Health: Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced....

By thacupcakeassassin - 13/09/2016 05:51 - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 784

You deserved it 1 630

Health

The smell detective is on the case

Compromises

I'm late… for business!

By ouchouchouch - 28/03/2012 04:16 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 435

You deserved it 9 008

By PangolinScholar - 25/01/2014 00:34 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 36 256

You deserved it 4 300

By MedStudent90 - 11/12/2014 18:10 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son got in trouble at school. The kids had to solve a problem by determining whether it was better for "Edna" to repair or replace her AC unit. He said Edna is an "old person's name" and she was "probably going to die soon anyway", so she shouldn't do either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 007

You deserved it 3 924

By InDeepBlue - 10/09/2019 06:00

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 399

By Anonymous - 08/10/2010 18:33 - Canada

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said "I'm just smart". She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 896

You deserved it 6 616

By snowbunny - 12/02/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 333

You deserved it 31 435

By Anonymous - 10/03/2012 14:20 - United States

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 005

You deserved it 5 873

By biscuit - 07/01/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 375

You deserved it 25 763

By BOHICA123 - 08/10/2013 02:08 - United States - Brighton

Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for 6 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 111

You deserved it 5 273

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 403

You deserved it 2 230

By lostlove - 01/10/2011 02:57 - United States

Today, I was trying to find my first message on Facebook. When I was reaching the bottom, I saw a message from my old crush. It contained a paragraph confessing her love for me and asking me to write back. Don't know how I missed that one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 053

You deserved it 7 767

By frenchy - 24/03/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124 711

You deserved it 9 135

By porcelainleigh - 23/11/2016 19:41 - United States

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 448

You deserved it 1 051

By Evolution mama - 05/02/2014 19:52 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 139

You deserved it 24 200

The things we do for family…

By taylor_b22 - 13/09/2021 11:01

Today, I agreed to spend the evening walking around an antique tractor show for my dad and sons, but I’m bleeding too much to stay out of the bathroom more than an hour. I’m violently ill from it, and I already have a bum knee and asthma, so I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 100

Happy…

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 307

You deserved it 3 534

By Poopamus - 23/04/2019 14:00

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 527

You deserved it 507

By Queso Dog - 02/10/2012 14:42 - Japan

Today, I went on a bad first date and the guy was more into it than me. I tried to scare him away by only speaking in robot voice, with robot arms. He thought it was adorable, and told me I reminded him of his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 210

You deserved it 28 508

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 15:23 - United States

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 718

You deserved it 37 652

By tammy - 15/08/2010 17:24 - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 676

You deserved it 4 273

By mistletoe - 09/12/2013 02:21 - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 832

You deserved it 5 175

Hang in there

By Anonymous - 02/01/2021 11:01

Today, my dad said he hates gay people. My parents don't know I'm gay. I'm a high school senior. I wish I could just have someone to love and to love me, I just feel so lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 590

You deserved it 2 100

By CurseYouSonyaLee - 12/11/2013 15:27 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 174

You deserved it 5 526

By grannygirlfriend - 06/12/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 234

You deserved it 5 065

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 2 540

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 15:08 - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 265

You deserved it 5 036

By Tom - 26/06/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 768

You deserved it 6 873

By LittleSprout - 21/03/2017 04:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 780

You deserved it 1 181

By CantBlink - 16/07/2012 18:25 - United States - Jersey City

Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 617

You deserved it 2 694

By Anonymous - 18/05/2012 19:19 - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 367

You deserved it 3 523

By fatty - 21/11/2012 06:20 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on Pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 520

You deserved it 18 746

By Anonymous - 23/08/2013 17:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 244

You deserved it 3 123

So you had a bad date…

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 14:00

Today, I got a wax to be sexy for my date, but the whole area came up in this nasty rash with bumps and white spots, nasty as hell. When I told him sex was off the table for a few days, he stopped being charming, spent most of the night on his phone then left early with a bad excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 192

By Anonymous - 31/08/2018 14:30

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 217

You deserved it 230

Funny, thanks

By picklebug - 26/07/2013 16:25 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 163

You deserved it 10 151

By pist - 13/05/2018 01:30

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 644

You deserved it 276

By Anonymous - 31/03/2013 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 167

You deserved it 2 795

Antiques Roadshow

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 02:00

Today, I made a mosaic for my grandma out of her old crockery, after I had finished it, I found out from a neighbour that some of the plates looked like Wedgewood. So I dug through the stuff that I didn't use. It turns out the original lot would have been worth about £2000. With the stuff left, I'd be lucky to get £100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 1 278

By unlucky_vee_13 - 23/02/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 104

You deserved it 5 018

Are you ready to ruuuuuumbbbbbble?

By Mr.Incognito-san - 19/11/2020 02:02

Today, I heard my sisters fighting downstairs, so I went down to see what all the commotion was about. As I entered the room, one of them picked me up and threw me at the other one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 1 183

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

FrozenMusic 26

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream. *waits for down votes*

YoloWhiteRSA 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

Ilovemysphynx 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:49

Boogers > sex.

ScratchCatPower 32

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That, too, can be a very satisfying feeling according to your brain. Who am I to judge?

igottapee 27

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

hope you washed your hands in your dream

FrozenMusic 26

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 12:54

That's snot a bad dream. *waits for down votes*

MessedUpLife00 13

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:44

How ironic, you're waiting for something that you won't get a lot of!

Hunter_the_Ninja 22

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 17:53

Looks like you're picking up the slack, 13

YoloWhiteRSA 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:00

I nose exactly how you feel.

manuwish 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:14

plot twist..what you dreamt was a booger turned out to be your 4 D matrix breathing tube..now is your chance to escape the pod during repairs..XP haha

flyingflies 36

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 15:46

You tried too hard, dude.

Lalala579121 27

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 18:18

Well thanks for giving Mnight Shyamalan his next movie idea...

soodytheboi 23

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2016 13:22

Pulling boogers out of your nose is like finishing your math homework. It's all done and there's nothing more to get, and once you get there, you feel satisfied.