Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said... - FML

By Crap - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said I had an abnormal amount of stool in me, and that I'd need to flush it out. I called my mom and told her what happened, to which she responded, "I always knew you were full of shit, I didn't need a doctor to tell me that." FML

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Season finale

Bad timing

The sweet smell of unsuccess

By HDcashier - 24/4/2020 17:00

Graded

Today, while cashiering, I rang out a father and his son who looked about eight years-old. The dad jokingly told his son that I was a 10/10 in looks. The son then looked at me for a few seconds and said, "No, probably more like a seven". Thanks a lot. FML

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By surfernerd6987 - United States

Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML

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By Dj sMoZ!

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By whatever - United States

Today, I went out with my ex-boyfriend on a date. The night consisted of me sitting in the back seat of his friend's truck while they drove around to pick up things for the party they were going to have that same night. After they picked everything up, he asked where I wanted to get dropped off. FML

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By bruisedandconfused - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

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By lamed - United States

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Elkridge

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my boss why the flowers I got her for her birthday the other day were in the conference room and not her office. She told me she was allergic to them and she had such a bad reaction that it made her go home early. I made my boss sick on her birthday. FML

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By harro101 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

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By 8 Legs plus 1 - 8/5/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom

Spider-Maaaaaaan

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She went to the bathroom momentarily, only to be greeted by a 'huge' spider, which disappeared under a cabinet. Due to her chronic arachnophobia, this instantly turned her off and caused her paranoia all night. I essentially got cock-blocked by a spider. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running the track at my school. My crush of two years was running in front of me, so I decided to catch up and finally talk to her. When I caught up, the only thing I could think to say was, "What's your name?" even though I already knew. She replied, "Natalie". Her name is Melissa. FML

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By StungAlot - United States

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I was writhing in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet and that I'm embarrassing him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

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By shanna

Unfair. Period.

Today, after I missed my last 3 periods, my mom grounded me for "getting pregnant" and refuses to believe anything else. I'm 15 and never had sex in my life. FML

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By joey - 9/3/2020 05:00

Zapped

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 14:02

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

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By Amy - 6/3/2020 07:00

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

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By Robyn - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By lanz4949 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

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By NickDrakeFan - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

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By nofriends - United States

Today, we had to give a surprise speech in speech class on two of our best and closest friends. My first friend was my mom. I had to make up the other one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

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By Banana - Puerto Rico

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

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By Nutless - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

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By Mazzam - France

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she bought for me. I said joking: "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, these cute girls approached me and asked me to take a picture of them. One girl asked me if I could send it to her because her phone had died. I was excited to have her number, but it turns out that she deleted the message after she sent the picture to herself. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

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By brows - United States

Today, I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a korean salon. I have never been there before and it's hard to understand their accents. The women asked me if I wanted "them all off". Not fully understanding what she said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 03:02

Kids, it doesn't get any better

Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML

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By clumsy - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

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By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By (L) - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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By Nice Guy - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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By Artic - United States

Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML

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By thesockmancometh - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

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Top comments

By IllegalLight | 0

#804506 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:09

zing!

By intensitive | 11

#804510 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:15

One word: Fiber.

COMMENTS

By waterynuggets | 0

#804505 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:09

Mom win. Though I've never heard of anyone having an "abnormal" amount of stool in them..

Reply

lettertjes | 0

#804529 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:26

Well usually, the 'abnormal' word isn't used by doctors. But it happens pretty regularly that people are so constipated that it gives them cramps.

And indeed: mom win.

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#804550 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:40

True, I actually didn't even think of constipation. D'oh!

Reply

RaKum12 | 0

#804599 - Thursday 28 January 2010 13:30

hahaha
ur mom is awesome

Reply

AVainAttempt | 0

#805474 - Thursday 28 January 2010 22:41

The game

Reply

shadow455 | 2

#806215 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:37

yes op fyl for having no sense of humour and being unable to laugh at your self

Reply

justmeagirl | 0

#806488 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:45

AAAHahahahah. That's a 'My Life Rocks' for having a funny-as-hell mom who makes you laugh when you're sick :)

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#806772 - Friday 29 January 2010 9:18

hahaha.. Your mum is funny.. but your life is not fucked.. Unless, there something else we don't know about.. Therefore, I'ma hafta say: YDI, for sharing information with funny people..

Reply

tisiphone_fml | 0

#808600 - Saturday 30 January 2010 1:51

So true. I'm sorry... but your mom has a quick wit and a GREAT sense of humor.

Reply

betchinballer | 0

#813075 - Sunday 31 January 2010 18:37

this same thing happened to my brother XD

Reply

happysmartg | 5

#1883337 - Thursday 23 December 2010 17:20

total win. lol

Reply

Fuckedyourlifean | 0

#2192902 - Thursday 17 March 2011 6:56

Screw you AVainAttempt! You made me loose the game!!!

By IllegalLight | 0

#804506 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:09

zing!

Reply

HeresReality | 0

#805392 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:41

win for your mom

Reply

OBTrice | 15

#6017000 - Thursday 24 July 2014 3:30

She saw the opportunity and took it

By intensitive | 11

#804510 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:15

One word: Fiber.

By jennatailia | 0

#804516 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:20

You're so full of shit your eyes are brown?

Reply

stewie1744 | 0

#811909 - Sunday 31 January 2010 8:01

dumbass

By saucey12 | 1

#804517 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:20

snap lol

Reply

wryguy2765 | 8

#6083255 - Tuesday 7 October 2014 3:35

I always use a joke along those lines whenever someone, including myself, is constipated

By Chris_Says | 0

#804522 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:22

Could've been worse. You could have ended up so backed up that your faeces ended up in your stomach and you started vomiting them. Good ol' reverse peristalsis.

Reply

SkaterChic | 0

#804549 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:38

i remember an FML along those lines :p

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#804719 - Thursday 28 January 2010 14:47

I was actually thinking about that one yesterday.......which says alot about my life/mind

hmmmmmm....

anyway MOM FTW!

Reply

sjisje | 0

#806021 - Friday 29 January 2010 2:06

i was thinkin' about that today lol

Reply

unctarheel529 | 0

#806102 - Friday 29 January 2010 2:47

can that actually happen

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#806292 - Friday 29 January 2010 4:17

I also thought about that one. LOL

By SkaterChic | 0

#804547 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:37

LMFAOO

By happypapp12 | 0

#804553 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:41

Can't believe your husband could do such a thing. (spiderman is officially dead people! Spiderman is dead!)

Reply

FerrariCake | 2

#805018 - Thursday 28 January 2010 18:34

My favorite comments are the ones that belong with another FML.

Reply

containsnosoy | 0

#805293 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:00

lol, Whaaat?

By Leprecon | 3

#804555 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:49

Come on, it was the perfect setup for that joke ...
Can you really blame her ?

Reply

damnwtfdude | 0

#804709 - Thursday 28 January 2010 14:43

Exactly - how often do you get to make that joke? I know I wouldn't pass it up

Reply

hoopstar15 | 0

#806156 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:13

hahahahah I wish my mom would say stuff like that

Reply

pechi_305 | 7

#5326889 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 17:31

My mom wouldn't definitely say something like that and I'd think it was hilarious. Lol

Reply

pechi_305 | 7

#5326892 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 17:33

Would* sorry

By dacman48 | 0

#804577 - Thursday 28 January 2010 13:07

OP's mom=epic win!