Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming... - FML

By QuicksilverMaximoff - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

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Proactive

Lobbied

Not a good look

By ThatHurts - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By SFBEL - Belgium - Leuven

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

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By cbrocks - United States

Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

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By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 2/3/2020 18:00

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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By boobs are for baby - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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By salt. - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom". That's how he put it, anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML

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By AAA guy - United States

Today, while on the job I accidentally locked my keys and all of my equipment in the car. I work for the AAA. FML

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By ohno - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

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By justlittleoldme - United States - Sarona

Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML

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By mexicandelicacy - United States

Today, I went to a Mexican restaurant with my family. I got stuck trying to decide whether I should get the fajitas or the tacos. I ended up getting the tacos because I didn't want the fajitas to come in sizzling, and I didn't want to "make a scene". My social anxiety has hit a new low. FML

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By sexyconvo - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

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By Shantwozzlah - United States - Kissimmee

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me by maniacally zooming in and out of traffic while we were on his motorcycle. His mood turned to anger when I nervously admitted to having voided my bowels. FML

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By BonGoWash - United States - Bronxville

Today, I went to do my laundry. Having no laundry bag, I put clothes in a suitcase and headed to the basement. When my roommate saw me, she burst into tears with happiness. FML

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By beurk - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband accused me of cheating on him and demanded to look through my phone. When he found nothing, he admitted to having his first gay experience this weekend and just wanting something to “even the field” before telling me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lubbock

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

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By littledipper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

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By vey - China - Beijing

Today, and for the third time this week, I found a pubic hair in my soup. I'm currently bed-ridden and can't afford to piss off my boyfriend by complaining. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was "so do you want to keep the mullet?". What mullet?! FML

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By PunkChik27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

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By bystander - United States

Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML

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By BetterThanFake - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By Jen

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By squeltorey - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 20:02

Surprise strike

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

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By EwwwwYuck - 3/8/2020 02:02

Yummy

Today, I set my parrot in the bathroom while I cleaned his cage, thinking he would be safe there. He was in fact safe, but not so the used maxi pad he chewed up. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

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By Idontlikefireworks2

FREEDOM

Today, some idiots set off fireworks close to my house. I was a bit worried, but my uncle assured me it would be fine and left to run an errand. Just minutes later, I looked up to find the tree right next to my wooden balcony engulfed in flames. FML

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By shelteredchild - United States

Today, I got the courage to ask my mom if I could go to the movies alone on my first date with my new boyfriend. She said ok, which was surprising because she never lets me go anywhere alone. When I got to the theatre with him I saw my mom. She had saved seats for us. FML

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By ~~~ - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

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By tsunami

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 17:00

He'll understand when he's older

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

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By Fattymuch - India

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

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Top comments

By ash14 | 0

#2026252 - Sunday 30 January 2011 18:59

wow she needs to be more worried about how bitchy she's being, instead of how "slutty" you are.

By Doortje | 28

#2026261 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:01

Wow, what a rude bitch. But why didn't you interrupt her OP?

COMMENTS

By ash14 | 0

#2026252 - Sunday 30 January 2011 18:59

wow she needs to be more worried about how bitchy she's being, instead of how "slutty" you are.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2026440 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:32

damn

Reply

iSitt | 0

#2026863 - Sunday 30 January 2011 22:52

tell her she forgot her lithium

Reply

iloveloosy12 | 0

#2027067 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:43

what an insane freak witch lady!

Reply

rebel408 | 0

#2027534 - Monday 31 January 2011 3:40

depends if she actually is a slut

Reply

Pg11 | 0

#2031681 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 3:05

did anyone else read that as "she got so worked up she started sweating"

Reply

Seabeast1000 | 4

#2116059 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 21:08

I would have started screaming back at her!

Reply

brenkite | 5

#3105692 - Sunday 14 August 2011 7:55

my sister used an analogy similar to this post to describe the woman who took Dumbledore's place after he disappeared with fox

Reply

mexicanguy39 | 7

#3677562 - Saturday 3 December 2011 18:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Doortje | 28

#2026261 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:01

Wow, what a rude bitch. But why didn't you interrupt her OP?

By Bakachu | 7

#2026263 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:01

Ahaa, that lady is a bad influence.

By ElectricGhost_fml | 5

#2026268 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:02

Wow you should have told her to mind her own business

Reply

alison179sd | 0

#2026454 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:40

totally.... she's like saying the OPis a slut but she is the one swearing at a toddler and a person she doesn't know.

By spikey818 | 9

#2026279 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:03

people shouldn't assume things

Reply

mycookiezz | 0

#2027270 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:48

When you assume it makes an ass out of you and me.

Reply

Snowstar | 0

#2027387 - Monday 31 January 2011 2:40

assume-u-me=a*s

Reply

QWERTYCommander | 5

#2027691 - Monday 31 January 2011 4:42

a multiplied by s?

Reply

babyyappld | 7

#2028964 - Monday 31 January 2011 13:21

unfortunately people do. this happened to me when I was taking care of my 3 year old cousin. but no one swore they just gave death stares

Reply

VaultDweller106 | 7

#4911521 - Sunday 9 September 2012 8:57

People stupidly give me stares when I'm with my 7 year old niece. I'm only 20 for craps sake.

By carameldrizzle | 0

#2026284 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:03

what an incosiderate bitch, swearing in front of a toddler

Reply

wellinever | 5

#2026293 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:05

Yes we can, but it does require weaponry.

Reply

5t3ff1k4h | 44

#2026309 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:07

That doesn't make her a slut. It makes her a bitch.

By awks | 0

#2026286 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:03

ｹﾞﾎｯｹﾞﾎｯ(>o

By Badjuju7711 | 0

#2026289 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:03

Unfortunately we still can't cure ignorance. . .

Reply

020266t | 5

#2026460 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:43

You can't fix the world, nor can you fix one

Reply

020266t | 5

#2026464 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:43

You can't fix the world, nor can you fix one

Reply

bored11 | 0

#2049900 - Sunday 6 February 2011 0:17

you can't fix stupid either which that one seemed to be for swearing in front of toddler.

By Akalia_fml | 7

#2026291 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:05

Wow, that was rude of her. She should't have had jumped to conclusions and she should have just minded her own business. I hope you're going to tell your friend's parents what happened so they don't blame you for the toddler swearing.

By YouHaveFailed | 0

#2026296 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:05

Wow. that bitch shouldnt assume.. Assume makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me"

Reply

saleha97 | 4

#2026747 - Sunday 30 January 2011 21:49

lmfao

Reply

NINJAPROTOTYPE10 | 0

#2027840 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:54

We know... Someone said that earlier... So dont copy