Love and Health: Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard...

By Anonymous - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard there, and every time I got out of the water I saw her looking at me so I walked up to her and asked if everything was okay. She told me she thought I was going to drown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3235

You deserved it

447

Favorite

Love

Health

Instadrama

Harsh

Time's up

By confused_cashier - United States - Herndon

Today, while working as a cashier at a fast food restaurant, a customer asked me how many chicken nuggets were in our 6 count chicken nuggets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13191

You deserved it

1432

Favorite

By Not Again!

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1611

You deserved it

319

Favorite

By crosscountryfatigue

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2513

You deserved it

358

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 02:00

Unrequited and stuck

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1552

You deserved it

693

Favorite

By Just..why

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2278

You deserved it

183

Favorite

By wtfdad - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40116

You deserved it

4213

Favorite

By rummaging - United States - Bloomington

Today, my boyfriend found the box of photos I've been saving for my daughter. He was convinced I was pining over her father and emptied the box into the dumpster behind our apartment. I'm still not done digging through the garbage to find the photos from the day my daughter was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18011

You deserved it

1244

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35684

You deserved it

2644

Favorite

By plasticfantastic - United Kingdom

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52612

You deserved it

9598

Favorite

By ruffrider - United States

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37616

You deserved it

65186

Favorite

By mavstrr1764847 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years proposed to me in front of my entire family. He later confessed that it was part of a dare with his friends because, "There was no way you'd say yes." Guess who has to explain this to all my relatives? FML

I agree, your life sucks

45255

You deserved it

3624

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29819

You deserved it

2903

Favorite

By Dopeboyfresh71 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34864

You deserved it

3250

Favorite

By allergies - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24952

You deserved it

1775

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45224

You deserved it

5315

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24043

You deserved it

37388

Favorite

By myennechee - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43085

You deserved it

91756

Favorite

By thatsucks - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog the toilet before moving out and then didn't change the vacuum bag. He left several weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20795

You deserved it

1549

Favorite

By why - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3258

You deserved it

375

Favorite

By Anonymous - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37685

You deserved it

14299

Favorite

By Forever Alone

Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

14436

You deserved it

1359

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methanphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76144

You deserved it

3416

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24434

You deserved it

2136

Favorite

By DogStew

Pumped-up Tanks

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

594

You deserved it

1762

Favorite

By cmd102 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to see if he wanted to come over to my house. He said he couldn't because he was out of town. That would have be perfectly acceptable, if I hadn't called him on his house phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40310

You deserved it

3336

Favorite

By dez - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13461

You deserved it

1079

Favorite

By horny bastard - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10735

You deserved it

41693

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35499

You deserved it

4553

Favorite

By Username

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44968

You deserved it

6179

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Champlin

Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16630

You deserved it

29130

Favorite

By bullllllshittttt - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35310

You deserved it

6535

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1248

You deserved it

930

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Scared shitless

Today, I stayed after hours studying in the medical library. I was the only one left, and as I was leaving through the glass doors, I saw a person's reflection behind me. I screamed, jumped, fell into the doors, smashing my head. I'd actually seen the reflection of a medical demonstration dummy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34888

You deserved it

11952

Favorite

By BobbyHutchinson - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59743

You deserved it

2825

Favorite

By Walter_Sobchak7

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

I agree, your life sucks

4480

You deserved it

315

Favorite

By onlyme123

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1861

You deserved it

3641

Favorite

By varunet2004 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23425

You deserved it

4509

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28821

You deserved it

2077

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25519

You deserved it

2002

Favorite

By Ferniferousfern

Today, I sat down to use the bathroom after a long day of work. My toilet, however, had other plans, as a spontaneous, ear shattering crack flooded the entire bathroom, soaking the outer carpet and shorting out my bathroom scale. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1866

You deserved it

126

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By mt21mt | 15

#7548026 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 4:47

Awww, it sounds like she was there to do her job, and not there to fulfill your penthouse fantasies.

By bartsj1988 | 7

#7548003 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 2:51

Think on the bright side. If you were drowning, then she would have rescued you and gave you CPR. Then you'd wake up to a beautiful girl.

COMMENTS

By bartsj1988 | 7

#7548003 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 2:51

Think on the bright side. If you were drowning, then she would have rescued you and gave you CPR. Then you'd wake up to a beautiful girl.

Glowworm56 | 25

#7548005 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 2:52

Or you would have gotten rescued by the large hairy male lifeguard. Life is not always meant to be a romantic movie.

bartsj1988 | 7

#7548010 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 3:24

Well she was looking at him so she was ready to give him the P i mean CPR

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7548004 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 2:51

Aw, sounds like she was worried about you. Next time, bring a pair of floaties!

By mt21mt | 15

#7548026 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 4:47

Awww, it sounds like she was there to do her job, and not there to fulfill your penthouse fantasies.

By SpaceToast | 24

#7548038 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 5:48

Maybe she though that you were cute too, and made up an excuse out of embarrassment for getting caught.

By Cali | 54

#7548241 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 17:36

Cute AND professional!

By davecross | 11

#7548294 - Tuesday 3 October 2017 20:00

Do what that kid with the glasses did in that movie the sandlot. He pretended to drown and he got the female lifeguard give him mouth to mouth so he could kiss her

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7548425 - Wednesday 4 October 2017 2:31

At least she was honest...?

By Jasper Long | 2

#7549132 - Thursday 5 October 2017 20:06

"The lady whose job it is to keep an eye on people in the pool wasn't interested in me FML" damn man that's pathetic