Love: Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing... - FML

By bluten - Canada

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

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Serious times

Coherence dude, do you have it?

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

By khfhjfsb - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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By akosirm - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

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By whyymee - United States

Today, I helped a "blind" man across the street. He kindly said thank you and patted me on the back. Then, I went into a store and realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By NotTodaySatan - United States - Tempe

Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

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By mskawaiibat - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, my step mom and her kids moved in. This is my first night sharing a room with her daughter. She snores, sleep talks, and sleep scratches the side of the bed creating a sound like nails on a chalkboard. FML

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By smarter than a mollusk, skinner than a hippo - United States

Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

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By mcase - United States - Compton

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

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By Pedro the Basuraman

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

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By abnormallyadam - Australia - Footscray

Today, I found out that the guy I've been crushing on for months is actually 15 years old. I'm 22. Not only is it gross, but it's also illegal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was mugged. I saw a cop car in the aftermath and flagged it down. Unfortunately, when the cops stopped the mugger, he said he'd been running away because I tried to mug him. Apparently the fact that he was "well-dressed" and I wasn't means he was telling the truth. FML

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By Elisabeth - 16/8/2020 17:01

Close shave

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

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By supercharged - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

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By PositiveElectron - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

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By haileyjunkin

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By disgusting - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML

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By breadcrumb - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By atsukobo - United States

Today, my husband and I went to our first counseling sessions, where the main focus was communication. When the therapist called us in together to discuss techniques we could use at home, my husband looked around, rolled his eyes, and responded with, "Uh huh" to every question. FML

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By chi_chia - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

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By noname - Canada

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

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By Nails - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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By notinflammable - United States

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML

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By crap - 17/7/2020 05:00

Compassionate

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because apparently, I'm a drug addict who can't speak without slurring and stumbling with my words. I have a recurring speech impediments and the stammer is definitely real. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML

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By Hellish - United States - Gurnee

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

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By hatetodisappoint - United States

Today, I called my very overprotective father, and he took the time to tell me how proud he was of me for finally finding a good and respectable boyfriend. And that he was sorry he misjudged. I was calling for bail money to get my "good, respectable" boyfriend out of jail. FML

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By BaldingQuick - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

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By Champignon - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, during dinner, my mom told my dad and me in great detail about the "awesome" new cosmetic surgery idea she just had: constructing earlobes for lobeless ears, using skin taken from women's labia. I was forced to sit through this until I finished my plate. FML

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By littlefella - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2020 05:00

Beautiful

Today, my boyfriend wrote me poetry. Here's how it went: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your tits." That's the most romantic thing he's done for me. FML

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By Watchingmyfigure - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML

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By creeped out - United States - Smithtown

Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, feeling like I needed to relax, I ordered room service at my hotel. When I was finished I went to put the tray outside not thinking about needing a key to get back in. I locked myself out of my room wearing happy face underwear in a $250 a night hotel. I had to go to the lobby to get a new key. FML

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By staticman101 - United States - Allendale

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, I'm in training at an animal shelter. There's an adorable tiny kitten there, which my boss said not to touch it because it's feral. "No way he's dangerous" I said, reaching into the cage to pet it. It struck like a cobra and tore up my arm. My first on-the-job injury is from a KITTEN. FML

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By ledentist - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By Girl-with-the-glasses - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out about my old school's class reunion, which I wasn't invited to. Everyone has my number and e-mail address. They just "forgot" to tell me. FML

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By negativesoup

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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Top comments

By O_fml | 0

#41251 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:47

im guessing you quickly changed the channel...

By dickinabox | 0

#41286 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:54

NO, NO, NO, I LOVE HER. I'M NOT STALKING HER, OFFICER. WE'RE IN LOVE!
Best regards,
S

COMMENTS

By O_fml | 0

#41251 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:47

im guessing you quickly changed the channel...

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#803356 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:19

or she stayed, watched, n learned a few things

Reply

ericvolp12 | 0

#820477 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 4:08

u just called him a lesbian

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#948445 - Monday 15 March 2010 4:24

no 104 op is a girl.

Reply

JamesM9794 | 0

#963854 - Friday 19 March 2010 5:41

new favorite

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#970596 - Monday 29 March 2010 15:52

same 106

By Art_Vandeley | 0

#41257 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:49

Well how exactly is the relationship between you and your "girlfriend"?

By alex_vik | 0

#41263 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:50

Looks like you're a stalker.

By kaseyface | 0

#41266 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:51

HAHA!
sorry :P

By mrs_cullenx3 | 0

#41267 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:51

hahahhaha... whatever... i can so relate... no judgement here!

By dickinabox | 0

#41286 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:54

NO, NO, NO, I LOVE HER. I'M NOT STALKING HER, OFFICER. WE'RE IN LOVE!
Best regards,
S

Reply

pu13 | 5

#984279 - Saturday 24 April 2010 15:08

what a twilight line

By TEAZO | 0

#41287 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:54

Well then this just goes to show you.
that you have a bit of a stalker in you.

we all do for that fact you stalk me i stalk you were just stalking two and two.

yeah that was lame sorry.

By iLIAMMM | 0

#41302 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:59

crush? o_o
lol if you were in a real relationship then maybe it wouldnt be weird.

By captainfailure | 0

#41303 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:59

i had one of those moments lol then i realized im a pervert not a stalker

By Jaywin | 3

#41310 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:01

Just don't end up like that crazy Bjork stalker.