Today, I was getting ready for a date, so to avoid stinky pits,...

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was getting ready for a date, so to avoid stinky pits, I went to put some deodorant on. However, when I raised my arm to apply it, I almost sliced my hand off when I raised it right into the ceiling fan. FML

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How could you forget?

Not having a good time, really

Buzzing the tower

By Anonymous - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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By 2pale - United States - Humble

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day of softball practice. I'm the youngest one on the team by about 2 years, so I wanted to prove I'm just as good as everyone else. Too bad I tripped in the outfield and got hit in the head with a bat. I have a concussion. FML

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, I spilled my heart out to a guy by showing him one of my poetry journals. He read through it and said, "Wow, I feel sorry for the guy you wrote about." The poems were all about how I loved him. FML

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By mandinga - United States

Please?

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

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By D.W.

Today, the new Apple update put all of the 100+ nudes I'd sent my boyfriend on his mother's phone because their accounts are linked. FML

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By JuicyJohn - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By dragos_dgt - Romania

Today, at work, my boss stared at me from behind while I made hand gestures and noises at a toaster. I was pretending to be Magneto. FML

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By tori210

Today, I was walking out of work. I felt like everyone was staring at me but brushed it off. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had toilet paper sticking out of my pants. FML

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By julesmommy - United States

Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML

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By random person - United States

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe;)." and "Shit wrong person." to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

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19479

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. It said "Blow me, bitch. It's my b-day." FML

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21087

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By Alisterine - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

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41147

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML

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32774

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By Muffinhater - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

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By eternal

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

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By nocostumeforme - Canada

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

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28912

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By H8TR - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

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16556

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my niece to house-sit because she acts very mature and sensible while her brother is an idle slob. Turns out the idle slob nephew is the mature one while the sensible niece actually likes to throw house parties. I found a used condom stuck to my ceiling. FML

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By Sebastian - United States

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 14:01

Thanks Dad

Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML

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By BrandNewLemon - United States - Lancaster

Today, I financed my first car. I also made my first call to AAA when it broke down. It barely had any miles on it and I wasn't even home yet. FML

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By blocked - United States

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

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27521

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got an e-mail from a guy I'd had a one night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. Turns out he's in rehab and he wanted to address the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his life. I am a on a drug addict's list of regrets. FML

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By a.baybay - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rock Hill

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

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24203

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

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50201

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By icarlypoop - 11/4/2020 23:00

Good impressions last

Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML

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1157

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By deflower - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By Purple-jacket

Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

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By bras r expensive ppl

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

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By FullOfNick - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

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By random guy - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML

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By maleficunt - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, a customer yelled at me so furiously that she sprayed my face with spittle. I had to stand there, smiling and politely explaining that I needed to see a receipt before I could give her a refund. When she finally gave up and left, my boss bitched me out for "provoking the customer". FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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By Pinkie - United States

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7827004 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 9:42

Unless your ceiling fan blades are Crocodile Dundee knives, the hands usually come out on top in such a collision.

By evilplatypus | 38

#7826969 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 8:52

How tall are you/how short are your ceilings?!?!

COMMENTS

By evilplatypus | 38

#7826969 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 8:52

How tall are you/how short are your ceilings?!?!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7827004 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 9:42

Unless your ceiling fan blades are Crocodile Dundee knives, the hands usually come out on top in such a collision.

By Johnny5 | 15

#7827098 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 16:31

Who designed your fans? Jigsaw?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7827200 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 23:45

Am I the only one who doesn't have a ceiling fan? Even my roommate has one. I've had to take up valuable floor space with an oscillating fan. I wanted a ficus, dammit!

By KingAdrock | 16

#7827578 - Thursday 1 August 2019 9:10

Yeah... no. Ceiling fans are not sharp, not by any meaning of the word. If you got hurt then you'd get a bruise AT WORST.

By ThatEmoBoy | 26

#7854389 - Sunday 27 October 2019 0:40

why are your ceiling fan blades so sharp?