Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put... - FML

By morningeyes - 19/5/2009 14:19 - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

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Boozehound

Vultures

Don't give up

By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad uploaded his porn collection onto our family server. My mom was convinced I did it and sat me down for a long talk. FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - 31/10/2013 16:58 - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 07:20 - United States

Today, the man of my dreams turned out to be the worst kisser I've ever encountered. I now have a huge hickey on my chin to remember the experience by. FML

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By mackenzie_cain - 14/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

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By Gee... Thanks - 3/9/2014 01:35

Today, while my orthodontist was working on my teeth, she made the comment, "Wow! It looks like a murder scene in there!" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 09:09 - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By Witos - 10/4/2013 06:54 - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom started fundraising and selling things on ebay. At first I was happy because I thought she was finally going to help me pay my college tuition. Turns out she's planning on raising money to get our dog a new friend because she's "lonely". FML

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By kanepie - 5/7/2019 04:03

Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight got cancelled, and we had to drive with 3 strangers for 13 hours. We are now stuck in Who-Knows-Where, Virginia, with two blown tires, because a metal plate fell off an 18-wheeler in front of us. FML

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By Kat - 8/11/2008 07:51 - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

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By K123 - 6/6/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend telling me he still likes me and might love me too. Later I asked him if he really meant it and his response was "I don't know. I was high." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 12:55 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By LindseyS - 20/3/2012 02:00 - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - 19/4/2016 10:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

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By anonymous - 20/6/2012 14:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML

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By just about pissed off - 11/8/2013 17:24 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML

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By solomantis - 30/7/2009 05:46 - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

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By crazy cat lady - 3/11/2016 19:31 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

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By cloud7 - 27/12/2011 03:40

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

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By joser6969 - 29/10/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

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By hatemyjob - 25/2/2010 22:29 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By Bacular - 6/2/2010 09:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

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By lel - 6/11/2018 13:30

Today, I got a blue screen of death on my brand new computer. Why? My parents installed an "anti-virus" before I got home. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 17:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

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By nerdgirlmickey - 3/3/2013 16:05 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2016 14:09 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By flattire - 30/3/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

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By Dakota - 28/9/2017 04:30

Bad Day for a Good Boy

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, after getting an expensive haircut, I showed it to my boyfriend. Instead of saying, "Wow, those bangs look great on you" he said, "Wow, you look really good when you don't show your forehead." FML

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By shart - 9/3/2016 02:48 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

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By Kay - 2/6/2013 19:00 - India - Nagari

Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions. FML

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By Lost5dollars - 8/8/2017 14:00 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2017 16:00

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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By uh-oh - 21/7/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

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By pleasestop - 11/6/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

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By timor - 18/12/2010 16:13 - United States

Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2017 12:00

I miss the hungry years…

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

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By combovercaiti_ - 25/1/2019 12:00

Today, I was waiting in line at the store trying to hold in a fart. I get to the cash register and the lady made me laugh and the fart slipped out. Only it was much louder than it was supposed to be, because I was squeezing my butt cheeks together, so it made a clapping sound. It was heard. FML

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Top comments

By monkeyz0r | 0

#212329 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:24

LOL fail
one time i put a backyardigans tattoo on my ass and it stuck to my underwear

By Melodious | 0

#212321 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:23

Smart. Not the best idea, now is it? Magic erasers are not for bodies.

Comments

By Melodious | 0

#212321 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:23

Smart. Not the best idea, now is it? Magic erasers are not for bodies.

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#980851 - Saturday 17 April 2010 8:07

how stupid are you???

Reply

fsebastianslife | 0

#996430 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 2:54

it's called tape you fucking retard. it's on the goddamn label

Reply

pu13 | 5

#1040036 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 7:25

baby oil works well to

Reply

bunniex1 | 11

#4098148 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 0:20

the worst part is it actually says do nit use one the body because it will cause irritation

Reply

trickiestboss | 10

#6091106 - Thursday 16 October 2014 18:49

it's also not a chemical burn that's just an abrasive burn.

By Susaluda | 0

#212322 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:23

ouch

Reply

purplepandaz | 0

#2379765 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 21:28

she soooo deserves it! it's like eating windex! it's the most obvious thing in the world!

Reply

PaisleyKing90 | 0

#2640648 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 6:05

duhh

By monkeyz0r | 0

#212329 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:24

LOL fail
one time i put a backyardigans tattoo on my ass and it stuck to my underwear

Reply

loveanthony645 | 5

#3411804 - Monday 10 October 2011 6:56

I think i just peed my pants.

Reply

mannatee | 19

#6060237 - Monday 8 September 2014 20:32

This must be a good story, c'mon, tell it!

Reply

mikeman1744 | 18

#6347075 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:00

he kind of just told the story

By Bmlacme | 3

#212336 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:25

aww that suckkss..

By guitardedman | 0

#212343 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:25

haha can't you smell the chemicals in there?
maybe its because i used to do stupid shit like this, but turpentine and paint thinner will do it, although they smell like ass..or rubbing alcohol

By marinesgirl9 | 0

#212344 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:25

yeah bad idea
next time that happens use olive oil and a paper towel. then wash your face. with facewash.

house cleaning products=bad for your body

By aftermath_fml | 0

#212359 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:27

ugggh how bad does it look?

By maybetomorrow_fml | 0

#212362 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:29

What it's not made of magic? Who'da thunk it. Sorry about your face.

By zeberoni | 0

#212372 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:30

I'm a hippie, I love crystals

By tko | 0

#212377 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 23:30

bs, i've used it on my body before...no burns

Reply

AmbrosiaLK | 0

#373819 - Tuesday 7 July 2009 0:30

BS, I've used magic erasers to scrub my face. there's no chemical. it's the material that's 'magic'.

Reply

haille_fml | 0

#2796603 - Friday 1 July 2011 7:54

Um yes it definatley leaves burns. My sister got sharpie allover the walls&herself and didn't wanna go to time out(she's 3 lol), so she took a magic eraser and cleaned the wall and then tried scrubbing her leg with it, she had huge red burns for more than a month.