Today, I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet.... - FML

By Noname - 1/2/2009 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet. I then scrolled down and found out she had a penis. FML

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Rock, hard place

The opposite of a good idea

Whatthefuckaburger

By Handyhusband - 26/10/2017 13:00 - United States

If the women don’t find you handsome, they’ll at least find you handy...

Today, I installed a doggie door at my wife’s grandmother’s house. I was putting the door back on the hinges when I realized I had put it at the very top of the door instead of the bottom. I’m now trying to turn this hole into a window. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

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By lalalalainie - 13/10/2012 06:45 - United States - Fullerton

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 02:30

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Charles City

A Natural Snack!

Today, my husband argued with me for an hour, because he believed that loaded potato skins grow naturally on a tree. FML

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By Gassy - 21/9/2015 14:45 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By blahblah - 14/12/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

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By snowwhite - 28/10/2013 04:51 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of "how hard he gave it to me last night". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 20:36 - Mexico

Today, my blanket got caught on my nose ring and it took my boyfriend over an hour to get it free. Afterwards, he admitted he was trying not to laugh because it reminded him of a bullfight. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 02:08 - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she's been avoiding kissing me lately. Apparently she had a dream that one of my teeth caught on her braces, and all of her teeth got pulled out like a string of pearls. It seems unlikely she will be un-scarred any time soon. FML

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By ShittyKeys - 6/11/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

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By blotchy-girl - 15/7/2009 04:00 - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By Ferniferousfern - 2/3/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

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By kenken5 - 19/6/2019 01:51

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2016 22:02

Today, what was meant to be a fun hour-long paddle with a friend turned into a 5 hour ordeal involving a coast guard helicopter, an ambulance, a hospital visit and a ruined canoe. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 15:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 14:42 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By mandy - 23/10/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

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By screwed - 30/10/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2012 16:05 - France

Today, my teacher told me that she couldn't find my hand-written essay on the Renaissance, and that I have to re-do it all by tomorrow. I later saw my essay on her desk, covered in a massive coffee stain that made virtually everything unreadable. FML

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By littleman - 6/4/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2017 08:00 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML

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By Coykoi - 16/5/2012 14:19 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML

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By AzNFoo - 26/3/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my friends and me had a little water balloon fight and somehow it led to throwing water balloons at cars. We all decided to hit a car all at once, after one came by we all hit it. The car stopped and started flashing bright blue lights. We ended up hitting an off-duty police car. FML

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By k.love - 22/6/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

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By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

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By Why - 18/12/2018 05:00

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

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By User - 23/9/2013 17:53 - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

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By Kittykatkrunch - 12/11/2009 05:09 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend was crushing on his best friend. When I found out I asked him about it. He replied. "Don't worry babe, she is perfect and way too good for me". FML

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By Nelson - 9/5/2011 15:05 - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

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By big mouth - 26/9/2012 11:40 - New Zealand - Northland

Today, at work, I saw a van in our car park with "Hurlz Wagon" painted on its side. Laughing, I told the customer who owned it that I loved the name, and I asked was there a funny vomit story behind it. She didn't laugh, and told me it was her family name. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By Trouble - 11/4/2017 18:00

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

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By xxlexi_lovexx - 29/3/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

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By that kind of girl - 2/4/2014 00:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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Top comments

By perennialartist | 0

#6320 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:16

It's a trap!

By Sneak_fml | 0

#27853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 7:30

The person you were jerking off to is not a "guy". She is a male-to-female transsexual person, and apparently a hot one, at that. Gay guys don't even get off with transsexual porn. If you're jerkin it to a T-girl, it means you're straight.

-1 for transphobia.

Comments

By yours_truly | 0

#1111 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 22:15

lmfao

Reply

kxxjoejoexxk | 8

#5211703 - Monday 3 December 2012 22:24

You know what they say... In soviet russia dick beat you!

By perennialartist | 0

#6320 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:16

It's a trap!

By Dannie_fml | 0

#11636 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:34

ROFL!
THAT MADE MY DAY!

HAHAHHAHAHA

I'M A FUCKING SPASTICATED MORON!!

PEACE.

Reply

mama2010 | 0

#968740 - Friday 26 March 2010 20:05

:) nooice.

Reply

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2433411 - Saturday 30 April 2011 11:01

no.

By un_known_fml | 0

#15295 - Thursday 5 March 2009 1:29

so... ?

By tifferneelee | 0

#17546 - Friday 6 March 2009 4:30

where's admiral akbar when you need him?

Reply

cj75 | 18

#6200475 - Thursday 12 February 2015 15:40

Being the epicness that he is but unfortunately, not here.

By carlos_oac | 0

#21082 - Sunday 8 March 2009 8:06

#1, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA
You should try go to /pr0n/

By Sneak_fml | 0

#27853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 7:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lizamaphone | 6

#1029931 - Monday 14 June 2010 3:59

yay!

i say this because I'm a straight girl dating a (hot) transguy.

+1 for openmindedness!

Reply

Dashelle | 25

#5737315 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:55

I know a few gay guys who are into trans-sexuals. Way to be judgmental.

Reply

DeadPixel4 | 29

#5938745 - Thursday 8 May 2014 20:52

It's called a shemale, more commonly. But +1 to no transphobia!

Reply

Divine_Mamma | 11

#6344190 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 7:24

He never said it was a guy.

Reply

herofaircloth | 18

#6413251 - Friday 18 September 2015 5:07

"Shemale" is offensive as fuck, regardless of how common the term.

Reply

L_M_AND_R_L | 8

#7392404 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:18

How is that transphobic?

By shinychexmix | 0

#39640 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 6:38

YOU DESERVED IT.

By clitler | 0

#40392 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:31

I don't know what kind of uptight self-righteous asshole you think you are, but if you're too good to blow a load of batter to a chick that has a quivering sausage, then I don't think you deserve to be looking at internet porn. Seriously, who hasn't wanted to see a tranny piss all over herself and then eat her own shit??? You need to get over yourself and lube up your slam pole to a dirty dick chick. Seriously.

Reply

Rae Marie | 13

#7724710 - Saturday 17 November 2018 15:54

I liked the comment too soon. How do I unlike

By actionafternoon | 0

#42038 - Thursday 19 March 2009 4:46

it's a tarp!

yes, i meant tarp, not trap. take that, /b/itches

Reply

extremekiwi | 0

#992979 - Friday 14 May 2010 7:55

well aren't you just clever.

Reply

Razor011 | 12

#6560984 - Thursday 17 March 2016 4:56

My god there's enough passive aggressiveness in this comment to kill a man