Intimacy: Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on...

By SpiderMan - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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Intimacy

Family values

The one with the asshole friend

Fishy anxiety

By missy - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got a question wrong on an exam. The question started with, "In your opinion..." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 14:01

No excuse

Today, I missed my chance to see my mum for the last time because my son is such a selfish druggie, he couldn’t be bothered to stay sober long enough to pass on the message from the hospital that she was deteriorating fast, and likely only had a few hours left. FML

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By roomingwithevil - United States - Slinger

Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML

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By professorsdaughter - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

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By chlolivia - Canada

Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML

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By ShinedownCM

Today, I went to apply for classes at a college my parents signed me up to do dual credit with. Too bad they used my sister's social security number so I don't get credit for my old classes and my new application got thrown out. FML

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By Al - United States

Today, I was leaving the mall. I Instinctively hit the unlock button on my car keys from across the parking lot. Little did I know I was making it a whole lot easier for the guy breaking into my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Dasmari?as

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

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By Oops

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

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By EliseV - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

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By NoBalls - United States

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

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By unloved cat owner - United States - Carmichael

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

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By comedybreak - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

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By smallmediumatlrg - United States

Today, I went to a yard sale and found a cute plush duck. I sent a pic of it to my friend with the message "Jackpot!" I guess she didn't see the pic because she called me up all excited, thinking my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me. "No, I said, I just found a big duck for $1." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

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1303

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

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By clecker - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I lost my $100 in cash that I had to use to pay my phone bill. As a result, my phone got cut off and I miss an important call for an apartment that I was looking at. When I went to work I heard my boss saying how lucky she was to find $100 in cash. FML

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By Sam

Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

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By weezel - South Africa

Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML

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By YEEYEE517

The customer is always something

Today, working in retail, I noticed a customer looking for an item, so I walked up to them and asked, "Is there something I can help you find?" He replied, "Did I ask for your fucking help?" FML

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By Anne - United States

Today, I spoke to my ex again for the first time after our breakup. The first words out of his mouth were, "I love you, so I'm going to have to confess some things in the hopes that my honesty will help us get back together." It didn't, but it does mean I have to get tested now. FML

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By princessrose

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

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By elite

Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML

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By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

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By DrumrollPlease - United Kingdom - Banbury

Today, my phone autocorrected "with chills" to "with child" in the middle of a message, and I didn't notice until I was contacted several hours later by a panicking friend. My gastric flu is now rumoured to have been morning sickness, all because I can't proofread. FML

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By wasntworththedrive - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

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By Danielle - 25/10/2020 11:02

Barf

Today, I threw up during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting for my food at McDonald's. I watched the most obese, sweaty man sneeze into the chips, wipe his nose on his hand and use his hand to shovel chips into a bag. They were my chips. FML

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By user210 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

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By not living happily ever after - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was about to go and take a shower when I saw a pair of scissors taped to the door at eye level with a note from my boyfriend saying "Time to trim that hairy thang down under." FML

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Top comments

By btopishere | 1

#27959 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That's how Peter Parker was created.

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27951 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:08

Who the fuck masturbates into a sock?!?!
hahaha

COMMENTS

By horyo | 0

#27950 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:07

...Try using a condom next time. Or be like Doofy and use the vacuum machine.

iarediana | 0

#658652 - Saturday 7 November 2009 5:13

a vacuum machinee?

abcnonamecba | 0

#967447 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 21:09

wow u now hold a record for most insects fucked

AziraLevana | 2

#1012994 - Sunday 30 May 2010 23:10

252: Spiders aren't insects...

NonExistentCok | 0

#1296620 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:31

:O u shud use protection nxt Tym
but atleast look on de bright side u got fucked :)

atomicbaboon | 0

#3065532 - Monday 8 August 2011 18:53

Hope you bought it dinner first!

addiizcherry | 0

#3720428 - Monday 12 December 2011 13:20

Would this be qualified as rape?

Sniper_Chick4110 | 20

#5931418 - Thursday 1 May 2014 4:57

#312 Molestation at best. Unless it bit him...? Did it?

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27951 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:08

Who the fuck masturbates into a sock?!?!
hahaha

MegamiKaosu | 28

#3221200 - Friday 2 September 2011 7:09

I know a guy, we call him sock boy xD
we were on his site for his live web feed and we started teasing him and he banned us xD

Mforce | 8

#3694725 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 1:14

Most dudes who masturbate... You know... So they don't turn them selves into Cum Laudes

09Z_fml | 4

#4856760 - Friday 24 August 2012 20:59

um.. no most dudes dont..

laughingtoohard | 14

#6182050 - Saturday 24 January 2015 4:59

Rug burn on you dick bro

bryce0110 | 23

#6254372 - Monday 6 April 2015 23:12

A lot of guys do, but I personally never even thought of doing it.

By Samazoid | 0

#27955 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:10

Well now you can say you've done it.

By btopishere | 1

#27959 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That's how Peter Parker was created.

llstan2006 | 0

#459949 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 21:37

Made me roll on the floor forever! So funny!

OddLittleThing | 0

#971075 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 17:40

Ha!
love.

DrLemon | 0

#971615 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 4:52

ahaha. soo, to beCUM a superhero some guy has to jack off in a sock filled with their desire?

Christine1997 | 0

#3304345 - Saturday 17 September 2011 19:29

Ahhahahahhahahahahhahaha

grapist111 | 4

#4441267 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 7:39

I wouldn't be surprised if one day, tons of little spiders showed up at his door for a "family reunion"

akg98 | 13

#4599124 - Friday 22 June 2012 7:57

Soooo fucking brilliant awesome!! I loled

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27964 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:15

LMFAO @ the Peter Parker comment

By Cryptix | 0

#27965 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:16

@ #4 comment; yeah or possibly become a new hero called the (Sperm)Man.

iluvpink10 | 0

#2264457 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 1:59

LMAO haaha!!!

DigitalFusion | 4

#3043532 - Friday 5 August 2011 9:53

There is no fucking way you were 18 when you posted this. 8 maximum.

BirdieCurls | 25

#5909055 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 6:52

You guys might be 2 years late, but I'm 5 years late!

By nyah_nyah | 0

#27968 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:19

@ #2..... apparently lots of guys masterbate into socks... havnt you seen american pie? lol

By tsezu | 0

#27972 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:23

Did you lose your virginity to a spider?

pianochk999 | 2

#5818723 - Monday 6 January 2014 12:57

No, he probably lost it the sock first.

By Cryptix | 0

#27974 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:24

Oh and I bet you're going to have nightmares about fucking spiders as for now on...

By neonoodle | 0

#27979 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:28

well, at least your penis didn't explode from a spider bite.