Health: Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Our house, in the middle of our street

Start worrying

By Pastrygirl

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemont

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

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By anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

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By Amrit - 3/4/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Eastenders

Today, I found out that a few years ago, when I lost my kids to my ex-wife, it was because my current wife secretly hated having to be their stepmom, so she conspired with my ex to ruin the custody hearing in my ex's favour. FML

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By Ggirl - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML

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By Anonymous

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

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By sammarli530 - United States - New Lenox

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

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By DoesNotLikeCubes - Qatar

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

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By naughtyshirt - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By Crying

It's toast

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

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By likesboys - Canada

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

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By papergirl - United States

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant. I was coming right from work and brought a change of clothes with me. I parked in an empty corner of the parking lot to change. As I was pulling my pants up, I noticed that I was facing an apartment complex where an old guy was watching me from his balcony. FML

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By waiting till marriage, she said - United States - Pasadena

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

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By Shawn Bennight - 10/6/2020 08:07

Alexa, play "I Won't Share You" by The Smiths

Today, my wife of 23 years said she wanted a divorce, that she didn't love me anymore and is moving out. Why? I told her I didn't want us to date and have sex with other people. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By UnderConstruction - Canada - Pickering

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

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By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the manager that made my life a living hell for 3 years, who was demoted 6 weeks ago and transferred to another store, was transferred back to us as a salesperson. Now we work side by side 42 hours a week on the same exact schedule. FML

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By Anonymous

Burden

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, a girl I've never met before came up to me and punched me in the face, because she wanted to get suspended. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

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By damn it rose - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By spasticock - Portugal - Barreiro

Today, I climbed the tree in my backyard so I could cut off some stray branches. I ended up getting stuck, and instead of immediately getting help, my wife started laughing and recording me. The video is now circulating on Facebook, and my new nickname is "Hawkeye." FML

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By Prodigy - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By asdfghjkl

Today, it took me four tries to find the right position to swipe my debit card. My mom screamed "Oh, for God's sake, why don't you ever get it right the FIRST time?" She then apologized to the cashier for having "such a stupid child". FML

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By _Asykes_

Today, I started a new school, after moving from England to New York. People only talked to me just to hear my accent. FML

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By TubaAssassin

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had picked my lock and stolen my new laptop. When I tried to take it back, he called the police. They sided with him since he had also taken the receipt, which was "proof" that it was his. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML

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By sendhelp

Today, my mom asked me to take my dad's mail to him. The "mail" was divorce papers. FML

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By it's just hair

Today, I was sent home from work because my new haircut "looks too much like Hitler's" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 17:02

One hell of a poker game?

Today, I lost 1200 dollars, my fiancée, my dog, my apartment, and my car. FML

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By DSM - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

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By pmony - United States

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho ex got into my wedding ceremony and attacked my wife. FML

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By fsdjhgasjlhg - Australia - Cairns

Today, I found a topless photo of my mother on my phone. Thanks, iCloud. FML

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Top comments

By Jak_Griffin | 5

#5866039 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Hopefully you didn't get a conecussion

By star14394 | 20

#5866036 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:01

People like the bystanders are idiots....sorry about your head

COMMENTS

By star14394 | 20

#5866036 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:01

People like the bystanders are idiots....sorry about your head

Reply

EverestMelting | 23

#5866074 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:31

Head-Head-Headshot!

Reply

Redundant_Idiot | 7

#5866134 - Sunday 23 February 2014 4:04

I guess you could say they were... American Idiots! Get it? Your picture... this taking place in America... I'm sorry, I just had to. I'll leave now...

Reply

Michaelgf | 13

#5866205 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:44

#30 I thought that was a Green day reference

Reply

Andicc | 19

#5866211 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:53

Obvious reference is obvious...

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5866939 - Monday 24 February 2014 2:18

What a cone head...

Reply

RoosterTeeth101 | 6

#5867219 - Monday 24 February 2014 8:51

At least the traffic come didn't hit his other head

Reply

RoosterTeeth101 | 6

#5867221 - Monday 24 February 2014 8:54

Cone*

By shine999 | 12

#5866038 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:01

UniCone! Lol

By Jak_Griffin | 5

#5866039 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Hopefully you didn't get a conecussion

Reply

Cynical_1 | 26

#5866042 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Boooo!!!

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5866084 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:59

Tf is wrong with you^

Reply

angelgirl52796 | 8

#5866398 - Sunday 23 February 2014 14:19

#22, I think #5 was booing the cheesy pun.

Reply

hanner12 | 13

#5866403 - Sunday 23 February 2014 14:29

No shit Sherlock

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5866739 - Sunday 23 February 2014 22:41

AHAHA yeah, I just noticed ):. I'm so slow. it's because he did use caps on the "cone" part so I didn't see it :/

By it__happens | 17

#5866040 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:02

Hope you didn't get seriously hurt.. Bystanders can be big poops

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#5866699 - Sunday 23 February 2014 21:35

Big poops .... Really ??

Reply

afkwarrior | 25

#5868073 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:12

this isn't tumblr, calm down

By pwnman | 33

#5866044 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:04

Damn those can hurt! The bystanders clearly have no state of mind. Follow up with telling us how you are feeling, gurl! Or boi!

Reply

pandaxlove64 | 12

#5866064 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:19

Girl* boy*
Real words, my friend. Real words.

Reply

pwnman | 33

#5866075 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:34

I know, I was imitating my generation, my friend.

Reply

PancakeSlap | 23

#5866135 - Sunday 23 February 2014 4:05

19- How can you imitate what you are clearly part of?

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5866137 - Sunday 23 February 2014 4:13

You're imitating the irrational and over-generalized portrayal of what your generation appears to be*.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5866188 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:21

"People try to put him down, talkin' bout his generation. Just cause his context's upside dooown"

By Jacksparrow72 | 21

#5866048 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:05

Conehead?

Reply

kozzard | 17

#5866278 - Sunday 23 February 2014 8:57

Chewing gum?

By PrincessCastiel | 27

#5866050 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:06

That really sucks! I hope your day went better after that...

By _Minato | 8

#5866053 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:09

I hope you weren't hurt OP!

Reply

zsxwrsd | 7

#5867169 - Monday 24 February 2014 7:39

They died

By Kamon97 | 23

#5866054 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:09

Hopefully nobody recorded :p

Reply

StillUsesMyspace | 22

#5866272 - Sunday 23 February 2014 8:48

Hopefully someone did!

Reply

Cleu | 12

#5867508 - Monday 24 February 2014 17:28

They could put it on the Conen o'Brian show if they did.

By Marlee141717 | 9

#5866055 - Sunday 23 February 2014 1:09

People have very cruel humor. I hope your head is okay!