Intimacy: Today, I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet.... - FML

By Noname - Canada

Today, I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet. I then scrolled down and found out she had a penis. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Bad news

Clean break

By Bishop

Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

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By cedechan - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

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By iNearlyHurled - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

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By nu_ravers_101 - United States

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

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By lotrgeek - Canada

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

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By rissalynn

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML

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By taylor w - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating for 5 months is engaged to his girlfriend of 3 years. I found out as we were talking, waiting for him to come outside after work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

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By Shortround - United States - Wheaton

Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, my six year old daughter cut out the stomach area of four of my favorite shirts. When I asked her why she had done so she replied, "So that they fit your tummy better, Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

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By Millian2 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

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By titmeister - United States - Bayonne

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite hentai character. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 15:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Sore loser

Today, after graduating from the same program, I was offered several jobs, while my boyfriend wasn’t. He couldn’t be happy for me, saying, "She got in with the right people, and they just keep handing her jobs," and dismissing my work ethic. FML

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By anonymous - 13/4/2020 02:00

Keep fit!

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

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By carebear1228 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

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By feminist - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML

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By nina - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

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By seriously

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I had to hand write a 10 page essay for one of my classes. When I turned it in I got an automatic zero. It was written in blue. Not black. FML

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By Sidney - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

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By NoMoreMeters - United States

Today, during my fourth solo day working as a meter-maid, I had a vehicle towed for being parked in front of a fire hydrant. The vehicle belonged to the governor. I'm scared to even show my face at work next week. FML

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By Public Indecency

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

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By PairOfSocks - Finland - Tampere

Today, one of my friends bought a wedding dress for her upcoming wedding. My other friend intends to propose to her boyfriend and ordered rings. I too made a purchase: a pair of socks for myself. FML

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By mortenp - United States

Today, the shy girl in my class decided to bring a cake to share with everyone, since it was her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "happy birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class know her name, myself included. FML

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By fatlady - United States

Today, my friend and I went to the park. I bet my friend I could fit into the swing that was sized for toddlers. I managed to fit in, but I couldn't get out. My friend had to call 911 to get me out. When they finally did, the fireman told me that fat ladies shouldn't try stuff like that. FML

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By Sonofaquiche

Today, I had to help my grandma because her TV suddenly stopped working. She has cable as well as satellite, so she figured she didn't need the satellite receiver anymore. Apparently the best way to do get rid of it was to cut all the cables connected to the TV. FML

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By John - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

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By neta_1996 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

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By sober - United States

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

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By seussical65 - United States

Today, during dress rehearsal before the show, I came in with crutches pretending I broke my leg as a joke. I then threw away the crutches, laughed and then fell down some stairs. I am now in crutches with a broken leg. I was the lead. FML

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By wrongtarget - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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By ournhd - United States

Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML

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By Uh oh....

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

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By Nice guy finishing last.

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

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By Dani - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

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Top comments

By perennialartist | 0

#6320 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:16

It's a trap!

By Sneak_fml | 0

#27853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 7:30

The person you were jerking off to is not a "guy". She is a male-to-female transsexual person, and apparently a hot one, at that. Gay guys don't even get off with transsexual porn. If you're jerkin it to a T-girl, it means you're straight.

-1 for transphobia.

COMMENTS

By yours_truly | 0

#1111 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 22:15

lmfao

Reply

kxxjoejoexxk | 8

#5211703 - Monday 3 December 2012 22:24

You know what they say... In soviet russia dick beat you!

By perennialartist | 0

#6320 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:16

It's a trap!

By Dannie_fml | 0

#11636 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:34

ROFL!
THAT MADE MY DAY!

HAHAHHAHAHA

I'M A FUCKING SPASTICATED MORON!!

PEACE.

Reply

mama2010 | 0

#968740 - Friday 26 March 2010 20:05

:) nooice.

Reply

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2433411 - Saturday 30 April 2011 11:01

no.

By un_known_fml | 0

#15295 - Thursday 5 March 2009 1:29

so... ?

By tifferneelee | 0

#17546 - Friday 6 March 2009 4:30

where's admiral akbar when you need him?

Reply

cj75 | 18

#6200475 - Thursday 12 February 2015 15:40

Being the epicness that he is but unfortunately, not here.

By carlos_oac | 0

#21082 - Sunday 8 March 2009 8:06

#1, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA
You should try go to /pr0n/

By Sneak_fml | 0

#27853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 7:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lizamaphone | 6

#1029931 - Monday 14 June 2010 3:59

yay!

i say this because I'm a straight girl dating a (hot) transguy.

+1 for openmindedness!

Reply

Dashelle | 25

#5737315 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:55

I know a few gay guys who are into trans-sexuals. Way to be judgmental.

Reply

DeadPixel4 | 29

#5938745 - Thursday 8 May 2014 20:52

It's called a shemale, more commonly. But +1 to no transphobia!

Reply

Divine_Mamma | 11

#6344190 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 7:24

He never said it was a guy.

Reply

herofaircloth | 18

#6413251 - Friday 18 September 2015 5:07

"Shemale" is offensive as fuck, regardless of how common the term.

Reply

L_M_AND_R_L | 8

#7392404 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:18

How is that transphobic?

By shinychexmix | 0

#39640 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 6:38

YOU DESERVED IT.

By clitler | 0

#40392 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:31

I don't know what kind of uptight self-righteous asshole you think you are, but if you're too good to blow a load of batter to a chick that has a quivering sausage, then I don't think you deserve to be looking at internet porn. Seriously, who hasn't wanted to see a tranny piss all over herself and then eat her own shit??? You need to get over yourself and lube up your slam pole to a dirty dick chick. Seriously.

Reply

Rae Marie | 13

#7724710 - Saturday 17 November 2018 15:54

I liked the comment too soon. How do I unlike

By actionafternoon | 0

#42038 - Thursday 19 March 2009 4:46

it's a tarp!

yes, i meant tarp, not trap. take that, /b/itches

Reply

extremekiwi | 0

#992979 - Friday 14 May 2010 7:55

well aren't you just clever.

Reply

Razor011 | 12

#6560984 - Thursday 17 March 2016 4:56

My god there's enough passive aggressiveness in this comment to kill a man