Intimacy: Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight."... - FML

By cold-n-stinky - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

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Messed up

All for nothing

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

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By justlittleoldme - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed 'I Love You'. After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back and said, 'What kind of gun was it?' FML

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By meowmeow - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 05:00

TMI

Today, I was trying to teach my Aunt and Gran to use Google drive to share and upload pictures, when I scrolled past an image of my… yep. I didn't have a mirror when the pic was taken and I was concerned about a sore. Now they just think I'm a whore. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 7/11/2020 23:02

Happens at all ages

Today, my roommate had to ask to check if I was drinking water instead of alcohol. Twice. Then she 'suggested' that I 'might' be an alcoholic. I'm only 21. FML

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By cperagui

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

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By mariana - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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By tiredofthis - United States - Jefferson City

Today, my roommate set her extremely loud alarm clock for 5am and continued to hit the snooze button every ten minutes until 7:30. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - 26/3/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

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By sugarbeet - United States

Sounds nice

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

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By sickpuppy

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

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By pinkblankets - United States

Today, I woke up with really dry, chapped lips. Still in bed, without my glasses on, I sleepily reached down into my purse for some chapstick and applied it. Upon awakening later I realized I had mistaken a mini Sharpie permanent marker for chapstick. I have a job interview today. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 20:00

Big Brother

Today, I was accused of "spying too much" on what my coworkers are writing about Covid-19 on the news site I work for. I'm one of the supervisors. FML

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By Kerry - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

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By tima

* backs away slowly *

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

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By Buzz

Today, I've been caffeine-free for 2 weeks. It's turned me into a constipated angry bitch. FML

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By welcome to the neighborhood - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

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By really - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

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By SharkWeek - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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By aoliver03

Today, I spilled my guts out to my fiancé about some insecurities I've been having. I then turned to look at him through tears at his expressionless face as he texted someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

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By fugly - United States - Landenberg

Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

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By ugh - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

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By Mb13

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

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By humbug - United States - Broomfield

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML

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By yellow_sunflowers101 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

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By staceyymaee - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

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By boohoo - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

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By SLA - United States

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By Alejandroc - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

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By Fefe - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By limegreenpoopie - United States - Valrico

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Falls Church

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

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By call me humpty

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

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By Riley - United Kingdom

Today, my grandma got up at 6:30am, clattered about the bathroom then sang religious songs at the top of her voice for half an hour. Apparently this is her normal routine, weekends included. She is staying with us for a month. FML

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By TimeForACareerChange - United States

Plop

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

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Top comments

By scheme | 0

#770096 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:16

owned

By Craig92EIRE | 0

#770119 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:32

at least you're warm:)

COMMENTS

By alexwilliamson | 0

#770093 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:15

Yeah, fuck your life.

Reply

Justforlolz | 14

#1095150 - Thursday 15 July 2010 21:15

That wuz pretty dam funny. Lolz and least your warm.

Reply

Fmyspam | 0

#2940970 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 23:18

Or fuck your wife.

Reply

dylly17 | 4

#3791870 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 4:20

This isn't an FML. Don't take it so seriously :P Your wife was just joking around!

By gearsawar2 | 0

#770094 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:15

first

Reply

Spac3Ghost | 0

#770248 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 15:02

fail =()

Reply

robosonic | 2

#1170414 - Sunday 1 August 2010 10:44

WTF is a threadjack anyway?

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#2532340 - Thursday 19 May 2011 7:35

wow... you must be scared for life

Reply

crymore007 | 11

#3048338 - Saturday 6 August 2011 2:40

yeah 106 I'd be pretty frightened too

Reply

crymore007 | 11

#3048341 - Saturday 6 August 2011 2:40

yeah 106 I'd be pretty frightened too

By scheme | 0

#770096 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:16

owned

Reply

fireflames113 | 6

#2312752 - Friday 8 April 2011 5:05

very much so

By Jesta05 | 0

#770106 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:19

YDI for using sucha cheesy line

Reply

memcp | 0

#2050963 - Sunday 6 February 2011 8:11

Agreed! (;

Reply

PinkGirl246 | 8

#5361151 - Saturday 9 February 2013 20:21

I think it's a great line(: very romantic... Until the fart fest..

By helloimkellay | 0

#770110 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:26

thats disgusting.

Reply

ShannyAK | 16

#4647515 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 23:20

Everyone farts

Reply

PinkGirl246 | 8

#5361153 - Saturday 9 February 2013 20:23

Its natural! If my boyfriend did that I'd laugh so hard!

Reply

dc120994 | 11

#6265733 - Saturday 18 April 2015 2:48

that's called true love

By Craig92EIRE | 0

#770119 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:32

at least you're warm:)

Reply

shoieb9 | 14

#770122 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:37

Was about to say that :D

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#1945186 - Sunday 9 January 2011 7:51

warm and smelly.

By lsantos | 0

#770132 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:42

Ahhh... the joys of marraige. at least you know she would probably also pee on you if a jellyfish stung you.

By itouchguy360 | 3

#770137 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:47

So your wife has a sick sense of humor? Not really an fml.

By SliceNthrice | 0

#770153 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 13:07

Your fml gave me a boner. That's one H O T wife.

Reply

teenager34 | 0

#979550 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 1:42

lmao

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#981560 - Monday 19 April 2010 0:32

hahhahahahahah wtf

By me5 | 0

#770156 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 13:10

Times are a-changing! 