Love: Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand,... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 98

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 91

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 40

28/05/2013 16:37

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 520

You deserved it 15 961

Taking stock

Your cooking, dude

Death wish

11/05/2016 11:40

Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 845

You deserved it 1 391

02/11/2009 05:08

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 198

You deserved it 4 212

28/01/2009 23:35

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 244

You deserved it 5 865

17/04/2011 14:29

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 367

You deserved it 7 616

05/11/2009 06:36

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 633

You deserved it 3 940

24/11/2018 16:40

Today, I smelled gas when entering my apartment. I checked everything and then left to seek help. I was told to call 911, which resulted in two firetrucks and 10+ firefighters, one of which was my high school sweetheart, entering my messy apartment and finding nothing wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 829

You deserved it 614

Sneaky sneaky...

By Snowflakepandi - 01/09/2017 13:00

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 399

You deserved it 270

24/01/2011 14:43

Today, my husband has been painting our house all weekend and plans to finish the job after work today. I decided to surprise him by completing the job myself. Painting the last window frame, I dropped the open tin of white paint, right onto our car roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 665

You deserved it 10 755

28/02/2019 09:00

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 052

You deserved it 1 991

Where am I?

By Morgan Jones - 18/06/2019 20:08

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 529

You deserved it 394

Threat Neutralized

By Anonymous - 23/07/2018 18:36

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 242

You deserved it 701

29/07/2010 18:24

Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we're "dating" now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 925

You deserved it 6 893

08/11/2012 05:43

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 677

You deserved it 2 115

21/01/2015 16:26

Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 222

You deserved it 2 633

How Thoughtful

By Anonymous - 20/08/2018 08:30

Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 043

You deserved it 160

19/04/2016 10:22

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 457

You deserved it 1 612

03/05/2009 15:22

Today, it was my boyfriend's 21st birthday. Along with a pair of $80 shoes, I bought him a birthday cake, his favorite ice cream and a $15 balloon. I showed up to the party and he was very intoxicated. So intoxicated that he pops the balloon, drops the cake, and throws up all over his new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 484

You deserved it 8 262

11/09/2011 19:16

Today, I had to clean up after the kid that discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 173

You deserved it 3 155

24/03/2009 10:18

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 229

You deserved it 15 093

Drunk mom

By trailertrashyanditsucks - 26/07/2013 19:55

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 894

You deserved it 3 792

22/02/2013 07:57

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 458

You deserved it 8 073

Face your demons

By corleon198425 - 13/11/2020 20:08

Today, I finally got a job after months of searching due to Covid. The bad news? It's cleaning dog kennels. I have an extreme fear of animal poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 497

04/01/2016 05:21

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 1 915

14/08/2015 07:01

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 150

You deserved it 1 974

Tock follow tick follows tock…

By Sad - 03/01/2021 11:01

Today, after my grandfather died a month ago, my grandmother had a massive stroke. I have a sinus infection but had to be tested for Covid. I need it to show negative so I can say goodbye to the most influential woman in my life. I don’t know that results will be back in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 54

It's not THAT hard

By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 05:07

Today, I found out how hard it is to actually change light bulbs. I work with electricians. FML

I agree, your life sucks 552

You deserved it 236

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

By opposites don’t attract - 16/09/2020 11:03

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 058

You deserved it 320

04/05/2012 21:09

Today, after weeks of intense studying with the intent of pulling my grades up, I saw that in fact, they've all gone down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 778

You deserved it 3 369

16/12/2009 21:11

Today, it looked like rain so I held out my hand to catch a raindrop. When I finally caught one, I closed my hand over it and ran to show my friends to prove it was raining. I opened my hand saying, "Look! It's raining!" When I looked down, I saw that I had actually caught a bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 762

You deserved it 33 977

24/05/2011 17:46

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 722

You deserved it 8 168

06/09/2013 11:56

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 480

You deserved it 4 974

Sharing is caring

By blackrose - 08/08/2021 02:01

Today, I ran into an old friend of mine at the store. All was going fine, until she showed me her new fiancé. My now ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 71

23/09/2012 08:14

Today, after weeks of dealing with a bad hair cut, my hair finally grew back to my preferred length. Today is also the day my roommate replaced my shampoo with hair remover as a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 413

You deserved it 1 848

07/11/2009 08:47

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a really romantic dinner. Later, I lost my virginity. The chicken was better than he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 569

You deserved it 9 760

19/07/2014 17:39

Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 519

You deserved it 41 738

21/04/2013 23:26

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 283

You deserved it 4 133

30/07/2016 08:56

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 778

You deserved it 1 115

11/07/2011 18:16

Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 496

You deserved it 2 961

30/11/2010 03:03

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 963

You deserved it 5 355

Elvis has left the building

By lateralligator - 14/09/2019 02:02

Today, I realized I need to lose weight when I split my pants wide open while at my job directing a funeral, bowing to the casket in front of 200 silent devout attendees, during prayers. I picked that day to wear a red thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 549

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:45

Hope your guitar is okay.

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:46

This made me laugh out loud! Thanks OP, I needed a good giggle. Hope you're ok though :-)

Comments

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:45

Hope your guitar is okay.

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 23:50

It's the romantic gesture that counts, right?

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 23:59

Rule #1 of any instrumental accident: check the equipment first

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 3:27

I'm sure the sex afterwards makes up for any butt pain you may have.

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 3:38

If it's not, I've got a sweet Emily The Strange SG for sale. ;D

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 4:16

Hopefully it doesn't add to it!

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 7:24

Forget about the guitar.

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 7:27

Your pic is really good for this FML.

KazuTrumpet1512 21

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 8:27

#1 rule of the internet-don't feed the trolls.

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 21:32

79, I think I can safely say you're not a musician nor have any instruments..

BradTheBrony 19

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Thursday 30 May 2013 0:42

#51: It may have worsened it if they had a strap on. Giggity

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:46

This made me laugh out loud! Thanks OP, I needed a good giggle. Hope you're ok though :-)

ekb777 13

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:58

I don't know how someone doesn't laugh at this :) Sorry that you hurt yourself, but this will make a great story to tell your friends

VeganVampyre 26

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 3:00

I didn't laugh because I recently fell down a flight of stairs and was injured so badly that I couldn't walk for days. My doctor put me on heavy duty anti inflammatory painkillers and told me I wasn't allowed to work for two weeks. It's been a month now and it still hurts. So I don't actually think falling down stairs is very funny. If OP was hurt even half as badly as I was, then I feel terrible for him and hope he has good painkillers because he'll be needing them for quite a while.

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 5:05

There's probably a different website for "Things that actually Really Fuck Up My Life". This site is meant for more humorous stuff. Sorry for your pain.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 6:15

And that's why you eat all your meat and veggies, 45. Not just the vegetables.

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 8:24

same here #2 :D I hope you are okay OP, but you have to admit the irony is pretty hilarious!

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 19:07

LMAO this is hilarious OP, but that was really sweet of you to do. hope your wife was romantic with you after she stopped laughing!

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Sunday 9 February 2014 2:56

@64 There are some really sad and messed up fmls on here, most are humorous but there are some that are heart-wrenching.

Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:47

YDI for singing such a shitty song

HannahLouise96 13

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 23:48

BLASPHEMY!

CharresBarkrey 15

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 0:29

Aw, come on, that's a pretty good song. And there are some awesome covers of it out there!

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 0:38

DONT WAKE ME UUUPPPPPPP!

sonrisapreciosa 6

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 2:22

What are you? Communist? >.

123amanda123 14

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 2:32

Steven Tyler is a god! any song he sings is a great song!!!

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 4:38

Are you kidding me?! That song is amazing! I love that song to pieces! (and not just because it is me and my fiancé's song, either! Although that fact may have a hand in my opinion as well...)

jessi_sunshine 26

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 11:10

Go home, 3, you're drunk.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 0:07

Your comment made me crack up. Thanks. You may want to Google "communist" in the nearest future

ColdplaySucks 18

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:47

At least you made your wife happy.

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:48

It's safe to assume the stairs did not agree with your singing ability

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:48

lol that is really funny this should go on mlia not fml though.

oNisao 21

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:48

Lol at least your okay and I think you also made her happy in a unplanned way.

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:49

Sounds you hit the right chord with your wife so you win I guess.

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:49

I'd laugh too lol

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 22:49

This is the funniest FML I've ever seen and you TOTALLY deserve it!

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Wednesday 29 May 2013 4:10

how does he deserve it?