Miscellaneous: Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied "An eyebrow wax?" FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Season finale

You tried

By mylifeisfed - United States

Today, I encountered one of my professors from college. Back when I was in his game theory class, he publicly criticized me for falling asleep and not paying attention, to which I retaliated by acing all of his exams. Four years and a degree later, I met him again... while working at Pizza Hut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

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By Alice - United States - Logan

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

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By Anonymous - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 02:01 - United States

Whipping boy

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

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By Arabian_Soap - 31/5/2021 16:01 - Australia - Mermaid Beach

Grab it while you can

Today, I was walking through a rich part of the city and saw 2 dollars on the ground. I didn't pick it so people wouldn't think I was poor. FML

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By Wrongtoilet - Singapore

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

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By Jack - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I hear "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

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By cloudberry - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

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By shanson - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

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By bitchimgay - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

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By why... - United States

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

You tried

Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML

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By Loose Ends - United States - Waltham

Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

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By ICallBullshxt

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By are you kidding me - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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By Dying Whale

Today, I tried singing in front of my friend. She said, "That's a hilarious voice! You should use that voice when telling jokes!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

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By dhbeaver - United States

Today, while coming out of Walmart, I dropped a $50 bill. Some kid came running up after me yelling, "Hey mister, you dropped this!" as he ran past me laughing. FML

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By TheaterMom - Germany

Today, after two months of rehersals, an actor in my theater company decided he was unhappy with the role I gave him, so he refuses to perform. We open tonight. FML

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By toni405 - United States

Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fancy rubber phone case did its job and saved my phone from damage when I dropped it on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately, it was rather useless after the massive bounce it took before landing in the toilet. FML

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By allocomrade - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

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By misshb - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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By RuasaLove - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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By headache

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

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By Randall - United States

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

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By Clumsy

Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML

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By well okay then - United States

You tried

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

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By bym

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

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By Anemity_is_my_name - 7/1/2021 14:01 - United States

Compassion

Today, I'm exhausted and sore from a long night of pulling semis out of the snow. My wife is pissed because I want to sleep, instead of be with her. Every time I drift off, she starts doing things like loudly unloading the dishwasher or standing by our bedroom door talking loudly on the phone. FML

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By Juliet

Today, I auditioned for my school's production of Romeo and Juliet. When they announced that I got the part as Juliet, all the guys auditioning for Romeo suddenly disappeared. FML

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By Man Shamed - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after months of busting our asses and working round the clock on our latest project, I and the whole office just got bad news: when our boss promised extremely generous bonuses for doing all this, he was point-blank lying, and intended to take credit for our work all along. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#651125 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:22

Were you expecting "Blowjob?"

Hey, she just spotted an obvious problem and suggested an easy fix.

By LoveDemon | 19

#651105 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:09

try getting a better pick-up line next time ...

COMMENTS

By cerebellum_fml | 0

#651087 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:04

mono brow

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#651149 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:40

What were you expecting "sammich"?

YDI

Reply

tko | 0

#651162 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:46

okay the_pleb, you're already #11, did you really need to reply to get even further up top? thats so f*cking annoying, why do you care if peopl say your name first??

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#651211 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:13

Your #13, unlucky

Now go get your girlfriend to get you a sammich and a chillax pill

Reply

TheLetterZero | 7

#651318 - Monday 2 November 2009 22:33

Pleb, quit being a retard.

Reply

Flamersplamer | 0

#651346 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:01

moron can't help it, it is a pleb.

Reply

CFR | 0

#653995 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:54

What on earth is a pleb?
Lol at you OP. What sort of response were you expecting?

Reply

sicpupyz122 | 0

#883496 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 1:32

ooooo

By SueSylvester_fan | 0

#651101 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:08

Smooth move, ex-lax. hahah! I always wanted to say that

Reply

wyld3fyr3 | 3

#651280 - Monday 2 November 2009 22:03

feels great to say dosen't it?

By LoveDemon | 19

#651105 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:09

try getting a better pick-up line next time ...

Reply

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1005021 - Monday 24 May 2010 6:43

sad

By Drakon_fml | 7

#651112 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:11

Well, did you get the brow wax?

By Ligerie | 0

#651122 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:20

What was you're follow up line going to be if she said "I don't know" or something?

By perdix | 29

#651125 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:22

Were you expecting "Blowjob?"

Hey, she just spotted an obvious problem and suggested an easy fix.

By elliekinslurvsya | 0

#651130 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:27

haha fail
but hey just because you have bad eyebrows doesn't mean you're ugly or anything...look at old pictures of george harrison, his eyebrows were a disaster, but he was still gorgeous(=

By tko | 0

#651155 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:43

this makes me want a "no one cares" button

Reply

machete_fml | 0

#651217 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:21

more like WTF where's the punchline

Reply

Exhumed | 0

#651549 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:30

this

Reply

thats_my_job | 11

#3821661 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:25

Seriously.

By gdb3 | 0

#651174 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:54

that suck

By john_bell | 0

#651184 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:56

I think she likes you