Miscellaneous: Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied "An eyebrow wax?" FML

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Instadrama

Taking stock

Drained

By theguy24 - United States

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

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By eenkoekje

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Here I go again

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

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By brooke - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML

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By iamfab - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said he was busy and had to do homework. Since he never studies, I got suspicious and went to check up on him. I found him playing dress-up with his cat. He's 17. FML

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By popasquat

Today my roommate was taking forever in the shower. I had to pee like crazy. I danced around waiting and waiting. I couldn’t hold it anymore so I snuck out to the backyard to pop a squat. The relief hit me at the same time the realization that our landlord has security camera in the back yard...FML

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By FullOfNick - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By Blue Lemon - 13/12/2020 20:01

Assumptions

Today, I was at a job interview and thought the guy interviewing me was a bit of a perv because he kept staring down at my cleavage. Afterwards, I realised what he was really looking at: the wire in my bra had popped out and had been poking right through my shirt like a dagger. FML

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By cantstopfeelingit

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By grossedout

Today, I was walking back to my dorm with my boyfriend. He was being really sweet as he held my hand. We were about to kiss goodnight and as he pushed some hair out of my face he said, "Can we hurry it up? I'm about to rip one." FML

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By Jaxur05 - United States

Today, I get to stand in the unemployment line for the second time in a year because my company can't pay me. My parents own the company. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Euless

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

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By le_evan - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with this guy I had been crushing on for five years. It took longer to put my clothes back on than he lasted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

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By Backtoschool

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

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By Daddy - United States - Hialeah

Today, I discovered an effective form of body hair removal. I discovered that my three-year-old daughter is strong enough to pull off a major clump of my leg hair. FML

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By clo_bo

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my house was broken into. I'm really poor and don't have a television or nice clothing, so they just dumped my trash all over the house and stole my one loaf of bread that was supposed to last me for the week. FML

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By tuppu - Finland

Today, waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants me bad. I'm a woman, happily married to a man, and now have to turn her down somehow and not get fired in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 08:00

What a tool

Today, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me for the first time in years, because of the whole Covid-19 situation. Did he want to make sure I am okay? No. In fact, he didn't even ask about me. He just seemed to consider this the perfect opportunity to patronize me some more, and felt the need to tell me to "keep calm." FML

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By -1 friend - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML

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By lovethyneighbour - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

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By Applelover012 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By blank13 - United States

Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

All that time I'm never getting back

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

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By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

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By sarahrachel - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in the airport waiting to board, I got the sudden urge to pee, so I ran to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was about to burst. I was so focused on relieving my bladder that I failed to notice the diarrhea covering the toilet seat and the wall behind it until I was sitting in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 21:30

Climate change? What's that?

Today, our bathroom is so cold that my shea butter and homemade coconut oil toothpaste are too hard to get out of the jar. Yes, that’s the same room I get naked in twice a day. FML

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By aaannnddd there goes my boner - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

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By LadyJ - United States - Minneapolis

Little shit

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a picture of me in what I thought was a sexy skintight dress. He responded by saying "it's ok, I went through a pudgy stage too". The picture was from Saturday night. FML

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By babydoll - United Kingdom

Today, I was traveling by bus. There were no spare seats, so I stood next to a seated lady. When she got off at her stop, I was amused because her bum made the shape of a mushroom on the seat. I went to sit on it. So I'm sitting there when I realise the seat is really warm... and wet. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#651125 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:22

Were you expecting "Blowjob?"

Hey, she just spotted an obvious problem and suggested an easy fix.

By LoveDemon | 19

#651105 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:09

try getting a better pick-up line next time ...

COMMENTS

By cerebellum_fml | 0

#651087 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:04

mono brow

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#651149 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:40

What were you expecting "sammich"?

YDI

Reply

tko | 0

#651162 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:46

okay the_pleb, you're already #11, did you really need to reply to get even further up top? thats so f*cking annoying, why do you care if peopl say your name first??

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#651211 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:13

Your #13, unlucky

Now go get your girlfriend to get you a sammich and a chillax pill

Reply

TheLetterZero | 7

#651318 - Monday 2 November 2009 22:33

Pleb, quit being a retard.

Reply

Flamersplamer | 0

#651346 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:01

moron can't help it, it is a pleb.

Reply

CFR | 0

#653995 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:54

What on earth is a pleb?
Lol at you OP. What sort of response were you expecting?

Reply

sicpupyz122 | 0

#883496 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 1:32

ooooo

By SueSylvester_fan | 0

#651101 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:08

Smooth move, ex-lax. hahah! I always wanted to say that

Reply

wyld3fyr3 | 3

#651280 - Monday 2 November 2009 22:03

feels great to say dosen't it?

By LoveDemon | 19

#651105 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:09

try getting a better pick-up line next time ...

Reply

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1005021 - Monday 24 May 2010 6:43

sad

By Drakon_fml | 7

#651112 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:11

Well, did you get the brow wax?

By Ligerie | 0

#651122 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:20

What was you're follow up line going to be if she said "I don't know" or something?

By perdix | 29

#651125 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:22

Were you expecting "Blowjob?"

Hey, she just spotted an obvious problem and suggested an easy fix.

By elliekinslurvsya | 0

#651130 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:27

haha fail
but hey just because you have bad eyebrows doesn't mean you're ugly or anything...look at old pictures of george harrison, his eyebrows were a disaster, but he was still gorgeous(=

By tko | 0

#651155 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:43

this makes me want a "no one cares" button

Reply

machete_fml | 0

#651217 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:21

more like WTF where's the punchline

Reply

Exhumed | 0

#651549 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:30

this

Reply

thats_my_job | 11

#3821661 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:25

Seriously.

By gdb3 | 0

#651174 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:54

that suck

By john_bell | 0

#651184 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:56

I think she likes you