Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced....

By thacupcakeassassin - 13/9/2016 05:51 - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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Health

Time for the ER

All for nothing

Keep the peace

By Jehovah God - 7/3/2014 18:51 - United States - Richmond

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, a drunk guy limped in front of my car, unzipped, and started pissing on my windshield. FML

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By honey soy - 29/1/2012 06:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By yessssir - 9/3/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

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By unbelievable - 3/6/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 22:20 - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I went to my first day of work in over 2 years. As I approached the boss, he asked me what my name was. Turned out they hired the wrong person. FML

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By thatonegirl.SBS. - 29/9/2012 05:38 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

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By :,< - 17/9/2012 17:16 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By Rob - 1/12/2009 06:57 - United States

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

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By ScoozieBooze - 20/12/2012 18:17 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

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By midwify - 5/1/2015 17:58 - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

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By Van - 20/12/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 05:00

Issues

Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - 19/4/2016 10:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 18:04 - Canada

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

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By dancingqueef - 22/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Kingston

Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML

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By Ugh - 15/2/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, after struggling for hours to fall asleep with my husbands rather rattling snoring, I finally managed it... only to be rudely awakened an hour later by my husband elbowing me in the face in his sleep. FML

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By notnicefools - 29/5/2012 02:51 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to visit my husband's grave. I was unable to mourn in peace because some teenagers were smoking pot and talking about a government conspiracy "to change the way gravity works" on the next grave over. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2014 18:46 - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By Guntherdog - 27/6/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By lights on forever - 2/8/2013 20:57 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

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By SmokedSalmon - 13/2/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

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By daughter - 18/9/2012 04:25 - Sweden - V?rg?rda

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

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By - 1/12/2019 20:00

Picture game

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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By Marcilor001 - 10/8/2018 20:30

Oops.

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

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By puggles - 3/1/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

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By FakeID - 6/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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By otherdad? - 30/3/2018 19:00

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

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By shiftybizniss - 16/4/2009 18:43 - Canada

Today, I tried to sneak up on my girlfriend who was sitting in her car with one of her girlfriends. I snuck up to the driver's side window and tried to startle her by banging on the window. The window was down. My thumb went right in her eye. She has to wear a patch for 2 weeks. FML

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By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

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By littl3storm - 13/10/2018 12:00

Today, I was trying on bras in a shop when a little kid stuck their head under my stall. I was completely topless and completely surprised when they asked if I was their mommy. I'm 16. FML

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By Haitwun - 14/12/2015 07:29 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

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By ... - 2/10/2012 20:55 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I fell down the stairs and landed heavily on my foot. Because I wasn't crying, my mom refused to take me to the hospital. It took me an hour of agony to convince her. It turned out to be broken in three different places. FML

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By Zeco - 5/2/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML

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By Dry - 18/3/2017 16:00

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

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By singlelady - 26/1/2016 22:24 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML

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Top comments

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6688597 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream.

*waits for down votes*

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6688598 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

COMMENTS

By Ilovemysphynx | 19

#6688592 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:49

Boogers > sex.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6688595 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That, too, can be a very satisfying feeling according to your brain. Who am I to judge?

By igottapee | 27

#6688596 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

hope you washed your hands in your dream

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6688597 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream.

*waits for down votes*

MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6688658 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:44

How ironic, you're waiting for something that you won't get a lot of!

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6688760 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 17:53

Looks like you're picking up the slack, 13

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6688598 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

By manuwish | 9

#6688602 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:14

plot twist..what you dreamt was a booger turned out to be your 4 D matrix breathing tube..now is your chance to escape the pod during repairs..XP haha

flyingflies | 36

#6688660 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:46

You tried too hard, dude.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6688782 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 18:18

Well thanks for giving Mnight Shyamalan his next movie idea...

By soodytheboi | 23

#6688604 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:22

Pulling boogers out of your nose is like finishing your math homework. It's all done and there's nothing more to get, and once you get there, you feel satisfied.

By teenageboy | 7

#6688616 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:05

Whats the problem here?

By RichardPencil | 28

#6688628 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:42

A booger that required two hands to harvest? You need to put that thing in the Smithsonian next to the Hope Diamond!

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6688629 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 14:56

I've had that dream before. The end result is a gloriously putrid minty green.