Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security... - FML

By iamnotuseless - 10/12/2010 11:37

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

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Tense

Gas giant

TMI

By inpain - 17/3/2016 04:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2013 01:39 - United States - Decatur

Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML

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By limeiscool - 4/8/2019 04:00

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

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By shocked1 - 7/1/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

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By Catsfordays - 20/8/2015 06:02 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML

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By gimpy - 23/6/2016 15:00 - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2016 21:11 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It only kept smelling my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

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By footinmouth - 13/9/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 17:01 - United States - Portland

Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML

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By Acesup111 - 2/3/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By Laura - 8/10/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

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By lame-o-prof - 15/7/2013 21:14 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was marking exams. I then had to explain to many of the students that (a) pigs are not aquatic animals and (b) sharks do not have lungs. These are university students. FML

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By that was mine - 15/5/2015 22:26 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By Sith Dad - 5/9/2018 15:00

Today, I accompanied my daughter to her classmate's Disney Princess themed birthday party. Minutes in, the celebrant's mother kindly asked us to leave because my daughter was ruining the theme. How? She dressed up as Princess Leia. FML

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By James - 22/7/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By Doggotmytongue - 12/2/2013 21:50 - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - 28/2/2013 03:28 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 11:12 - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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By dulllife - 8/12/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

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By Rosie - 16/10/2018 12:00

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

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By Krystyn Gareau - 9/9/2011 04:10 - Canada

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

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By joe - 31/1/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

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By jackelking - 25/5/2009 08:33 - United States

Today, I was at my friends' farm and we decided that we wanted to go to their old treehouse. When we got down there, it turned out my friend Cat had forgotten her shoes. Being a gentleman, I lent her my sandals. I then climbed the treehouse, fell out, and got a nail through my foot. FML

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By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By unlucky - 10/11/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I attended a focus group. Since I've been unemployed for a month now I thought the $60 would come in handy. By the time I finished someone had broken into my car, stole my GPS and MP3 player. FML

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By mnote - 23/10/2014 15:56 - United States - Sapulpa

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

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By Helpful Smile - 20/5/2014 23:50 - United States - Davenport

Today, after my bosses excitedly told me I'm getting promoted to customer service at our grocery store, a customer called me an idiot in the parking lot for accidentally backing into the shopping cart she left in my blind spot. And so it begins. FML

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By PhilDavisDied? - 30/9/2010 10:33 - France

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite rock songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

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By SarahNB - 1/3/2014 21:09 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

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By cat_lady - 5/4/2020 17:00

Follow the yellow brown road

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

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By lanbon182 - 10/4/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 08:05 - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

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By ferrin10 - 26/7/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, I was mowing lawns for my summer job. I noticed next to me a shiny new corvette being washed by the owner. I gave a friendly wave, just as I heard a big clank as the mower blade shot a rock into the side of the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - 27/7/2015 09:25 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

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By anonymous - 12/2/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:48 - United States - Gainesboro

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. In the heat of the moment, I said his name. He immediately stopped, gave me a deadly serious look and said "Huh? What?" FML

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By roo - 27/1/2011 16:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

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Top comments

By xxmollyxx | 25

#1823926 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:08

Maybe you should invest in some nicer clothes, and/or a hair cut?

By alakomonus | 0

#1823891 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:04

that is messed up

COMMENTS

By alakomonus | 0

#1823891 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:04

that is messed up

Reply

Adolf_Grammer_Hi | 0

#1823914 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:06

awesome

Reply

XelaKJK | 0

#1824200 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:52

I like how her nane is iamnotuseless, implying that homeless individuals are useless...I beg to differ!

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#1824211 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:54

YDI for Not being a hobo.

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#1824224 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:55

yeah.... ( T_T)

Reply

WishResign | 0

#1824401 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:23

perhaps you could dress better? people are rude, you can't change that, but this should be your wake up call to clean yourself up a bit. nothing fancy, but not bum-like either.

Reply

iBimmer | 0

#1824442 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:29

I come back to this website a year later to find out that all my comments have been removed.

Hello, all!

OP, YDI for getting sick.

Reply

Ismellwin | 0

#1824619 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:13

I guess this is what happens when you neglect hygiene.

Reply

nikki456123 | 0

#1824732 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:53

some times u can't help being a hobo and either was that's a gay comment

Reply

omfgTACOsYeSs | 0

#1824769 - Friday 10 December 2010 19:03

like his face.

Reply

rickolette | 0

#1826274 - Saturday 11 December 2010 5:27

AHAHAHAHA!!
I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS!!!
AHA HA HA HA!!!!

Reply

Lito127 | 0

#1827894 - Saturday 11 December 2010 10:19

That's hilarious & such a sad story. ;P

Reply

ExEmoPsychoGirl | 0

#2603644 - Thursday 2 June 2011 4:41

YDI for not being a hobo and fussing hobos as useless ha

By OuchCharlie | 0

#1823906 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:05

lol. fkd up.

By funnydufe111 | 0

#1823911 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:06

woot number 1 :D

Reply

BDTM | 0

#1823987 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:18

will get modded?^

Reply

nycy | 0

#1824007 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:21

they never said first all they said they were number one

By xxmollyxx | 25

#1823926 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:08

Maybe you should invest in some nicer clothes, and/or a hair cut?

Reply

LaylaXstripped | 0

#1824167 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:47

that would be the best option

Reply

iwuvwolfz | 0

#1826762 - Saturday 11 December 2010 8:28

lol for a sec, i thought your pic was some overflowed turd in a toilet xD

Reply

xxmollyxx | 25

#1828609 - Saturday 11 December 2010 14:39

haha aww

Reply

bornjordan | 0

#2638880 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 21:29

so did I(:

By machiko_fml | 0

#1823935 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

Sounds like you need a make over. :)

By DahkLohd | 4

#1823939 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

YDI for looking like a hobo.

Reply

LaylaXstripped | 0

#1824191 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:50

thats not nice

Reply

DahkLohd | 4

#1824361 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:14

Voldemort isn't nice. :-)

BTW - I was only joking; maybe I should have mentioned that.

Reply

TaylorTheBoss | 4

#1824529 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:48

lmao,kids...

Reply

hairt | 4

#1825072 - Friday 10 December 2010 20:22

avada kedavra! hahahahaha =)

By ohgodwtf | 0

#1823943 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

Ew. Grody.

By yumsugarr | 8

#1823949 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:12

eww. that's strange..at least you brushed him off!?

By lammylamb17 | 0

#1823958 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:13

lmao maybe you should look in a mirror. just saying

By skyeyez9 | 24

#1823960 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:14

I see hobos at the local walmart here and if you resemble one of them, ydi. Hobos have no home to shower, and look clean. you have a home, resources to have clean clothes, decent haircut and showers! Use them.

Reply

AceArctic | 4

#1826525 - Saturday 11 December 2010 7:20

Maybe he's just a hippie?