Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/2/2014 21:02 - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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Proactive

Out of it

They're everywhere

By SadDaenerys - 13/7/2016 20:13

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By Well then - 1/3/2019 20:00

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 05:19 - United States

Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

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By spit saliva spit - 7/8/2019 20:00

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

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By thatshelpful - 2/7/2015 04:16 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML

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By luceeloo - 23/11/2016 22:10

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 20:49 - United States

Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML

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By justjust - 28/3/2009 14:14 - United States

Today, I was at work at a preschool. I was sitting outside with the kids and was getting bored so I started singing. One of the little girls runs up and puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to stop. I'm in a select chorus at my highschool and plan to major in choral studies in college. FML

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By Christmasloverandstuff - 25/12/2012 17:45 - United States

Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 00:00 - New Zealand

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I'm ignored and bored so much at my dream job that I've started bringing in my fanfiction to write when no one is around. Which is 80% of the day. I'm training to be a civil engineer. My experience writing fanfiction should take me really far in my chosen career. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2016 19:47 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I finally found out why my graphics card in my PC had been overheating recently. My brother disconnected the card's fan because it was too loud when he was gaming. I guess I can always spend another $750. FML

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By Amber - 28/5/2013 23:42 - United States - Oroville

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

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By pass_the_tp - 13/1/2010 02:57 - United States

Today, I was at the movie theatre. I went to the bathroom, and was about to wipe my butt when I realized that where the toilet-paper dispenser should have been, there was a large hole. The woman in the next stall waved. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 20:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were choosing animals that reminded us of eachother. I said he reminded me of a tiger because he is really muscular. He told me I reminded him of a zebra. When I asked him why, he said it was because of my stretchmarks. FML

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By smyp - 24/12/2015 17:34 - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

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By squirt - 5/7/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 09:08 - Maldives - Male

Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML

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By ChildFree - 20/4/2015 23:55 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my mother-in-law asked me when my fiancé and I were going to start having children. When I told her we weren't planning on having any, she went on a tirade about how selfish and cold I am for denying her precious grandchildren. Now she hates me. FML

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By preggo - 4/12/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on to yell at me about my "unhealthy eating habits" and how I've "gained a lot of weight in the past few months". I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2015 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML

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By thnxbabe - 22/9/2014 02:11

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

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By UglySister - 2/12/2009 22:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend. As my mother was comforting her, I overheard her say "Honey, it's okay, you're the pretty one. Think of those worse off than you. Think of your sister, she might never get a boyfriend." FML

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By thedeerman - 17/9/2011 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

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By Dog fart - 13/2/2010 16:08 - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

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By chumpslolo - 25/7/2013 10:55 - United States - Vandalia

Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML

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By Buzz - 28/11/2008 05:35 - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager". FML

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By chi_chia - 24/3/2011 15:03 - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

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By Rae - 30/7/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

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By Cup_of___ - 26/11/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2013 20:13 - Germany - Koblenz

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

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By Go away - 10/11/2013 08:03 - United States - Humboldt

Today, after doing vigorous chores all day with my girlfriend, her mom came and paid us each $100. My girlfriend cried and threw a fit because she said they were her chores, so she deserves all the money. FML

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By IvyBlackeyes - 29/8/2018 01:30

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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By a.baybay - 7/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By SensitiveTech - 26/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

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By bubba - 17/10/2011 10:02 - China

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years felt comfortable enough with me to disclose that he had previously spent 4 years in a mental institute because he tried to kill his mother. He also told me we will be together forever. I'm scared. FML

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By shit - 13/5/2010 21:00 - United States

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

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By Muwz - 13/8/2014 04:28 - France - Paris

Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML

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Top comments

By Jak_Griffin | 5

#5866039 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Hopefully you didn't get a conecussion

By star14394 | 20

#5866036 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:01

People like the bystanders are idiots....sorry about your head

COMMENTS

By star14394 | 20

#5866036 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:01

People like the bystanders are idiots....sorry about your head

Reply

EverestMelting | 23

#5866074 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:31

Head-Head-Headshot!

Reply

Redundant_Idiot | 7

#5866134 - Sunday 23 February 2014 4:04

I guess you could say they were... American Idiots! Get it? Your picture... this taking place in America... I'm sorry, I just had to. I'll leave now...

Reply

Michaelgf | 13

#5866205 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:44

#30 I thought that was a Green day reference

Reply

Andicc | 19

#5866211 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:53

Obvious reference is obvious...

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5866939 - Monday 24 February 2014 2:18

What a cone head...

Reply

RoosterTeeth101 | 6

#5867219 - Monday 24 February 2014 8:51

At least the traffic come didn't hit his other head

Reply

RoosterTeeth101 | 6

#5867221 - Monday 24 February 2014 8:54

Cone*

By shine999 | 12

#5866038 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:01

UniCone! Lol

By Jak_Griffin | 5

#5866039 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Hopefully you didn't get a conecussion

Reply

Cynical_1 | 26

#5866042 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Boooo!!!

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5866084 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:59

Tf is wrong with you^

Reply

angelgirl52796 | 8

#5866398 - Sunday 23 February 2014 14:19

#22, I think #5 was booing the cheesy pun.

Reply

hanner12 | 13

#5866403 - Sunday 23 February 2014 14:29

No shit Sherlock

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5866739 - Sunday 23 February 2014 22:41

AHAHA yeah, I just noticed ):. I'm so slow. it's because he did use caps on the "cone" part so I didn't see it :/

By it__happens | 17

#5866040 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Hope you didn't get seriously hurt.. Bystanders can be big poops

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#5866699 - Sunday 23 February 2014 21:35

Big poops .... Really ??

Reply

afkwarrior | 25

#5868073 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:12

this isn't tumblr, calm down

By pwnman | 33

#5866044 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:04

Damn those can hurt! The bystanders clearly have no state of mind. Follow up with telling us how you are feeling, gurl! Or boi!

Reply

pandaxlove64 | 12

#5866064 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:19

Girl* boy*
Real words, my friend. Real words.

Reply

pwnman | 33

#5866075 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:34

I know, I was imitating my generation, my friend.

Reply

PancakeSlap | 23

#5866135 - Sunday 23 February 2014 4:05

19- How can you imitate what you are clearly part of?

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5866137 - Sunday 23 February 2014 4:13

You're imitating the irrational and over-generalized portrayal of what your generation appears to be*.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5866188 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:21

"People try to put him down, talkin' bout his generation. Just cause his context's upside dooown"

By Jacksparrow72 | 21

#5866048 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:05

Conehead?

Reply

kozzard | 17

#5866278 - Sunday 23 February 2014 8:57

Chewing gum?

By PrincessCastiel | 27

#5866050 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:06

That really sucks! I hope your day went better after that...

By _Minato | 8

#5866053 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:09

I hope you weren't hurt OP!

Reply

zsxwrsd | 7

#5867169 - Monday 24 February 2014 7:39

They died

By Kamon97 | 23

#5866054 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:09

Hopefully nobody recorded :p

Reply

StillUsesMyspace | 22

#5866272 - Sunday 23 February 2014 8:48

Hopefully someone did!

Reply

Cleu | 12

#5867508 - Monday 24 February 2014 17:28

They could put it on the Conen o'Brian show if they did.

By Marlee141717 | 9

#5866055 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:09

People have very cruel humor. I hope your head is okay!