Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because... - FML

By M - 23/5/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

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Dangling modifier

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Goodbye Bill

By das_shizzle - 2/5/2020 05:00

Entitled bitch

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

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By Justkillme - 15/11/2018 03:00

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

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By okaythen - 14/8/2016 19:21 - United States - Euless

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By gan-1991 - 15/6/2020 23:01

It's called caring, OK?

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

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By jaleesadavis21 - 18/10/2011 13:25 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2012 18:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the gnat infestation in my dorm room was not caused by the recent cool weather, but rather the rotten pear I found under my roommates bed. FML

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By desperate - 26/9/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, I was going through my mom's old yearbook. There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother's crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. I am deeply scarred forever. FML

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By Spider fail - 31/5/2016 19:06 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By management - 21/2/2014 02:31 - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2013 14:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 01:52 - United States

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

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By jcesom - 1/8/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By Username - 16/2/2012 23:30 - United States

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

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By watchmaker - 16/12/2009 09:37 - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I decided to head out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

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By HolyRavioli - 21/3/2016 17:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

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By YahItsMe94 - 25/6/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

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By cydia123 - 10/5/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

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By Sherlock - 3/2/2010 16:02 - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

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By ksa - 4/8/2015 19:06 - Poland - Katowice

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 04:12 - Canada - Kingston

Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 11:45 - Australia

Today, my brother flicked a huge bug onto my foot, making me freak out and fall into my outdoors pool. The water was so cold that I started hyperventilating. My brother left to "get help". I finally managed to get out, and found him watching TV. FML

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By Leftattheairport - 9/2/2019 18:00

Today, I went to pick up my long distance boyfriend at the airport. It has been over six months since I last saw him and four days since I last heard from him. He never showed up. FML

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By seriously - 14/4/2018 01:30

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

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By MJB - 2/4/2017 22:00

Today, as a 17-year-old, after having gone to the doctor to about some unusual hair loss, it turns out I simply have crappy genetics, and should expect to be fully bald within a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 05:30

Stay safe, stay home

Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

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By slaughterteddy - 20/7/2016 23:23 - United States

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

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By WtfDoIDo?! - 2/7/2019 04:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she wants to marry me and have my children. I’m 15. We've been dating for 3 weeks. FML

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By Spencer - 6/12/2018 12:30

Today, I decided to try an online therapy site seeing as I have been feeling very lonely and don’t have any friends to talk to about my issues. After filling out all the initial forms, the site told me there was no one available to speak to me. FML

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By ftt - 6/12/2016 15:22

Today, Facebook notified me a "friend" had tagged me in one of his photos. It was a group photo of 20, but my face was the only one that was intentionally blocked out with an emoji because I "didn't belong in the group." FML

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By Kramer - 16/2/2012 12:49 - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

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By Quin - 31/5/2019 14:00

Today, I was running around the track at school PE with a lot of other students. I noticed a guy who smelled really bad and I thought to myself how disgusting that was and I felt bad for him. Later, I was changing and caught a whiff of my shirt. It wasn't him who was smelly. FML

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By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

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By Till We Pass Out - 3/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

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By facepalm - 27/2/2012 11:06 - United States

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

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By Your ass... Grab it... - 4/7/2013 22:30 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 10:48

Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML

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Top comments

By Rynk95 | 11

#2554967 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:56

Poor man. You made him feel sorry for nothing.

By EricaCookies | 0

#2555210 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:27

It was the "!!!" and "LOL" that killed it for me.

COMMENTS

By ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#2554958 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:56

does anyone know where to buy a bump key?

Reply

tpreston | 0

#2555037 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:01

a what?

Reply

ahole123 | 0

#2555107 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:10

You don't buy them, you make them

Reply

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#2555146 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:17

sounds hard. a

Reply

unhappybitch | 8

#2555154 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:19

Go to YouTube and type in " how to make a bump key"

Reply

simply_improper | 1

#2555216 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:28

dont you jus shave it down?

Reply

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2555421 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:05

Just break in I mean it is your place too lol

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2555481 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:17

maybe this is a sign from God that your boyfrien should not have your house key. maybe you will find him in bed with another woman.

Reply

chuckychan | 8

#2555810 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:51

and he will have to sleep on the couch! bitches!!

Reply

CorpLaw77 | 3

#2556071 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 3:16

I'm a locksmith and I can tell you straight up that bump keys are a joke.. it takes so much time and practice to even attempt to use them and they only work like 2% of the time. the people with videos online have the locks modified to make it look super easy

By max_wilder | 9

#2554961 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:56

well then

Reply

Keffin | 0

#2555127 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:13

at least op didn't make the same mistake twi- oh wait..

Reply

sterlingarcher | 1

#2556400 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 4:58

um no..

Reply

livin_plur | 0

#2556659 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:18

um yes

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#2556811 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 7:21

ummmm im lost 0.o

Reply

snickerz01 | 0

#2563678 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 21:12

i lost the game. dam u.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6005680 - Saturday 12 July 2014 6:03

wouldn't it be three times?

By pman590 | 8

#2554965 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:56

Sounds like a sticKEY situation!!!! LOL

Reply

cgchamp89 | 7

#2555041 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:01

um no...

Reply

logo79 | 0

#2555074 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:05

ur a failure

Reply

Jeremy0614 | 0

#2555099 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:09

no need to be mean now. at least he tried

Reply

EricaCookies | 0

#2555210 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:27

It was the "!!!" and "LOL" that killed it for me.

Reply

GeraldisTheG | 3

#2555276 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:41

fail

Reply

tasiamalaysia | 0

#2555782 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:40

agreed. I hate over use of exclamations points. and Capitol lol's!!!! LOL

Reply

Billyfofilly | 0

#2556244 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 4:10

Go die.

Reply

R4P7OR | 2

#2556354 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 4:48

idiot

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#2556418 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:04

your failed attempt at a joke makes me want to jump out of a window on a 50th floor apartment.

Reply

HannahLouise96 | 13

#2558665 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 20:33

*crickets chirp as tumbleweed goes by*.....
-_-

By Rynk95 | 11

#2554967 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:56

Poor man. You made him feel sorry for nothing.

Reply

CareFace | 16

#2556053 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 3:13

March up and apologize to the poor man.

By Dragokillz | 0

#2554975 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:56

omfg u noob.

lol jks, FYL.

Reply

BBBBOOOOYYYU | 3

#2555282 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:41

says the one with the stupid and uneducated picture

Reply

didijustdie | 0

#2555492 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:18

nah, he spelled "stupid and uneducated" right.

Reply

m0rgana | 0

#2555541 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:30

lol i was about to say the same thing to him

Reply

atomicbaboon | 0

#2557955 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 16:51

his picture is from the best movie of all time. you're stupid and uneducated of you can't embrace Jim Carrey's genius.

By ZoZo17_fml | 0

#2554978 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:57

then, how many times have you copied the other key because it didn't fit in your car door?

Reply

luna4545 | 4

#2555483 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:17

that make no sense consider it is a get for their APARTMENT door.

By catrav77 | 0

#2554980 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:57

*facepalm*

By instnt1nfction | 17

#2554982 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:57

try again

By zachhasse | 0

#2554984 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:57

Your so stupid. Check the key before you go retard.

Reply

catrav77 | 0

#2555131 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:14

Well that was an unnecessary comment...

Reply

fthku | 13

#2555369 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:58

What our you talking about, Pendatik? they're is know irony in there comments.

Reply

lerouxmaster | 7

#2555458 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:13

Hits okay, wheel fore give u.

Reply

fthku | 13

#2555488 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:18

*Must of. Your starting to slip, pendatik, that's to unlike you.
You can't afford to make mistake's.

You're probably right, Pendatik, but it doesn't really matter.

Reply

Djzom13 | 0

#2556404 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 4:59

I wood just like two think you guys four making me laff. And OP is stupid, correct; however, I think that your error may have made your comment invalid. Sorry to disappoint you.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2556483 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:24

You guise are retardant.

Reply

lerouxmaster | 7

#2556508 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:33

Did you just shove a kitten up your ass ?

Reply

Djzom13 | 0

#2556612 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:06

No, 97 you just don't know when someone is telling a joke. Obviously we all aren't that stupid as to typing like that. Learn to laugh, then you can open your mouth.

Reply

livin_plur | 0

#2556678 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:23

100 you confuse me I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2556745 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:42

#100- Slow down buddy, I was obviously playing along. If that was sarcasm, as #104 indicated, it needs work...

Reply

zachhasse | 0

#2556864 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 8:26

thanks for arguing on my comment:)

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#2556947 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 9:25

I thoroughly appreciated this thread.

And Kidd, I think 100 meant 98, not 97. ;)

Reply

Djzom13 | 0

#2559151 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 23:33

109 sorry about that, I was reading fast and didn't notice the intentional mistype.

Reply

lerouxmaster | 7

#2560284 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 5:20

Have you ever seen a dead mouse rape a mosquito ?

I have.

Reply

blanccamaro74 | 6

#2577043 - Saturday 28 May 2011 4:59

wrong form of no...who let u out of the padded room in the crazy house

Reply

lerouxmaster | 7

#2577463 - Saturday 28 May 2011 6:03

Ate the fucking walls off.

By Person1233 | 12

#2554988 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:58

YDI for shoving the wrong key in your lock.