Health: Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens...

By mcginnismr - 13/05/2016 22:57

Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 180

You deserved it 1 350

Health

Mother of the year

Vulture

Kids are gross

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

By MandiJo - 19/02/2021 11:01

Today, my fiancé/son’s father’s death anniversary is in a few days. I asked my closest friends if they’d hang with me so I could try and keep my mind off it, and so I wouldn’t be alone (my son will be with fiancé’s parents). They couldn’t be bothered and want to go away for the weekend instead. Without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 124

By Zack - 11/03/2009 18:57 - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 131

You deserved it 96 902

Bisexual!

By Anonymous - 25/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's phone titled "People's I've had sex with". There are also dates next to the notes which represented the day he had sex with them. Not only that it was NOT me who is the last person on the list, but I also realized that the last person on the list was my best friend. And he's a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 687

You deserved it 252

By are these people even HUMAN? - 01/08/2013 15:18 - United States - Bristol

Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 910

You deserved it 3 777

By Creeped_out_n_stuck - 05/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 387

You deserved it 3 700

By The_FN_Gunny - 29/10/2013 22:31 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was wearing a letterman jacket that had my school name and "Okinawa Japan" on the back. A high school kid walks up to me and says, "I can't forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor." I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 307

You deserved it 4 132

By airport - 10/05/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 723

You deserved it 9 193

By Anonymous - 10/01/2010 21:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 552

You deserved it 4 839

By motherdearest - 21/03/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 211

You deserved it 6 954

By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 249

You deserved it 5 240

By AlwaysAwkward - 03/03/2014 02:30 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 340

You deserved it 9 004

Cold

By Anonymous - 07/12/2021 22:59

Today, my dad justified leaving two of my three kids out of his will because they’re adopted and so not really his proper grandchildren, telling me I can’t seriously expect him to just give his money to people who aren’t real family members. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 157

You deserved it 188

Thanks guys

By daddy - 22/12/2008 05:43 - France

Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where were the police? They were 500 m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 554

You deserved it 2 216

By MaddyN - 08/07/2014 04:26 - United States - Forest Grove

Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 559

You deserved it 3 467

Thief

By Mommabear - 15/06/2018 01:30

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months-old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 031

You deserved it 231

By mypoolisstilldirty - 16/02/2012 16:26 - Australia

Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet, and my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 703

You deserved it 4 305

By LiveGuard - 28/03/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 834

You deserved it 22 253

By yen - 07/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 834

You deserved it 1 087

By amiliaroberts123 - 15/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Raphine

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 286

You deserved it 8 894

By Julie - 31/03/2009 01:43 - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 202

You deserved it 6 718

I hate Mondays

By Leaving Early Fail - 12/01/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 207

You deserved it 11 621

By Dirtbikesnowboard - 09/11/2016 19:00 - United States - Cedar City

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 526

You deserved it 638

By neverhavingkids - 21/01/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 484

You deserved it 5 045

By leaf hater - 17/11/2011 12:43 - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 899

You deserved it 2 359

By BeatenUpPup - 18/05/2009 12:22 - Canada

Today, my daughter and I were at a school carnival. At the face painting station, she sat down and asked for a kitty on her face. Next, she shoved me on a chair and whispered something into the lady's ear. I ended up with a 'black eye' by request of my own daughter. She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 155

You deserved it 5 779

By Sam - 04/05/2014 06:12 - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 613

You deserved it 5 202

F is for Family

By pissed - 12/10/2020 04:59

Today, I came home to find my husband’s disgusting pig of a sister let herself in while we were at work and decided to take a nap in our bed. Not only did she not ask to visit, she left a huge smelly period stain on my favorite sheets. No apology, no attempt to clean up. I didn’t give her a key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 71

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 23:00 - United States - Kennett Square

Today, I was at work, a grocery store, and my manager came up to me while I was on my lunch break. He told me that a customer said someone in the parking lot had been loitering around the cars. I went outside to investigate and saw a drunk man pooping on the front of a car. That car was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 354

You deserved it 1 256

By Mirroronthewall - 30/08/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom. As I looked in the mirror I spotted a zit on my forehead. Keeping my toothbrush in my mouth, I quickly lean in towards the mirror to pop the pimple meanwhile lodging my toothbrush down my throat. I temporarily can't talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 740

You deserved it 44 128

By Anonymous - 30/07/2019 12:07 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer asked me if I was English, because I was struggling to understand what he saying. I said yes. He then called me a liar, and said I must be "one of them Polish immigrants." Oh, and he also had a thick Scottish accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 136

By bear - 21/05/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 898

You deserved it 4 355

By inapickle - 16/05/2012 08:20 - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 753

You deserved it 3 908

By soisblueballsdickhead - 26/10/2014 14:25 - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 918

You deserved it 9 668

By story of my life. - 21/02/2009 14:33 - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 143

You deserved it 34 340

By synn - 24/02/2010 05:19 - Singapore

Today, I went for a job briefing, and after that was told to do some editing for them. When I asked the person whether I was paid for the day, she laughed and said no. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 504

You deserved it 3 083

Bad guy

By not the bad guy - 25/11/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, my ex is bad-mouthing me, saying I dumped her because she got fat. That’s not true. I left because she completely gave up on life, no matter how much I tried to help. Not only did I get her gym membership, I even paid out of pocket for a mental health professional. That’s not cheap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 271

By Anonymous - 16/03/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 580

You deserved it 16 816

By joy - 07/02/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 384

You deserved it 5 000

Be honest

By Anonymous - 22/11/2021 08:01

Today, I’m gay but I'm currently on a date with a woman, because when we met yesterday, I was slightly tipsy and thought she was a dude when I asked her out. Plus she said her name is Max, but in the sober light of today, I realised she’s a very tomboyish lady with no boobs. Help me somebody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 1 568

By Anonymous - 07/03/2018 09:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 781

You deserved it 272

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Top comments

science-teacher 15

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Saturday 14 May 2016 15:38

Did you feel the 'burn' from that insult?

Medieval_Unicorn 24

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Saturday 14 May 2016 16:02

The roast of OP, RIP your dignity :P But hey congrats on being healthy instead of promiscuous and diseased! You've certainly chosen the better of the two options

science-teacher 15

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Saturday 14 May 2016 15:38

Did you feel the 'burn' from that insult?

HoboMeth 33

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Saturday 14 May 2016 15:38

It's just a prank bro

AbeFrohman 10

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Saturday 14 May 2016 15:52

Funny doctor... Not.

laden_swallow09 34

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Saturday 14 May 2016 15:59

Doctor Mom is having none of your shenanigans.

Medieval_Unicorn 24

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Saturday 14 May 2016 16:02

The roast of OP, RIP your dignity :P But hey congrats on being healthy instead of promiscuous and diseased! You've certainly chosen the better of the two options

theoldman 22

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Saturday 14 May 2016 17:12

There's nothing wrong with "being promiscuous" as long as you are being safe about it. You can have sex and be healthy. I don't like the implication that if you have a lot of sex that you are diseased.

DarkSerebii 11

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Saturday 14 May 2016 19:55

You can be monogamous and still be diseased. Not everyone knows/discloses that they have an infection right off the bat, or they're too ashamed/assholish to admit it.

TheNewGuy03 28

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Saturday 14 May 2016 16:30

Well, to be fair, it's definitely better for you that you *aren't* known for your sexual exploits. Doctor Mom raised you right, it seems.

farmgirl98 14

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Saturday 14 May 2016 17:34

That is incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional. Fyl op

feven 32

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Saturday 14 May 2016 18:19

LOL. Your mom is a savage.

Ms_ValS 27

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Saturday 14 May 2016 18:21

I really don't understand how that would be a funny prank. What if she slapped you across the face as a knee jerk reaction? My parents sure would. Oh well. Maybe he knows you and your mother well enough to know how she'd react to hearing that about you.