Work: Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying... - FML

By badwaitress - United Kingdom

Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying to clear the tables as quickly as possible and decided to place a half bowl of soup on top of the pile of plates I was carrying. As I was hurrying back to the kitchen I tripped and spilt the soup all over the bride's ivory dress. FML

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Triage

Walk on the wild side

Supply and demand

By LostSleep - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

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By theshameofit - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

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By Artist man - 8/1/2021 07:02 - United Kingdom

Live through this

Today, my girlfriend walked out on me because she realised she doesn’t love me enough to go through a second lockdown with me and our 2-year-old daughter FML

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By Ferniferousfern

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

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By Notyourstepmom - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

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By Andrew - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

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By [email protected] - France

Today, I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. It was room service. FML

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By Davios - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

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By help - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was reading a newspaper at a bus stop when a creepy guy rested his chin on my shoulder and said, "I miss the good old days, when people would read newspapers together and it wasn't classed as weird." Then he walked away. FML

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By Broke and Blonde

Today, I had an interview for a new position in my company. The head of HR decided to sit and I got so nervous that I just spouted gibberish for 45 minutes. Pretty sure I convinced her I’m not qualified for the position I’m currently in. FML

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By kermudgen - United States

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

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By CarolinaD - United States

Today, my son's teacher told me that I should take my son to the doctor, because he has been complaining of bad headaches. They ran some tests, and then removed a peanut that's apparently been lodged in his nose for months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By anon - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By ricard0 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

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By Anyonexx0 - United States - Washington

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML

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By Hunterxx - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

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By sluttydancer - United States

Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

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By what - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my boyfriend about his views on personal growth. He replied, "What, you mean dick size?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

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By CloroxDoggo - United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

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By Tyler - United States

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

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By goodlord12 - United States - Branson

Today, I let my friend bleach my hair, which resulted in it falling out in clumps. I spent $150 at the beauty salon fixing it and cutting most of it off. I sent the pictures of my new hair to my friends, and I got the same reply from each and every one of them: "That better be a wig." FML

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By snowball - Switzerland

Today, as I left my house, the front door slammed shut behind me, causing an entire roof-length of snow to slide over the edge and land directly on my head. FML

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By mikeissad - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, at work, I was forced to nod and smile as a pregnant, fifteen-year-old, brain-dead Jersey Shore wannabe cussed me out for being rude by using words from a "foreign language" during our conversation. I used the word "pretentious." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2020 09:00

Liar !

Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML

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By justcomesnaturally - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I accidentally hit someone's car while at the supermarket. I left a note, went shopping, and when I came back my windows were shattered, my tires were slashed and "f you" was written on my windshield. FML

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By dunno why we bother - United States - Tampa

Today, while on patrol with my partner, we came across a guy getting a beat-down on the sidewalk. After restraining the attacker, we helped the victim to his feet, only for him to spit at us and call us "goddamn pigs". You're welcome, sir. FML

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By RoastedbyNature

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

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By flowerchildd2 - United States

Today, a creepy old guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "lick it." When I said no, he tried to convince me by telling me that "it tastes good." FML

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By OhGodKillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

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By - United States - Rockville Centre

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

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By Anonymous

There you go

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

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By steak through the heart - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

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By T-Shain - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

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Top comments

By misssweetie | 0

#271849 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:07

FBL (F brides life)

great wedding memory.

Hey honey, remember our storybook wedding when someone completely ruined the dress that you spent your life savings on?

By littlemisslee | 0

#271796 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:02

And I bet everyone gave you nasty looks the rest of the night!

COMMENTS

By littlemisslee | 0

#271796 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:02

And I bet everyone gave you nasty looks the rest of the night!

Reply

austin_DGAF | 0

#1019391 - Saturday 5 June 2010 0:03

wow nice job!

NOT

Reply

nastenka_fml | 0

#1036025 - Saturday 19 June 2010 20:46

I hate people like you. I would kill you.

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#2734899 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 6:56

Harsh much? You hate hard working people who have unfortunate mishaps enough to end their life and risk going to jail for the rest of yours AND not to mention jeopardizing your afterlife.. jeez hatred is powerful. OP! at least you can laugh about it right?

Reply

LunaaBluee | 27

#5959468 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:22

Not sure why she would laugh about it.... Considering it was her wedding day. Some things such as what was said on this FML can be easily prevented. I mean when did it ever cross her mind that putting a bowl full of soup on top of the pile would be okaii ? If I was the boss I would've fired her no offence or anything but at a job like that you can't afford to screw up especially when it comes to messing up a brides gown.

Reply

Suzi_d16 | 26

#6670719 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:11

You can't just fire people for the sake of it. We have something called "employment law" in the UK...

By Golem_fml | 1

#271799 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:02

Ouch! Hope she didn't assault you afterwards!

Reply

kingr456 | 1

#1253329 - Monday 16 August 2010 18:08

let's fuck her in the ass1

By Button_x | 0

#271803 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:03

Wow. FHL. O_o

By AngelRaven89 | 0

#271809 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:03

Haste makes waste!

By WaffleRain | 0

#271838 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:06

Ow... Hope she forgave you... For ruining her wedding... [gulp...]

By misssweetie | 0

#271849 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:07

FBL (F brides life)

great wedding memory.

Hey honey, remember our storybook wedding when someone completely ruined the dress that you spent your life savings on?

Reply

dumdum2 | 2

#6107060 - Sunday 2 November 2014 1:13

Why would someone spend their life's savings on a wedding dress that they'll wear only once? I understand they're expensive but...

By Komatose | 0

#271853 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:08

More like F the bride's life.

By Lucicx0 | 0

#271855 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:08

someone will be getting fired ;]

Reply

fricknugget | 3

#1731284 - Sunday 21 November 2010 17:41

hattie

By 360_94 | 0

#271860 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:08

Thats what you get for trying to rush.

By jeffers | 0

#271861 - Friday 5 June 2009 23:09

why were you rushing? Haste makes waste. you deserve this one

Reply

jessthebest3 | 0

#2526064 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 0:37

Yeah but the bride didn't.

Reply

Krispies_fml | 16

#6479088 - Monday 7 December 2015 6:28

Waiters are always rushing. It's a major part of the job to hurry up your ass.