Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the...

By sausages - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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Health

Out of it

Not now!

All over the place

By Anonymous - United States

Unfair

Today, I got a call from work stating that my employment was being terminated. This was after being suspended while they investigated my sexual harassment claim. Their reason for firing me: misuse of company time. Yes, I suppose reporting being sexually harassed is a huge waste of time. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

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By VoiceMail - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00 - United States

Landlords are scum

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

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By vanessax - United States - Crown Point

Today, my seven-year-old told me to lose weight. Her reason? There's a family fun day coming up at her school and she is embarrassed. FML

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By anditburnsburnsburns - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

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By scaredscreenless - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

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By satega - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

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By nothing is sacred - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I caught my mom using my toothbrush and washcloth again, despite her having both her own bathroom and supplies. I asked her to please not use mine, to which she called me an ungrateful bitch. My dad agreed. Yet they wonder why I've been desperately saving money to move out. FML

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By dumb dancer - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so insecure that I was still slightly flattered when the demented old man at the nursing home where I work hit on me, because at least somebody finds me attractive. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered that I needed to reapply for my job in order to have a chance at keeping it. The applications closed yesterday. FML

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By nothisfault - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 02:01

Threesome weirdness

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

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By PookaKay02 - United States

Today, I realize that my boyfriend's breath quite literally smells like a sewer. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he tries to kiss me about every ten minutes, and I have to hold my breath. FML

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By nothreat33 - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister reading: "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She was right. FML

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By potatohead

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

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By a

Today, I learned that it's cute when a goat comes up to you and licks your face. That is, until you realize that goat was just eating poison ivy. FML

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By Jess - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

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By shreking_bawl - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

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By johnG - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

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By - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

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By Tired

Today, was my first day off in almost a month. My husband and I spent all morning arguing then he left to his job saying he won't be back tonight. Apparently I'm being neglectful because I don't have the energy for sex after being the only one working FT, cooking, cleaning, and running errands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

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By anugla - United States

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

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By Rae - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

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By oww - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

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By alanh69 - United States - Woodward

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

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By sore - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

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By spark - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

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By dancerr2210 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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By umbrella - United States

Today, a man held a door open for me while I fished my umbrella out of my very cluttered bag. As I was opening my umbrella, I turned to thank him for being such a gentleman. Instead, a tampon that had apparently wedged itself into the folds of my umbrella flew into his face. FML

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By - 21/12/2019 18:00

Not mine!

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 05:00

Nice pic

Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

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By staciedee - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

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By Munch - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Battleford

Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML

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Top comments

By anonymous_kenie | 7

#5830455 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Hey sometimes life is hard

By bloodierframe30 | 16

#5830456 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Wow. I'll call that a 'Hard' time

COMMENTS

By LinkandSaria | 10

#5830454 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

first

By anonymous_kenie | 7

#5830455 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Hey sometimes life is hard

vbzy | 11

#5830508 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:12

It has it's ups and downs, right OP?

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5830517 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:28

On the bright side, you now know you're a masochist!

omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5830580 - Saturday 18 January 2014 4:13

Haha lol. Life is "hard" what a great pun :P

VeganVampyre | 26

#5830595 - Saturday 18 January 2014 4:29

Wow, thank you, 55! None of us would have gotten that without you!

JustinKirby | 20

#5830769 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:58

I tried to find a way to fit the phrase "stuck Inbetween a rock and a hard place" in there but couldn't think of a clever pun.

Kain713 | 14

#5833003 - Monday 20 January 2014 9:59

Thanks Ted, that was the joke.

By bloodierframe30 | 16

#5830456 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:38

Wow. I'll call that a 'Hard' time

applebramble | 22

#5830657 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:09

Hmm OP likes to be dominated .

radwanov | 14

#5831357 - Saturday 18 January 2014 20:00

nah nah nah come on, come on, come on. i like it, like it
s s s & m m m :)

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5832905 - Monday 20 January 2014 6:55

At least now OP knows what he's into.

By xXxJaGsTeRxXx | 11

#5830458 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Get a tattoo on your junk next time! Wonder what will happen.

DarthMorlock | 9

#5830468 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

This reminds me of 21 jump street "we even had to get tatoos on out junks

ShadowSneaker360 | 16

#5830525 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:47

I heard a guy got a tattoo on his dick and now has a permanent erection.

liketenpandas | 6

#5832408 - Sunday 19 January 2014 19:54

I once heard this story... oh wait. no I didn't.

mallu86 | 9

#5832433 - Sunday 19 January 2014 20:39

#119 you must had a really rough childhood.

joeja69 | 6

#5837316 - Friday 24 January 2014 12:21

probably in the face lol

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5830459 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Whatever's comfortable

By vikingsfan619 | 5

#5830461 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:39

Was the tattoo that he erected up to your standards?

wellthen7154 | 12

#5830479 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:45

Those standards are a bit too hard to cum up to.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5830530 - Saturday 18 January 2014 2:50

those puns almost made me spit everywhere!

junkman6 | 22

#5830548 - Saturday 18 January 2014 3:19

Spitters never win!

wellthen7154 | 12

#5830565 - Saturday 18 January 2014 3:56

I will admit they are a bit tough to swallow.

bighood24 | 17

#5830744 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:32

spitters are quiters

By LinkandSaria | 10

#5830463 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Tattoo parlor's have seen lots.of things. Don't worry about it OP

By junkman6 | 22

#5830465 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Masochism is apparently your thing. Time to buy some latex suits and a cat o' nine.

J_Kertz | 14

#5830820 - Saturday 18 January 2014 8:09

And apparently a tattoo gun.

By NotMyDay5 | 13

#5830467 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Fifty Shades of tattoo

By krupa1017 | 18

#5830469 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:40

Hey, whatever gets you through the pain. Lol