Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced....

By thacupcakeassassin - 13/9/2016 05:51 - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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Health

Work name

Cold-blooded old times

Age ain't nothing but a number

By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 19:26

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

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By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By neverunderstood - 2/12/2016 12:39 - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2017 16:00

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

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By sicksicksick - 19/6/2013 17:23 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By higagram - 10/9/2010 03:15 - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found my 5-year-old son prancing around in high heels and cat ears, wearing a thong as a necklace, and waving a riding crop around like a sword. He'd found the box where granny keeps her special outfits that make granddad extra happy on Friday nights. FML

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By Lonely School Kid - 30/7/2015 22:35 - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By NoSacredSpace - 19/5/2018 05:00

Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML

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By Jimmy - 2/8/2019 12:00 - Australia

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a skinhead sucker-punched me in the gut, grabbed my football, and ran away, giggling like a maniac. FML

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By sickandtiredofit - 24/1/2012 19:50 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML

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By Crazy Cat Guy - 9/1/2015 06:44 - United States - Fremont

Today, I was sitting at my computer, petting one of my cats, who was sitting on my lap. My other cat got jealous and tried to climb onto my lap as well. They ended up fighting. I was wearing shorts. FML

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By leela - 25/5/2013 22:13 - United States

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

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By Tank - 16/7/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

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By Disappointed - 9/3/2019 18:00

Today, my brother came up with what he thought was a genius idea for how to make money. I then had to explain to him that insurance fraud is illegal. FML

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By lalibear - 3/5/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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By booty backfire - 1/5/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

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By Mito - 10/9/2017 23:15

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

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By catguy - 19/8/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 16:50 - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, after recently breaking up with my boyfriend, I unknowingly washed my laundry using his washing tabs. My whole wardrobe now smells like my ex. FML

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By Menareidiots - 24/2/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 17:20 - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

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By WhatALetdown - 25/11/2015 00:26 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML

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By Tabby - 6/8/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

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By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By Need Help - 5/10/2017 16:30 - United States - Victorville

Today, my grandma went for a walk after being told that she has a bad heart and a fall could be fatal. She fell, fracturing both wrists, and is now in casts and can't do anything herself. Turned out it was only fatal to my college semester. FML

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By booboo300 - 22/12/2018 02:00

Today, I picked up my gardisal 9 hpv update shot that my doctor prescribed and discovered that not only do I need three of them, they are $200 a piece. The guy I was dating that was the reason I needed the booster broke up with me on Friday. FML

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By rained - 2/2/2009 05:44 - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By teach - 5/2/2009 00:40 - Canada

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

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By noname - 27/4/2012 12:04 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

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By foreveralone - 23/6/2013 14:42 - United States

Today, it was the second anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend. I had to go to work, but I set an engagement ring and a letter on my pillow for when she woke up, and left breakfast for her on the counter. When I got home, she and all of her things were gone. FML

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By Anon - 12/1/2012 13:34 - Australia

Today, I actually took pleasure in sniffing my armpits after 2 days of not showering. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

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By ckatia - 30/8/2016 09:29 - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By rhiannakirwan - 17/4/2016 18:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

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By inosehowthatgotthere - 10/2/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

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By luh8r - 9/4/2009 14:38 - Canada

Today, while teaching swimming to a bunch of five year olds, one particularly bratty girl decided she didn't want to swim and lead the entire class to strike, leaving the pool empty and me without a job. Apparently I was teaching the next world tyrant to swim. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 23:45

Only tighty whities

Today, my brother aged 12 years old tried doing laundry for the first time and ruined all my clothes with bleach. When my dad drove him to Walmart to buy replacement clothes for me, he bought me tighty whities. We both have worn boxers our whole lives. My dad won't return them. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 14:52 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I decided to face one of my fears. I've never had a birthday party, out of fear that nobody would come. I sent out a mass text inviting people out for my birthday, trying to sound casual. The only replies I received were along the lines of "Who the hell's this?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:27 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

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Top comments

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6688597 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream.

*waits for down votes*

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6688598 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

Comments

By Ilovemysphynx | 19

#6688592 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:49

Boogers > sex.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6688595 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That, too, can be a very satisfying feeling according to your brain. Who am I to judge?

By igottapee | 27

#6688596 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

hope you washed your hands in your dream

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6688597 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream.

*waits for down votes*

MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6688658 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:44

How ironic, you're waiting for something that you won't get a lot of!

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6688760 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 17:53

Looks like you're picking up the slack, 13

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6688598 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

By manuwish | 9

#6688602 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:14

plot twist..what you dreamt was a booger turned out to be your 4 D matrix breathing tube..now is your chance to escape the pod during repairs..XP haha

flyingflies | 36

#6688660 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:46

You tried too hard, dude.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6688782 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 18:18

Well thanks for giving Mnight Shyamalan his next movie idea...

By soodytheboi | 23

#6688604 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:22

Pulling boogers out of your nose is like finishing your math homework. It's all done and there's nothing more to get, and once you get there, you feel satisfied.

By teenageboy | 7

#6688616 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:05

Whats the problem here?

By RichardPencil | 28

#6688628 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:42

A booger that required two hands to harvest? You need to put that thing in the Smithsonian next to the Hope Diamond!

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6688629 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:56

I've had that dream before. The end result is a gloriously putrid minty green.