Today, I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet.... - FML

By Noname - 1/2/2009 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet. I then scrolled down and found out she had a penis. FML

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They're everywhere

Buzzing the tower

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 14/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2017 14:00

Today, it's the 8th day in a row that my mother-in-law has made me drink laxative tea. I still haven't pooped yet and I'm terrified of what's to come. FML

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By romance sucks. - 18/12/2013 21:20 - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By FMeRight? - 28/12/2016 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me in front of his whole family with the ring his mother had helped him pick out. Two hours later, I found emails of nudes from another women that had been sent to him a week prior, on his phone. Our flight for home leaves in a week. FML

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By mel_bear_ - 14/3/2012 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

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By yosenfal - 28/4/2012 01:04 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

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By Aaron - 14/5/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

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By AUDONEE - 10/2/2010 06:39 - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

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By childdreamkiller - 8/12/2011 17:41 - Canada

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By sofked - 9/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 13:35 - Canada

Today, I went out on my first date in 2 months. My sister and her friends were also at the same restaurant we went to. I decided to ignore them but they didn't. As a joke, they though it would be funny if her friend came up and said, "I had fun last night, we should do it again". My date left. FML

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By lonelygirl - 14/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a romantic weekend away at a hotel. What is he doing now? On his computer looking up stuff on Craigslist while I am watching t.v. alone. FML

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By exfishowner - 27/1/2019 12:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

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By grlzze444 - 16/11/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, my swim coach had me swim a 400 meter freestyle. Feeling a little sick near the end, I lifted my head to breathe, then burped, and threw up violently all in the pool. All my team mates screamed horrified running out of the pool, and now they have to drain it. I was told not to come back. FML

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By thebravelittletoaster - 20/3/2011 20:32 - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 21:17 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I went to work and said hi to my boss. He reached towards me. I thought he was trying to give me a hug, so I awkwardly hugged him back. Turned out he was just trying to fix my shirt collar. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

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By Anonomous - 29/12/2014 00:31 - United States - Plainfield

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

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By MonsterProblems - 7/1/2015 07:07 - Croatia

Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

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By nutcracker - 23/2/2010 09:28 - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

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By cashier - 12/7/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 23:02

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 20/5/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

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By Sean - 9/9/2013 21:04 - United States

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

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By Earthling - 25/8/2016 02:20 - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 22:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I caught a coworker at my new job staring at my chest. Trying not to rock the boat, I took him aside and asked him to stop. He insisted he was just trying to read my shirt. Our company uniforms don't have writing on them. FML

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By Magilla - 16/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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By deven - 29/8/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML

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By catlover - 20/5/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 08:38 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By FishFlingingMonkey - 22/8/2015 03:55 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I was eating and my dog kept bothering me. She kept scratching my legs for food, so I took a large piece of fish from my plate and tossed it out into the hallway. It flew right into my mother's face. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2015 00:43 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I arrived 10 minutes early to my orthodontist's office to get my braces off. It turns out my appointment was actually one hour earlier, and now the next available appointment is in four weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 03:01 - United States

Today, I went to the park with my friend and we decided to swing. While we were swinging, we decided to jump off backwards. All would have worked out fine if my pants hadn't gotten caught on the metal of the swing, leaving my bare butt exposed. The man who was in the park with his daughter left. FML

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By chamberpottime - 16/12/2015 08:58 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2014 18:39 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I asked my sister what she thought of my boyfriend. She said, "He's nice. Deserves better than you, really." FML

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By nato - 27/11/2012 13:16 - United States

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 05:34 - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

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By cookiemonster - 13/8/2013 16:10 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML

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Top comments

By perennialartist | 0

#6320 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:16

It's a trap!

By Sneak_fml | 0

#27853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 7:30

The person you were jerking off to is not a "guy". She is a male-to-female transsexual person, and apparently a hot one, at that. Gay guys don't even get off with transsexual porn. If you're jerkin it to a T-girl, it means you're straight.

-1 for transphobia.

COMMENTS

By yours_truly | 0

#1111 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 22:15

lmfao

Reply

kxxjoejoexxk | 8

#5211703 - Monday 3 December 2012 22:24

You know what they say... In soviet russia dick beat you!

By perennialartist | 0

#6320 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:16

It's a trap!

By Dannie_fml | 0

#11636 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:34

ROFL!
THAT MADE MY DAY!

HAHAHHAHAHA

I'M A FUCKING SPASTICATED MORON!!

PEACE.

Reply

mama2010 | 0

#968740 - Friday 26 March 2010 20:05

:) nooice.

Reply

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2433411 - Saturday 30 April 2011 11:01

no.

By un_known_fml | 0

#15295 - Thursday 5 March 2009 1:29

so... ?

By tifferneelee | 0

#17546 - Friday 6 March 2009 4:30

where's admiral akbar when you need him?

Reply

cj75 | 18

#6200475 - Thursday 12 February 2015 15:40

Being the epicness that he is but unfortunately, not here.

By carlos_oac | 0

#21082 - Sunday 8 March 2009 8:06

#1, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA
You should try go to /pr0n/

By Sneak_fml | 0

#27853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 7:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lizamaphone | 6

#1029931 - Monday 14 June 2010 3:59

yay!

i say this because I'm a straight girl dating a (hot) transguy.

+1 for openmindedness!

Reply

Dashelle | 25

#5737315 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:55

I know a few gay guys who are into trans-sexuals. Way to be judgmental.

Reply

DeadPixel4 | 29

#5938745 - Thursday 8 May 2014 20:52

It's called a shemale, more commonly. But +1 to no transphobia!

Reply

Divine_Mamma | 11

#6344190 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 7:24

He never said it was a guy.

Reply

herofaircloth | 18

#6413251 - Friday 18 September 2015 5:07

"Shemale" is offensive as fuck, regardless of how common the term.

Reply

L_M_AND_R_L | 8

#7392404 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:18

How is that transphobic?

By shinychexmix | 0

#39640 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 6:38

YOU DESERVED IT.

By clitler | 0

#40392 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:31

I don't know what kind of uptight self-righteous asshole you think you are, but if you're too good to blow a load of batter to a chick that has a quivering sausage, then I don't think you deserve to be looking at internet porn. Seriously, who hasn't wanted to see a tranny piss all over herself and then eat her own shit??? You need to get over yourself and lube up your slam pole to a dirty dick chick. Seriously.

Reply

Rae Marie | 13

#7724710 - Saturday 17 November 2018 15:54

I liked the comment too soon. How do I unlike

By actionafternoon | 0

#42038 - Thursday 19 March 2009 4:46

it's a tarp!

yes, i meant tarp, not trap. take that, /b/itches

Reply

extremekiwi | 0

#992979 - Friday 14 May 2010 7:55

well aren't you just clever.

Reply

Razor011 | 12

#6560984 - Thursday 17 March 2016 4:56

My god there's enough passive aggressiveness in this comment to kill a man