Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking...

By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Boozehound alert

Incognito browsing

By sarahfromthesouth - 8/6/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 20:42 - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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By FatalxDesire599 - 5/3/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2011 06:40 - Australia

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

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By rawr117 - 10/6/2017 04:00

Today, while working at the local paintball place, I noticed a girl without the safety on her paintball gun. I approached and reminded her to put the safety on, to which she replied "Don't worry im not going to shoot you." And then she did. It hit my happy sacks. FML

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By jp_boards - 12/12/2017 14:58

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

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By Temporalvisions - 13/7/2017 16:30 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

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By babbling idiot - 14/8/2015 09:35 - Canada

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 20:41 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to do a presentation in front of my entire school. I was very nervous, so I used the old trick of picturing everyone naked. Everyone then got a good view of my erection. FML

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By Tripp - 14/7/2019 14:00

Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

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By foreveravirgin - 15/8/2012 19:07 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

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By - 26/2/2020 01:00

Nothing

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

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By Paul - 8/8/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

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By HungerStrike - 29/12/2014 23:28 - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

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By Spooked - 6/3/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By helpme - 3/5/2017 02:00

Today, my gay best friend slept over, as he has many times during the past three years of our friendship. This time, however, he confessed to me that he's only pretended to be gay to get closer to me because he's in love with me. I've allowed my stalker to sleep in my house and in my bed for three years. FML

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By apparentlynotengaged - 4/7/2019 11:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 15:10 - Canada

Today, I propositioned my boyfriend of two years to have sex with me in the shower to spice up our love life. He said that he was really busy. He was playing Call of Duty. FML

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By Ilostsomuch - 4/1/2012 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By starbird - 23/2/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

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By lez probs - 18/5/2013 12:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

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By Angie - 12/9/2015 21:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and filmed it, because it would "be a big hit on YouTube." FML

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By Will - 15/12/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

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By scooterbyrd - 31/8/2020 02:01

Don't follow by example

Today, I found out the psychiatrist who treats me for bipolar disorder died. He committed suicide. FML

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By This_Is_Me1982 - 3/1/2011 17:51 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 10:34 - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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By Thistle - 12/9/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I filled out an application at WalMart after being unable to find a job in three months. I just graduated from law school. With honors. FML

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By Confused - 13/5/2013 14:39 - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 06:57 - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By just_friends - 27/10/2010 17:19 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 04:00

Make it easy on yourself

Today, I had depressive feelings, so I decided to write about it to find out what was bothering me, and let go of the negative thoughts. While doing so, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 15:16 - United States - Clermont

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

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By howler - 15/2/2011 06:44 - United States

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, my dads cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time, in my entire adult life, that he has visited me at my home. FML

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By anonymous - 4/9/2015 04:40 - United States - North Hollywood

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got a hold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible". He was referring to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2014 17:03 - United States - Portland

Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

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Top comments

By uneekfreak16 | 0

#216850 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:31

Are you the same guy with the FML who smashed his own nuts when he got scared and saw a spider on them?

By hyper12332 | 0

#216847 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:31

haha you little pussy

COMMENTS

By timeisindustry | 0

#216842 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:28

wow, you're retarded.

hellokittywhore | 0

#843574 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:25

butterflies are the root of all evil!!!! those sinister lil hevens!!!!! ;)))

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1006277 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 2:46

that got their attention.

jazziness | 12

#3101255 - Saturday 13 August 2011 18:45

I agree #170 I'm absolutely terrified of butterflies because they're crazy and ugly!!!!

QuirkyCorgiLove | 8

#4271481 - Saturday 7 April 2012 14:41

Butterflies are fucking terrifying.

VenomSiphon | 13

#4298205 - Friday 13 April 2012 5:45

You may all be glad to know that I now have a girlfriend.
I bet when I propose, a butterfly will flutter onto the scene and destroy me.

By hyper12332 | 0

#216847 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:31

haha you little pussy

Darraghscoot | 0

#975415 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 2:36

who pays attention to stamps?

lolfood | 24

#5391274 - Sunday 3 March 2013 18:02

What the fuck? ^^^

By uneekfreak16 | 0

#216850 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:31

Are you the same guy with the FML who smashed his own nuts when he got scared and saw a spider on them?

iampunk | 0

#1642444 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:17

LMFAO!

wtfisfmy | 0

#2730492 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 15:31

HAHA WOW!!! LMAO

Guatican | 6

#6098612 - Friday 24 October 2014 4:52

What the actual fuck?! XD

By ApplaudtheActor | 0

#216854 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:32

Macho.

I'll bet you got lots of numbers after that, eh?

By amateur_ninja | 0

#216865 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:35

Did the scary butterfly take your balls?

kalixzo | 11

#990679 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 3:47

what if it was an evil butterfly with laser beams and sharp teeth?

By eiji_chan | 0

#216868 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:35

Next time pee in your pants when you see a lady bug. Girls love sensitive men.

LOL #3 :D

By wtrplochica | 0

#216870 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:36

Don't worry. I'm afraid of them too... :)

pompompom_fml | 0

#800730 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 22:58

here's a possible date :)

By hayride1987 | 0

#216872 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:37

no wonder your available...

By deegee12 | 0

#216887 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:43

hmm. you're cool

By withfire | 0

#216892 - Thursday 21 May 2009 9:46

I'm guessing you had something in your stomach.