Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker...

By Fonzie34 - 1/3/2010 02:42 - United States

Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

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Animals

Thanks, I'm cured!

Billy no-mates

They're everywhere

By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 23:01

Unwanted

Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML

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By Arden - 3/2/2019 20:00

Today, my dog peed on my bed because my parents were presumably having sex and I was too scared to go downstairs and take her out because of it. FML

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By treehugger - 20/3/2012 09:47 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2015 04:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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By aurelj1 - 3/8/2016 19:59 - United States - Colleyville

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and am single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

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By CantPublish - 15/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

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By poopooppachuu - 11/10/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

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By TVKill3r - 29/3/2013 00:57 - United States

Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 04:51 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 15:00

Today, UPS delivered my kinky sex toys to my ex-husband. Apparently the delivery went wrong so they sent it to the last known address. He called to say he got my "package" and I had to go pick it up. FML

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By becca1417 - 1/9/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

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By jessefonsexy. - 7/12/2010 11:08 - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By Wellokthen - 17/2/2017 22:00 - United States

So Sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

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By theflasher - 13/8/2015 21:10 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

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By bad dad - 15/3/2020 00:01

We Are Family

Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML

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By letdown13 - 3/4/2013 16:50 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my husband told me to look for a honeymoon resort, since we had to cancel it last year. I looked everything up and got all excited. Just when I asked him for payment information, he said "April Fools!" April Fools was two days ago. FML

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By Enragedbitch - 20/10/2012 08:49 - United States - Torrance

Today, my husband informed me that he recently slept with a secretary of his to become better at sex for me. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he cheated on me or that he seriously believes that he has a reasonable excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2011 20:42 - United States

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 16:25 - Serbia - Beograd

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 05:02

Unprofessional

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

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By tarheels526 - 8/2/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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By SBCR - 7/12/2012 06:01 - United States - Ankeny

Today, my best friend announced she was getting married. I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid but she then added, "You can't be in the bridal party because you don't have the same body type as the other bridesmaids. But you can still come to the bachelorette party!" FML

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By milkymoo - 30/5/2011 01:45 - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By me - 5/12/2011 08:05 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's response to my question about where our relationship was going was, "Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, after being turned away by nearly all the restaurants in the area, I tried applying at Burger King. They too turned me away. I have a Culinary School Degree. FML

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By bsulyingb - 24/11/2013 19:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

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By Stalkerella - 8/5/2018 05:51

Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML

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By ap84 - 27/2/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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By Dana - 10/5/2011 08:36 - Netherlands

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

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By booste - 18/10/2009 04:06 - Canada

Today, I was written up because my manager heard me insulting a customer. How did I insult her? I called her grandma. Who did I say this to? My grandma. FML

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By NotAThief - 17/7/2017 20:00

Swiper No Swiping!

Today, I got a talking-to at work from my new manager for eating other peoples' lunches. Immediately afterwards, I watched my manager leave the room, take MY lunch, and begin eating it. Apparently my new manager is the thief, and I'm now the office pariah who gets the blame. Nobody believes me. FML

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By Lola - 26/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By lashless - 22/5/2010 20:32 - United States

Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

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By alone - 20/4/2019 02:00

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been talking to another girl behind my back about how much he hates being with me. Turns out he’s been talking to her everyday for 3 months, and she kept pushing him to leave me, but he was only staying because I cook for him. FML

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By haytia22 - 24/7/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way its supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells "turn the gas off". FML

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By Chad - 6/9/2020 13:59 - United States - Norfolk

Medicare for all

Today, I had to have emergency work done on my teeth after I seized in the shower and smashed my face into the tub. Apparently, the dental insurance I'd been paying for but had never used ended its coverage 4 days ago, because my job was no longer working with them. FML

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By Anoniem - 10/12/2018 17:30 - Netherlands

Today, my two co-workers got the promotion we were all working for. The reason they got the promotion and not me? My interview got cancelled because of a policy change, implemented that day. FML

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Top comments

By DGross | 8

#903695 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:43

I say unleash a 6 pound one on his nuts and see how he likes it :-P

By vexis58 | 1

#903809 - Monday 1 March 2010 10:24

I was not aware lobster could be a verb. Learn something new every day.

COMMENTS

By Peter_File | 0

#903678 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:38

epic win for the co worker

steph959 | 0

#903683 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:40

ouch.

im2good25 | 0

#903738 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:56

epic win for the lobster

tweetbaby14 | 17

#903919 - Monday 1 March 2010 11:47

mmmmm lobster. oh yea and you should of made one pinch the other persons face

reyemrein | 0

#904658 - Monday 1 March 2010 18:03

There are much more painful places where you could make a lobster pinch him....

vrock | 0

#909130 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 1:25

what an asshole

By IfuckedMYlifebad | 0

#903691 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:43

smack her with the lobster

FYLDeep | 25

#905143 - Monday 1 March 2010 21:54

Or hire Mike Tyson to get him back.

fattypie101 | 0

#1013202 - Monday 31 May 2010 1:30

suck it up

By DGross | 8

#903695 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:43

I say unleash a 6 pound one on his nuts and see how he likes it :-P

By Asstazztic | 8

#903709 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:50

You guys are immature for telling him to be just like this immature dick

By I_am_that_guy | 0

#903713 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:51

the two of you are terrible that was a dick move but any pain to the balls is just too much I'd rather get pinched by a lobster on the ear than anything to the balls

I_am_that_guy | 0

#903719 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:52

btw swollen for 5 hrs isn't so bad at least it wasn't swollen for days op is a fast healer I guess

By iota_fml | 0

#903717 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:52

snickers what a waste of good food that would be £。bster ftw

By Fedor_is_KING | 0

#903727 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:53

I just visualized said FML. Your co-worker was right, it WAS funny. FYEL (E for ear)

By mama2b3 | 20

#903753 - Monday 1 March 2010 10:00

chuck a lobster at his face! better yet, do cats enjoy lobster? if so throw a cat at him the cat should try to maul him if he smells like lobster which I'm assuming he would... awh i love how cats are so versatile, house pet to weapon in .4 seconds XD

By enphinitie | 20

#903787 - Monday 1 March 2010 10:14

ouch... :(

By andruha1123 | 5

#903806 - Monday 1 March 2010 10:24

can I have some snickerdoodles?