Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade,... - FML

By Sigh - 13/9/2009 12:42 - Australia

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

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Proactive

Understandable

Banished

By ihatemakingnames - 5/3/2013 00:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2017 05:00

Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers thought I had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML

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By joanikens - 26/3/2016 19:02 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I'm a barista at Starbucks. When my crush walked in and asked how much his coffee would cost, I said a date. He said he'd rather pay for the coffee. FML

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By anonymous - 21/5/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

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By how the fuck did this happen?! - 11/9/2018 04:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

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By dodgerkiss - 10/6/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to a Dodger game with my crush. Between innings, the "Kiss cam" came up on the big screen. The camera happened to land on us, and when my crush saw us on the screen, he leaned away from me and buried his face in his hands. Everyone saw, and sympathetically said "Awww." FML

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By clueless - 19/5/2014 17:15 - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

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By still poor - 5/12/2014 06:17 - United States - Carlisle

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 21:39 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually claimed that his cheating didn't count because A) the other girl is his lab partner, and B) she's overweight. FML

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By FriendZone - 3/3/2017 16:00 - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By ribx - 17/11/2016 11:24 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By Husband to be....maybe - 9/6/2018 09:00

Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML

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By crushed dreams - 16/6/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

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By Homeless - 14/7/2009 02:16 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My Boss' daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 06:37 - United States

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

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By madisonnkelly - 6/7/2015 03:18 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2009 08:21 - United States

Today, I went into my Moms room to look for a t-shirt. I went into her drawer and behind all of her clothes was a cell phone. Not only did I not find the t-shirt, I also found out my Mom is cheating on my Dad with someone from work and now I have to pretend like I don't know. I work there too. FML

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By keelah - 27/6/2014 21:57 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By mugged - 20/3/2011 20:29 - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By unicorn - 13/9/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

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By ticket - 6/10/2009 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a ticket for having my brights on. The street was pitch black and it was 1:30 in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By rangerluke - 25/2/2016 15:52 - United States

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

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By Ella - 29/5/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

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By drebel - 9/3/2011 22:27 - United States

Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML

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By reallythough - 13/4/2013 18:07 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

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By allergic - 21/10/2010 03:12 - France

Today, I found out that I have a gluten allergy. What this basically means is that I can't eat anything with wheat in it; bread, pasta, cake, you name it. I am Italian, this basically limits me from eating any of the awesome food my family makes almost every night. Here I come plain rice. FML

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By Kelsiiii - 11/3/2020 03:00

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

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By MisterMisinformed - 1/9/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By Wally - 8/5/2009 15:20 - Canada

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

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By kiwi - 13/2/2009 19:24 - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By exchange - 17/12/2009 05:00 - Ireland

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 10:04 - Australia - Brunswick

Today, I ran into a new guy at work who told me the regional manager was visiting today to evaluate the staff. I scoffed and said that everything I'd heard about the manager made him seem like a total prick. His reply? "Maybe, but I'm a prick who can FIRE people." FML

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By chassezlenaturel - 24/3/2015 12:58 - Belgium

Today, my husband used the vacuum cleaner. Proud of him for this first-ever initiative, I congratulated him. His second initiative was to stick the nozzle on my ass, yelling, "Liposuction!" FML

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By Dockin - 14/2/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By iltdtsm - 15/8/2009 16:58 - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

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By Lissa - 10/9/2019 20:00

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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Top comments

By netbeui435 | 3

#561143 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:20

the holier than thou ones are the worst.

By evangldbrg | 0

#561101 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

My family was pretty much the same, but with my mom and dad roles switched with yours. FYL, and be lucky you're out of the house...unfortunately I'm not, but should only be a few months before I am

COMMENTS

By jBird_fml | 0

#561094 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

Fucking hell. Go home and fuck your boyfriend in the arse. It's what I do quite frequently.

Reply

xoerica9 | 0

#561100 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

oh wow, your mother must be so proud.
ANYWAYS,
I love this FML! =D

Reply

psyx | 0

#561809 - Monday 14 September 2009 2:30

Agreed. I love this FML - it's one of the few that actually made me laugh.

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#1126191 - Friday 23 July 2010 1:13

lol I'd pray for god to strike him down with a bolt of lightning. :D

Reply

BloodRedSpark | 9

#4780464 - Monday 6 August 2012 19:12

I'm guessing this is a male user, trying to tell us something.

Reply

BloodRedSpark | 9

#4780467 - Monday 6 August 2012 19:12

I'm guessing this is a male user, trying to tell us something.

By Mihir | 1

#561095 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

WTF?!

By shinybluedollar | 3

#561099 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

So sorry your parents are so frickin' CRAZY!!!

Reply

jBird_fml | 0

#561122 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:15

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1849484 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:31

Epitome of sadness.

Reply

stangfreak1984 | 0

#2328921 - Monday 11 April 2011 7:38

shineybluedollar is hot

By evangldbrg | 0

#561101 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

My family was pretty much the same, but with my mom and dad roles switched with yours. FYL, and be lucky you're out of the house...unfortunately I'm not, but should only be a few months before I am

By Pirater666 | 0

#561134 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:19

haha. this is why i think religion is stupid. that and a lot of other reasons.

Reply

Dango_fml | 0

#561622 - Monday 14 September 2009 0:51

ignore this, replied to wrong comment

Reply

Maximus_Axiom | 7

#3003625 - Saturday 30 July 2011 20:07

yes religion is fairytails and messes up everything wars have been fought over religion for centuries

By sublime93 | 0

#561136 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:19

Doesn't sound so bad..

By netbeui435 | 3

#561143 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:20

the holier than thou ones are the worst.

By Kira_fml | 0

#561156 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:25

ROFL. Should've eaten his god, by which I mean the spaghetti. Mhhmmm.

Reply

no0000ob | 0

#561406 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:49

wtf are u talkin about
u stupid bag of shit

By graciedacie | 0

#561167 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:34

Whaaaaaaaaaat?

By someguy945 | 0

#561176 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:39

No offense to the OP but you sound kinda heretical.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#561275 - Sunday 13 September 2009 21:28

same here, who the hell approved this one?

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#561732 - Monday 14 September 2009 1:42

rotfl
ohh mann....I want to reply to like half the comments on this FML. I love the humor on this site

but yeahh this is a sorta pointless post. kinda funny but then you leave me feeling like wheres the conflict in your life? at least you're out of there