Health: Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security... - FML

By iamnotuseless

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

And today, on Dr Phil…

Great start to the day

By suckishbf - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

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By diva467 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

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By please leave... - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

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By kate - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

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By I'veRunOuttaPatience

Today, I got scolded for how I treated my aunt and uncle's dogs while pet sitting. I was told it was my fault they had explosive diarrhea for "locking" them in the room they'd told me to put them in at night and doing everything they said when I reported they were sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By joking0303 - United States

Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be saddened by an upcoming event". Three hours later my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too superstitious. FML

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By OhMyWhitney - United States

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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By jack the ripped - United States

Today, while examining my busted nose in the mirror, I had a sneeze attack. Now it looks like someone got their throat slashed in my bathroom. FML

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By in love with a nerd - United States

Lrn 2 Read

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

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By willkftw

Today, I backed a van into another car at work, damaging the tailgate in the process. I work at a panel beater. The van I was driving had just had a brand new tailgate put on. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML

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By TheSentinel05 - 27/10/2020 12:01 - United States - San Jose

Jumpy

Today, my mom said my name and startled me so badly, I jumped and dropped the glass I was holding. She still isn’t speaking to me for breaking her favorite glass. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Solna

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me for a chick I shared a hospital room with for 2 months. I introduced them. FML

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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By icyrebel25 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

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By milkybear - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met an amazing guy. After having great conversation all night and what I thought was a serious connection, I leaned in to kiss him. He screamed, forcefully pushed my face away with his hand, and said he was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

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By luvs2spooge89 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By padre74 - United States - Jackson

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's only been a week since I've been in my new apartment with my boyfriend, and I already caught him cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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By melissa - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 17:01

Can't feel my tongue

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

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By jigglypluff - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML

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By squidwardpotatoes - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from "SpongeBob" with large letters spelling "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

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By riahta - United States

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

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By Andrew Dutch Beebe

Today, I was told not to show up for work, after I showed up for work. FML

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By damnit - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By Coffee Boy - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

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By hairless by death - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

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By someone something

Today, I was finally able to come home after 4 months in a hospital recovering from brain surgery and physical therapy. While taking a walk around the neighborhood, my new neighbor's Rottweiler ran after me. I tripped while running, got bit, and went back to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By happycow122 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I realized I'm pregnant by a man who won't even accept my Facebook friend request. FML

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By aero00 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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By sydysyd - United States

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

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Top comments

By xxmollyxx | 25

#1823926 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:08

Maybe you should invest in some nicer clothes, and/or a hair cut?

By alakomonus | 0

#1823891 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:04

that is messed up

COMMENTS

By alakomonus | 0

#1823891 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:04

that is messed up

Reply

Adolf_Grammer_Hi | 0

#1823914 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:06

awesome

Reply

XelaKJK | 0

#1824200 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:52

I like how her nane is iamnotuseless, implying that homeless individuals are useless...I beg to differ!

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#1824211 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:54

YDI for Not being a hobo.

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#1824224 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:55

yeah.... ( T_T)

Reply

WishResign | 0

#1824401 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:23

perhaps you could dress better? people are rude, you can't change that, but this should be your wake up call to clean yourself up a bit. nothing fancy, but not bum-like either.

Reply

iBimmer | 0

#1824442 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:29

I come back to this website a year later to find out that all my comments have been removed.

Hello, all!

OP, YDI for getting sick.

Reply

Ismellwin | 0

#1824619 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:13

I guess this is what happens when you neglect hygiene.

Reply

nikki456123 | 0

#1824732 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:53

some times u can't help being a hobo and either was that's a gay comment

Reply

omfgTACOsYeSs | 0

#1824769 - Friday 10 December 2010 19:03

like his face.

Reply

rickolette | 0

#1826274 - Saturday 11 December 2010 5:27

AHAHAHAHA!!
I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS!!!
AHA HA HA HA!!!!

Reply

Lito127 | 0

#1827894 - Saturday 11 December 2010 10:19

That's hilarious & such a sad story. ;P

Reply

ExEmoPsychoGirl | 0

#2603644 - Thursday 2 June 2011 4:41

YDI for not being a hobo and fussing hobos as useless ha

By OuchCharlie | 0

#1823906 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:05

lol. fkd up.

By funnydufe111 | 0

#1823911 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:06

woot number 1 :D

Reply

BDTM | 0

#1823987 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:18

will get modded?^

Reply

nycy | 0

#1824007 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:21

they never said first all they said they were number one

By xxmollyxx | 25

#1823926 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:08

Maybe you should invest in some nicer clothes, and/or a hair cut?

Reply

LaylaXstripped | 0

#1824167 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:47

that would be the best option

Reply

iwuvwolfz | 0

#1826762 - Saturday 11 December 2010 8:28

lol for a sec, i thought your pic was some overflowed turd in a toilet xD

Reply

xxmollyxx | 25

#1828609 - Saturday 11 December 2010 14:39

haha aww

Reply

bornjordan | 0

#2638880 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 21:29

so did I(:

By machiko_fml | 0

#1823935 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

Sounds like you need a make over. :)

By DahkLohd | 4

#1823939 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

YDI for looking like a hobo.

Reply

LaylaXstripped | 0

#1824191 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:50

thats not nice

Reply

DahkLohd | 4

#1824361 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:14

Voldemort isn't nice. :-)

BTW - I was only joking; maybe I should have mentioned that.

Reply

TaylorTheBoss | 4

#1824529 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:48

lmao,kids...

Reply

hairt | 4

#1825072 - Friday 10 December 2010 20:22

avada kedavra! hahahahaha =)

By ohgodwtf | 0

#1823943 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

Ew. Grody.

By yumsugarr | 8

#1823949 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:12

eww. that's strange..at least you brushed him off!?

By lammylamb17 | 0

#1823958 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:13

lmao maybe you should look in a mirror. just saying

By skyeyez9 | 24

#1823960 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:14

I see hobos at the local walmart here and if you resemble one of them, ydi. Hobos have no home to shower, and look clean. you have a home, resources to have clean clothes, decent haircut and showers! Use them.

Reply

AceArctic | 4

#1826525 - Saturday 11 December 2010 7:20

Maybe he's just a hippie?