Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my... - FML

By EmbarrassedDaughter - 23/5/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed." FML

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Rock, hard place

Long story short

Headache

By MyNameIsNotJeff - 8/5/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

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By its_all_legit - 19/3/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

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By considering murder - 25/3/2016 17:19 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

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By Zizi - 4/7/2015 13:18 - Norway - Mosj?en

Today, I got punched in the face, had hair ripped out of my skull and broke a tooth on the pavement when I fell. Some guy mistook me for someone else. FML

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By half-dead in CA - 31/5/2014 16:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML

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By { o } - 22/3/2015 17:41 - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

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By wouldn'tyouliketoknow - 12/10/2019 02:00

Sneaky moggie

Today, my neighbours were screaming for their "lost" cat again. I've already seen the cat multiple times. In my garden. Pissing. FML

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By feelsterrible - 9/8/2012 19:51 - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2015 21:52 - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 06:00 - Australia

The devil is in the details

Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

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By StellarSapience - 22/5/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at work at an office store. I was instructed to put together several tape-free cardboard boxes. I then realized that I can disassemble and reassemble a computer with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, but I was outsmarted by a cardboard box. FML

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By do your own ironing - 15/4/2013 04:32

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

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By nofriends - 19/10/2013 21:57 - United States

Today, we had to give a surprise speech in speech class on two of our best and closest friends. My first friend was my mom. I had to make up the other one. FML

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By love and tolerape, apparently - 1/3/2015 19:24 - India - Jamshedpur

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

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By roachblend - 12/9/2010 08:00 - Taiwan

Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML

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By anonymous - 18/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Angelo

Fast food dinner

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 03:46 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, a customer handed me the ankle-length hosiery she had just used to try on some shoes, and as I sat there feeling the warm dampness of them in the palm of my hand, she said "You should throw those away, I have a toe fungus." FML

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By hypocrite - 3/7/2012 16:43 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, my new boss gave everyone a lecture about sexual harassment in the workplace. Which would be fine if he'd been able to tear his gaze off my chest for more than a minute at a time. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 20:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

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By Bummed - 12/6/2016 19:44

Today, I found out that after interviewing for two jobs at great companies, I was neck and neck with one other person for each position. They both offered the job to the other person. FML

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By Uhg - 10/3/2019 02:00

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

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By demk - 20/8/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By why... - 5/6/2012 17:21 - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

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By Kevin - 21/5/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By Tressa95 - 25/2/2018 18:30 - United States - Belleville

Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML

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By noneoftheabove - 28/1/2009 05:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to buy some Ibuprofen and got asked for ID. You have to be over 16 to buy it. I'm 25. FML

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By - 19/2/2020 20:00

Just once

Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML

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By Ca13b - 15/10/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:46 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By anonymous - 26/6/2016 03:50 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 14:14

Today, I told my students that I would be taking a few weeks off because a member of my family is very ill. They all cheered. FML

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By PinkTornado - 17/3/2009 14:20 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After three long weeks of him ignoring me and cancelling out on time we were supposed to spend with each other. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face. Then he says ''Are you serious? I was planning the perfect day to ask you to marry me'' FML

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By oops - 4/3/2016 21:28 - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

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By Ugh - 12/7/2019 04:00

Today, I was on the bus. I have a phobia of babies crying, and recently, whenever I've been on a long journey, there's been one and I've had an anxiety attack. There were no babies on this bus, just an old lady showing her friend videos of her screaming grandchild. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 14:00 - United States - Charlottesville

Smash the patriarchy!

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML

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By Dizzie Rascal - 31/8/2016 11:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

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By Realworldred - 18/6/2015 03:50 - United States - Scranton

Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML

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Top comments

By tehslack | 5

#1003943 - Sunday 23 May 2010 18:10

I am so convinced all of these FML's are written by high school bitches.

By Mifflicious | 18

#1003765 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:34

I bet she's glad that she isn't your girlfriend too..!

COMMENTS

By andrewzzz | 0

#1003667 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:02

lol thy sucks

Reply

sleepyman | 0

#1003679 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:06

lol ydi for being unbalanced

Reply

arandomboy | 0

#1003772 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:36

fail

Reply

tweetbaby14 | 17

#1003840 - Sunday 23 May 2010 17:03

why is this an fml? because your father cares about the bed?

Reply

piinkbunnii | 1

#1003888 - Sunday 23 May 2010 17:40

Were you and your boyfriend nude, when you fell off??

If not, I truly fail to see the FML!!!
And yet again, I honestly want a "Suck it up pussy" button!!!

Reply

maliger | 0

#1003890 - Sunday 23 May 2010 17:41

Sex nubs these days...

Reply

seanreddog | 4

#1003953 - Sunday 23 May 2010 18:15

Ohhhhhhhh Canada... Well at least you have an expensive bed! That means there won't be any sqeaking right?

Reply

JoshDub | 0

#1003975 - Sunday 23 May 2010 18:26

threesome?

Reply

cincin75 | 0

#1004003 - Sunday 23 May 2010 18:39

Nowadays every body gets sex except me. FML.

Reply

seanreddog | 4

#1004057 - Sunday 23 May 2010 19:05

34 I know how you feel...

Reply

seelefire | 0

#1004178 - Sunday 23 May 2010 19:39

you should be happy your father didn't kill your boyfriend OP

Reply

seelefire | 0

#1004185 - Sunday 23 May 2010 19:43

btw 22 I would sign a petition for the suck it up pussy button

Reply

gawddddd | 3

#1004320 - Sunday 23 May 2010 20:50

Me too! It is needed(x

Reply

cincin75 | 0

#1004327 - Sunday 23 May 2010 20:51

36 how pity u r not a girl. U would be good one. :(

Reply

cmac86 | 23

#1004368 - Sunday 23 May 2010 21:18

34 and me!

Reply

RachelTheLoser | 0

#1004390 - Sunday 23 May 2010 21:30

hahahahaha wowwww.. maybe he was just in shock? "Uhhhh... Ummmm... Th-Th-Thats an expensive bed.." *slams door and runs*

Reply

JupiterIcicle | 1

#1004422 - Sunday 23 May 2010 21:56

he obviously just bought the bed, and thought you were jumping on it. Turns out you were jumping on the bed, just with something in between you and the bed.

Reply

the101dan | 0

#1004424 - Sunday 23 May 2010 21:57

Whoever pointed out that she was in Canada = smart. Canadians are way different than normal people. OP would've probably rathered that her dad raged on her bf instead of taking the obviously calm, surprised route. Why? I don't know. I'm not Canadian...

Reply

DonkeyDelight | 0

#1004665 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:19

So?
The majority of people on earth have sex, including your father. Unless you were adopted.

Reply

gogo_speedracer | 0

#1004857 - Monday 24 May 2010 4:34

Uhmm yeah I have to agree this isn'e an FML.. Now it would be an FML if your dad asked to join.. Haha SICK.

By Nzmonk3y | 0

#1003696 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:10

lol fail

By nicolebenaa | 0

#1003698 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:10

actually your 3rd. and idgi

Reply

Tikwichka | 5

#1003804 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:46

It is worded quite poorly: 'my father walked in the door'.

By Devolver | 0

#1003700 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:12

Yeah, be careful with your bed, too much sex broke mine D:

Reply

Look_A_Sloth | 11

#6538392 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 19:01

Fucking slut

By autumn16 | 0

#1003719 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:17

haha I don't get how yu lost yer balance.. what a clutz and yer dad is the SHIZ ha

Reply

esines | 9

#4385194 - Thursday 3 May 2012 3:41

How bowt yu tawk lyk a norml persun dum ass

By smiley_ily | 0

#1003722 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:18

it's okay. well how would you lose balance so easily. ? and maybe it was expensive

By airjavier1982 | 0

#1003725 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:19

how do u lose balance? im glad ur not my girlfriend because i sleep with the best and u sound like a sex noob lol YDI

Reply

Mifflicious | 18

#1003765 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:34

I bet she's glad that she isn't your girlfriend too..!

Reply

esines | 9

#4385200 - Thursday 3 May 2012 3:42

Nice job trying to sound like a badass sex machine to a group of strangers there stud.

By so_unlucky89765 | 4

#1003732 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:21

fail

By WYlacrossegirl7 | 0

#1003734 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:21

hahahahaa woww. :)

By Raider889 | 0

#1003796 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:44

not all teens are pro's at sex

Reply

wilkshire13 | 0

#1003807 - Sunday 23 May 2010 16:47

clearly but they should all take lessons :D

Reply

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#1004115 - Sunday 23 May 2010 19:17

take...lessons?
I thought you could just...wing it...

Reply

Notjustanother1 | 0

#1004359 - Sunday 23 May 2010 21:14

you should try backing up so you don't have to break your neck in the picture