you complaining OP,you just got free breakfast in bed.

maphineRAWRS 10

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Thursday 25 November 2010 22:12

hey hey, Australias' awesome :)

W4X 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:08

HULK MADDDD-OMFG SPIDERS!!!! lul

allmidnighteyes 10

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:09

nomnomnommm protein!

shawtieee 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:28

yuck!

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 4

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 59

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 149

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