Transportation: Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 287

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 124

09/05/2015 17:13

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 830

You deserved it 10 050

Leave us alone

Dementia or hate? You decide

Our house, in the middle of our street

19/03/2009 23:31

Spicy

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138 518

You deserved it 14 375

Same

By Anonymous - 08/01/2015 14:24

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 849

You deserved it 6 050

05/08/2010 11:14

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 856

You deserved it 54 803

30/11/2011 19:25

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 689

You deserved it 8 845

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

By dumb dumb - 14/08/2020 14:00

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 554

You deserved it 212

01/10/2014 16:53

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 858

You deserved it 45 511

13/07/2012 19:06

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 315

You deserved it 57 673

01/12/2013 20:27

Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 800

You deserved it 2 873

05/09/2012 16:13

Spicy

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 366

You deserved it 3 895

06/03/2010 06:16

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 027

You deserved it 8 583

01/12/2017 01:30

Today, after a year of diet and rigorous exercise, I've still gained weight. Confused, I went to my doctor. Apparently I have a thyroid condition he forgot to mention, and therefore haven't been on medication for, thus causing weight gain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 852

You deserved it 237

23/07/2016 23:04

Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 840

You deserved it 19 121

13/07/2010 09:22

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 878

You deserved it 13 269

25/06/2016 04:55

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 191

You deserved it 2 930

20/05/2009 05:18

Today, my husband was leaving for a long business trip to Germany. As he was leaving, my daughter started crying. "Don't leave me with her !' she said. 'Take me with you !' FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 742

You deserved it 8 898

04/02/2015 15:16

Spicy

Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 941

You deserved it 4 900

01/04/2012 02:52

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 808

You deserved it 33 957

To make an omelette

By EggyBum - 26/01/2010 01:41

Today, I was putting groceries into my car, and I put the eggs on the driver's seat while I arranged my other bags. I was frustrated because the dome light was acting up, which drives me crazy. Once I got everything in, I crankily plopped into the car. I had never moved the eggs off my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 089

You deserved it 30 454

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

By How can you f*** up that bad!? - 17/02/2017 15:51

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 561

You deserved it 467

02/04/2018 19:00

Today, my 5-year-old son made a drawing of our living room, with the addition of an apparition and the text, "I can see you. Daddy doesn't see you. Who are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 304

24/02/2017 03:00

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 433

You deserved it 716

19/06/2017 06:00

Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 090

You deserved it 2 927

08/07/2012 09:47

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 343

You deserved it 6 549

08/08/2011 07:16

Spicy

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 778

You deserved it 3 994

19/08/2009 09:08

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 559

You deserved it 3 779

23/09/2014 12:48

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 038

You deserved it 19 739

09/11/2015 19:33

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 729

You deserved it 3 263

20/08/2015 21:24

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 471

You deserved it 5 014

17/09/2011 00:25

Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying "that's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 736

You deserved it 2 424

20/02/2009 05:25

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 237

You deserved it 4 060

Freudian slip

By MollyMadamme - 01/02/2011 00:33

Spicy

Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 818

You deserved it 6 318

14/03/2010 01:17

Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 698

You deserved it 37 177

16/05/2010 04:08

Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 897

You deserved it 10 681

01/08/2011 12:55

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 417

You deserved it 3 144

08/04/2011 05:24

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 668

You deserved it 80 717

13/11/2009 02:43

Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and legitimately broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 799

You deserved it 2 359

09/08/2009 12:42

Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 937

You deserved it 4 364

20/02/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. When I woke up I found out they pulled the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 700

You deserved it 215

19/01/2009 01:01

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 831

You deserved it 3 490

Her House, Her Rules.

By Anonymous - 02/08/2019 16:03

Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 137

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:19

Time flies while sleeping.

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:18

At least you're well rested.

Comments

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:18

At least you're well rested.

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:39

The irony is strong with this one.

fakedsincerity 32

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:59

#15 Irony. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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Sunday 10 May 2015 1:02

In hind sight I realize it was not the proper terminology for the situation.

KobeLebroJordan 17

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Sunday 10 May 2015 5:19

Also he had the best nap of his life!

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:18

I would've set a small alarm

insideoutoreo33 8

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Sunday 10 May 2015 1:39

As opposed to a large alarm?

LittleMissShadow 16

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:19

Alarms are a good idea my friend

anirudhreddy23 2

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Monday 11 May 2015 9:11

OP here, created an account just to reply to you guys. Yes alarms are wonderful, but three nights in an exam filled week with little sleep helped me fall asleep when I wasn't planning to :). The only upside is I got where I wanted to :)

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:19

Time flies while sleeping.

oobergoober89 16

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Sunday 10 May 2015 1:04

Nice pun

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Sunday 10 May 2015 5:14

so did the aeroplane.

LadyGagasNipple 19

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:20

*beep beep beep* is what you should of heard if you had an alarm set. I hope you got where you wanted to go though.

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Sunday 10 May 2015 2:30

For the love of all that is holy, *should have

leogachi 15

Sunday 10 May 2015 6:41

Actually, *would have. Or *could have.

anirudhreddy23 2

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Monday 11 May 2015 9:13

OP here, created an account just to reply to you guys. Yes alarms are wonderful, but three nights in an exam filled week with little sleep helped me fall asleep when I wasn't planning to :). The only upside is I got where I wanted to :)

Nicolasaur726 21

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:20

No offense OP, but falling asleep in an airport seems like a very poor idea. Maybe you should've tried harder to stay awake.

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:42

True. I've seen airport police wake people and tell them to watch their luggage, they've even yelled at me for leaving my bag six feet away as I bought a coffee. At least in Australia and New Zealand anyway.

Roskie 16

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Sunday 10 May 2015 1:07

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Captain Obvious!

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Sunday 10 May 2015 2:31

Captain Obvious, you forgot to, well... Fly away. :D

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:20

I guess time flew by with that nap.

Eyalsh 32

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Sunday 10 May 2015 4:25

a minute late, *hands over the 'At least you tried' star*

RickySleeves 20

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:20

You could say...time flies! FYL

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:21

Haha I feel so bad for you OP, hope you were able to secure a flight.

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Sunday 10 May 2015 0:23

Never underestimate the power of coffee