Health: Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced....

By thacupcakeassassin - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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Health

Walk on the wild side

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

The ole answer/forward conundrum

By ER Birthday

Unhappy Birthday

Today, I got home from the hospital. Yesterday was my birthday, and I got a piece of steak caught in my lower esophagus, resulting in a trip to the ER and an overnight stay so they could put me under and fish it out. I’m not allowed meat for a month while they find out what caused it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going through my mom's old yearbook. There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother's crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. I am deeply scarred forever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

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4765

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By Dkim620 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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By ouch! - 22/8/2020 08:02

Innocent

Today, I was playfully chasing my daughter along the waterline at the beach when the biggest, buffest, lifeguard I’d ever seen full-on NFL-style tackled me. Apparently I "looked like a creep" chasing a young girl. My ribs hurt like the devil and my daughter won’t stop crying. FML

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By Lena - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad spent 30 minutes incorrectly correcting me about our legal system. He thinks he knows more than me because he's been divorced twice. I'm a lawyer. FML

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By bitchyhiccups - United States - Tempe

Hush

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

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By craphanded - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

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By abi_vet_student - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

The Terror

Today, it's my first day off in over two months. My colleagues disagree - they won't stop calling me. I'm not allowed to turn my phone off. FML

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1502

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 04:58

Impressive

Today, a small fly was harassing my face, then it landed on a book next to me. I waved at it to make it leave, but it didn't. I got my fingers closer to it, to scare it off. Instead, it jumped on my finger as a playful parrot pet, spent a moment there, and flew off. I cannot even intimidate a fly. FML

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586

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 02:01

Unhappy Birthday

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

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By ash203 - United States

Not cool

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss's 13-year-old son. FML

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8269

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By neverhealthy

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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1179

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By gpistas - United States

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

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39713

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By Ari

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

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By poo_shoe123 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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36556

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By 43_clothespins_later - United States - Richmond

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

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By AshlynnPrime - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

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41597

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

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47198

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By RAS266

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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4447

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

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By broooooock - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

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By are you kidding me? - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

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48425

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By terrified - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

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29151

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By OnCompanyTimeToo - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

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By whattheactualfuck - South Africa - Durban

Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML

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22718

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By ForgottenKid - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

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By Greenskies - France - Corneilla-del-vercol

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

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23406

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2021 17:01 - Sweden - G?teborg

PS I Love You

Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML

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546

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By ksgirl - United States

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

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48088

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By RAZR MeowMix - 30/1/2021 21:30

Kids these days…

Today, my youngest started playing Fortnite. My oldest has been playing competitively for a couple of years. My youngest is now addicted and needs a new computer to run it at max settings. I hate Fortnite. FML

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614

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By Kalaina - France

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

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37434

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By I need a new ballsack. - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

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By maggie2014 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

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Top comments

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6688597 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream.

*waits for down votes*

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6688598 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

COMMENTS

By Ilovemysphynx | 19

#6688592 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:49

Boogers > sex.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6688595 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That, too, can be a very satisfying feeling according to your brain. Who am I to judge?

By igottapee | 27

#6688596 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

hope you washed your hands in your dream

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6688597 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream.

*waits for down votes*

MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6688658 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:44

How ironic, you're waiting for something that you won't get a lot of!

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6688760 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 17:53

Looks like you're picking up the slack, 13

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6688598 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

By manuwish | 9

#6688602 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:14

plot twist..what you dreamt was a booger turned out to be your 4 D matrix breathing tube..now is your chance to escape the pod during repairs..XP haha

flyingflies | 36

#6688660 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:46

You tried too hard, dude.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6688782 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 18:18

Well thanks for giving Mnight Shyamalan his next movie idea...

By soodytheboi | 23

#6688604 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:22

Pulling boogers out of your nose is like finishing your math homework. It's all done and there's nothing more to get, and once you get there, you feel satisfied.

By teenageboy | 7

#6688616 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:05

Whats the problem here?

By RichardPencil | 29

#6688628 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:42

A booger that required two hands to harvest? You need to put that thing in the Smithsonian next to the Hope Diamond!

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6688629 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:56

I've had that dream before. The end result is a gloriously putrid minty green.