Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her... - FML

By Ethan - 9/3/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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Caught red-handed

Vultures

Live dumping

By Craig - 17/2/2010 06:30 - Canada

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her "the usual". She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

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By lonelyboy101 - 27/8/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

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By marlow - 15/1/2009 02:25 - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

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By MumMatters - 9/9/2016 10:26 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

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By foreveralone - 24/9/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML

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By Stupendous_ - 3/12/2012 07:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

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By Santa - 12/12/2011 21:45 - Canada

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

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By Scarred - 4/9/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

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By me - 29/10/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh I had an itch..." FML

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By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By daddysboy123 - 6/8/2009 15:40 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

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By whatjusthappened - 6/9/2013 00:46 - United States - Loveland

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

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By Carrie - 28/3/2020 02:00

Stuck in the middle with you

Today, I had to beg and argue with my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This has become a recurring argument now we're confined together. FML

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By abusedparrot - 24/8/2014 12:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

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By Neuronerd - 19/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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By Liz - 9/6/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, I thought an attractive guy was looking at my tits instead of my face, and prepared to act offended and perhaps flirt. Unfortunately, he was actually looking at the peeling and flaking sunburn in my cleavage, and informed me that Aloe might be helpful. FML

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By - 18/1/2020 18:00

Strange flight

Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML

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By MetalisLife - 11/1/2017 09:50

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

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By mandygeegoesnom - 29/2/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

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By Wilhelm - 26/4/2016 14:47 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

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By argh - 13/3/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - 31/8/2012 19:20 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

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By T.C - 23/1/2010 12:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. FML

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By LD - 23/1/2015 16:46 - United States - Nampa

Today, I witnessed my husband in the shower singing Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" to his penis while manscaping. I guess that's a bond we'll never have. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 13:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

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By FML - 12/8/2010 16:19 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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By conbon123 - 29/4/2013 07:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

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By Lulu - 5/12/2013 23:39 - United States - Imperial

Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML

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By oh my dad - 13/2/2013 16:45 - United States - Florence

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

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By thicklysettled - 20/7/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

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By wow - 19/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

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By number2 - 15/12/2009 08:50 - United States

Today, it hit me that my dad didn't cry when I moved out, he did so only when I came back later to pick up my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 17:16 - Australia

Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

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By bookworm - 19/11/2014 20:56 - United States - Victoria

Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML

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By annoyed - 11/5/2016 11:40 - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML

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By Matthew - 16/6/2017 22:00 - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

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Top comments

By hardcore_fml | 0

#23361 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:21

Why would she know what you meant? Let's go through the conversation. What did you get me for my birthday? I'm going to shoot my load on your neck/chest. Now gauge the excitement upon hearing this news and discover that you're a douche. lol.

By Heidi_fml | 0

#23336 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:01

Um... why would she appreciate YOUR meaning as a birthday gift? Disgusting.

Comments

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#23325 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:54

Dude... sounds better than Dirty Sanchez or something like that.

Reply

owneditup | 0

#1078012 - Sunday 11 July 2010 7:49

LOL i can picture the conversation "so watd ur boyfriend give u?" "hey said hed get me a dirty sanchez... i think its sum fancy mexican meal" BTW OP ur nasty

By shady_angel | 0

#23329 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:56

hmmm... you think her dad knew what you ment?? LOL sooo funny.... you did get her a gift though right??

Reply

kitkat98_fml | 0

#2859831 - Sunday 10 July 2011 7:41

I don't get it. what did he mean

Reply

ifinsane | 6

#3533429 - Thursday 3 November 2011 0:33

Yeah the gift that keeps on givin

Reply

mischiefkel | 17

#4256336 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 3:29

182- a 'pearl necklace' is when a girl gives a guy a blowjob and he finishes around her neck and face, and since it's white, it resembles a pearl necklace. So giving someone a pearl necklace is the polite-ish way of saying he's getting a blowjob.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#4735025 - Thursday 26 July 2012 10:08

HIt's a pretty shitty gift too! Happy birthday! Now suck my dick!!! -.- this is why I hate people...

Reply

haileyshelton | 14

#5712667 - Saturday 12 October 2013 1:55

193- Oh okay, I thought it was classy anal beads.

Reply

piggybits | 14

#5897874 - Friday 28 March 2014 3:34

Fellatio doesn't need to be involved for one to receive a pearl necklace

By bobdole | 0

#23331 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:58

you should have given her the angry dragon

By Heidi_fml | 0

#23336 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:01

Um... why would she appreciate YOUR meaning as a birthday gift? Disgusting.

Reply

SonicRainboom | 3

#3858998 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 4:30

Pleasure > Material Goods

Reply

rabidfairy | 9

#6113618 - Saturday 8 November 2014 19:38

yeah but it's not pleasure for her.

Reply

gizmodorner | 15

#6583518 - Tuesday 19 April 2016 12:54

some women enjoy that

By gigglepants | 0

#23344 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:09

#6 hey, some people enjoy it!

By skatingweasel | 0

#23345 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:10

At least you didnt get her a brown tie

Reply

musiclovr27 | 1

#4260384 - Thursday 5 April 2012 2:27

Whats a brown tie?

Reply

dragonstrike94 | 8

#4301901 - Saturday 14 April 2012 2:22

Lol

By Cassy_fml | 0

#23346 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:10

Dude, hope her parents didn't understand!

Also, you shouldn't give her false expectations... I guess now you have to buy her a pearl necklace... uh, I mean with real pearls X-D!

By Katatonik | 0

#23353 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:14

#2
Pear Necklace aren't beads.

Reply

AlexisSilver | 10

#1204369 - Saturday 7 August 2010 19:10

Then what is it??

Reply

allichap2012 | 0

#2180207 - Monday 14 March 2011 13:46

When you are having sex and right before the guy cums (either oral or insertion) he pulls out and aims at the womans neck making his sperm form a necklace

Reply

iiDangerCloseBK | 6

#2554726 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:01

You must have some experience with that. (;

By sprinkesrdelish | 5

#23360 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:19

I'm just disgusted by you.

Reply

ChatAlors_fml | 16

#5627499 - Wednesday 14 August 2013 20:00

If I could thumb you up twice I'd do it

By hardcore_fml | 0

#23361 - Monday 9 March 2009 20:21

Why would she know what you meant? Let's go through the conversation. What did you get me for my birthday? I'm going to shoot my load on your neck/chest. Now gauge the excitement upon hearing this news and discover that you're a douche. lol.