Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I... - FML

By Dkim620 - 7/1/2013 03:16 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Breaking Badly

Spooky

By overachiever - 18/7/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:16 - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, I was texting my boyfriend when he said, "Hold up." Thinking it'd be funny, I ran and grabbed my copy of the movie Up, and took a picture of me holding it and sent it to him. He replied, "Getting real tired of your shit." Then dumped me for my "dumb taste in humor." FML

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By wtf - 20/6/2011 07:43 - Canada

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

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By whattheheck - 4/6/2012 04:34 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 11:42 - Canada

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

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By beetregeneration - 16/11/2016 23:47 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

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By fuckoffgran - 1/8/2013 14:46 - Ireland

Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 02:43 - United States - Titusville

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML

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By sippinsoup22 - 16/2/2016 01:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was talking to my military brother about him coming home soon. I told him that our parents don't always handle change well, but are excited to see him. He took that to mean that they don't want him home and to make plans to stay where he is. FML

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By NeverLookingAgain - 30/12/2016 04:16 - United States

Today, I faced my fears. I've always had a weird fear of looking out of windows at night, afraid a face would suddenly appear. When I heard a strange noise outside, I looked out the window. Sure enough, the face of a man suddenly appeared. FML

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By BloodyHorror - 11/7/2019 22:00

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By 1 Giant Cupcake - 7/3/2009 00:09 - United States

Today, I drove to Bank of America to deposit money. Upon returning to my car I saw some new scratches on the front. I kicked and rubbed it to try and get rid of it. Then I notice someone in the car staring at me in bewilderment. I'd parked 2 spaces away. We have the same car. FML

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By Eyebrowless - 6/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

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By me - 19/2/2012 11:37 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend sang "happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembered the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

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By thenewone - 19/11/2009 20:09 - Brazil

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2012 22:06 - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By heartbroken - 4/12/2013 18:39 - United States - Huntington

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - 9/2/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By scumdresser - 29/9/2012 20:34 - United States - Pittsford

Today, an incredibly rude woman came in for a hairdressing appointment. I had to put up with being yelled at and called a "clumsy bitch," a "pleb," and other insults for almost half an hour. When I finally managed to finish her hair, instead of tipping me, she spat at my feet and stormed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 23:00

Go back to bed, Brad

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2014 01:31 - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 19:53 - United States

Today, while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - 29/6/2013 19:58 - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By Cam - 21/5/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

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By Matthew - 9/3/2020 19:00 - United States - Juneau

Not so Karate Kid

Today, my mom told me to do karate with her, and so I said no. Now my mom won't let me do anything until I go do karate with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

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By 97 - 17/2/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

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By ANON - 18/3/2016 16:04 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

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By misc - 16/1/2009 12:19 - United States

Today, my boss reeks of mothballs. We share a cubicle. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML

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By CatLady - 24/8/2009 13:38 - Canada

Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML

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By Confused Clipboard - 19/10/2016 14:41 - United States

Today, my math teacher explained his concern for how "clipboard" should be pronounced similar to "cupboard." I thought he was crazy. I then later found myself saying it the new way to my mother. FML

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By wellokthen - 26/11/2019 18:00 - United States - Birmingham

Bed move

Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML

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By brittrus - 8/5/2015 13:44 - Canada - Milton

Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2015 14:12 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

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By workfordayzz - 14/5/2014 17:45 - United States

Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML

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By beachbum - 27/2/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles and stood up, flipping him completely, only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I flipped a 70 year old man. FML

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Top comments

By Roguedork19 | 8

#5312472 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:12

This would be the perfect time to use one of those cheesy "I just fell for you" pickup lines ;)

By misspulkadot24 | 17

#5312473 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:12

Perhaps she can kiss your boo boos?

COMMENTS

By Roguedork19 | 8

#5312472 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:12

This would be the perfect time to use one of those cheesy "I just fell for you" pickup lines ;)

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5312534 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:51

He should ask her if she wants to take a break because of how tired she must be from running through his mind all day.

Reply

fenixtorador1 | 11

#5312841 - Monday 7 January 2013 15:12

Or get back up and ask her if she's okay. Once she asks what you're talking about, tell her that you thought it would hurt when an angel fell from heaven.

Reply

s15c | 9

#5313109 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

60- I couldn't help but think of Brick from Anchorman saying "You are invited to the pants party." after reading your comment.

Reply

CrazedOut | 2

#5314136 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:47

#1 couldnt agree more!

Reply

AksentNetharia | 12

#6064694 - Sunday 14 September 2014 11:18

Dammit #1 I was gonna say that! XD

By misspulkadot24 | 17

#5312473 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:12

Perhaps she can kiss your boo boos?

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5312540 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:55

I thought this said boobs when I first read it... anyone else, or is it just me?

Reply

NigerianMedicine | 11

#5313763 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 4:13

Welcome to the Internet.

Enjoy your stay.

By HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5312474 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:13

Hey well that's not a FML that's a great story to tell everyone! Plus I'm sure she thought it was really funny and then proceeded to help you out haha. Think positive

By Harpy20 | 24

#5312478 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:14

Well it's something to laugh about later. Chin up, mate.

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5312526 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:43

He might have had a tough time keeping his chin up while it was on the floor.

By btstig | 11

#5312481 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:14

Walk that shit off. She probably laughed. The ice is broken.

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5312527 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:47

Yeah, walk that shit off. I'm sure those gashes will heal in a few seconds.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5312542 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:58

Mine do, but I'm the cheerleader from Heroes.

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5312550 - Monday 7 January 2013 10:03

23: Claire? You are totally hot, and the show you're on is awesome.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5312560 - Monday 7 January 2013 10:13

Okay I lied, I'm syler. I totally killed that bitch! Oh well, back to chopping off people upper skulls to take their powers!

By pinkpixie06 | 11

#5312483 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:15

Your physical wounds will most likely heal faster than the blow to your ego. But I think those usually hurt the most! Feel better soon! :)

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5312546 - Monday 7 January 2013 10:00

Soooo, your letting OP know he feels bad? Okay then... Good talk.

By sugarshane007 | 20

#5312484 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:15

It seems that calamity has... befallen you.

Reply

Roguedork19 | 8

#5312491 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:18

Clever play on words my friend.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5312537 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:53

It seems you have really fallen for this girl, huh?

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5312545 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:59

Who knows, maybe she'll fall for OP too.

Reply

nigsuzzi | 3

#5312553 - Monday 7 January 2013 10:06

Op u probably blew it. Don't bother chasing after her you will only hurt yourself more.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5312563 - Monday 7 January 2013 10:16

Well that's incredibly pessimistic 30. I highly doubt there are that many girls out there that are that shallow.

Reply

charvisioku | 22

#5312707 - Monday 7 January 2013 12:42

30: If that blew it for him, she's not worth his time since it would mean she's insanely shallow... I doubt this affected his chances with her at all.

By zingline89 | 18

#5312494 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:19

Don't worry you can get back on track

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5312969 - Monday 7 January 2013 16:49

You just have yo keep on going.

By fightingkittens | 39

#5312498 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:22

Well that escalated quickly.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5312549 - Monday 7 January 2013 10:02

He fell, he deescalated quickly.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5312993 - Monday 7 January 2013 17:08

Disembarked, rather.

Reply

ErictheRed | 5

#5313830 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 5:35

I love that saying.

By baconstrips | 12

#5312502 - Monday 7 January 2013 9:26

Lol ya dun goofed