Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said... - FML

By Crap - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said I had an abnormal amount of stool in me, and that I'd need to flush it out. I called my mom and told her what happened, to which she responded, "I always knew you were full of shit, I didn't need a doctor to tell me that." FML

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Mother of the year

Munchausen by proxy

You light up my life

By kayin - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

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By stillpoor - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By farts

Today, my brother who routinely marred my life by stealing from me, fighting me, and isolating me from my own family, made his hollow AA apology to me so he'll feel better. My parents employ him, bought his car and house, and pay his insurance. I've been in poverty. FML

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By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 08:08

Vicious

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

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By notsohot

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML

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By akvan - 30/10/2020 06:01 - Canada - Toronto

Sounds lovely

Today, my coworker, who keeps calling me Mexican even though she knows I'm not, is telling everyone that I act like a bitch to our boss, even though she's the one who is always contradicting and fighting with her, and I always try to keep everything professional. No other jobs are calling me back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when you chase a couple of squirrels off your porch for irritating your dogs, sometimes they chase you back. FML

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By apaterra - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

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By trembelwick - Canada

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

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By budda1368 - United States

Romance isn't dead

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

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By SaggyBoy135 - United States

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

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By julie24 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

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By localbarista - United States

Today, a customer threw his cup of coffee at me screaming that it wasn't hot enough. Well, maybe it wasn't hot enough for him, but it was sure hot enough to burn me. FML

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By lambeaster - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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By cperagui

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

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By IwishIwashigh

Today, I went to make cookies, the box said mix by hand so I literally used my hands. Not a fork or anything. My step-mom walked in and laughed at me. FML

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By "mysteryguy3039"

Today, my girlfriend gave me a two weeks' notice for our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By ken - Canada

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

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By preggers - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

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By Proof-Reader - United States

Nice try

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML

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By We're still popping them - United States - Fremont

Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2021 11:29 - India - Bangalore

Simping

Today, my girlfriend moved to Germany for her Master's degree and perhaps a PhD. I'm still stuck in this third world mess which we call India. I simped for her and agreed that she can have non-serious relationships with other men. I'm so broken. FML

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By heatherjo - United States

Today, my fiancé decided he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

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By lolk - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

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By yayaimannoying - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By trippy

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out this girl I've been spending a lot of time with lately. She told me she was only hanging out with me because she thought I was gay and wouldn't try to get in her pants. FML

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By Percy

Today, the phrase "To share everything with one's friends" took a pretty unexpected meaning when a friend of mine asked me for a date. When I told him how unlikely it was to happen because of my friendship with his girlfriend, he answered that it was no excuse as she fell in love with me too. FML

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Top comments

By IllegalLight | 0

#804506 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:09

zing!

By intensitive | 11

#804510 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:15

One word: Fiber.

COMMENTS

By waterynuggets | 0

#804505 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:09

Mom win. Though I've never heard of anyone having an "abnormal" amount of stool in them..

Reply

lettertjes | 0

#804529 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:26

Well usually, the 'abnormal' word isn't used by doctors. But it happens pretty regularly that people are so constipated that it gives them cramps.

And indeed: mom win.

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#804550 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:40

True, I actually didn't even think of constipation. D'oh!

Reply

RaKum12 | 0

#804599 - Thursday 28 January 2010 13:30

hahaha
ur mom is awesome

Reply

AVainAttempt | 0

#805474 - Thursday 28 January 2010 22:41

The game

Reply

shadow455 | 2

#806215 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:37

yes op fyl for having no sense of humour and being unable to laugh at your self

Reply

justmeagirl | 0

#806488 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:45

AAAHahahahah. That's a 'My Life Rocks' for having a funny-as-hell mom who makes you laugh when you're sick :)

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#806772 - Friday 29 January 2010 9:18

hahaha.. Your mum is funny.. but your life is not fucked.. Unless, there something else we don't know about.. Therefore, I'ma hafta say: YDI, for sharing information with funny people..

Reply

tisiphone_fml | 0

#808600 - Saturday 30 January 2010 1:51

So true. I'm sorry... but your mom has a quick wit and a GREAT sense of humor.

Reply

betchinballer | 0

#813075 - Sunday 31 January 2010 18:37

this same thing happened to my brother XD

Reply

happysmartg | 5

#1883337 - Thursday 23 December 2010 17:20

total win. lol

Reply

Fuckedyourlifean | 0

#2192902 - Thursday 17 March 2011 6:56

Screw you AVainAttempt! You made me loose the game!!!

By IllegalLight | 0

#804506 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:09

zing!

Reply

HeresReality | 0

#805392 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:41

win for your mom

Reply

OBTrice | 15

#6017000 - Thursday 24 July 2014 3:30

She saw the opportunity and took it

By intensitive | 11

#804510 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:15

One word: Fiber.

By jennatailia | 0

#804516 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:20

You're so full of shit your eyes are brown?

Reply

stewie1744 | 0

#811909 - Sunday 31 January 2010 8:01

dumbass

By saucey12 | 1

#804517 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:20

snap lol

Reply

wryguy2765 | 8

#6083255 - Tuesday 7 October 2014 3:35

I always use a joke along those lines whenever someone, including myself, is constipated

By Chris_Says | 0

#804522 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:22

Could've been worse. You could have ended up so backed up that your faeces ended up in your stomach and you started vomiting them. Good ol' reverse peristalsis.

Reply

SkaterChic | 0

#804549 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:38

i remember an FML along those lines :p

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#804719 - Thursday 28 January 2010 14:47

I was actually thinking about that one yesterday.......which says alot about my life/mind

hmmmmmm....

anyway MOM FTW!

Reply

sjisje | 0

#806021 - Friday 29 January 2010 2:06

i was thinkin' about that today lol

Reply

unctarheel529 | 0

#806102 - Friday 29 January 2010 2:47

can that actually happen

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#806292 - Friday 29 January 2010 4:17

I also thought about that one. LOL

By SkaterChic | 0

#804547 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:37

LMFAOO

By happypapp12 | 0

#804553 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:41

Can't believe your husband could do such a thing. (spiderman is officially dead people! Spiderman is dead!)

Reply

FerrariCake | 2

#805018 - Thursday 28 January 2010 18:34

My favorite comments are the ones that belong with another FML.

Reply

containsnosoy | 0

#805293 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:00

lol, Whaaat?

By Leprecon | 3

#804555 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:49

Come on, it was the perfect setup for that joke ...
Can you really blame her ?

Reply

damnwtfdude | 0

#804709 - Thursday 28 January 2010 14:43

Exactly - how often do you get to make that joke? I know I wouldn't pass it up

Reply

hoopstar15 | 0

#806156 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:13

hahahahah I wish my mom would say stuff like that

Reply

pechi_305 | 7

#5326889 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 17:31

My mom wouldn't definitely say something like that and I'd think it was hilarious. Lol

Reply

pechi_305 | 7

#5326892 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 17:33

Would* sorry

By dacman48 | 0

#804577 - Thursday 28 January 2010 13:07

OP's mom=epic win!