Miscellaneous: Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar... - FML

By goblue - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Motormouth

Thanks Felicia

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

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By ModernDayMaid

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 05:02

Lonely, so lonely

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents and the question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absent-mindedly typed the old dating site. I swiped completely dry with no responses into my browser, reminding myself that my entire city didn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

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By thebrokentardis - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML

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By socreepedouticanteven - United States - Procious

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

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By Robert - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in my front yard. As I stormed off in my dramatic exit, I realized I had locked myself outside. I had to ask my now ex-boyfriend to borrow his phone so I could call my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was ringing in a customer I noticed that the Febreeze spray can was wet. Noticing this I sniffed my hands because they had gotten wet and said to the customer, "Oh the can is leaking want to go get another one?" He then said, "No it's OK, I just sweat a lot." I sniffed some customer's sweat. FML

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By bananapie69 - 29/5/2020 23:00

Serial killer

Today, during my staff Google Meet conference, I forgot to mute my mic when I joined and I was still listening to a true crime podcast. I started to notice people's confused looks and realized they were all hearing the details of the bodies found. FML

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By scared for life - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By Grossed Out - Australia

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By nopissleft - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

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By ilovefootball - United States

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

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By need sleep - United States - Severna Park

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 14:00

Lightweight

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

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By lovecrisis247 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

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By zawbentley - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response: "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

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By baldintheback - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By mrnikc - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By Dom - South Africa - Kwa-zulu

Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML

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By __shirtless__

Today I found out that paying $40 for next-day shipping doesn't ensure that you'll receive the item the next day or even the next week. I assumed it was my fault for ordering too late into the holiday season. Turns out they never shipped it. When I finally received it 10 days late, it was the wrong item. FML

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By jgdgjyfg - United Kingdom

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

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By Scoudrel - 26/2/2021 17:01

Having multiple jobs may have its benefits

Today, I flirted with the cashier at the local bagel joint. I complimented her unique blue hair and got her number. Later on that evening, she served my girlfriend and me our food at a different restaurant. FML

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By Disappointed Mom - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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By Nebraskawreck

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

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By musicyman55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

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By uvagirl - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML

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By Anonymous

Cheater

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

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By beta

Today, my date unexpectedly brought her friend to dinner with us. They seemed bored of me after ten minutes and left me out of their conversation for the rest of the night. Oh, and they made me pay for both of them. FML

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By misty - Canada

Today, after checking in and waiting 3 hours to see the doctor, the receptionist said she forgot about me because she didn't see me. She asked me to come back tomorrow. I was sitting right in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mariposa

Today, I found out that the money that my wife claims went into repairing her car engine actually is going towards helping her pay for a divorce. FML

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By :| - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By Misky

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By unsuspcted - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

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By anonymous - 17/7/2020 08:00

The apple of my eye

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by bringing him some dinner. He made the same noise unwrapping the burger that he does when he sees me naked. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Oh, thanks…

Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML

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By shittyhall

Today, someone shat liquid poo in the hallway at work. Right. Outside. The bathroom. Another foot and they could have used a toilet instead of the carpeted floor. FML

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Top comments

By W76 | 0

#729711 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:14

You not lock your apartment?

By LilaBear | 1

#729784 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:34

I second, third, fourth, and tenth everybody who's already asked why your door wasn't locked.

COMMENTS

By Flamersplamer | 0

#729705 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:11

ROFLMAO!

Reply

sexxxtacy | 0

#730030 - Monday 21 December 2009 17:32

too bad. this girl was a gift from god and you didn't get some.

Reply

Dr_Haiku | 0

#730597 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 0:22

One question for me
Did you go through her wallet?
Or get a free feel?

Reply

effyoubitch | 5

#3434140 - Saturday 15 October 2011 5:26

That's two questions.

By W76 | 0

#729711 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:14

You not lock your apartment?

Reply

BeeSkwaird | 0

#729777 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:17

Exactly.

YDI.

Reply

marc_with_a_c | 3

#729827 - Monday 21 December 2009 14:41

Yeah.. why wasn't the door locked?

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#988830 - Thursday 6 May 2010 7:44

it would be even worse if he did lock it

By happyhak | 5

#729714 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:15

why call her father? call the cops! FYL

By Jimboom | 11

#729737 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:38

So did you fuck her at least? I mean she puked all over your place thats the least she could do for you in return. Plus she would be in the perfect position if her head was down the toilet for some doggy style. :-P

Reply

BikerMike | 0

#730863 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 3:01

man that is fucking funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#988831 - Thursday 6 May 2010 7:45

you guys are pigs

Reply

baxeh | 29

#6010643 - Thursday 17 July 2014 11:46

Ew.

Reply

xyris_fml | 28

#6398802 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 0:08

And the award for "Shallowest Comment" goes to...

In all seriousness, do you not realize that's rape if he has sex with her while she's obviously near blackout drunk and he's sober?

By VirtuallyUnbreak | 0

#729738 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:39

so did you bang her?

By snafu57 | 1

#729745 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:48

too bad about the puke. drunk girls can be interesting.

By startafire | 0

#729756 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:56

Lock your damn door.

Reply

dannnn_fml | 0

#983163 - Thursday 22 April 2010 1:22

If I don't lock my door will hot guys wander into my house? hmmmm

By lickmyjock | 0

#729769 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:03

YDI for not taking advantage of the situation.

By guckylynn | 19

#729775 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:15

And she got in your apartment how? Lock the door next time.

Reply

FusionPlacebo | 26

#6326623 - Sunday 21 June 2015 5:02

I wish I could hear more to this FML. I understand she was in his doorway, but who's to say she didn't break in through the door. Maybe he forgot to lock it?

By LilaBear | 1

#729784 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:34

I second, third, fourth, and tenth everybody who's already asked why your door wasn't locked.