Miscellaneous: Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in...

By Michaelichael - United States

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood (I am a hispanic male), and a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. FML

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Miscellaneous

Commando

Creepy idea, dude

Still pining

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML

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By momaaa1342 - United States - Elmwood

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

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By aww, such a nice guy. NOT - United States - Dodge City

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

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By thewordsicantsay - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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By medstudent - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

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By devakii - United States

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

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By devourer, apparently

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 08:02

8 out of 10 dentists

Today, my 45 year-old sister blamed my parents yet again for losing one tooth after the other because they did not tell her to brush her teeth before going to bed. It's general knowledge, honey. And somehow, I still have all my teeth. FML

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By verno02 - Canada

Sexy catboys rule my life

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He's the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML

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By wideman - United States

Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML

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By quitfuckingalready! - 4/9/2020 08:00 - United States

Let me go

Today, my request to move apartments was once again denied. My next door neighbor’s constant marijuana smoke wafts over every day, and the woman upstairs is pregnant with her sixth child. It’s like a herd of elephants living above me. They won’t let me out of my lease unless I pay a huge amount. FML

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By ajwwfc - 19/10/2020 23:03 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Bored of you

Today, I realised that whenever I make eye contact with a stranger, I yawn. I work at a McDonald's FML

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By Embarrassed ass. - United States - Oregon City

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

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By Therapy needed urgently

Kinky.

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

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By occam's pube-razor - United States - Buena Vista

Today, I parked my car, went to pay for my spot, and returned to my car only to find a parking violation ticket tucked under the windshield wipers. This all happened in less than a minute. FML

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By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By scheisse - Germany - Herne

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

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By unemployed

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

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By Anonymous

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

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By devigsgirl - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML

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By BaliTheDog - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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By reese - 11/6/2020 05:03

The arrogance of youth

Today, as always, I had to have my dad help me with my computer issues. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? FML

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By IGotFinessed - United States - New Fairfield

Fortunately, she is gone

Today, I just realized that my ex-girlfriend has been using my credit card to buy condoms, beer, and dildos just to piss me off. FML

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By fijiflu

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By framed - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By It was the 11 year old - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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By goo - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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By SwoopingEagle

Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going through my mom's old yearbook. There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother's crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. I am deeply scarred forever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

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Top comments

By corey_kelly | 0

#65966 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:17

i hate racism and stereotypes

By Naples | 0

#65972 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:19

You should have said yes and then wrote "Fuck You" across her lane with the lawn mower.

COMMENTS

By soohungry | 0

#65941 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:13

Wow man, that really sucks. You should have told her to go to a place I like to call carajo xD

By evanwilliams | 4

#65945 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:15

How much do you charge per lawn? Must be a quite a lot for you to afford a house in a nice neighborhood.

By gleidu77 | 0

#65946 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:15

what a bitch. that's so rude.

By neonoodle | 0

#65949 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:15

It was nice of her to try speaking in Spanish to you and not just in really slow English.

By demonkey_fml | 4

#65962 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:17

I hope you had some fun with her! She must have been completely embarrassed when you told her you had just bought the house!!

By corey_kelly | 0

#65966 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:17

i hate racism and stereotypes

By acid_burn_fml | 0

#65967 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:17

@ #2, go to hell you racist. You should have replied in perfect english: Mow your own lawn you white elitist.

By missmishi08 | 0

#65969 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Naples | 0

#65972 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:19

You should have said yes and then wrote "Fuck You" across her lane with the lawn mower.

By mylifesucks_alot | 0

#65978 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:21

#6 She probably wasn't embarrassed. More like horrified. Pretty soon there won't be any white people left in America. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate all Hispanic people, just the illegal immigrants. I'm assuming if he lives in a nice neighborhood he is here legally and has a decent job (probably not a professional lawn-mower) but some of us still like to live with our own kind. Its not racism, its a psychological concept called ethnocentrism. People (of all races) tend to want to be with others like them.