Today, I went to buy my prom dress. I felt really good as I walked...

By draggirl - 13/10/2009 17:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to buy my prom dress. I felt really good as I walked out of the dressing room, until someone walked out of the room next to me wearing the same dress, and looked better in it than I did. It was a man buying it for his drag show. FML

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Miscellaneous

Higher standards

Territorial pissings

Great speech, thanks!

By bear - 26/3/2013 11:40 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my daughter got selected to pick music for a funeral. She only listens to Nikki Minaj. FML

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By helenablitz - 28/8/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2018 12:00

Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

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By driverboy - 31/12/2015 08:08 - United States

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

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By StupidPets - 24/8/2016 03:09 - United States - Murrysville

Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML

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By junkie - 18/12/2012 18:28 - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By Beard - 8/11/2016 11:14

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

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By Annonymous - 18/10/2012 14:41 - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - 10/7/2016 18:43 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By Prinpette - 20/9/2011 21:20 - France

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

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By WorthLessThanACareer - 21/6/2016 12:57

Today, the guy I've been dating said we couldn't see each other anymore because he needed to focus on his career. He's unemployed. FML

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By jackie89 - 10/8/2014 19:26 - United Kingdom - Redruth

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

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By anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:23 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

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By toe - 3/2/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2019 06:00

Today, I learned I'm getting kicked out of the house for NOT dropping out of college. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2012 20:41 - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2012 04:16 - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2016 16:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

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By skinnybitch - 11/12/2012 18:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

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By Brittanyy_leigh - 17/12/2009 07:57 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

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By MumMatters - 9/9/2016 10:26 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

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By Disappointed - 31/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2015 10:33 - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By rejected - 28/7/2014 22:09 - United States - Milpitas

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML

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By titsmcgee - 11/2/2015 21:51 - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

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By AnonCat - 21/1/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

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By fuck my goddamn life - 15/2/2014 20:51 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a hotel with my psychotic mom, all because she swore there were "demonic" noises coming from our oven. Yeah, our oven is totally possessed, you idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2019 06:01

Cool kid

Today, I found out why everyone stares at my car when I turn a corner. My power steering squeals, and it sounds like a screaming child. I don't have enough money to fix it right now. FML

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By Fried. - 14/5/2019 16:00

Oh nose!

Today, I woke up to the smell of cooking bacon. As I walked down my stairs towards my kitchen, I realised that the smell wasn't coming from bacon, but from my kitchen being on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML

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By burgeee - 18/3/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

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By Lunazel93 - 22/10/2012 04:07 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, at work as a massage therapist, I pulled down the guy's blanket slightly to massage his lower back. There were shit stains spreading from his ass crack all the way to his mid-back. When I told him, he wanted me to massage there anyway. FML

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By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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By elow72 - 19/2/2016 21:47 - United States - Nashua

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

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By Hollywoodanonymous - 31/10/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

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By WaitingByThePhone - 9/7/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

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By NoMoreHeadphones - 8/9/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 03:07 - China

Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#620214 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:36

Just put a sausage and a couple of plums in your panties and you'll look just as good in that dress as he does!

By baby610 | 4

#2398034 - Sunday 24 April 2011 15:29

hard to beleive your a pastor...

COMMENTS

By mastory96 | 0

#620077 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:08

so take your anger inverted towards yourself for not fitting well in a dress and LEARN TO SPELL.

leero | 0

#620229 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:57

well their spelling is fine, but their grammar sucks.

voodootrucker | 0

#620561 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 15:54

think of something original to say,correcting grammar and spelling is for boring assholes

Sasoono | 1

#2421790 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:49

take the time to figure out what you're about to type before you do anything, it saves face. :)

KuroTori | 2

#3173131 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 14:31

Lulz. You're a bit of an idiot

By WTF_its_emmy | 0

#620078 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:13

go homos xD

they're the best
the rock it the best :D

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1388840 - Saturday 11 September 2010 22:22

that was gay

Dadothy | 8

#3912457 - Friday 20 January 2012 5:16

Maybe he was just really pretty?

stormfyre | 13

#6215056 - Thursday 26 February 2015 21:04

Drag queens aren't always gay.

By Pastor_Rich | 0

#620080 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:16

beaten by a drag queen, shave your unibrow and get a boob job

baby610 | 4

#2398034 - Sunday 24 April 2011 15:29

hard to beleive your a pastor...

ItsOkayImWhite | 0

#2489267 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 18:12

^hahaha, this.

captaincutie | 1

#2897672 - Friday 15 July 2011 14:15

I can't believe you a pastor ... AN OLD PASTOR AT THAT . Is saying that ... WTF has the world come to ?!

myaccount235 | 3

#2916398 - Sunday 17 July 2011 22:05

Wiiiiin

masterofflight | 8

#5517397 - Sunday 2 June 2013 11:24

just because his nickname includes pastor doesn't mean he's a real pastor guys...I mean there are also 13 year olds who name themeselves "mister big cock" or something like this ;)