Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the...

By sausages - 17/1/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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Health

British Broadcasting Corporation

Whatthefuckaburger

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By RotoRooter - 17/4/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 02:02

Stay classy, bro

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

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By ashlee - 31/8/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

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By friendless - 6/8/2019 00:01

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 11:10 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML

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By Jlhfan90 - 3/10/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML

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By Nanda - 14/6/2016 06:03 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

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By Loveless - 23/8/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 17:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

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By anonymous - 19/3/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

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By jasonnn - 30/3/2012 05:00 - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By zzfreakshow - 15/10/2013 00:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 00:14 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend texted me from a bar, saying they had just called my name in a raffle to win a trip to Aspen, CO. You had to be at the bar to claim the prize. I had left the bar half-an-hour earlier, not knowing they were even having a raffle. FML

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By anyoldnamewilldo - 11/12/2014 16:10 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

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By myBFsucks - 5/10/2011 04:16 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 05:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Oakland

On time

Today, I finally got up early enough to get to work on time. I arrived 15 minutes early only to realize that I'd left my work laptop at home. Ended up being 30 minutes late. FML

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By brooke - 21/3/2012 17:12 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 02:33 - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

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By facepalm - 22/7/2013 20:19 - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2014 01:36 - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By willieboom - 30/5/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I turned 30 years old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML

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By triplenipple - 10/1/2011 20:35 - Sweden

Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML

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By oops - 21/9/2013 01:30 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 07:18 - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2014 10:01 - United Kingdom - Great Malvern

Today, I watched my brother attempt to cook some eggs without turning the gas on. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2011 20:48 - United States

Today, I found out my soon to be ex-husband is going to be a father. We spent our entire marriage unsuccessfully trying for a baby. The mother of his unborn child isn't his new girlfriend, but someone else he was cheating on her with. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet. FML

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By tylah - 23/6/2012 15:11 - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

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By llostinreality - 30/9/2018 07:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 12:03 - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

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By soccer_bball - 14/10/2013 19:32 - United States - Frisco

Today, I was at the dentist. I ended up having some work done and left with a numb mouth. I have school pictures in less than 2 hours and I can neither smile nor stop drooling everywhere. FML

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By tash - 24/5/2011 12:33 - Canada

Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML

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By scared - 17/3/2015 21:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I am so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML

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By jaskyriddims - 16/9/2009 19:58 - Dominica

Today, my family gathered to pray. It was my brother's turn to pray and he ended with this, "...and help Chev that he does not become the disappointment everyone expects him to be. Amen." I looked on in shock as my entire family nodded and said "Amen" in agreement. Hi, I'm Chev. FML

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By Jayman223 - 10/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

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By shitty day - 30/11/2011 10:53 - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2012 11:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Showtime

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

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Top comments

By anonymous_kenie | 7

#5830455 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Hey sometimes life is hard

By bloodierframe30 | 16

#5830456 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Wow. I'll call that a 'Hard' time

COMMENTS

By LinkandSaria | 10

#5830454 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

first

By anonymous_kenie | 7

#5830455 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Hey sometimes life is hard

vbzy | 11

#5830508 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:12

It has it's ups and downs, right OP?

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5830517 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:28

On the bright side, you now know you're a masochist!

omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5830580 - Saturday 18 January 2014 4:13

Haha lol. Life is "hard" what a great pun :P

VeganVampyre | 26

#5830595 - Saturday 18 January 2014 4:29

Wow, thank you, 55! None of us would have gotten that without you!

JustinKirby | 20

#5830769 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:58

I tried to find a way to fit the phrase "stuck Inbetween a rock and a hard place" in there but couldn't think of a clever pun.

Kain713 | 14

#5833003 - Monday 20 January 2014 9:59

Thanks Ted, that was the joke.

By bloodierframe30 | 16

#5830456 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Wow. I'll call that a 'Hard' time

applebramble | 22

#5830657 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:09

Hmm OP likes to be dominated .

radwanov | 14

#5831357 - Saturday 18 January 2014 20:00

nah nah nah come on, come on, come on. i like it, like it
s s s & m m m :)

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5832905 - Monday 20 January 2014 6:55

At least now OP knows what he's into.

By xXxJaGsTeRxXx | 11

#5830458 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Get a tattoo on your junk next time! Wonder what will happen.

DarthMorlock | 9

#5830468 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

This reminds me of 21 jump street "we even had to get tatoos on out junks

ShadowSneaker360 | 16

#5830525 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:47

I heard a guy got a tattoo on his dick and now has a permanent erection.

liketenpandas | 6

#5832408 - Sunday 19 January 2014 19:54

I once heard this story... oh wait. no I didn't.

mallu86 | 9

#5832433 - Sunday 19 January 2014 20:39

#119 you must had a really rough childhood.

joeja69 | 6

#5837316 - Friday 24 January 2014 12:21

probably in the face lol

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5830459 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Whatever's comfortable

By vikingsfan619 | 5

#5830461 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Was the tattoo that he erected up to your standards?

wellthen7154 | 12

#5830479 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:45

Those standards are a bit too hard to cum up to.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5830530 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:50

those puns almost made me spit everywhere!

junkman6 | 22

#5830548 - Saturday 18 January 2014 3:19

Spitters never win!

wellthen7154 | 12

#5830565 - Saturday 18 January 2014 3:56

I will admit they are a bit tough to swallow.

bighood24 | 17

#5830744 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:32

spitters are quiters

By LinkandSaria | 10

#5830463 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Tattoo parlor's have seen lots.of things. Don't worry about it OP

By junkman6 | 22

#5830465 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Masochism is apparently your thing. Time to buy some latex suits and a cat o' nine.

J_Kertz | 14

#5830820 - Saturday 18 January 2014 8:09

And apparently a tattoo gun.

By NotMyDay5 | 13

#5830467 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Fifty Shades of tattoo

By krupa1017 | 18

#5830469 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Hey, whatever gets you through the pain. Lol