Intimacy: Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with... - FML

By willywonks - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

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Late term

Walk on the wild side

Season finale

By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseburg

Today, I went camping with my family. While I was using the shower house, my sister decided it'd be hilarious to run off with my clothes and towel. I ran back to the camper, completely naked, only for my parents to bitch me out for streaking. FML

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By pennyhater - United States

Today, I was locked inside my dorm room. Yeah, inside. How? Some of my floormates decided to stick pennies in the door frame, which jammed the handle. I was stuck inside my room and had to pee really bad. I couldn't call an RA to get me out either. Why? I am the RA. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By alsayslegit - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

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By pop, pop - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By nobieb - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

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By MyLyfeSux - United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

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By nicole - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous

Had any calls lately?

Today, I noticed that all 200 remaining business cards out of the 500 that I had made have the wrong phone number on them. FML

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By Toothless - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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By Vassy - Canada - Montreal

Today, I made a positive remark to the owner of my local groceries store for employing a special needs girl. Not only is the girl not mentally handicapped, she's also the owner's daughter. FML

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By pinecones - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

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By kellyem2

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

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By rivercitybarf - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came out as transgender to my extremely accepting and religious family over Facebook. My feed is currently flooded with plans for my exorcism. FML

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By Miami6and3 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I asked my mom if I was ugly. She said, "Ask your girlfriend." I said I don't have one. She said "Exactly." FML

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By JellicleCat - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Insane click. He’s just as in love with me. He’s also got a condition I research in my job. It’s literally unethical for us to date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my building never received my rent check. Now not only do I have to pay a $40 late fee, but also a $40 fee to stop the payment of the check that went god knows where. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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By Anonymous

TFI Friday

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

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By what did I do? - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

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By notacreeper

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was "Does she know?" FML

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By Derp McShitstain - United Kingdom - Saint Helens

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend, when he suggested that I might want to buy a new loofah. When I asked why, he admitted he's been using it to scrub his ass crack for weeks. I use that loofah to wash my face. FML

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By thxmom - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

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By okay - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

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By masterdisaster - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

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By This guy - United States - Jackson

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

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By Anonyme - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By jlover42 - United States

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

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By Milo - Canada

Looks to Die For...

Today, my six-year-old son told me my makeup looks like his grandmother's did in the casket. FML

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By sadparty - United States

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

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By JoshTheUnluckyFromKentucky - United States - Folsom

Today, I got on the bus to go to work. I managed to get a seat, but an old lady who looked tired had to stand. I offered her my seat, but she glared at me, frowned and said, "Go fuck yourself." Everyone laughed as I sat there in dismay. FML

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By Deaththreat101 - United States - Evanston

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

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Top comments

By TEAZO | 0

#47468 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:04

oh damn cheating on you the whole time.

im sorry im sure u can do better.

By summer_spell | 0

#47490 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:12

what a bitch.
hope you know how many girls wished to have a boyfriend who surprised them like that.

COMMENTS

By TEAZO | 0

#47468 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:04

oh damn cheating on you the whole time.

im sorry im sure u can do better.

Reply

jadore_me | 0

#465906 - Friday 7 August 2009 10:58

tht bitch.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#967606 - Thursday 25 March 2010 2:05

rip her tits off and glue 'em to his eyes :)

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2404627 - Monday 25 April 2011 22:33

throw the flowers at his face

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2491673 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 4:35

*slap*

Reply

zakkyzebra | 11

#2747891 - Friday 24 June 2011 10:33

"Just me, bitch- I mean baby!"

By mastercrammer | 0

#47477 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:07

Agree with #1. I'm sure there's someone else worthy of you and all your effort.

By goosemanrocks | 0

#47478 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:08

OUCH! i had to read that one a few times to get it. why would anyone DO that!?

By summer_spell | 0

#47490 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:12

what a bitch.
hope you know how many girls wished to have a boyfriend who surprised them like that.

Reply

MrsCunny | 1

#4018775 - Friday 10 February 2012 21:15

So true

By greenman_fml | 0

#47495 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:14

sounds like a three-some opportunity to me. you said he was handsome...

Reply

chungy92 | 5

#1128691 - Friday 23 July 2010 15:24

you pervert..

By alex_vik | 0

#47498 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:15

I wonder what that guy thought when he found out why you were there.

By RHK_fml | 0

#47507 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:16

Seems like YOU were the one who got the surprise...

By soxgrl33 | 0

#47519 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:21

I agree with #4.

By your_boss | 0

#47535 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:25

dude dont call ur rival in love "handsom"

and ur girlfriend's a bitch lol

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#4828210 - Saturday 18 August 2012 2:59

Rival?.. As if you're supposed to fight over someone who cheats on you, you don't.. You just walk away, or beat the shit out of both of them!

Reply

Narutosuns2fan | 12

#5575499 - Thursday 11 July 2013 19:28

The guy did nothing wrong if he didn't know about the relationship, his girlfriend is the bitch here,

By giganoodle | 0

#47542 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:29

Is it just me, or do we start to make big romantic gestures right when we subconsciously sense our relationships going down the tubes?