Intimacy: Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on...

By SpiderMan - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Stress level: 2020

Assumption Day

By Teen - United States

Whoops

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schenectady

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

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By Ackbar - United States

Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML

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By Samson - United States

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, there was an issue with the sewage system at work. It smelled like somebody took a turd, left it in the sun to marinate, threw up on it, then put in the air conditioning to fill the store with nauseating stink. I nearly threw up multiple times because we weren't allowed to leave early. FML

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By fatman - United States

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

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By tryingtostealmyheart

Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 23:01 - United States - High Springs

Used car, one careful owner

Today, after searching online and in the newspaper for an affordable used vehicle, I finally came across one that wasn't a scam or the seller lying about the actual condition of the vehicle. It was legit and and sold about 10 minutes after the seller gave me his info for me to go look at it. FML

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By someone - United States - San Diego

Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first time ever. He glanced at me, then started playing with a Rubik's cube. FML

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By great parenting pal - 11/8/2020 02:01

Child labor

Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

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By cold-n-stinky - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

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By Latina - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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By inked - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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By bloody good time

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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By JC - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

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By highlandgirl10 - Canada

Today, I brought my boyfriend of a year and a half to meet my parents. Turns out he dated my mom. This should be a fun dinner. FML

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By 5220 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

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By Stressed Seamstress - United States - Charlotte

Today, my usual 15 minute return trip from the fabric store took almost an hour and a half due to traffic. Once I finally got home, I realized I misunderstood the pattern I'm using and only bought half the fabric I needed. FML

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By _Tatyana_ - United States - Gettysburg

Today, after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I woke up from a much needed nap realizing I should take my pain medication. My mother then told me she had thrown them out so I wouldn't get addicted and become a drug dealer. FML

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By soembarrassed - Australia

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

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By schwange - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

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By .... - United States

Today, I was introduced to my dad's girlfriend of six months. I've already heard them sleeping together several time,s and seen her car pull away early in the morning. After meeting face to face, I also learned that she's only two years older than me. FML

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By public pooper - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I really like. I let him use my phone, forgetting about the messages I'd sent about the consistency of my bowel movements. FML

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By corn - United Kingdom

Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

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By Newly Minted Canuck

Today, my daughter found a hair baked into the crust of her pizza. Grossed out, she put it down the garbage disposal, but I told her to dig it out so we could get a refund. After dinner, she came looking for the saved pizza crust. I was baffled about where it was until I realized I'd eaten it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

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By udnrizh - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

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By Oops - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. FML

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By kprice6 - United States

Today, I found FML for the first time in class, and literally laughed out loud in the middle of the lecture in front of 200 classmates. Today's lecture? The cruelties of slavery. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 08:02 - Germany

Anxiety

Today, and for the last 5 days, I’ve been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m. Perfect time to get into work early, right? Except I’ve been unemployed for months and the one thing I’m trying to work on is my lack of sleep. FML

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By Mak10 - United States

Today, I went out to eat dinner with my family to celebrate my 18th birthday. I playfully put 3 straws between my knuckles to make myself look like Wolverine. I turned to my 6 year old nephew and ask, "Who am I?" He then replied with, "An idiot." FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

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Top comments

By btopishere | 1

#27959 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That's how Peter Parker was created.

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27951 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:08

Who the fuck masturbates into a sock?!?!
hahaha

COMMENTS

By horyo | 0

#27950 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:07

...Try using a condom next time. Or be like Doofy and use the vacuum machine.

iarediana | 0

#658652 - Saturday 7 November 2009 5:13

a vacuum machinee?

abcnonamecba | 0

#967447 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 21:09

wow u now hold a record for most insects fucked

AziraLevana | 2

#1012994 - Sunday 30 May 2010 23:10

252: Spiders aren't insects...

NonExistentCok | 0

#1296620 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:31

:O u shud use protection nxt Tym
but atleast look on de bright side u got fucked :)

atomicbaboon | 0

#3065532 - Monday 8 August 2011 18:53

Hope you bought it dinner first!

addiizcherry | 0

#3720428 - Monday 12 December 2011 13:20

Would this be qualified as rape?

Sniper_Chick4110 | 20

#5931418 - Thursday 1 May 2014 4:57

#312 Molestation at best. Unless it bit him...? Did it?

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27951 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:08

Who the fuck masturbates into a sock?!?!
hahaha

MegamiKaosu | 28

#3221200 - Friday 2 September 2011 7:09

I know a guy, we call him sock boy xD
we were on his site for his live web feed and we started teasing him and he banned us xD

Mforce | 8

#3694725 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 1:14

Most dudes who masturbate... You know... So they don't turn them selves into Cum Laudes

09Z_fml | 4

#4856760 - Friday 24 August 2012 20:59

um.. no most dudes dont..

laughingtoohard | 14

#6182050 - Saturday 24 January 2015 4:59

Rug burn on you dick bro

bryce0110 | 23

#6254372 - Monday 6 April 2015 23:12

A lot of guys do, but I personally never even thought of doing it.

By Samazoid | 0

#27955 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:10

Well now you can say you've done it.

By btopishere | 1

#27959 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That's how Peter Parker was created.

llstan2006 | 0

#459949 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 21:37

Made me roll on the floor forever! So funny!

OddLittleThing | 0

#971075 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 17:40

Ha!
love.

DrLemon | 0

#971615 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 4:52

ahaha. soo, to beCUM a superhero some guy has to jack off in a sock filled with their desire?

Christine1997 | 0

#3304345 - Saturday 17 September 2011 19:29

Ahhahahahhahahahahhahaha

grapist111 | 4

#4441267 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 7:39

I wouldn't be surprised if one day, tons of little spiders showed up at his door for a "family reunion"

akg98 | 13

#4599124 - Friday 22 June 2012 7:57

Soooo fucking brilliant awesome!! I loled

By Crudez0rz | 0

#27964 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:15

LMFAO @ the Peter Parker comment

By Cryptix | 0

#27965 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:16

@ #4 comment; yeah or possibly become a new hero called the (Sperm)Man.

iluvpink10 | 0

#2264457 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 1:59

LMAO haaha!!!

DigitalFusion | 4

#3043532 - Friday 5 August 2011 9:53

There is no fucking way you were 18 when you posted this. 8 maximum.

BirdieCurls | 25

#5909055 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 6:52

You guys might be 2 years late, but I'm 5 years late!

By nyah_nyah | 0

#27968 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:19

@ #2..... apparently lots of guys masterbate into socks... havnt you seen american pie? lol

By tsezu | 0

#27972 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:23

Did you lose your virginity to a spider?

pianochk999 | 2

#5818723 - Monday 6 January 2014 12:57

No, he probably lost it the sock first.

By Cryptix | 0

#27974 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:24

Oh and I bet you're going to have nightmares about fucking spiders as for now on...

By neonoodle | 0

#27979 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:28

well, at least your penis didn't explode from a spider bite.