Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on...

By SpiderMan - 12/3/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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Intimacy

Goodbye Bill

Ghosted

Generosity

By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's farm with my family. First I was pooped on by a goose, peed on by a puppy, bit in the face by the mother dog, fell through the floor of the barn loft, and without knowing it was electric, rested my hand on the horse fence. FML

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By AchievementUnlocked? - 19/10/2013 07:30 - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

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By - 27/3/2019 06:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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By BMike - 11/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML

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By wakinginvegas87 - 5/9/2010 15:49 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

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By nottelling7012 - 29/8/2010 04:21 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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By dizzy - 7/3/2011 07:28 - Malaysia

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

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By stainseverywhere - 1/2/2012 07:11 - United States

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

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By PizzaBoySwag - 4/6/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

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By JustADream - 24/2/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

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By PrincessPromotion - 26/7/2014 16:29 - United States - Havertown

Today, I went back to work after a vacation, only to find out I'll soon be forced to dress up as one of the princesses from Frozen to promote our store. FML

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By brokeandalone - 21/11/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 02:02

Capitalism 101

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Peru

Classic Jeff

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML

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By 4gottenmemories - 8/4/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

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By The Bearded Woman - 29/5/2012 04:06 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By spartanson - 28/4/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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By Lo_Bolian - 25/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2009 19:25 - United States

Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML

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By mommytobe - 5/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, mom was so upset when she found out that she is having another granddaughter that she wants us to pay her back for the little boy clothes that she bought before the sex of the baby was known. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2020 09:30

I don't like to move it, move it

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

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By badplannning - 30/11/2015 04:55 - United States - Naperville

Today, my date suggested we go to 10:30 p.m. movie so we could "talk" in the car afterwards, when the parking lot was empty. Thus, at 1 a.m., I thought we were going to make out. However, he only asked where I get my car air freshener from, had me write down the scent, and then suggested we go home. FML

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By broke - 17/1/2012 16:08 - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 14:27 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By You're Not a Wizard - 30/6/2016 12:29

Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 07:20 - United States - Valencia

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2017 20:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today, our family cat died. I had to explain this to my 2 small children, who had no experience with death. I ended up bawling like a baby while they consoled me, telling me she had, "gone to a better place". FML

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By brokennose - 26/8/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

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By ohdang - 12/8/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

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By ElizaWy - 26/10/2016 15:52

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 18:29 - Canada - York

Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML

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By Sean - 7/9/2013 08:22 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, for my Teen Living class, all the students got a fake baby. In order to stop the baby from crying, you have to use the bracelet they provide. I lost the bracelet. I have the baby all weekend. FML

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By damnit - 11/9/2010 20:46 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:24 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I was babysitting my friend's 12-year-old son while his dad was having an emergency procedure at the hospital. I walked into the den to see if he wanted to go out to dinner, only to find him watching Pornhub on my iPad. FML

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By Junktown - 7/7/2011 14:40 - Israel

Today, I was propositioned by an incredibly pretty girl. I'm a 24 year old virgin; she's my best mate's girlfriend. She tells him everything when drunk, and he's a black-belt in karate. This could officially be classified as torture. FML

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By Sparks - 13/3/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

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By OakStake - 8/12/2013 22:07 - United States - New York

Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML

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By Username - 9/8/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

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Top comments

By btopishere | 1

#27959 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That's how Peter Parker was created.

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27951 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:08

Who the fuck masturbates into a sock?!?!
hahaha

COMMENTS

By horyo | 0

#27950 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:07

...Try using a condom next time. Or be like Doofy and use the vacuum machine.

iarediana | 0

#658652 - Saturday 7 November 2009 5:13

a vacuum machinee?

abcnonamecba | 0

#967447 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 21:09

wow u now hold a record for most insects fucked

AziraLevana | 2

#1012994 - Sunday 30 May 2010 23:10

252: Spiders aren't insects...

NonExistentCok | 0

#1296620 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:31

:O u shud use protection nxt Tym
but atleast look on de bright side u got fucked :)

atomicbaboon | 0

#3065532 - Monday 8 August 2011 18:53

Hope you bought it dinner first!

addiizcherry | 0

#3720428 - Monday 12 December 2011 13:20

Would this be qualified as rape?

Sniper_Chick4110 | 20

#5931418 - Thursday 1 May 2014 4:57

#312 Molestation at best. Unless it bit him...? Did it?

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27951 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:08

Who the fuck masturbates into a sock?!?!
hahaha

MegamiKaosu | 28

#3221200 - Friday 2 September 2011 7:09

I know a guy, we call him sock boy xD
we were on his site for his live web feed and we started teasing him and he banned us xD

Mforce | 8

#3694725 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 1:14

Most dudes who masturbate... You know... So they don't turn them selves into Cum Laudes

09Z_fml | 4

#4856760 - Friday 24 August 2012 20:59

um.. no most dudes dont..

laughingtoohard | 14

#6182050 - Saturday 24 January 2015 4:59

Rug burn on you dick bro

bryce0110 | 23

#6254372 - Monday 6 April 2015 23:12

A lot of guys do, but I personally never even thought of doing it.

By Samazoid | 0

#27955 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:10

Well now you can say you've done it.

By btopishere | 1

#27959 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That's how Peter Parker was created.

llstan2006 | 0

#459949 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 21:37

Made me roll on the floor forever! So funny!

OddLittleThing | 0

#971075 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 17:40

Ha!
love.

DrLemon | 0

#971615 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 4:52

ahaha. soo, to beCUM a superhero some guy has to jack off in a sock filled with their desire?

Christine1997 | 0

#3304345 - Saturday 17 September 2011 19:29

Ahhahahahhahahahahhahaha

grapist111 | 4

#4441267 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 7:39

I wouldn't be surprised if one day, tons of little spiders showed up at his door for a "family reunion"

akg98 | 13

#4599124 - Friday 22 June 2012 7:57

Soooo fucking brilliant awesome!! I loled

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27964 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:15

LMFAO @ the Peter Parker comment

By Cryptix | 0

#27965 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:16

@ #4 comment; yeah or possibly become a new hero called the (Sperm)Man.

iluvpink10 | 0

#2264457 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 1:59

LMAO haaha!!!

DigitalFusion | 4

#3043532 - Friday 5 August 2011 9:53

There is no fucking way you were 18 when you posted this. 8 maximum.

BirdieCurls | 25

#5909055 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 6:52

You guys might be 2 years late, but I'm 5 years late!

By nyah_nyah | 0

#27968 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:19

@ #2..... apparently lots of guys masterbate into socks... havnt you seen american pie? lol

By tsezu | 0

#27972 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:23

Did you lose your virginity to a spider?

pianochk999 | 2

#5818723 - Monday 6 January 2014 12:57

No, he probably lost it the sock first.

By Cryptix | 0

#27974 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:24

Oh and I bet you're going to have nightmares about fucking spiders as for now on...

By neonoodle | 0

#27979 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:28

well, at least your penis didn't explode from a spider bite.