Intimacy: Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because... - FML

By Lovergirl - United States

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

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This Charming Man

Falling Down

Spy vs. Spy

By cassiebee - United States - Morgan

Today, at work I was trying to be nice and give a customer a discount because she was having trouble finding money to pay for her food. Everybody behind her then demanded a discount as well. FML

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By :^( - Bahrain - Isa Town

Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML

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By for the whored - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

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By better late than never

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after moving house, changing my number, my email, and beginning legal action to get away from a girl who was stalking me, I decided to go to the movies to relax. As soon as I got in my seat, that same girl walked into the nearly empty theatre. She sat next to me. FML

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By UglyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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By Mangler - Belgium

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

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By Sunshine.0.ninja - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

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By dumbass

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By get tf over it! - 30/6/2020 20:02

Cartoon villain

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

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By puggles - United States

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

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By CH - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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By Technomage - 27/3/2021 11:01

Cut short

Today, my first day at the job, I went up to my coworker and began to ask her name. She cut me off and snapped, “I have a name.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Niles

Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML

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By Cromwel620 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

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By CurseYouSonyaLee - United States - Midlothian

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Saint Marys

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

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By 0ptimu5 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

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By dabull - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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By rhplb - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I arrived to work at exactly 8 so I could leave at exactly 5, without overtime. I found out later that my brother took my keys with him somewhere and now I can't enter the house until he gets back at 11. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved half my eyebrow off trying to shave my uni-brow. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

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By bleue - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let a loud fart rip. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

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By Rachel247 - Israel

Today, we had a hike at my camp. We hiked in a line. I suddenly felt things hitting me at the back of the head. After a few minutes I finally turn around, only to discover a bunch of older guys throwing tampons at my head. They were my tampons, falling one by one out of my unzipped bag. FML

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By

Today, I realized how exhausted I was when I mixed up my eye makeup remover with toner. My eye still burns. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandown

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 20:03

Greed

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

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By Anonymous

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

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By soontobehobo - United States - Mankato

Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't scheduled for any shifts next week. Not thinking it was a big deal, I called HR to get it corrected, only to find out I was laid off and they "forgot" to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyone for cake?

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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By blindedbyOCD

Today, I accidentally poked myself in the left eye. As I sat there in pain, my 9-year-old nephew, who we think has OCD, decided to help out by poking me in the right eye. FML

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By thanks, cunt-o - Australia - Blackburn

Today, my friends convinced me to go out clubbing with them for the first time. "You'll get some action", they said. The only action I got was some drunk bloke staggering into me and spraying me with vomit just minutes after arriving. FML

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By ConstructionLady - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

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By larry_richard - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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By thankspal - United States

Today, while shopping, I bumped into a guy I knew in high school. He went on about he heard I'd got married, looked like I'd had a baby, and that, "she looks just like you!" The kid was my niece, and my husband broke up with me 2 years ago. Thanks for bringing that up. FML

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Top comments

By GeekLogic | 0

#749549 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:26

A skunk's defense against the buttsecks?

By Fmypanda | 0

#749562 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:32

Fuck your husband's life.

COMMENTS

By GeekLogic | 0

#749549 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:26

A skunk's defense against the buttsecks?

Reply

beckybecks20 | 8

#3424424 - Thursday 13 October 2011 1:58

That's fucking hilarious. XD

By itz_tizzy_bitch | 0

#749558 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:30

hahahahah accuride lol

By Fmypanda | 0

#749562 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:32

Fuck your husband's life.

Reply

kittehkat87 | 4

#1352047 - Saturday 4 September 2010 20:37

For him, this can be considered a "shitty" situation!

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#2779924 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 16:43

XD hehehe

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#749577 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:38

#3 yes

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#968188 - Thursday 25 March 2010 22:48

agreed:)

By GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#749585 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:46

uhm yep :)

By jamjenni2774 | 0

#749588 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:48

why in the hell would u b in bed with no panties on knowing damn well that u have the 's That is just nasty, but funny as hell.

Reply

misha1995 | 0

#749618 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:09

She never said she was pantyless

Reply

BigMacBoi | 3

#3236582 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:44

6- Please leave.

By rlet | 1

#749600 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:57

this is really disgusting but funny at the same time hahahah

Reply

Idiot_Savant | 0

#1239401 - Saturday 14 August 2010 6:10

agreed ;)

By thinmint | 0

#749634 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:28

lol that is fantastic!

By perdix | 29

#749636 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:30

That's a sure way to end domestic violence.

Of course, your sex life also probably left the building at the same moment. Sorry.

By fmlstalker | 0

#749638 - Saturday 2 January 2010 2:31

hahahaha. sorry i just laughed at this. FYL indeed.