Intimacy: Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with... - FML

By willywonks - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

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This Charming Man

Live dumping

Don't shoot the messenger

By PartyPooped

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I attempted to score with a previous friend-with-benefits by sending her a photo of my Christmas present, bondage rope. She arrived an hour later in a mad panic. She thought I was going to hang myself. FML

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By bureaucracy - United States - Bellingham

Today I went to the bus station to pick up a lost phone. Even after calling ahead the day before, I was turned away because I hadn't e-mailed. The website says to call and doesn't list an e-mail. I still don't have the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML

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By _Emilyy - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By sorry - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

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By Skankeriffic - United States

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant. They yelled at me until I started crying. I'm 31, married, and I have a good paying job. FML

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By cmart_9 - United States - Clayton

Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

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By julian

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

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By Renderfist

Today, I had to comfort my wife after she found out that her boyfriend wasn't faithful to her. FML

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By deli Shoppe - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 17:06

Bismillah no!

Today, my dad forbade me from playing or listening to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

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By bananamuffin - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By swana99 - United States - Woburn

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

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By PrinceOfBritain - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

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By sam - 2/12/2020 23:01

Connecting people

Today, I learned that the person my ex-girlfriend left me for is my ex-girlfriend from before her. FML

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By dearme - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 11:02

Worst threesome ever

Today, I finally got pulled into a threesome with the girl I've loved for years and another friend. She led the interaction with, "You only get to touch her" then, "I just wish [her ex] was here" and finished with, "OK, it's weird with you here, you can just go." FML

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By WritesTooWell - United States - Miami

Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Please don't do this

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By T.T - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée broke up with me because of an argument about a printer. FML

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By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Narcissist

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 11:01

Technology hates humans

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

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By Unknown - United States - Lamoni

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By Addianna - Canada - Edmonton

Today, and every day this week, my office mate has decided to "liven up the place" by singing and whistling Christmas tunes and other unknown songs. She has zero musical ability. FML

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By Thescarlettfox

Monster in my bathroom

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Pay up!

Today, while driving on the tollway my car overheated and died a few yards from the toll booth. I then had to wait, crying, in my smoking car for a patrol guy while cars moved around me. He had to push me through the toll and the lady in the booth said she felt sorry for me but still took my $3. FML

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By superfreak6 - United States - New Orleans

Today, after fishing for 5 hours, I finally caught a respectable-sized fish. I ran to my truck to grab the scale, and then I saw my friend laughing hysterically while holding an empty net. Apparently, the only catch of our day jumped out of the net during the 15 seconds I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you're going to pour bleach on bugs to kill them, you need to be prepared for them to fly up and try to attack your face. FML

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By wtf - United States - Oxford

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML

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By sad and hungry - United States - Hackensack

Today, I'm getting over a nasty breakup, and decided to treat myself and order a pizza online. After waiting 45 minutes, I checked the site. Turns out, I'd forgotten to change the address on the site. I sent my ex a free pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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By humbug - United States - Broomfield

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML

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Top comments

By TEAZO | 0

#47468 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:04

oh damn cheating on you the whole time.

im sorry im sure u can do better.

By summer_spell | 0

#47490 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:12

what a bitch.
hope you know how many girls wished to have a boyfriend who surprised them like that.

COMMENTS

By TEAZO | 0

#47468 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:04

oh damn cheating on you the whole time.

im sorry im sure u can do better.

Reply

jadore_me | 0

#465906 - Friday 7 August 2009 10:58

tht bitch.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#967606 - Thursday 25 March 2010 2:05

rip her tits off and glue 'em to his eyes :)

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2404627 - Monday 25 April 2011 22:33

throw the flowers at his face

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2491673 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 4:35

*slap*

Reply

zakkyzebra | 11

#2747891 - Friday 24 June 2011 10:33

"Just me, bitch- I mean baby!"

By mastercrammer | 0

#47477 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:07

Agree with #1. I'm sure there's someone else worthy of you and all your effort.

By goosemanrocks | 0

#47478 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:08

OUCH! i had to read that one a few times to get it. why would anyone DO that!?

By summer_spell | 0

#47490 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:12

what a bitch.
hope you know how many girls wished to have a boyfriend who surprised them like that.

Reply

MrsCunny | 1

#4018775 - Friday 10 February 2012 21:15

So true

By greenman_fml | 0

#47495 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:14

sounds like a three-some opportunity to me. you said he was handsome...

Reply

chungy92 | 5

#1128691 - Friday 23 July 2010 15:24

you pervert..

By alex_vik | 0

#47498 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:15

I wonder what that guy thought when he found out why you were there.

By RHK_fml | 0

#47507 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:16

Seems like YOU were the one who got the surprise...

By soxgrl33 | 0

#47519 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:21

I agree with #4.

By your_boss | 0

#47535 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:25

dude dont call ur rival in love "handsom"

and ur girlfriend's a bitch lol

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#4828210 - Saturday 18 August 2012 2:59

Rival?.. As if you're supposed to fight over someone who cheats on you, you don't.. You just walk away, or beat the shit out of both of them!

Reply

Narutosuns2fan | 12

#5575499 - Thursday 11 July 2013 19:28

The guy did nothing wrong if he didn't know about the relationship, his girlfriend is the bitch here,

By giganoodle | 0

#47542 - Saturday 21 March 2009 16:29

Is it just me, or do we start to make big romantic gestures right when we subconsciously sense our relationships going down the tubes?