Intimacy: Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light.... - FML

By Smash_Mouth - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

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By uggghhhh

Today, it's 3 days before Christmas and my first day of holidays. Today is also the first day I have been sick all year. Hello tonsillitis, goodbye fun. FML

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By PuddlePirate - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

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By xoothc08 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By sexyconvo - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

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By Julieworld - 24/4/2020 08:00

Recycling helps

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

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By - United States - Zephyrhills

Today, my mom wanted me to pick up my cousin from work immediately. I'm in my shirt and underwear with no other clothes and I'm also too young to drive. She said "He won't mind, and just take my drivers license, they'll never know!" FML

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By Atheist - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my 10-year-old son told my 5-year-old daughter that we're a ghost family, and told her to run through our glass door to see for herself. She believed it, ran straight into the door, and ended up having to be taken to hospital. FML

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By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

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By tclwj - 6/9/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Kids and their wacky crazes

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By Kolkata - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Feelings

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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By "MarchingNightmare" - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I have had 4 nosebleeds. 4 of them, full-on, almost passing out nosebleeds. It's only noon. I think I need to see a doctor. FML

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By PeeLeg

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By Fred - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

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By cleangirl - United Kingdom

Today, my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time. He picked up something in the bathroom and said 'What the hell's this?'. I told him what it was for, and he said 'You girls and your weird female products. Who needs all this stuff?'. It wasn't a female thing. It was shampoo. FML

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By Jessie - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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By distressed - Australia - Burwood

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

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By treehouse

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

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By too slow - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By dinosaurboy - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin

Today, I finally got the balls to ask the girl of my dreams out, but all I could talk about was my two cats. FML

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By failureatlife - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By Z - United Kingdom

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By anonymus - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I overheard the guy I like talking to one of his friends about me. His friend asked if he and I were dating, to which he replied, "No way, dude. I have standards." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

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By gorillalove - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

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By Gears

Close shave

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

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By Evan Chong - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

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By LonelyGuy - Australia

Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML

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Top comments

By Esperantist | 0

#21307 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:20

This is where you point to your non-existent bluetooth headset on the side of your head facing away from her and say "Ha, this lady thought I was talking to her- Sorry Miss!"

By Hgm09 | 0

#21318 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:27

So now, not only did you announce your inadequate penis size to this young woman, but you've managed to tell the rest of the world, too. I mean, it's not really a big deal, but you obviously care enough to be embarassed that she heard you.

You're pretty dumb.

COMMENTS

By Esperantist | 0

#21307 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:20

This is where you point to your non-existent bluetooth headset on the side of your head facing away from her and say "Ha, this lady thought I was talking to her- Sorry Miss!"

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#886105 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 21:14

haha would you happen to be bill gates?

Reply

thegirlnextdoorr | 0

#1122774 - Thursday 22 July 2010 7:45

LMAO. Fail. I'd be soo embarrassed. YDI though... But hey. It's not the end of the world. Lesson learnes right? :)

Reply

thegirlnextdoorr | 0

#1122788 - Thursday 22 July 2010 7:47

Learned*

Reply

Paradoxasaurus | 0

#2103367 - Sunday 20 February 2011 16:14

Wow, a good first comment. That's a great idea, but it doesn't seem like OP has the brains to come up with it that quickly.
Also, OP deserves it for having a tiny dick.

By HANGtheFREAK | 0

#21309 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:22

That's what you get for being a chauvinistic pig.

Reply

Lee002 | 8

#799135 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:17

YDI for being attracted to women.

Reply

sebster5858 | 0

#947374 - Sunday 14 March 2010 22:31

WTF?

Reply

technicolourain1 | 0

#3509346 - Saturday 29 October 2011 19:22

I'm sorry, but how is saying that being chauvinistic? ...

Reply

lennonlucado | 1

#4329711 - Friday 20 April 2012 5:34

Chauvinist= excessively patriotic

Reply

MissAmz | 7

#4603890 - Saturday 23 June 2012 12:15

Don't see how that's being a 'chauvinist pig'.
Someone needs to lighten up a little.

Reply

eyepuppy | 31

#5870273 - Thursday 27 February 2014 5:23

what?

By Tenantry | 0

#21317 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:27

Her reaction?

Reply

EmreArslan | 11

#3538527 - Friday 4 November 2011 0:14

Oh so he is the 1 from smash.mouth.hasatinydick.com! XD

By Hgm09 | 0

#21318 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:27

So now, not only did you announce your inadequate penis size to this young woman, but you've managed to tell the rest of the world, too. I mean, it's not really a big deal, but you obviously care enough to be embarassed that she heard you.

You're pretty dumb.

Reply

xXJMcDowellXx | 0

#2740181 - Thursday 23 June 2011 4:11

I clap for your correct grammar. ....clap clap clap clap....

Reply

mk58 | 31

#4345369 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:09

If everyone clapped when people had good grammar, their hands would probably fall off.

By z4opv14 | 0

#21320 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:29

#4 You say it all :)

By Mistress_Puppy | 0

#21324 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:31

That's....just very funny! Were there other cars around,'cause I'm sure someone else must have had their window down too. xDDDD

By Xinxinix | 0

#21325 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:32

Oh geez. So, is that your technique in getting women to date you? "I have a small penis!", you're a genius.

By Shuttertap | 0

#21327 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:33

Ha! agree with #1's idea.

By woodstock_fml | 0

#21331 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:37

why would you even say that, even if the roof WAS up?

By Lucicx0 | 0

#21336 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:44

exactly what i was thinking #9, the guy must get nooo action.