Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because... - FML

By Lovergirl - 1/1/2010 20:23 - United States

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

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Tense

Mr Sensitivity

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 16:17 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

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By jealouspussy - 20/2/2013 06:55 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

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By Bebefer - 15/3/2012 07:49 - United States

Today, my mother and I went to a meeting at my school about a camping trip the students in my grade will be going on. When the time to ask questions came, my mother raised her hand and loudly asked, "What if my child is on their period during the trip?" FML

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By religionbites621 - 22/11/2011 17:18 - United States

Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By anonymous - 14/12/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

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By funfettifirework - 18/8/2016 05:08 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

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By Noname - 8/2/2009 07:39 - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2012 21:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

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By AML - 31/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

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By Laura - 11/3/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

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By rebekah - 3/4/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

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By Pang - 19/12/2018 16:00

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By Locked Out - 14/5/2013 19:11 - United States

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

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By izzy - 7/2/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend left me for his sister. No, not my sister. His sister. FML

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By fledermausi - 12/6/2012 13:02 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I came home to my boyfriend emptying his bowels into my aquarium. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 06:57 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 09:08 - Australia

Today, I accidentally pressed the panic button under the register at work. I didn't even know we had a panic button until the cops showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

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By S. Michaels - 14/3/2012 15:17 - United States

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

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By flatchested Sam - 1/12/2013 00:16 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

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By hackling fellow - 10/3/2011 13:17

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

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By amy - 20/7/2019 02:09

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 20:14 - United States - Champlin

Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML

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By feelgood - 29/7/2013 05:08 - United States

Today, I woke up on the last day of my vacation at the beach to find that my dog had chewed a hole in the wall of my rented house, 2 hours before the owner arrived to check for any damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2013 10:43 - United States

Today, after months of searching and several emotional breakdowns, I finally found a new job. My wife's words of encouragement? "Try not to fuck this one up." FML

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By Jebus - 7/6/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I walked to Starbucks. On the way a homeless guy asked me for change and I lied and said I had no money. On my way back, Strawberry Frappuccino in hand, the same guy recognized me. He followed me for 3 blocks, swearing and yelling at me. FML

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By bewitched and bothered - 2/2/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

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By post valentines depression - 7/4/2018 01:30

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

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By howprofessional - 6/9/2013 21:23 - United States - Dearborn

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

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By Grandzilla - 9/9/2016 04:10 - France - Ablancourt

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

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By collegestudent - 20/9/2019 02:01

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2017 22:00

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Fashionista

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

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By Juanald - 5/11/2017 05:00

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2012 12:15 - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By Poopamus - 23/4/2019 14:00

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

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Top comments

By GeekLogic | 0

#749549 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:26

A skunk's defense against the buttsecks?

By Fmypanda | 0

#749562 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:32

Fuck your husband's life.

COMMENTS

By GeekLogic | 0

#749549 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:26

A skunk's defense against the buttsecks?

Reply

beckybecks20 | 8

#3424424 - Thursday 13 October 2011 1:58

That's fucking hilarious. XD

By itz_tizzy_bitch | 0

#749558 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:30

hahahahah accuride lol

By Fmypanda | 0

#749562 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:32

Fuck your husband's life.

Reply

kittehkat87 | 4

#1352047 - Saturday 4 September 2010 20:37

For him, this can be considered a "shitty" situation!

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#2779924 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 16:43

XD hehehe

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#749577 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:38

#3 yes

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#968188 - Thursday 25 March 2010 22:48

agreed:)

By GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#749585 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:46

uhm yep :)

By jamjenni2774 | 0

#749588 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:48

why in the hell would u b in bed with no panties on knowing damn well that u have the 's That is just nasty, but funny as hell.

Reply

misha1995 | 0

#749618 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:09

She never said she was pantyless

Reply

BigMacBoi | 3

#3236582 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:44

6- Please leave.

By rlet | 1

#749600 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:57

this is really disgusting but funny at the same time hahahah

Reply

Idiot_Savant | 0

#1239401 - Saturday 14 August 2010 6:10

agreed ;)

By thinmint | 0

#749634 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:28

lol that is fantastic!

By perdix | 29

#749636 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:30

That's a sure way to end domestic violence.

Of course, your sex life also probably left the building at the same moment. Sorry.

By fmlstalker | 0

#749638 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:31

hahahaha. sorry i just laughed at this. FYL indeed.