Health: Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security... - FML

By iamnotuseless

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

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Late term

Triage

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By damn-it - Australia

Today, my Grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. It was apparently written by someone historically famous. She was going on about how important it was, in such good condition too, worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilt all over it. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

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By BooBabe - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a restaurant in front of a lot of people. Once I said yes, some guy yelled out, "SEX. SEX. SEX." My boyfriend yelled back, "LATER!" FML

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By John - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 17:11

Get rid of the evidence!

Today, while my roommate was taking a bath, I became horribly sick out of nowhere. Since the bathroom was occupied, I ended up having explosive diarrhea in an Amazon box in my bedroom, which I immediately ran out to the dumpster. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

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By myworstday - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was let go from an unpaid internship. The reasons cited was that I seemed unhappy at work. No, that's just my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I overheard my boyfriend admitting that he's only dating me because having me around "sucks a bit less than fucking my own hand". FML

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By sharni88 - Australia

Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

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By eh - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

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By donotbelieveinsecondchances - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, my ex gave me a heartwarming speech about how much he wanted me back. After talking for hours and me finally wanting to get back together too, he started mentioning a date he has with a cute colleague. Conclusion: he wants to get back together, but still be able to fuck the entire world. FML

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By BubbaYoshi117 - United States - Kirkland

test light

Today, I was refilling my lighter. Afterwards, I gave it a test light. I must have spilled some fluid because my thumb caught on fire. FML

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By Lois - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By Biggie - United States

Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The wind snapped it wide open, then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as I stepped out, spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me. FML

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By tripleBBB

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

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By sprainedankle - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

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By helplesssssss - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

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By MissIsabel - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

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By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

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By Singed - United States

Today, my dad woke me up by shaking me and saying "If you're not up in two minutes, I'm lighting a firecracker in your room." Thinking he wouldn't possibly set off a firecracker in the house, much less my room, I decided to call his bluff. My room still smells like gunpowder. FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

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By iamnotalawyer - United States - Glendale

Today, I found out that when people in my apartment complex warn their kids about strangers, they use me as the example. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML

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By Frouse

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, when I locked my newly repaired bike up, I carefully took the new rear light off it so that nobody could steal said light. Somebody stole my bike. At least I have a red light to play with. FML

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By emonsteadman - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

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By NoorFML - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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By why? - United States

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

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By spiderhater - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

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By frustrated - Hong Kong

Today, I met my boyfriend in Hong Kong after being apart for almost 6 months. We got to our room and got right down to business. I was just about to come when a voice came over the PA system in the room. "This is just a fire alarm test, sorry for any inconvenience." FML

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By Dangling - United States - Lizella

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found myself crying my eyes out over my two favourite fictional characters' deaths. It happened over 6 years ago and has affected me more than real peoples' deaths. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 08:02 - United States - Ann Arbor

How's your hovel?

Today, I was cooking in my Airbnb and grabbed a pan, only to find it had some kind of beetle and droppings all over it. I realized soon after that the whole place was infested, but the person in charge of maintenance won’t answer my messages. FML

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Top comments

By xxmollyxx | 25

#1823926 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:08

Maybe you should invest in some nicer clothes, and/or a hair cut?

By alakomonus | 0

#1823891 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:04

that is messed up

COMMENTS

By alakomonus | 0

#1823891 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:04

that is messed up

Reply

Adolf_Grammer_Hi | 0

#1823914 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:06

awesome

Reply

XelaKJK | 0

#1824200 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:52

I like how her nane is iamnotuseless, implying that homeless individuals are useless...I beg to differ!

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#1824211 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:54

YDI for Not being a hobo.

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#1824224 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:55

yeah.... ( T_T)

Reply

WishResign | 0

#1824401 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:23

perhaps you could dress better? people are rude, you can't change that, but this should be your wake up call to clean yourself up a bit. nothing fancy, but not bum-like either.

Reply

iBimmer | 0

#1824442 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:29

I come back to this website a year later to find out that all my comments have been removed.

Hello, all!

OP, YDI for getting sick.

Reply

Ismellwin | 0

#1824619 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:13

I guess this is what happens when you neglect hygiene.

Reply

nikki456123 | 0

#1824732 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:53

some times u can't help being a hobo and either was that's a gay comment

Reply

omfgTACOsYeSs | 0

#1824769 - Friday 10 December 2010 19:03

like his face.

Reply

rickolette | 0

#1826274 - Saturday 11 December 2010 5:27

AHAHAHAHA!!
I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS!!!
AHA HA HA HA!!!!

Reply

Lito127 | 0

#1827894 - Saturday 11 December 2010 10:19

That's hilarious & such a sad story. ;P

Reply

ExEmoPsychoGirl | 0

#2603644 - Thursday 2 June 2011 4:41

YDI for not being a hobo and fussing hobos as useless ha

By OuchCharlie | 0

#1823906 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:05

lol. fkd up.

By funnydufe111 | 0

#1823911 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:06

woot number 1 :D

Reply

BDTM | 0

#1823987 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:18

will get modded?^

Reply

nycy | 0

#1824007 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:21

they never said first all they said they were number one

By xxmollyxx | 25

#1823926 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:08

Maybe you should invest in some nicer clothes, and/or a hair cut?

Reply

LaylaXstripped | 0

#1824167 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:47

that would be the best option

Reply

iwuvwolfz | 0

#1826762 - Saturday 11 December 2010 8:28

lol for a sec, i thought your pic was some overflowed turd in a toilet xD

Reply

xxmollyxx | 25

#1828609 - Saturday 11 December 2010 14:39

haha aww

Reply

bornjordan | 0

#2638880 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 21:29

so did I(:

By machiko_fml | 0

#1823935 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

Sounds like you need a make over. :)

By DahkLohd | 4

#1823939 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

YDI for looking like a hobo.

Reply

LaylaXstripped | 0

#1824191 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:50

thats not nice

Reply

DahkLohd | 4

#1824361 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:14

Voldemort isn't nice. :-)

BTW - I was only joking; maybe I should have mentioned that.

Reply

TaylorTheBoss | 4

#1824529 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:48

lmao,kids...

Reply

hairt | 4

#1825072 - Friday 10 December 2010 20:22

avada kedavra! hahahahaha =)

By ohgodwtf | 0

#1823943 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

Ew. Grody.

By yumsugarr | 8

#1823949 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:12

eww. that's strange..at least you brushed him off!?

By lammylamb17 | 0

#1823958 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:13

lmao maybe you should look in a mirror. just saying

By skyeyez9 | 24

#1823960 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:14

I see hobos at the local walmart here and if you resemble one of them, ydi. Hobos have no home to shower, and look clean. you have a home, resources to have clean clothes, decent haircut and showers! Use them.

Reply

AceArctic | 4

#1826525 - Saturday 11 December 2010 7:20

Maybe he's just a hippie?