Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something...

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:24 - Ireland

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18072

You deserved it

61067

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Work name

Sewer monster

Ant life

By queenmabby - 16/1/2019 12:00

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2103

You deserved it

211

Favorite

By cougar26 - 24/9/2015 16:42 - United States - Pullman

Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24918

You deserved it

1477

Favorite

By noraidk - 26/5/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, a few friends and I ran through sprinklers at our school until we were all soaked. Then we were told that they put fertilizer in the water. I'm soaked in manure. Now I know why it tasted weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12751

You deserved it

41712

Favorite

By MALICEG - 26/5/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22405

You deserved it

4736

Favorite

By Mc2013 - 12/10/2014 17:38 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39843

You deserved it

4181

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11058

You deserved it

35778

Favorite

By Blueshock08 - 23/2/2012 07:03 - United States

Today, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you've screwed a satellite dish onto the side of your house, it won't stop the wind the ripping it off and taking half the wall with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25228

You deserved it

2996

Favorite

By motherless - 30/1/2013 03:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30610

You deserved it

2797

Favorite

By bleach bleach bleach - 22/12/2013 17:22 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56494

You deserved it

7661

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/3/2012 23:51 - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7818

You deserved it

32773

Favorite

By imma ture - 10/8/2015 17:04

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21820

You deserved it

6034

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26399

You deserved it

3336

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/9/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41683

You deserved it

13582

Favorite

By scaredtosleep - 24/9/2009 09:50 - United Kingdom

Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML

I agree, your life sucks

67689

You deserved it

2895

Favorite

By naps aren't what they used to be - 27/4/2013 22:05 - United States

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42990

You deserved it

25859

Favorite

By pop - 29/12/2009 01:41 - France

Today, my best friend invited me to dinner at his house. When I went to the toilet, I found my wife's wedding ring in a cup, which she'd lost a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40787

You deserved it

1987

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13477

You deserved it

79162

Favorite

By CASH_NoMOMEY - 7/5/2015 05:12 - United States - Windsor

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30473

You deserved it

5567

Favorite

By sobasics - 6/5/2013 23:43 - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47298

You deserved it

3699

Favorite

By single and unbuggered - 31/7/2015 21:04 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He didn't break down into tears, or say he'd made a huge mistake, or even apologise. No, he just looked up and said "Bugger." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27169

You deserved it

2243

Favorite

By stoolgal - 23/9/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11399

You deserved it

1415

Favorite

By Thay - 1/9/2016 22:28 - United States

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13827

You deserved it

1648

Favorite

By thanks, fuckface - 16/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40994

You deserved it

4122

Favorite

By bewitched and bothered - 2/2/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36369

You deserved it

2590

Favorite

By idislikeblanks - 30/1/2013 07:03 - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35754

You deserved it

4090

Favorite

By Shelly - 13/6/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I pulled over to have sex in his mother's car. It was going great until I leaned back onto the horn, waking up our whole neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12032

You deserved it

46003

Favorite

By Nomoretexting - 1/11/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33277

You deserved it

2574

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38608

You deserved it

4144

Favorite

By Sugao - 10/12/2008 07:48 - France

Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37862

You deserved it

7500

Favorite

By Shaun - 16/6/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88168

You deserved it

6113

Favorite

By idiot - 24/1/2013 19:53 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I took a swig of lemonade from my cup, only to feel something hard in my mouth. Thinking it was a roach or something, I freaked out and spat out the drink. I doused my laptop and soaked myself in the process, only to find out it was a small ice-cube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11531

You deserved it

40172

Favorite

By bready - 16/2/2009 13:01 - United States

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10832

You deserved it

71880

Favorite

By anonymous - 7/6/2012 11:00 - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23496

You deserved it

3677

Favorite

By Hatty - 14/3/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13620

You deserved it

23555

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 14:11

Free healthcare for all

Today, I had to attend an appointment and was told I should be prepared to be in hospital all day, so I booked a day off work. The appointment was trivial and lasted 10 minutes. I work paycheque to paycheque to feed myself and 2 kids, and even missing one day will hurt by the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1701

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By dck128 - 29/8/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26504

You deserved it

3044

Favorite

By Alissa - 29/6/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47619

You deserved it

6887

Favorite

By nja - 12/7/2020 23:01

Socializing

Today, it's the first day in 14 weeks I've got dressed up and gone out anywhere other than to go food shopping. Shame it’s to attend a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1435

You deserved it

108

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1047

You deserved it

754

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/10/2016 14:09 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14103

You deserved it

3541

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By emer_helena | 0

#206547 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:17

It's your sister, you shouldn't need to search for something to say. You should just argue about the first thing that comes to mind like most siblings!

By greendaygirl999 | 5

#959096 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 21:18

Burgled?

COMMENTS

By drano | 0

#206513 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:09

wow

By paperfox_fml | 0

#206516 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:09

You kind of fail. =/

greendaygirl999 | 5

#959096 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 21:18

Burgled?

ilikepie789 | 0

#974278 - Monday 5 April 2010 6:30

is that even a word?

hellokittywhore | 0

#982431 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 9:44

I don't think it is, I think it Is burglarized. don't wanna be the next snckerdoddle tho.
lol I love that show but apperently not as much as you do, ya freak!!! lol jkk

blankaex | 0

#1037258 - Sunday 20 June 2010 17:01

British: Burgled
American: Burglarized

TheMegaFridge | 0

#1717191 - Thursday 18 November 2010 7:03

yeah what ever happend to that bitch anyway?

By himan235 | 0

#206521 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:11

fail you have no friends

By may_cause_fail | 0

#206526 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:12

YDI for watching Desperate Housewives.

Double YDI for not being able to remember that it's a TV show.

noobgang7 | 5

#895999 - Saturday 27 February 2010 3:14

hey I love that show

perfectbride14 | 7

#4954870 - Friday 21 September 2012 5:34

Hey it's an amazing show!!

By guitardedman | 0

#206527 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:12

hmm perhaps leave the house and socialize once in a while?
if you can't separate things youve seen on tv from your actual life, your shit is weak and needs to change

By kfnnnp | 0

#206542 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:16

Wow. Your life really is fucked. Not because of the one event, just your life in general, if you know what i mean =/

By lazyyygirl | 0

#206543 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:16

yeah, and my best friend is tila tequila. Oh those crazy nights we've had, like when she picked bobby to be her boyfriend! Good times, good times.

By onemoreweekend | 0

#206544 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:16

O_o

uhm......

just.....wow

By jakerman3 | 0

#206545 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:17

i agree with #5

By emer_helena | 0

#206547 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:17

It's your sister, you shouldn't need to search for something to say. You should just argue about the first thing that comes to mind like most siblings!