Intimacy: Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her... - FML

By Ethan - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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Proactive

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Thanks for the miracle

By NicoleNoone - 1/8/2020 05:01

Banished

Today, my older sister told me about their table plan at their wedding. She is one of my best friends too, so I was shocked that I had been placed far away, and separated from my husband. FML

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By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

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By crazyk2468 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

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By Iron11

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

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By retard99 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

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By "Lennie Mcfish"

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me. Why do you ask? She caught me masturbating even though she previously told me she won't have sex with until she's married. FML

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By bullsonyourface

Bread is serious stuff

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

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By "Kaluhaluha"

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

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By Dog_Lover - Canada - Montreal

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

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By mike oxsmall - United States

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

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By flipflop - United States

Today, I got married. I was so nervous right before I said my vows that, in the dead silence, I farted. Loud. My brother showed me afterwards, on tape, over and over and over again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work, when I got bored and started spinning around in my chair for a little fun. As I was spinning, I went to grab my phone. I missed and sent my phone flying, hitting my coworker in the face. My boss witnessed the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Sneaky

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

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By brrrr that's cold! - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

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By fmlisthebomb - United States

Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

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By pukishgirl - India

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Optimism

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

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By steve - United States

Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 17:00

Headfucked

Today, after two weeks of migraines, my doctor informed me that bowel movements are one my triggers. This means every time I shit, I will have a headache. FML

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By jackass - United States

Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML

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By ponyboy - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she suspected me of cheating. She thought I was cheating because she caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night. I was sneaking out to plan my proposal to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They're everywhere. FML

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By Yudor - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she woke up after yesterday’s party with someone else’s trousers. FML

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By rindawg - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a nice seafood dinner where we had some great crab legs. Later tonight we drove down to the beach and started messing around. He started touching me... with his hands still covered in salty crab juice. FML

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By rugernut13 - United States

Today, I went out to start my car to go to work. When it wouldn't start, I popped the hood to see what was wrong. Some kind individual took advantage of the fact that my window doesn't roll up, and stole my battery. FML

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By thats what my ipod is for - United States

Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML

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By HeIsKindaRightTho - United States - Houghton

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

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By jeed(1) - France - Marseille

Today, at work, I stepped out for a few minutes to use the bathroom. Shortly after returning, I found out the hard way that one of my coworkers had used my computer to send a profanity-filled email to our boss, calling him an asshole and telling him to go fuck himself. I'm now jobless. FML

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By Char - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

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By whatsmccraken - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

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By Jesse - United States - Bothell

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

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Top comments

By hardcore_fml | 0

#23361 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:21

Why would she know what you meant? Let's go through the conversation. What did you get me for my birthday? I'm going to shoot my load on your neck/chest. Now gauge the excitement upon hearing this news and discover that you're a douche. lol.

By Heidi_fml | 0

#23336 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:01

Um... why would she appreciate YOUR meaning as a birthday gift? Disgusting.

COMMENTS

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#23325 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:54

Dude... sounds better than Dirty Sanchez or something like that.

Reply

owneditup | 0

#1078012 - Sunday 11 July 2010 7:49

LOL i can picture the conversation "so watd ur boyfriend give u?" "hey said hed get me a dirty sanchez... i think its sum fancy mexican meal" BTW OP ur nasty

By shady_angel | 0

#23329 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:56

hmmm... you think her dad knew what you ment?? LOL sooo funny.... you did get her a gift though right??

Reply

kitkat98_fml | 0

#2859831 - Sunday 10 July 2011 7:41

I don't get it. what did he mean

Reply

ifinsane | 6

#3533429 - Thursday 3 November 2011 0:33

Yeah the gift that keeps on givin

Reply

mischiefkel | 17

#4256336 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 3:29

182- a 'pearl necklace' is when a girl gives a guy a blowjob and he finishes around her neck and face, and since it's white, it resembles a pearl necklace. So giving someone a pearl necklace is the polite-ish way of saying he's getting a blowjob.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#4735025 - Thursday 26 July 2012 10:08

HIt's a pretty shitty gift too! Happy birthday! Now suck my dick!!! -.- this is why I hate people...

Reply

haileyshelton | 14

#5712667 - Saturday 12 October 2013 1:55

193- Oh okay, I thought it was classy anal beads.

Reply

piggybits | 14

#5897874 - Friday 28 March 2014 3:34

Fellatio doesn't need to be involved for one to receive a pearl necklace

By bobdole | 0

#23331 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:58

you should have given her the angry dragon

By Heidi_fml | 0

#23336 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:01

Um... why would she appreciate YOUR meaning as a birthday gift? Disgusting.

Reply

SonicRainboom | 3

#3858998 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 4:30

Pleasure > Material Goods

Reply

rabidfairy | 9

#6113618 - Saturday 8 November 2014 19:38

yeah but it's not pleasure for her.

Reply

gizmodorner | 15

#6583518 - Tuesday 19 April 2016 12:54

some women enjoy that

By gigglepants | 0

#23344 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:09

#6 hey, some people enjoy it!

By skatingweasel | 0

#23345 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:10

At least you didnt get her a brown tie

Reply

musiclovr27 | 1

#4260384 - Thursday 5 April 2012 2:27

Whats a brown tie?

Reply

dragonstrike94 | 8

#4301901 - Saturday 14 April 2012 2:22

Lol

By Cassy_fml | 0

#23346 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:10

Dude, hope her parents didn't understand!

Also, you shouldn't give her false expectations... I guess now you have to buy her a pearl necklace... uh, I mean with real pearls X-D!

By Katatonik | 0

#23353 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:14

#2
Pear Necklace aren't beads.

Reply

AlexisSilver | 10

#1204369 - Saturday 7 August 2010 19:10

Then what is it??

Reply

allichap2012 | 0

#2180207 - Monday 14 March 2011 13:46

When you are having sex and right before the guy cums (either oral or insertion) he pulls out and aims at the womans neck making his sperm form a necklace

Reply

iiDangerCloseBK | 6

#2554726 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:01

You must have some experience with that. (;

By sprinkesrdelish | 5

#23360 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:19

I'm just disgusted by you.

Reply

ChatAlors_fml | 16

#5627499 - Wednesday 14 August 2013 20:00

If I could thumb you up twice I'd do it

By hardcore_fml | 0

#23361 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:21

Why would she know what you meant? Let's go through the conversation. What did you get me for my birthday? I'm going to shoot my load on your neck/chest. Now gauge the excitement upon hearing this news and discover that you're a douche. lol.