Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put... - FML

By morningeyes - 19/5/2009 14:19 - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

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Boozehound alert

Bad news

Great guy

By welptbh - 4/4/2018 16:30 - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me of hormones like a heroin addict". FML

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By xolaurennnn - 22/5/2015 15:55 - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

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By kitkat - 17/9/2014 19:48 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

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By Ribonuke211 - 12/8/2020 02:02

Territorial pissings

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

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By megangubler - 26/5/2014 22:34 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 02:36 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year old boss's new breast implants. FML

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By Toothy. - 25/7/2009 04:21 - Australia

Today, I went to the dentist to have two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. After he'd started drilling, I heard a "clunk" noise followed by an "Oops." My dentist had cut my tooth in half. Now I have to go to surgery to have the tooth extracted. FML

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By susiedoggles - 5/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By Urinal Fresh - 2/3/2012 10:19 - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

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By hello to you too - 30/8/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

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By aroman2312 - 6/9/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

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By charlieweaver21 - 21/1/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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By NiquetChrome - 14/4/2013 23:18 - France

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

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By kdmoney - 23/9/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

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By CorCelesti - 2/6/2014 14:00 - United States

Today, I got married. My father saw this as a good time to give some solemn, heartfelt advice to my new husband: "That ring gets real heavy fast." I was standing right there. So was my mother. FML

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By Viridian - 12/5/2009 13:41 - United States

Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML

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By Weak Disposition - 27/4/2012 04:29 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

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By Lolly - 12/9/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

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By olalala2382 - 2/4/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, as I worked the drive-through at Wendy's, the hottest girl from my math class pulled up to the window. As I handed her the drink, I asked her what she thought of our math test today. She screamed "How did you know I had a math test, you creep!", threw the drink at me, and drove off. FML

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By cockblocked - 11/5/2012 18:29 - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

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By toritoratora - 26/11/2012 05:27 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I heard a teenage boy ask his friend, "So, is it, like, November in Australia too?" This is the future of America. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2018 19:00

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 17:45 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By Leftattheairport - 9/2/2019 18:00

Today, I went to pick up my long distance boyfriend at the airport. It has been over six months since I last saw him and four days since I last heard from him. He never showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 19:46 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

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By Nikki - 13/5/2015 00:33 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By picaru - 21/6/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By NewFiancee - 11/8/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

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By amy - 16/10/2013 21:52 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By - 21/12/2019 18:00

Not mine!

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By IceWrath - 16/8/2015 08:14 - United Kingdom - York

Today, my elderly dad learned how to use Facebook. He now spends most of his time messaging me about his meals, his bowel movements and his foot fungus. He's now learning how to use Skype. FML

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By Helseac - 17/12/2018 03:00

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 20:14 - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By soupisyummy - 11/2/2012 19:20 - United States

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

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By kittykat - 8/8/2009 18:02 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - 22/8/2012 15:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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Top comments

By monkeyz0r | 0

#212329 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:24

LOL fail
one time i put a backyardigans tattoo on my ass and it stuck to my underwear

By Melodious | 0

#212321 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:23

Smart. Not the best idea, now is it? Magic erasers are not for bodies.

COMMENTS

By Melodious | 0

#212321 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:23

Smart. Not the best idea, now is it? Magic erasers are not for bodies.

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#980851 - Saturday 17 April 2010 8:07

how stupid are you???

Reply

fsebastianslife | 0

#996430 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 2:54

it's called tape you fucking retard. it's on the goddamn label

Reply

pu13 | 5

#1040036 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 7:25

baby oil works well to

Reply

bunniex1 | 11

#4098148 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 0:20

the worst part is it actually says do nit use one the body because it will cause irritation

Reply

trickiestboss | 10

#6091106 - Thursday 16 October 2014 18:49

it's also not a chemical burn that's just an abrasive burn.

By Susaluda | 0

#212322 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:23

ouch

Reply

purplepandaz | 0

#2379765 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 21:28

she soooo deserves it! it's like eating windex! it's the most obvious thing in the world!

Reply

PaisleyKing90 | 0

#2640648 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 6:05

duhh

By monkeyz0r | 0

#212329 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:24

LOL fail
one time i put a backyardigans tattoo on my ass and it stuck to my underwear

Reply

loveanthony645 | 5

#3411804 - Monday 10 October 2011 6:56

I think i just peed my pants.

Reply

mannatee | 19

#6060237 - Monday 8 September 2014 20:32

This must be a good story, c'mon, tell it!

Reply

mikeman1744 | 18

#6347075 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:00

he kind of just told the story

By Bmlacme | 3

#212336 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:25

aww that suckkss..

By guitardedman | 0

#212343 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:25

haha can't you smell the chemicals in there?
maybe its because i used to do stupid shit like this, but turpentine and paint thinner will do it, although they smell like ass..or rubbing alcohol

By marinesgirl9 | 0

#212344 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:25

yeah bad idea
next time that happens use olive oil and a paper towel. then wash your face. with facewash.

house cleaning products=bad for your body

By aftermath_fml | 0

#212359 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:27

ugggh how bad does it look?

By maybetomorrow_fml | 0

#212362 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:29

What it's not made of magic? Who'da thunk it. Sorry about your face.

By zeberoni | 0

#212372 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:30

I'm a hippie, I love crystals

By tko | 0

#212377 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:30

bs, i've used it on my body before...no burns

Reply

AmbrosiaLK | 0

#373819 - Tuesday 7 July 2009 0:30

BS, I've used magic erasers to scrub my face. there's no chemical. it's the material that's 'magic'.

Reply

haille_fml | 0

#2796603 - Friday 1 July 2011 7:54

Um yes it definatley leaves burns. My sister got sharpie allover the walls&herself and didn't wanna go to time out(she's 3 lol), so she took a magic eraser and cleaned the wall and then tried scrubbing her leg with it, she had huge red burns for more than a month.