Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater.... - FML

By brad3720 - 14/4/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. This six year old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year old. FML

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Mr Sensitivity

My body, my choice

Ungrateful

By mvgirl - 22/10/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of no where. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look we hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2013 14:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was taking a peaceful stroll in the local park when a curious turkey decided to follow me. Trying to shoo it away, I swung my leg at it, as if to fake kick it. Being the stupid animal it is, it decided to fly into my leg as I swung, causing my foot to connect to its neck. It died. FML

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By LilShawty2000 - 24/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 14:54 - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 22:00

Today, my boss told me to check out the situation in the restroom. Someone had crapped themselves, rolled their underwear into a ball, and had the audacity to write that they were sorry in sharpie on the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2013 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML

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By Stuckism - 15/9/2009 17:16 - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By captain patch beard - 3/10/2019 18:01

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 15:58 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2009 10:53 - United States

Today, my best friend, the man who I've been in love with for nine years, finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Unfortunately, it was while he was using me to practice proposing to his girlfriend. FML

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By psychedout - 10/8/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML

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By Benji - 13/10/2008 08:32

Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he was my landlord. FML

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By Maui_Diddy - 15/8/2018 18:30

Today, an old fling said she regretted her previous choice and wanted to try again, so I happily accepted. She failed to tell me that her previous choice was crazy. Not only is he stalking her, but he's also stalking me and sending her messages about who I'm with and what I'm doing. FML

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By Brittany - 18/6/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML

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By JustOutofCollegeAndBroke - 16/7/2015 06:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML

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By larvagirl23 - 18/6/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, "You can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 11:12 - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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By Wellfu - 2/4/2015 14:48 - Europe

Today, I was let go from my internship for "not putting in enough effort". I was working 50 hours a week for almost zero pay. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

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By y00na - 17/8/2018 23:30

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

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By 00bsg - 21/12/2013 15:46 - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By courtnayy - 30/9/2013 14:47 - United States

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

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By hopelesscollegestudent - 21/9/2012 16:22 - Canada

Today, I asked my college chemistry teacher for some much-needed help. Instead of explaining anything to me, she scoffed that if I don't understand something, I should "just Google it." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2014 02:26 - United States - San Luis Rey

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

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By isuckatlyfe - 20/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was excited to see my ex-girlfriend. We had broken up while I was in Iraq and I wanted to try to get her back. I spent my first day back looking for a place to live while her and her new boyfriend got it on as I slept. I had chosen that apartment for us and paid for that bed. FML

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By Leenotgay - 25/9/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

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By Sica - 15/3/2012 19:28 - France

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

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By wrecked - 23/1/2012 01:52 - United States

Today, I totaled my car, because I mistook the leaves blowing across the road for a child. I swerved and hit a tree. The home owner wants to sue for "harming his tree" and hospital wants to test my mental stability. FML

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By Eternal_Babyface - 8/11/2015 17:14 - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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By newestallen - 9/8/2018 23:30

MILs gonna MIL...

Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 07:18 - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 20:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

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By lilshoobydoo14 - 15/10/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, I met a guy that I liked. We really hit it off, that is until his parents walked by and he started begging them, down on his hands and knees, to buy him a new video game. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 11:16 - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

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By bestiality, not even once - 14/6/2013 22:29 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

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By Namaslayed - 16/10/2015 18:04 - India - Mumbai

Today, I tried to make a move on the cute guy who sits opposite me at work. In theory, I was going to start a game of footsie with him. In practice, I screwed up and managed to yank his computer's power cable out. He lost his unsaved work. FML

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Top comments

By alex_vik | 0

#109912 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:42

Ah, the youth of today.

Yep, we're screwed.

By DisturbedDriver | 0

#109888 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:27

Ouch...

Kids these days and the stuff they say.

COMMENTS

By telepathetic | 0

#109885 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:26

fake, this guy probably saw the little black kid yelling at the asian cashier and thought of an fml because he has nothing better to do

Reply

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#1558886 - Sunday 17 October 2010 2:41

kids say the darndest things

Reply

rodgersfan | 6

#3826253 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 23:44

Could have been an angry midget?

By DisturbedDriver | 0

#109888 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:27

Ouch...

Kids these days and the stuff they say.

Reply

Straka | 0

#939217 - Friday 12 March 2010 15:06

that kid needs a whipping, no jk jk but DAMN that kids been raised wrong

Reply

blueridgemtns97 | 0

#974953 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 4:27

kick that niggers ass!!

Reply

soccerfreak878 | 0

#980443 - Friday 16 April 2010 18:46

learn how to spell "theater"

Reply

jayseangirl | 0

#986662 - Friday 30 April 2010 4:26

L.,,,.M.....F......A....O! 

Reply

wooters | 1

#1014479 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:25

I'd like to say alot of kids have been raised this way but not all of them atleast /:

Reply

lexielovesyou | 0

#1108920 - Monday 19 July 2010 11:16

haha ,
w o a h[x
i would slap the taste outa his mouth!
xD

Reply

Nixot | 0

#1286668 - Sunday 22 August 2010 22:11

171, learn how to spell "theatre".

Reply

Nixot | 0

#1286669 - Sunday 22 August 2010 22:11

171, learn how to spell "theatre".

By DaemonDoC | 0

#109891 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:27

kick his fking arse!

Reply

JamesM9794 | 0

#968251 - Friday 26 March 2010 1:39

fuckin racist nigga

By alex_vik | 0

#109912 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:42

Ah, the youth of today.

Yep, we're screwed.

Reply

frosting1012 | 0

#987997 - Monday 3 May 2010 17:43

haha… very funny ( sarcasm) I'ma come through this screen and shove a strainting iron up ur ass bitch

Reply

safirestar09 | 0

#1009538 - Thursday 27 May 2010 18:56

...Why? All he did was, kinda, make a little sarcastic joke. No need to blow a gasket.

Reply

xleanne_aLly | 23

#3164724 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 8:04

174, ahaha idiot you just proved his point and made the rest of us look bad.

By Endymion_fml | 0

#109918 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:45

#4's suggestion is an excellent one.

By deliciouskaek | 1

#109920 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:46

I'm not sure why, but I lol'd.
Then I felt bad. ):

By sleepingprincess | 0

#109921 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:46

haha thats funny. but why did he have to bring your skin color into it? lol RACIST!

Reply

FatElie | 0

#2336000 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 8:31

Fucking crackers.

O wait...

By Ikasu | 0

#109924 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:49

Kick him out/kick his ass/call the cops.

By Amkii | 0

#109930 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 10:53

Ahh, racist parents and the way they raise their children... just adorable. Seriously, you should have smacked him and told him to watch his mouth and his back. ;)

Reply

Starcatch77 | 20

#3274723 - Monday 12 September 2011 1:06

Commenting on his race didn't really make the little boy or his parents racist...He just made a true statement, saying the OP is white when he is isn't offensive, it only would be if he said something *about* him being white.

Reply

Starcatch77 | 20

#3274725 - Monday 12 September 2011 1:06

Commenting on his race didn't really make the little boy or his parents racist...He just made a true statement, saying the OP is white when he is isn't offensive, it only would be if he said something *about* him being white.

Reply

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3913922 - Friday 20 January 2012 13:18

But of course if a white man says stfu black boy... All hell breaks loose. Oh but it wasn't racist. I was just stating a fact.

By TheKitchenSink | 0

#109940 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 11:07

I didn't get the vibe that the kid was black, just stupid.

Also the last line in this FML rhymed.