Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because... - FML

By Lovergirl - 1/1/2010 20:23 - United States

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

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Instadrama

You can't win sometimes

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

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By carey33 - 4/6/2020 14:15

Quite the catch

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

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By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By sirengamer - 14/6/2017 20:00 - United States

Today, I was at my job where we buy precious metals. A man came in and said, "Here, I have something special for you." He then pulled a tooth out of his mouth that had dental gold on it and placed in it my bare hand. Yeah, special indeed. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 6/4/2017 04:00

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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By toothpastecat - 13/5/2011 15:41 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

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By HWS - 15/4/2011 05:47 - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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By BKCK4187 - 20/12/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By - 27/12/2017 05:00

Maybe he is gay!

Today, my boyfriend got back from a long wrestling tournament. As a nice surprise, I decided to give him a little show over FaceTime. As soon as I stripped down into my bra and underwear, he paused the screen and started surfing the internet for new shoes. FML

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By bride - 27/3/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

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By dirtyclothess - 2/5/2011 00:01

Today, my mom informed me that she doesn't wash my clothes anymore. Instead, she sprays them with Febreze to "save money". FML

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By 4fucksake - 18/7/2010 23:26 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2019 04:30

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

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By Carl - 16/10/2011 12:47 - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 12:47 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

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By wrecked - 11/1/2010 13:43 - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 23:00

Family values

Today, I discovered that my very recent ex-fiancé tried to bang his sister-in-law several times while we were still together. The best part? She’s my son's teacher and she waited until we'd broken up to tell me. FML

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By Ouch - 21/10/2009 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I watched Juno. When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. FML

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By Donnie - 18/7/2019 06:00

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/5/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By ApparentlyBadDriver - 25/6/2015 10:10 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML

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By belieber101 - 17/3/2012 12:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I have been left home alone, the electricity has cut out, and I am petrified of the dark. I am stuck downstairs making karate noises every few minutes to scare off creepers. FML

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By everyoneheard - 28/3/2013 15:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was eating out with a group of friends and my boyfriend. During the meal, I accidentally took a sip from my male friend's glass. My boyfriend pointed and said, "Babe, you took his drink." My friend responded by putting his arm round me and saying, "Whatever, I took her virginity." FML

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By vickyxanne - 13/6/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

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By boinger - 3/6/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

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By no paedo - 11/3/2016 20:35 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

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By lavenderpiss - 16/12/2013 02:04 - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I used my vaporiser to make my house smell like lavender while I went to work. My brother thought it would be funny to pee inside it. My whole house now smells like pissy lavender. FML

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By Brittany - 3/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

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By Mavis - 3/2/2009 07:54 - Canada

Today, I received an email invitation to a dating web site. It was from my father-in-law. FML

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By anonymoose - 30/5/2013 00:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2010 12:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML

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By Kyrie - 14/9/2017 20:00

Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML

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By bill - 24/10/2012 11:14 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. Out of anger, I spat my gum at her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into some bushes. FML

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By ayw329 - 31/1/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

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By wellgreat - 14/4/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I was in the Student Union when a man a came up to me and asked if I wanted to be in a study to see how men acted differently when working with attractive women. Flattered and taken aback, I agreed. He then told me I would be part of the control group to see how they act around plain looking women. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, I kissed a boy I have liked since the first day of university. I was thrilled until he followed it with, "Right, I don't think we should tell anyone this happened. Not that they'd believe it anyway." He then patted my ass and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2013 21:58 - United States - Reno

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

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Top comments

By GeekLogic | 0

#749549 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:26

A skunk's defense against the buttsecks?

By Fmypanda | 0

#749562 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:32

Fuck your husband's life.

Comments

By GeekLogic | 0

#749549 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:26

A skunk's defense against the buttsecks?

Reply

beckybecks20 | 8

#3424424 - Thursday 13 October 2011 1:58

That's fucking hilarious. XD

By itz_tizzy_bitch | 0

#749558 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:30

hahahahah accuride lol

By Fmypanda | 0

#749562 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:32

Fuck your husband's life.

Reply

kittehkat87 | 0

#1352047 - Saturday 4 September 2010 20:37

For him, this can be considered a "shitty" situation!

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#2779924 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 16:43

XD hehehe

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#749577 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:38

#3 yes

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#968188 - Thursday 25 March 2010 22:48

agreed:)

By GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#749585 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:46

uhm yep :)

By jamjenni2774 | 0

#749588 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:48

why in the hell would u b in bed with no panties on knowing damn well that u have the 's That is just nasty, but funny as hell.

Reply

misha1995 | 0

#749618 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:09

She never said she was pantyless

Reply

BigMacBoi | 3

#3236582 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:44

6- Please leave.

By rlet | 1

#749600 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:57

this is really disgusting but funny at the same time hahahah

Reply

Idiot_Savant | 0

#1239401 - Saturday 14 August 2010 6:10

agreed ;)

By thinmint | 0

#749634 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:28

lol that is fantastic!

By perdix | 29

#749636 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:30

That's a sure way to end domestic violence.

Of course, your sex life also probably left the building at the same moment. Sorry.

By fmlstalker | 0

#749638 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:31

hahahaha. sorry i just laughed at this. FYL indeed.