Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade,... - FML

By Sigh - Australia

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

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Season finale

Dog whisperer

The View

By sad guy - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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By Olive - France

Today, and for the last two weeks I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

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By ktreens - Canada - Brandon

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

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By funkmylife69

Mr. Smooth

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberystwyth

Today, after waiting two weeks for an email with my online textbook access code, it still hadn't arrived in time for my quiz tomorrow, so I ended up spending most of my money on the expensive physical copy. Not long after I got back home, the email finally arrived. FML

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By ew - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

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By Screamslikeagirl - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, I was told by a man who had literally just gotten back from his mothers funeral to cheer up, I was depressing him. FML

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By Schmolly - United States

Today, I had a mental break down. Many things have been going completely wrong in my life, and I finally decided to let my boyfriend know about it. After about an hour of explaining and pouring my heart out, his response was "I think we were better off as friends." FML

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By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By ChubbyButt - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was at the doctor's for a regular check-up. When my appointment was over and I was about to walk out, she yelled across the room in front of everyone, "Oh and if you could lose some weight, that'd be great." FML

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By KPKallery - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By RIPmyhair

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

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By pandora - Israel - Palmahim

Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML

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By LittleSprout - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

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By addictedtofml - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Our House

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

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By straightasaneedle - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML

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By socreepedouticanteven - United States - Procious

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

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By PrintMaster - United States

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting it on when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

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By Itsbeen8years - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

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By asdfghjkl_12 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

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By so racist - 25/6/2020 02:02

No, of course she's not…

Today, my mother burst into tears when I told her I was engaged. They were not tears of joy, however. She was crying because although she insists she’s "not" racist, she was crying because none of her grandchildren would be "pure." My fiancé is black. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - College Park

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

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By carless - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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By breebree-0 - United States

Today, I sneezed while at the office. I felt snot shoot out, but I couldn't see anything on the tissue. I ignored it and went on with my day. When I went to the bathroom hours later, I noticed a huge wad of snot had dried onto the front of my shirt. No one told me about it. FML

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By hotmommy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

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By ldrik1 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, my friend was showing me pictures of her and her family. I told her to stop at one of the pictures. I started laughing my back off and said that she looked grotesque. She asked me if I was serious, I swore that I was. It was actually a picture of her sister, who died 1 year ago. FML

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By EmoToyBoy - 30/4/2020 14:00

Spiritual connection

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

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By ManchotDesAndes - France - Bezons

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

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By annoyed - United States - Houston

Today, my mother texted me that she was in labor. She never told me she was pregnant. Apparently she's engaged too. FML

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Top comments

By netbeui435 | 3

#561143 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:20

the holier than thou ones are the worst.

By evangldbrg | 0

#561101 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

My family was pretty much the same, but with my mom and dad roles switched with yours. FYL, and be lucky you're out of the house...unfortunately I'm not, but should only be a few months before I am

COMMENTS

By jBird_fml | 0

#561094 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

Fucking hell. Go home and fuck your boyfriend in the arse. It's what I do quite frequently.

Reply

xoerica9 | 0

#561100 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

oh wow, your mother must be so proud.
ANYWAYS,
I love this FML! =D

Reply

psyx | 0

#561809 - Monday 14 September 2009 2:30

Agreed. I love this FML - it's one of the few that actually made me laugh.

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#1126191 - Friday 23 July 2010 1:13

lol I'd pray for god to strike him down with a bolt of lightning. :D

Reply

BloodRedSpark | 9

#4780464 - Monday 6 August 2012 19:12

I'm guessing this is a male user, trying to tell us something.

Reply

BloodRedSpark | 9

#4780467 - Monday 6 August 2012 19:12

I'm guessing this is a male user, trying to tell us something.

By Mihir | 1

#561095 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

WTF?!

By shinybluedollar | 3

#561099 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

So sorry your parents are so frickin' CRAZY!!!

Reply

jBird_fml | 0

#561122 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:15

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1849484 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:31

Epitome of sadness.

Reply

stangfreak1984 | 0

#2328921 - Monday 11 April 2011 7:38

shineybluedollar is hot

By evangldbrg | 0

#561101 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

My family was pretty much the same, but with my mom and dad roles switched with yours. FYL, and be lucky you're out of the house...unfortunately I'm not, but should only be a few months before I am

By Pirater666 | 0

#561134 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:19

haha. this is why i think religion is stupid. that and a lot of other reasons.

Reply

Dango_fml | 0

#561622 - Monday 14 September 2009 0:51

ignore this, replied to wrong comment

Reply

Maximus_Axiom | 7

#3003625 - Saturday 30 July 2011 20:07

yes religion is fairytails and messes up everything wars have been fought over religion for centuries

By sublime93 | 0

#561136 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:19

Doesn't sound so bad..

By netbeui435 | 3

#561143 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:20

the holier than thou ones are the worst.

By Kira_fml | 0

#561156 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:25

ROFL. Should've eaten his god, by which I mean the spaghetti. Mhhmmm.

Reply

no0000ob | 0

#561406 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:49

wtf are u talkin about
u stupid bag of shit

By graciedacie | 0

#561167 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:34

Whaaaaaaaaaat?

By someguy945 | 0

#561176 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:39

No offense to the OP but you sound kinda heretical.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#561275 - Sunday 13 September 2009 21:28

same here, who the hell approved this one?

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#561732 - Monday 14 September 2009 1:42

rotfl
ohh mann....I want to reply to like half the comments on this FML. I love the humor on this site

but yeahh this is a sorta pointless post. kinda funny but then you leave me feeling like wheres the conflict in your life? at least you're out of there