Health: Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the...

By sausages - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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Health

Vulture

BO Central

Sounds fishy

By he's still not convinced - United States

Today, while visiting my mother, she asked my son who his favorite parent was. As a growing boy, he chose his father. I don't mind, except she then asked, "So, whose side are you taking in the divorce?" My husband and I have no marital issues. My son refuses to believe us. FML

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By ballnchain - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

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By Downinthedumps - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

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By sofargone420 - United States

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 00:02 - Greece - Thessaloniki

On the beat

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

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By Jeslyn03 - Canada

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

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By catslave - New Zealand

Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML

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By j - Australia

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML

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By my kid! - 24/10/2020 14:02 - United States

QAnon weirdoes

Today, some idiot with a #saveourchildren shirt followed me around a store. When I finally asked the fucker what their problem was, they started screaming, asking why I was holding hands with black children that obviously didn’t belong to me. I’m white. Their mom is black. They’re my kids. FML

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By awkward - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a friend's "party". Everyone bailed but my friend didn't say anything, so it's just me and my girl. The train tickets alone cost £20. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 02:02

Heartbreaking

Today, I ran into a childhood friend for the first time in years. It turned out her mother died of COVID a few days ago. It was heartbreaking to see her close to tears all the time we talked, but due to distancing I couldn't even hug her to make her feel better. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By offtothejobcentre - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML

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By BigBlue - United States - Seattle

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

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By stuck - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

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By Escape! - United States

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. What did I get? A 12-hour work shift, after spending an almost sleepless night in a computer chair because my bed is infested with bed bugs. FML

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By ReComatosed242 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By badmombadkids - 24/5/2020 02:00

Assholes, assholes everywhere

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

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By Unwanted - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By CockroachCluster

Today, I turned on my A/C for the first time in a couple of months. A family of ginormous cockroaches climbed out of the air vent and a few clumps of dead cockroaches fell to the ground. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from work and turned on the computer. I logged onto Facebook and saw I had a bunch of notifications. Turns out, everyone on Facebook knew I was single before I did. FML

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By Nathanael Johnson - Australia

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

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By Anonymous

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

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By Chessmomma3

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

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By shithead - United States

Today, my friends and I ran through a flock of resting seagulls. The birds took to the skies and chased after us, covering us in shit. FML

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By Fattypatty - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

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By pimpslaprequired - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bargoed

Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for 6 months. FML

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By beerpong26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

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Top comments

By anonymous_kenie | 7

#5830455 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Hey sometimes life is hard

By bloodierframe30 | 16

#5830456 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Wow. I'll call that a 'Hard' time

COMMENTS

By LinkandSaria | 10

#5830454 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

first

By anonymous_kenie | 7

#5830455 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Hey sometimes life is hard

vbzy | 11

#5830508 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:12

It has it's ups and downs, right OP?

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5830517 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:28

On the bright side, you now know you're a masochist!

omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5830580 - Saturday 18 January 2014 4:13

Haha lol. Life is "hard" what a great pun :P

VeganVampyre | 26

#5830595 - Saturday 18 January 2014 4:29

Wow, thank you, 55! None of us would have gotten that without you!

JustinKirby | 20

#5830769 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:58

I tried to find a way to fit the phrase "stuck Inbetween a rock and a hard place" in there but couldn't think of a clever pun.

Kain713 | 14

#5833003 - Monday 20 January 2014 9:59

Thanks Ted, that was the joke.

By bloodierframe30 | 16

#5830456 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Wow. I'll call that a 'Hard' time

applebramble | 22

#5830657 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:09

Hmm OP likes to be dominated .

radwanov | 14

#5831357 - Saturday 18 January 2014 20:00

nah nah nah come on, come on, come on. i like it, like it
s s s & m m m :)

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5832905 - Monday 20 January 2014 6:55

At least now OP knows what he's into.

By xXxJaGsTeRxXx | 11

#5830458 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Get a tattoo on your junk next time! Wonder what will happen.

DarthMorlock | 9

#5830468 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

This reminds me of 21 jump street "we even had to get tatoos on out junks

ShadowSneaker360 | 16

#5830525 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:47

I heard a guy got a tattoo on his dick and now has a permanent erection.

liketenpandas | 6

#5832408 - Sunday 19 January 2014 19:54

I once heard this story... oh wait. no I didn't.

mallu86 | 9

#5832433 - Sunday 19 January 2014 20:39

#119 you must had a really rough childhood.

joeja69 | 6

#5837316 - Friday 24 January 2014 12:21

probably in the face lol

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5830459 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Whatever's comfortable

By vikingsfan619 | 5

#5830461 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Was the tattoo that he erected up to your standards?

wellthen7154 | 12

#5830479 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:45

Those standards are a bit too hard to cum up to.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5830530 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:50

those puns almost made me spit everywhere!

junkman6 | 22

#5830548 - Saturday 18 January 2014 3:19

Spitters never win!

wellthen7154 | 12

#5830565 - Saturday 18 January 2014 3:56

I will admit they are a bit tough to swallow.

bighood24 | 17

#5830744 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:32

spitters are quiters

By LinkandSaria | 10

#5830463 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Tattoo parlor's have seen lots.of things. Don't worry about it OP

By junkman6 | 22

#5830465 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Masochism is apparently your thing. Time to buy some latex suits and a cat o' nine.

J_Kertz | 14

#5830820 - Saturday 18 January 2014 8:09

And apparently a tattoo gun.

By NotMyDay5 | 13

#5830467 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Fifty Shades of tattoo

By krupa1017 | 18

#5830469 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Hey, whatever gets you through the pain. Lol