Love and Geek: Today, an old fling said she regretted her previous choice and... - FML

By Maui_Diddy

Today, an old fling said she regretted her previous choice and wanted to try again, so I happily accepted. She failed to tell me that her previous choice was crazy. Not only is he stalking her, but he's also stalking me and sending her messages about who I'm with and what I'm doing. FML

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Messed up

Triage

Get it on, bang a gong

By littl3storm

Today, I got up and walked to college for my only class which started at 9 a.m. after a night of restless sleep. Our exam is two weeks away, so I thought it would be better to attend. Apparently, my teacher thought differently. FML

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By living_thedream - United States - Bethpage

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

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By TimJack18 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

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By InDisbelief - United States - Racine

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By todayJman03 - United States

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, while I was working as a waitress, I had to wait on a table of 13 people. I was struggling through it and when they finally left I went by the table to pick up my tip. Instead of a money I got a napkin saying "Here's your tip, don't be a waitress." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsfield

Today, a man attempted to sue my business for giving him food poisoning. I make soap. When I called the cops on him for disturbing the peace, I was told, "Maybe next time you'll put 'not edible' on your label." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elko

Today, my boss yet again said she was "literally dying", after she watched a funny video online. Long story short, I'm now on her shitlist because I couldn't help but point out that she clearly wasn't dying, and that her ranting was distracting me from doing actual work. FML

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By tay - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

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By ChloeisaDoll

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

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By thefriedman - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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By knickedleg - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

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By TheNerd - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

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By JohnFarrell - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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By Lenny_R

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 23:02

Delayed proposal

Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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By MikaPika - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

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By LonelyOtter

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

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By Bree

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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By ThisPerson - Canada

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I checked my Tumblr account to see if anyone had commented on the photos of my new tattoo. There were only 3 posts, and 2 of them were people linking it to "Awful Tattoo" blogs. FML

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By T1A2Z3

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

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By wtf did i do?? - Canada - Thornhill

Today, trying to be sweet, I told my girlfriend that I'm so happy we met one another. She muttered, "Well, that makes one of us." FML

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By Muralove - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By LostFocus - United States

Today, after five months of working overtime and doing my own repairs around the house, such as patching my own roof to save money, I walk into my home office. I find my $2500, week old, top of the line laptop won't turn on because it's drenched in water. Apparently there's a leak in the roof. FML

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By Oops - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I saw my ex boyfriend walking down the street in my direction. I've put on a bunch of weight since we broke up, so I turned to look in the nearest shop window, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately he did see me, looking straight at a KFC. FML

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By disappointed - 10/12/2020 20:02 - Canada - Brantford

Late term

Today, I had to pick my son up from jail. He was pulled over for having a busted tail light, gave the officer his licence, realized he gave the officer his fake ID and then the dumbass gave the cop his real one. Is it too late for a vasectomy? FML

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Top comments

By DMA | 11

#7677345 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 18:37

“11:58pm - He’s in bed with some chick.
11:59pm - Looks like she’s wearing one of YOUR tops.
12:00am - She’s checking her phone… oh wait.
12:01am - Turns out he was with you.
12:02am - You look a bit stressed. Should I come over?”

By JasonThorn | 18

#7666746 - Friday 27 July 2018 15:57

Which would explain her regret, wouldn't it?

COMMENTS

By JasonThorn | 18

#7666746 - Friday 27 July 2018 15:57

Which would explain her regret, wouldn't it?

By DMA | 11

#7677345 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 18:37

“11:58pm - He’s in bed with some chick.
11:59pm - Looks like she’s wearing one of YOUR tops.
12:00am - She’s checking her phone… oh wait.
12:01am - Turns out he was with you.
12:02am - You look a bit stressed. Should I come over?”

By RichardPencil | 29

#7677373 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 20:30

Three-way!!! That’ll fix everything in one fell swoop!

Aren’t you grateful that you have access to my genius?

By Charlie Given | 23

#7677418 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 22:52

Wow time for the police before it escalates into something for worse.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7677451 - Thursday 16 August 2018 0:12

Well you are above crazy then, congrats!

By tounces7 | 27

#7677511 - Thursday 16 August 2018 4:53

Sounds like she's just using you as a way to distract him off of her.

By Abbusser | 9

#7677569 - Thursday 16 August 2018 8:43

And now, you are also regretting her previous choice...