Intimacy: Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her... - FML

By Ethan - 09/03/2009 13:35 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 081

You deserved it 94 951

Coherence dude, do you have it?

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Mother of the year

By Anonymous - 16/06/2019 00:01

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 422

You deserved it 204

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 011

You deserved it 5 851

Badmouth Strikes Again

By Melissa - 08/03/2020 14:00

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 307

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 20:32

Spicy

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 407

You deserved it 1 698

By Anonymous - 03/08/2009 14:50 - United States

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 937

You deserved it 3 921

Appearance matters

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 23:00

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 315

You deserved it 371

By kumbuck3t15 - 29/07/2012 20:20 - Mexico - Distrito Federal

Today, I decided I need to get a life. I reached this epiphany when I failed to take notice of my friend calling me, until he started calling out my Xbox gamertag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 500

You deserved it 25 800

By babs - 07/05/2013 19:07 - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 103

You deserved it 4 725

Bismillah no!

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 17:06

Today, my dad forbade me from playing or listening to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 482

By Anon - 22/04/2013 07:19 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 195

You deserved it 126 049

RIP x 2

By Anonymous - 15/07/2021 06:54

Today, my mother-in-law passed away. She wasn’t even cold yet when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Apparently, only her mother guilt-tripping her kept us together the last few years, but now she’s dead, she’s dumping my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 105

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 06:10 - United States - Rochester

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. We did it on the floor in my step-sister's room, and the entire time he kept pushing my head into the carpet. I lost my V-card but gained rug burn on my face that looks like a fatal disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 480

You deserved it 22 994

Worried

By Theo Edwards - 15/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my girlfriend is talking to some guy from across the country. When I ask about it, she claims, "Oh he's just a friend, and won't talk to him anymore." Now she's doing it secretly and deleting messages. She has kids, and I care for them and her, but I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 966

You deserved it 115

By missmisfit - 13/06/2012 04:14 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I gave my puppy a treat for finally doing his business in the grass instead of on the patio. He later puked it up all over the patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 971

You deserved it 3 302

By annoyed - 28/08/2012 17:50 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 157

You deserved it 1 895

By Username - 28/09/2010 16:16 - France

Today, my mum suggested that I should take self-defense lessons just in case I ever get attacked. Jokingly, I said, "As long as I walk under street lamps, no one is going to touch me." She replied, "Well, you never know, they might mistake you for someone good looking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 298

You deserved it 4 833

By ol faithful - 03/09/2011 09:24 - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 879

You deserved it 41 761

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 278

You deserved it 72 362

By Anonymous - 27/07/2013 17:51 - Finland

Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 001

You deserved it 8 739

By Anonymous - 13/01/2012 18:58 - Canada

Today, it's Friday the 13th. I've never been superstitious, and I figured it would be a normal day, that is until my hot water heater exploded and rained water into my downstairs neighbour's apartment for two hours before anyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 672

You deserved it 2 405

By titsmcgee - 11/02/2015 21:51 - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 112

You deserved it 7 034

You tried

By LostAlice - 28/03/2021 17:01

Today, I requested a deadline extension at work. The extension was granted, but it didn't apply to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 757

You deserved it 65

By Anonymous - 02/08/2013 21:34 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 912

You deserved it 5 371

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Spicy

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 798

You deserved it 11 832

By Anonymous - 02/09/2017 13:00

Today, changing the garbage in the bathroom at work resulted in a hospital visit after an incorrectly disposed used needle scraped into my thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 016

You deserved it 204

Light bulb moment

By stupid!!! - 02/09/2020 19:58

Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 505

You deserved it 1 021

By Anonymous - 21/07/2013 04:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 957

You deserved it 4 608

By BiteMe - 30/08/2016 23:29 - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, my dentist told me I have a cavity and blamed it on the "subpar" toothpaste I've been using - the same toothpaste he recommended six months ago at my last appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 209

You deserved it 1 171

By Sam - 14/10/2017 04:30

Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 904

You deserved it 888

By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I was feeling super nervous about driving because I had my first accident the day before. As I stopped at a red light, I got rear-ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 652

You deserved it 2 600

Sleep punching is a thing

By Anonymous - 13/09/2021 02:00

Today, I woke up to a punch in the face. My girlfriend said it was because she dreamed that I'd bought all her friends Taco Bell but didn't bring her anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 87

By fartlover - 27/11/2009 05:10 - Canada

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and I smelled a delicious aroma as I walked in so I asked him what he was cooking. His response was, "I'm not cooking anything. I just farted." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 243

You deserved it 8 616

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

By Miren - 02/07/2021 22:01

Today, I thought I was suddenly having insulin problems due to my medical conditions. Turns out, every 4 weeks, your ovaries can just decide to make your blood sugar drop, even if you're transitioning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 400

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 05:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I really like, and she was telling me how crappy her day was. Trying to be nice, I gave her a back rub. I somehow managed to unhook her bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 354

You deserved it 9 012

Squeezed one out

By harris - 25/06/2021 02:00

Today, I was desperate for the toilet when I got stopped by our CEO for a chat about a project I made a ton of profit on. I was so close to disaster that when she pulled me in for a hug I wasn’t expecting, it happened. Diarrhoea down my legs and shoes. I practically made the CEO vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 207

You deserved it 182

By Anonymous - 04/02/2014 21:42 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 255

You deserved it 4 460

By Tiana - 29/01/2012 02:34 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was watching a movie in the basement with my boyfriend when we started to get a little frisky. My mom walks down with dirty laundry and tells him to stop it because I'm creaming all over my undies. She showed him a pair of dirty ones to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 167

You deserved it 9 226

By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 857

You deserved it 8 237

Simps gonna simp

By Anonymous - 02/02/2021 07:58

Today, I just found out that I was missing almost $500 from my debit card. Turns out my brother used my card to simp on a streamer. When I confronted him, he said, "But you would have simped on her either way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 107

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 19:59 - Korea Republic of

Today, I found out that both my boyfriend and his brother feel completely comfortable going into the bathroom and talking to their mother while she is on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 123

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:21

Why would she know what you meant? Let's go through the conversation. What did you get me for my birthday? I'm going to shoot my load on your neck/chest. Now gauge the excitement upon hearing this news and discover that you're a douche. lol.

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:01

Um... why would she appreciate YOUR meaning as a birthday gift? Disgusting.

Comments

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Monday 9 March 2009 19:54

Dude... sounds better than Dirty Sanchez or something like that.

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Sunday 11 July 2010 7:49

LOL i can picture the conversation "so watd ur boyfriend give u?" "hey said hed get me a dirty sanchez... i think its sum fancy mexican meal" BTW OP ur nasty

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Monday 9 March 2009 19:56

hmmm... you think her dad knew what you ment?? LOL sooo funny.... you did get her a gift though right??

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Sunday 10 July 2011 7:41

I don't get it. what did he mean

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Thursday 3 November 2011 0:33

Yeah the gift that keeps on givin

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Wednesday 4 April 2012 3:29

182- a 'pearl necklace' is when a girl gives a guy a blowjob and he finishes around her neck and face, and since it's white, it resembles a pearl necklace. So giving someone a pearl necklace is the polite-ish way of saying he's getting a blowjob.

sens3sfailing 24

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Thursday 26 July 2012 10:08

HIt's a pretty shitty gift too! Happy birthday! Now suck my dick!!! -.- this is why I hate people...

haileyshelton 14

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Saturday 12 October 2013 1:55

193- Oh okay, I thought it was classy anal beads.

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Friday 28 March 2014 3:34

Fellatio doesn't need to be involved for one to receive a pearl necklace

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Monday 9 March 2009 19:58

you should have given her the angry dragon

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:01

Um... why would she appreciate YOUR meaning as a birthday gift? Disgusting.

SonicRainboom 3

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 4:30

Pleasure > Material Goods

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Saturday 8 November 2014 19:38

yeah but it's not pleasure for her.

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 12:54

some women enjoy that

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:09

#6 hey, some people enjoy it!

skatingweasel 0

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:10

At least you didnt get her a brown tie

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Thursday 5 April 2012 2:27

Whats a brown tie?

dragonstrike94 8

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Saturday 14 April 2012 2:22

Lol

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:10

Dude, hope her parents didn't understand! Also, you shouldn't give her false expectations... I guess now you have to buy her a pearl necklace... uh, I mean with real pearls X-D!

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:14

#2 Pear Necklace aren't beads.

AlexisSilver 10

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Saturday 7 August 2010 19:10

Then what is it??

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Monday 14 March 2011 13:46

When you are having sex and right before the guy cums (either oral or insertion) he pulls out and aims at the womans neck making his sperm form a necklace

iiDangerCloseBK 6

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Monday 23 May 2011 22:01

You must have some experience with that. (;

sprinkesrdelish 5

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:19

I'm just disgusted by you.

ChatAlors_fml 16

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 20:00

If I could thumb you up twice I'd do it

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Monday 9 March 2009 20:21

Why would she know what you meant? Let's go through the conversation. What did you get me for my birthday? I'm going to shoot my load on your neck/chest. Now gauge the excitement upon hearing this news and discover that you're a douche. lol.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 22

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 146