Today, I was caught taking a Walnap. FML

By 8earclaw - 25/11/2016 16:20 - United States

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Toxic parents

True hero

Race against the clock

By manlyman - 5/4/2009 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were having some fertilization problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said "mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML

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By Lespoon - 25/2/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my mom drove my family to the desert for a themed family photo. We had to wear big frumpy old western-looking clothes in 115 degree weather. Hot and agitated, I muttered, "This is the ugliest thing I've ever had to wear." My mom, looking hurt, replied, "That's my wedding dress." FML

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By phillyfan4life - 21/2/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

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By PigPen - 27/9/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

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By Sissy - 6/12/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 16:12 - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By freed - 29/1/2014 05:13 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

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By boredbymyself - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States

NFL 2020

Today, it was the first game of 2020 Notre Dame football. My boyfriend’s family are huge fans and were upset because they weren’t doing well. When I left to get snacks for everyone, Notre Dame finally started playing better. I’ve been sent to the kitchen until further notice, because apparently I’m “bad luck”. FML

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By embarrassed4life - 25/6/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

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By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By JB - 9/9/2012 08:34 - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By Nissan_David - 18/1/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 10:17 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By SoGoodAtLife - 9/3/2016 19:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

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By ohlordhelpmenow - 15/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

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By etahrabayraa - 27/6/2020 08:08

Instadrama

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

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By sadmommy - 23/4/2012 22:51 - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2012 00:57 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

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By sad - 5/5/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

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By SeriouslyDad - 22/9/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

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By squirrel - 9/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By CH - 7/12/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

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By Kate - 7/6/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML

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By Eternal_Babyface - 8/11/2015 17:14 - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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By eww657 - 16/12/2009 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By Swaby - 1/3/2009 08:14 - Hong Kong

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 12:24 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went out of my way to avoid street preachers thrusting hateful propaganda at me. A young woman ran up to me and started waving paper in my face, and I snapped at her to fuck off. Right afterwards I realised she was returning something that fell out of my pocket. She looked terrified. FML

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By slicero - 7/12/2016 04:40

Today, I finally got a package for some pieces that my model kit was missing after I had contacted customer services about the problem. The package was still missing a piece. FML

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By fuundmental/// - 9/4/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By Tamps - 13/2/2009 09:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 00:01

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 22:53 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

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By dating a moron - 14/12/2014 17:30 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

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By miewann - 3/3/2015 19:06 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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By SeaBind - 16/11/2014 00:41 - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 02:12

Grand Old Irony

Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2015 04:16 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my psycho landlord threatened to take me to court if I don't pay my rent on time this month. I'd totally understand if he weren't my father-in-law, and if the reason I didn't pay on time before was because of hospital fees I'd incurred for an emergency appendectomy. FML

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Top comments

By EverdreamOfMe | 24

#6716428 - Saturday 26 November 2016 4:02

This is not even slightly funny, and I hope I don't get banned for saying that. I'm just pointing out what we're all thinking.

By redlizzybeth | 24

#6716359 - Friday 25 November 2016 23:07

Will they napmatch if you nap better somewhere else?

COMMENTS

By KyoshiroT | 32

#6716318 - Friday 25 November 2016 19:29

That joke was awful that it's funny

By sighlifeman | 12

#6716335 - Friday 25 November 2016 21:05

Walmart walnap

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6716346 - Friday 25 November 2016 22:05

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

kookysoc | 11

#6721724 - Monday 12 December 2016 10:10

LMAOO

By redlizzybeth | 24

#6716359 - Friday 25 November 2016 23:07

Will they napmatch if you nap better somewhere else?

By BestOrginalName | 22

#6716371 - Saturday 26 November 2016 0:43

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*coughs intensely*-HAHAHAHHA! Two jokes in one!

By ApplePie1994 | 27

#6716410 - Saturday 26 November 2016 3:12

Lol'd so hard that I fell off my trolley.

By EverdreamOfMe | 24

#6716428 - Saturday 26 November 2016 4:02

This is not even slightly funny, and I hope I don't get banned for saying that. I'm just pointing out what we're all thinking.

coming back in the future | 30

#6716467 - Saturday 26 November 2016 6:40

I think it's so bad it's funny.

By netflixjunkie8 | 8

#6716477 - Saturday 26 November 2016 7:17

By TxAsMaD3 | 19

#6716696 - Sunday 27 November 2016 2:42

If you haven't sat in one of those before you're missing out the kid cart is comfy as hell during a long work day

By cuz803 | 31

#6716896 - Sunday 27 November 2016 16:54

Well quite awfully funny, ay?

By 3daizies | 2

#7404687 - Sunday 5 February 2017 0:42

A walnap. In a Walcart. At Walmart.