Intimacy: Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight."... - FML

By cold-n-stinky - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31739

You deserved it

9264

Tweet

Share

Dangling modifier

Oh, hai!

Targeted

By PissedAtLife - United States

Today, I was invited to a counseling group for people with emotional problems. I brought the permission slip home for my mom to sign, only for her to accuse me of being a hypochondriacal, lazy, selfish bitch. And my friends wonder why I have problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31319

You deserved it

3222

Tweet

Share

By Should have stayed in the closet

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5289

You deserved it

1063

Tweet

Share

By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24359

You deserved it

2530

Tweet

Share

By manoloonfire - 21/12/2020 15:04 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Thanks, dad

Today, I'm a MD who graduated with honors. I can't work right now because I'm preparing myself for the medical residence exam. I want to be a cardiovascular surgeon. My dad is ashamed of me and treats me like shit, because I don't work and I'm 26 years-old, living with my parents while I'm studying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1130

You deserved it

76

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 17:01

Take the compliment

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1203

You deserved it

397

Tweet

Share

By meowymomma - United States

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24450

You deserved it

1434

Tweet

Share

By

Please do it

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3182

You deserved it

339

Tweet

Share

By DreeStahr - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13779

You deserved it

1347

Tweet

Share

By - United States

Today, as I was mowing my neighbors lawn, I found the playboy magazine he left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34170

You deserved it

7022

Tweet

Share

By Dlpnlvr85 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11481

You deserved it

827

Tweet

Share

By BlakeVB

Today, the girl that I had a crush on for over a year, from whom I recently moved on from, told me that she likes me. I’m dating a new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1841

You deserved it

261

Tweet

Share

By Thescarlettfox

Monster in my bathroom

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1394

You deserved it

832

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 06:55 - United Kingdom

I need it

Today, my husband and I have such busy careers, we have to schedule sex for when we’re both at home and hopefully not too tired, otherwise we’d never have sex at all. The last time we had sex was on my birthday, in April, and our next appointment is mid September. I really miss sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1665

You deserved it

521

Tweet

Share

By Busted - United States

Today, my friend and I doodled on a sheet of paper trashing our English teacher. Later, I went to English class, and my teacher asked for us to take out a sheet of loose sheet of paper and write an essay. It wasn't until I had written on the whole front and flipped to the back that I realized I was using the doodle sheet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6809

You deserved it

42754

Tweet

Share

By EMT_Koulianos - United States

Today, I was performing CPR on a woman on her floor while her internal defibrillator kept firing, making her whole body jump. When it fired, her hand went straight up into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55023

You deserved it

4074

Tweet

Share

By Emcee - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50557

You deserved it

6152

Tweet

Share

By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33586

You deserved it

2667

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Romania - Cluj-napoca

Today, I asked my bosses for three weeks off in July to go on a much-needed vacation. Their response was to fire me on the spot. My bosses are my aunt and uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36015

You deserved it

4025

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Sounds healthy

Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1640

You deserved it

131

Tweet

Share

By catlady5569 - United States

Today, my sister came over for a visit. I was going to surprise her with the news that I had spontaneously gotten a cat. The first thing she told me when she came in was that she ran over my neighbor's cat. None of my neighbors have cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56043

You deserved it

4346

Tweet

Share

By Anon - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22605

You deserved it

1462

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6889

You deserved it

27105

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Greenfield

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29211

You deserved it

1594

Tweet

Share

By Miss_Kristen - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20345

You deserved it

34307

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23153

You deserved it

2104

Tweet

Share

By poor baby - Germany

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31993

You deserved it

5120

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3170

You deserved it

280

Tweet

Share

By lvegadelgado_6 - United States - Deerfield

Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23472

You deserved it

2110

Tweet

Share

By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15312

You deserved it

1455

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42971

You deserved it

4048

Tweet

Share

By Cassidy - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13292

You deserved it

35620

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I burned my butt on the heater when I tried to warm up after my shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9640

You deserved it

27422

Tweet

Share

By bruised_scrotum - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54322

You deserved it

4788

Tweet

Share

By sarahijklmnop - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27026

You deserved it

2004

Tweet

Share

By blackedout - Singapore

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63165

You deserved it

3781

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was stopped in traffic when a woman rear-ended me, backed up, and sped off along the shoulder, taking my passenger side mirror with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2911

You deserved it

128

Tweet

Share

By BureaucraticLimbo

Card problem

Today, I was told I can't renew my Identity Card without a Social Security Card, and I can't get a replacement Social Security Card without an Identity Card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6323

You deserved it

500

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52833

You deserved it

4761

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46792

You deserved it

5234

Tweet

Share

By abonde29

Today, I got a text from my cousin saying he's gay. I was thrilled and told him I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4189

You deserved it

535

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By scheme | 0

#770096 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:16

owned

By Craig92EIRE | 0

#770119 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:32

at least you're warm:)

COMMENTS

By alexwilliamson | 0

#770093 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:15

Yeah, fuck your life.

Reply

Justforlolz | 14

#1095150 - Thursday 15 July 2010 21:15

That wuz pretty dam funny. Lolz and least your warm.

Reply

Fmyspam | 0

#2940970 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 23:18

Or fuck your wife.

Reply

dylly17 | 4

#3791870 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 4:20

This isn't an FML. Don't take it so seriously :P Your wife was just joking around!

By gearsawar2 | 0

#770094 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:15

first

Reply

Spac3Ghost | 0

#770248 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 15:02

fail =()

Reply

robosonic | 2

#1170414 - Sunday 1 August 2010 10:44

WTF is a threadjack anyway?

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#2532340 - Thursday 19 May 2011 7:35

wow... you must be scared for life

Reply

crymore007 | 11

#3048338 - Saturday 6 August 2011 2:40

yeah 106 I'd be pretty frightened too

Reply

crymore007 | 11

#3048341 - Saturday 6 August 2011 2:40

yeah 106 I'd be pretty frightened too

By scheme | 0

#770096 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:16

owned

Reply

fireflames113 | 6

#2312752 - Friday 8 April 2011 5:05

very much so

By Jesta05 | 0

#770106 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:19

YDI for using sucha cheesy line

Reply

memcp | 0

#2050963 - Sunday 6 February 2011 8:11

Agreed! (;

Reply

PinkGirl246 | 8

#5361151 - Saturday 9 February 2013 20:21

I think it's a great line(: very romantic... Until the fart fest..

By helloimkellay | 0

#770110 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:26

thats disgusting.

Reply

ShannyAK | 16

#4647515 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 23:20

Everyone farts

Reply

PinkGirl246 | 8

#5361153 - Saturday 9 February 2013 20:23

Its natural! If my boyfriend did that I'd laugh so hard!

Reply

dc120994 | 11

#6265733 - Saturday 18 April 2015 2:48

that's called true love

By Craig92EIRE | 0

#770119 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:32

at least you're warm:)

Reply

shoieb9 | 14

#770122 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:37

Was about to say that :D

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#1945186 - Sunday 9 January 2011 7:51

warm and smelly.

By lsantos | 0

#770132 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:42

Ahhh... the joys of marraige. at least you know she would probably also pee on you if a jellyfish stung you.

By itouchguy360 | 3

#770137 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:47

So your wife has a sick sense of humor? Not really an fml.

By SliceNthrice | 0

#770153 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 13:07

Your fml gave me a boner. That's one H O T wife.

Reply

teenager34 | 0

#979550 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 1:42

lmao

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#981560 - Monday 19 April 2010 0:32

hahhahahahahah wtf

By me5 | 0

#770156 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 13:10

Times are a-changing! 