Miscellaneous: Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade,... - FML

By Sigh - Australia

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

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By help - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was reading a newspaper at a bus stop when a creepy guy rested his chin on my shoulder and said, "I miss the good old days, when people would read newspapers together and it wasn't classed as weird." Then he walked away. FML

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By nikkei

Bullet = Dodged

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML

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By inapickle - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

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By Natalie - United States - Odessa

Today, my father, who's never played much part in my life, told me how proud he is of me. I choked back tears, and we hugged for the first time in years. Later, I choked back my rage when I saw he'd opened my mail and obviously planned on leeching my new-found SSI money off me. FML

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By no spank - 11/8/2020 20:01

The Breeders

Today, my family once again mocked and insulted me for being the only one to not spank my kids. Apparently, they’ll grow up entitled and in prison if I don’t. Odd, seeing as my kids are 10 times better behaved than their kids, who get spanked on a regular. Ah well, here’s to hitting kids I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Riga

Today, while giving a lecture on gender equality in the workplace, a woman yelled from the back, asking me why I'm not out starting a war somewhere. I stopped talking and tried to pinpoint her in the crowd, which she took as a sign to snort and call me a pussy. Nobody would back me up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my drunk neighbor informed me that if I don't keep my skunk out of his yard, he's going to call the cops. I live in town, and it's a wild skunk. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of 5 days proposed to me at the mall. FML

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By dumbblonde - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By galladore - United States - Bensenville

Today, my oldest friend got engaged to her loving boyfriend of one year. Meanwhile, I can't even get my boyfriend of more than four years to commit to a decision of what he wants for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss threw a party for everyone in the office who has a birthday in September. Everyone got a cake with their names on it except me. My birthday is today. FML

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By hatethatiloveyou - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

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By M - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

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By period_probs - United States - King George

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

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By RIP - United States - Dearborn

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

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By M3DO

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

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By toughbf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

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By baconandkittens - United States

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

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By Llamadroid - United States - Los Angeles

Today, out of my whole class, I received no awards. All my teachers thought that I would get plenty from the others. Now people think I'm stupid. I have a 3.66 GPA and they won't believe me. FML

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By FUCK GOD - Argentina - Salta

Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML

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By andrea99 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

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By The Seamstress - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

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By TLJ321

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

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By bent & broken - United States - Hot Springs Village

Today, I was lost on a dirt road when it started raining and I got stuck in the mud, so I walked 5 miles to a farm. They brought their tractor and pulled me out, but then my key broke off in the ignition. It's my birthday and I can't get home for the party my wife planned. FML

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By hairless by death - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML

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By CallmeEddie - United States - Joliet

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

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By BlazefireSaber - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By grammarnazi-forareason - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had the questionable honor of explaining the difference between "your" and "you're" to my boss, and very diplomatically make her see why her poor grasp of language could affect our credibility as a communication agency. I'm Swedish, and English is my third language. She's American. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for smiling and laughing too much. Last week, he reprimanded me for not smiling and laughing enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 11:01

Anyone there?

Today, I'm still waiting for my current job, which gaslit me in various ways for a year, to acknowledge my month's notice. My new job starts in 3 weeks. I'm genuinely not sure if my (ex) managers and HR are all on furlough, or if they're just fucking with me. FML

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By supertango500 - United States

Today, I figured I needed to clean my room. I ended up finding my $135 calculator that I'd accused my ex-boyfriend of selling for gas money. That's also the reason I dumped him. FML

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By wheezy - United States

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML

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Top comments

By netbeui435 | 3

#561143 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:20

the holier than thou ones are the worst.

By evangldbrg | 0

#561101 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

My family was pretty much the same, but with my mom and dad roles switched with yours. FYL, and be lucky you're out of the house...unfortunately I'm not, but should only be a few months before I am

COMMENTS

By jBird_fml | 0

#561094 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

Fucking hell. Go home and fuck your boyfriend in the arse. It's what I do quite frequently.

Reply

xoerica9 | 0

#561100 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

oh wow, your mother must be so proud.
ANYWAYS,
I love this FML! =D

Reply

psyx | 0

#561809 - Monday 14 September 2009 2:30

Agreed. I love this FML - it's one of the few that actually made me laugh.

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#1126191 - Friday 23 July 2010 1:13

lol I'd pray for god to strike him down with a bolt of lightning. :D

Reply

BloodRedSpark | 9

#4780464 - Monday 6 August 2012 19:12

I'm guessing this is a male user, trying to tell us something.

Reply

BloodRedSpark | 9

#4780467 - Monday 6 August 2012 19:12

I'm guessing this is a male user, trying to tell us something.

By Mihir | 1

#561095 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

WTF?!

By shinybluedollar | 3

#561099 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

So sorry your parents are so frickin' CRAZY!!!

Reply

jBird_fml | 0

#561122 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:15

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1849484 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:31

Epitome of sadness.

Reply

stangfreak1984 | 0

#2328921 - Monday 11 April 2011 7:38

shineybluedollar is hot

By evangldbrg | 0

#561101 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

My family was pretty much the same, but with my mom and dad roles switched with yours. FYL, and be lucky you're out of the house...unfortunately I'm not, but should only be a few months before I am

By Pirater666 | 0

#561134 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:19

haha. this is why i think religion is stupid. that and a lot of other reasons.

Reply

Dango_fml | 0

#561622 - Monday 14 September 2009 0:51

ignore this, replied to wrong comment

Reply

Maximus_Axiom | 7

#3003625 - Saturday 30 July 2011 20:07

yes religion is fairytails and messes up everything wars have been fought over religion for centuries

By sublime93 | 0

#561136 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:19

Doesn't sound so bad..

By netbeui435 | 3

#561143 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:20

the holier than thou ones are the worst.

By Kira_fml | 0

#561156 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:25

ROFL. Should've eaten his god, by which I mean the spaghetti. Mhhmmm.

Reply

no0000ob | 0

#561406 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:49

wtf are u talkin about
u stupid bag of shit

By graciedacie | 0

#561167 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:34

Whaaaaaaaaaat?

By someguy945 | 0

#561176 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:39

No offense to the OP but you sound kinda heretical.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#561275 - Sunday 13 September 2009 21:28

same here, who the hell approved this one?

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#561732 - Monday 14 September 2009 1:42

rotfl
ohh mann....I want to reply to like half the comments on this FML. I love the humor on this site

but yeahh this is a sorta pointless post. kinda funny but then you leave me feeling like wheres the conflict in your life? at least you're out of there