Miscellaneous: Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar... - FML

By goblue - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

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Proactive

A saint

Mystery

By sillybrohos - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

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By Jenbearish

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

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By lonelyguy321 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to bed with three hot, half-naked girls beneath me. I was in the bunk above. Alone. FML

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By htx91 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after opening a letter from the VA, I found out that I have to pay back all the money I earned last year in the Army. I just spent $500 on Christmas presents. Payments start in January. FML

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By kj1 - United States - Draper

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me from the other room for washing the dishes "too loudly". FML

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By shoelace18 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

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By Unluckiest Guy of the group - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

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By terrible kenny - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By FuckedByLife - United Kingdom - Bridgend

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, before setting off on my train journey I checked my booking. The (non-refundable) return date was a week later than I intended, and after buying a new ticket online, I was informed that I would be able to collect it in 2 hours. I leave in an hour. I'll have to pay three times to come home. FML

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By nevasurprised - Germany

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my wife, daughter, and I get to spend the next 4 hours in the ER. Why? Because we're all throwing up at the same time. At least it counts as a family activity. FML

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By Iwtumn - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By mexicandelicacy - United States

Today, I went to a Mexican restaurant with my family. I got stuck trying to decide whether I should get the fajitas or the tacos. I ended up getting the tacos because I didn't want the fajitas to come in sizzling, and I didn't want to "make a scene". My social anxiety has hit a new low. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was sneaking out before my parents woke, he slipped on some ice and fell on their car. The alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By phillij2 - United States

That hurts, BTW

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

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By dontask - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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By puppylove - United States

Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I called back a number I recently missed a call from. To my surprise, it was the number of my boyfriend's fiancé. I've been with him 4 years, he's been with her for 6. Turns out, not only is he a cheating jerk, but technically I'M the other woman. FML

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By JTinNJ - United States - Parsippany

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

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By fuckyouverymuch - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found the special needle I needed yesterday for a school biology project. I found it by walking around barefoot at 5 am. FML

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By SophieGray - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

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By Alex

Today, marks three weeks since I started my new dream job. It also marks the second time this week alone that I've clogged the toilet in the restroom. I'm almost 100% sure all my coworkers know it was me. FML

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By Telemarket - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

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By Inod - United States

Today, I finally got a Wii Fit to try and lose some weight. I came home and set it all up, only to be told that I weigh too much to actually use it. FML

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By holywowz

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

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By Sarcasmo - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

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By ethawesome1125 - United States - Round Rock

Today, I found a $20 bill on the ground, so I decided to pick it up. It was actually attached to a string and was meant to be a prank by some kids. They failed miserably, so I took the money. They ran up to me and punched me in the balls for taking their cash. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

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By coeurdlucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By motherdearest - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By collegekidproblems - United States

Today, I have put in many job applications and had many interviews for a variety of positions all of which I am highly qualified for. Today, I heard back from all but one that I am overqualified. Welcome to Walmart. FML

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By disgusted - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, while at work, a rather large woman came in and ordered a cheeseburger. When asking if she would like to supersize it, she took her purse, smacked me, and told me she wasn't fat, and how rude I was for calling her supersized. I was just doing my job. FML

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By Anonymous

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

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Top comments

By W76 | 0

#729711 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:14

You not lock your apartment?

By LilaBear | 1

#729784 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:34

I second, third, fourth, and tenth everybody who's already asked why your door wasn't locked.

COMMENTS

By Flamersplamer | 0

#729705 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:11

ROFLMAO!

Reply

sexxxtacy | 0

#730030 - Monday 21 December 2009 17:32

too bad. this girl was a gift from god and you didn't get some.

Reply

Dr_Haiku | 0

#730597 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 0:22

One question for me
Did you go through her wallet?
Or get a free feel?

Reply

effyoubitch | 5

#3434140 - Saturday 15 October 2011 5:26

That's two questions.

By W76 | 0

#729711 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:14

You not lock your apartment?

Reply

BeeSkwaird | 0

#729777 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:17

Exactly.

YDI.

Reply

marc_with_a_c | 3

#729827 - Monday 21 December 2009 14:41

Yeah.. why wasn't the door locked?

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#988830 - Thursday 6 May 2010 7:44

it would be even worse if he did lock it

By happyhak | 5

#729714 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:15

why call her father? call the cops! FYL

By Jimboom | 11

#729737 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:38

So did you fuck her at least? I mean she puked all over your place thats the least she could do for you in return. Plus she would be in the perfect position if her head was down the toilet for some doggy style. :-P

Reply

BikerMike | 0

#730863 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 3:01

man that is fucking funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#988831 - Thursday 6 May 2010 7:45

you guys are pigs

Reply

baxeh | 29

#6010643 - Thursday 17 July 2014 11:46

Ew.

Reply

xyris_fml | 28

#6398802 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 0:08

And the award for "Shallowest Comment" goes to...

In all seriousness, do you not realize that's rape if he has sex with her while she's obviously near blackout drunk and he's sober?

By VirtuallyUnbreak | 0

#729738 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:39

so did you bang her?

By snafu57 | 1

#729745 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:48

too bad about the puke. drunk girls can be interesting.

By startafire | 0

#729756 - Monday 21 December 2009 12:56

Lock your damn door.

Reply

dannnn_fml | 0

#983163 - Thursday 22 April 2010 1:22

If I don't lock my door will hot guys wander into my house? hmmmm

By lickmyjock | 0

#729769 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:03

YDI for not taking advantage of the situation.

By guckylynn | 19

#729775 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:15

And she got in your apartment how? Lock the door next time.

Reply

FusionPlacebo | 26

#6326623 - Sunday 21 June 2015 5:02

I wish I could hear more to this FML. I understand she was in his doorway, but who's to say she didn't break in through the door. Maybe he forgot to lock it?

By LilaBear | 1

#729784 - Monday 21 December 2009 13:34

I second, third, fourth, and tenth everybody who's already asked why your door wasn't locked.