Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard...

By nofunforme - United States - Candler

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Late term

Roommate from hell

By AHHH_REPTAR - United States - Spearfish

Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

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By tubedout - United States

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

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By no more tp

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wrecked my car because my mom texted me, telling me not to text and drive. FML

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By banana2894 - United States - Eugene

Today, I looked over at the car parked next to me and noticed a very large woman plucking her mustache. She locked eyes with me and kept plucking. After that, every time I looked over, she was still staring. Staring and plucking. Now when I close my eyes, I can still see her. FML

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27485

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By Shoofly - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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36840

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By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

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By Shavaughn Riley - 31/10/2020 23:03 - New Zealand - Kawerau

Being a parent 101

Today, my girlfriend and I started to be intimate after a run of dry spells. I was looking forward to this, until one of our kids came barging into our room and ruined the moment for the rest of the night. FML

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855

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216

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By wench - United States

Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked over at the car next to me and saw a smoking hot guy from my school staring at me in disgust. He kept staring until I took a turn-off. FML

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By iamsolid - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

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By spaaaarta

Today, I was washing my car, I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML

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By Richard - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

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26399

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By paperbagofdoom - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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43582

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML

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32634

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By Gasman - New Zealand

Today, I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and thought that I was alone. I let rip 2 massive farts before realising there was a very short woman behind the computer screen at the desk. FML

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3452

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By Hypocrisy - United States

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

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19597

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By sharni88 - Australia

Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML

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16954

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By levi69 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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3643

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By Anonymous - United States - Herndon

Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run." then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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2097

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By VHBJ - United States - Charlotte

Pranked

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

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By splooge - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from my dad's house. He'd shaved her head bald. "For a laugh." FML

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23988

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother came over again to help me work on my Student Aid application. She also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since I was born to help pay for college. Turns out they won't reach maturity until I'm thirty. She never bothered to check out this fact. I'm screwed for college. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 05:02

Getting no pussy love

Today, since getting the new kitten that only I wanted, it has scratched me and peed on my socks, my side of the bed and my laptop. It loves my husband though, who was against getting a cat at all. FML

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1203

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 19:08 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Covidiots

Today, I had to abandon my shopping after a Covidiot directly sneezed all over it. He took his mask off because he was about to sneeze. FML

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1035

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By youlovewaffles

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. FML

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1199

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

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By thanks a lot asshole - 26/9/2020 17:02 - United States

One law for thee, another for me

Today, I went to visit my father. His new wife has hoarded out our childhood home nearly to the point of it being unliveable. That’s pretty funny, considering my dad used to literally beat us if our rooms weren’t clean or we left dishes in the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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17084

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By lizzie - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, it was my wedding. Every good wedding has slutty wedding sex, and I thought it would be over after my cousin and his girlfriend were caught in the parking lot. I was wrong, the sluttiest wedding sex goes to my drunk husband and sister in the coat room. FML

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By USSEYL - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

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50918

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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40883

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By mycedes - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

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By gRRRrr - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

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44514

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5743

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By Rejected. - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

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49210

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By Anonymous - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend of a month has a new girlfriend. That girl is my cousin, the same one who's been listening to my tears fall as I've confided my feelings to her for the past few weeks. FML

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31536

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7815423 - Wednesday 26 June 2019 2:26

What a buzzkill.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7815448 - Wednesday 26 June 2019 6:12

Umm why was the dog in the room with you, kick it out shut the door and lock it, but ya that is still hilarious.

COMMENTS

By what | 1

#7815340 - Tuesday 25 June 2019 18:20

Can’t blame him for being weary of foreign invaders...btw that’s freaking hilarious

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7815423 - Wednesday 26 June 2019 2:26

What a buzzkill.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7815448 - Wednesday 26 June 2019 6:12

Umm why was the dog in the room with you, kick it out shut the door and lock it, but ya that is still hilarious.

By warmonger711 | 8

#7815835 - Thursday 27 June 2019 8:06

The dog wants a turn.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7816730 - Sunday 30 June 2019 2:16

Talk about bad vibes!