Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really...

By uhhggggg - 2/1/2010 17:16 - France

Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML

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20374

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Intimacy

Work name

Family values

Nice neighborhood

By samantha246 - 11/5/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was pulling out of my driveway, and was being aware of the flowers I had just planted. I moved my head to look out my window as not to hit them, not realizing my window was up. I then hit my head break my nose and drive over the flowers. FML

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23561

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By kids next door - 18/11/2013 10:14 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

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42165

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By xXEndlesslullabyXx - 5/6/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33520

You deserved it

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By zoearcu - 17/4/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30780

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3503

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By iswearicandrive - 17/12/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26161

You deserved it

10206

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By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3978

You deserved it

371

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By thecaptainmorgan - 12/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35068

You deserved it

3100

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By hAHAha Halo - 2/8/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45718

You deserved it

5117

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By lawoman27 - 1/7/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad was having an affair on my mom with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65782

You deserved it

2737

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By Speechless - 17/6/2016 08:12

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12116

You deserved it

808

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By time to put you down, gran - 1/12/2012 22:53 - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27735

You deserved it

4671

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By fmylife7721 - 3/7/2011 05:51 - Canada

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16783

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

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57968

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 16:54 - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40576

You deserved it

2943

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By tikizombie - 30/8/2010 20:10 - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35080

You deserved it

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By queen - 30/12/2010 01:29 - Brazil

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11832

You deserved it

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By Bonecrusher - 27/3/2015 22:50 - United States - Sonoma

Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college baseball team. I threw the ball as hard as I could, and then collapsed to the ground in agony from a dislocated shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30302

You deserved it

5287

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By confused - 9/4/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I went on a date for the first time in eight months. He didn't make a move. I then asked if we were on a date. He said, "I don't know, I guess." I can't tell either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32657

You deserved it

5610

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By patrick - 17/3/2010 16:15 - United States

Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day and the nicest day of the year so far. I'm spending it in the bathroom, puking up the sushi I'd eaten last night. The luck of the Irish can't help me on this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25912

You deserved it

5210

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By Seule - 29/6/2016 04:07 - Switzerland - Pully

Today, on a movie date with my boyfriend, it took me a while to understand why he was leaning on his elbow during the entire thing. He had an earpiece cupped in his hand and was listening to a soccer match. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12106

You deserved it

1666

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By Needsanewjob - 10/1/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15444

You deserved it

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By oops - 22/8/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21496

You deserved it

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By arthise - 9/10/2013 07:03 - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49888

You deserved it

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By Johnnogood - 9/10/2012 13:57 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28688

You deserved it

2228

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By horsefuck - 7/8/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27362

You deserved it

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By Takegami - 22/11/2018 23:00 - United States - Norge

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2303

You deserved it

279

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By a.white - 11/12/2013 11:58 - United States - Cheltenham

Today, a classmate's mother called my phone, threatening to have my dorm room raided for drugs. Why? She saw our text messages discussing where he would pick up the textbook I borrowed and thought it was the new "code name" for weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43228

You deserved it

2800

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By megs - 10/12/2016 12:49

Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9064

You deserved it

1088

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By disgusted - 24/9/2012 19:16 - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30727

You deserved it

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By Username - 6/10/2010 21:59 - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18946

You deserved it

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By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30730

You deserved it

2424

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By BirthdayBoy - 25/9/2009 14:54 - United States

Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39804

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 00:29 - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41732

You deserved it

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By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

60564

You deserved it

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By Unknown - 9/2/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10658

You deserved it

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By JustAmirage - 14/2/2019 20:00

Today, it was my first day at work. They had me a large tray with lots of food on it, even after I told them I wasn’t comfortable carrying it. I hit the door on the way out of the kitchen, spilling everything on the tray, breaking 2 soup bowls and 3 salad plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2042

You deserved it

328

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By Light Sleeper - 14/10/2012 04:24 - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32757

You deserved it

4423

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By suchagoodholiday - 5/10/2015 09:57 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I've been in Bali for 12 days. We have done nothing but sit around because my whole family is sick, and they won't let me do anything because it's supposed to be a "family vacation". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26801

You deserved it

1762

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By stupid voicemails - 28/4/2013 09:09 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21969

You deserved it

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By ramis182 - 27/3/2012 00:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

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27417

You deserved it

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Top comments

By Ninjaface | 0

#751242 - Saturday 2 January 2010 22:13

Did he give you a ticket for being a buzzkill?

By lucky4sum | 0

#751510 - Sunday 3 January 2010 0:55

Ur fiancé rocks, stop complaining.

Comments

By tha69ers | 0

#750996 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:10

SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK. D:

fuzion50 | 6

#1738889 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 7:45

wow you're so cool cuz u can say you deserved it (you were to lazy to even type it out) and then saying first.

you are a fucking toolshed.

ClassyCommando | 13

#4304953 - Saturday 14 April 2012 19:15

My God, he's killed the mood! Police brutality!

By spitfire35 | 3

#751008 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:14

Get used to it. He is your fiancé.

FUGYU | 2

#2827375 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:02

probably not for long :)

ClassyCommando | 13

#4304958 - Saturday 14 April 2012 19:18

37 - Because he enjoyed pretending to be a cop? That's this site for you "OMG dump his ass!!!!".

By dangletsbang21 | 0

#751016 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:16

I think you have a serious problem hahahaha

By azurablade | 0

#751046 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:31

I like kinky women 

By Leahy | 0

#751053 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:34

creepy

By ChuckDangerz | 0

#751068 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:40

fail

By clatchy | 0

#751123 - Saturday 2 January 2010 21:05

lolwuuut

By HamsteronA | 0

#751132 - Saturday 2 January 2010 21:10

haha made my 2010

By skeemo | 0

#751199 - Saturday 2 January 2010 21:48

oh wow what an imagination... most def FYL

By Ninjaface | 0

#751242 - Saturday 2 January 2010 22:13

Did he give you a ticket for being a buzzkill?