Miscellaneous: Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to... - FML

By Anonymous - 02/02/2014 17:33 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 972

You deserved it 3 974

Age difference

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

Always carry around a pencil with you

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 197

By Anonymous - 26/01/2013 01:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 965

You deserved it 2 258

By lifedoessuck12 - 19/07/2009 14:13 - Philippines

Today, I had to wait outside Starbucks. While standing, I started day dreaming and didn't notice I had been staring at a table beside the window for a long time. Suddenly, someone went up to me and said "Try not to be so obvious". Sitting at the table was a girl with a huge cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 779

You deserved it 11 729

By Milked Richard - 06/02/2015 04:14 - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 130

You deserved it 5 613

By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/05/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 692

You deserved it 2 662

By shook - 06/09/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 11 737

By Eivana - 30/11/2018 12:00

Today, I finally got up the nerve to leave my boyfriend. We have no spark and quite honestly, it's been really awkward. I planned to tell him when he came in, and I did. After all was said and done, he handed me the roses and new puppy he had bought for me, a puppy that I had been saving up to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 155

You deserved it 1 284

By Teen With No Money - 03/08/2011 15:49 - United States

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 303

You deserved it 3 098

You tried

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 00:01 - Australia

Today, my colleague was wearing a beautiful dress. I decided that I had to go over and compliment her. As I walked over, my coffee cup flew out of my hand and onto said dress. She had to go home and change, and my boss had to cover for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 382

By leastitwasntsurpriseanal - 22/08/2014 20:26 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the living room. I jumped up and went running, only to find out it was my mother, who'd screamed at some dramatic plot twist in a Sex and the City episode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 321

You deserved it 3 490

By Rowaelin16 - 23/08/2016 02:50 - United States - Chicago

Spicy

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 842

You deserved it 1 455

By latenightbite - 16/03/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 092

You deserved it 3 078

By birthdayboy - 19/06/2019 16:22

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 835

You deserved it 130

By sadbuttrue. - 25/06/2014 01:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 299

You deserved it 3 838

By secret_source - 17/05/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 037

You deserved it 1 990

By Anonymous - 22/11/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 983

You deserved it 17 930

By lifesux - 05/02/2011 21:28 - South Africa

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 972

You deserved it 3 936

Mom of the year

By Yuni - 08/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant that I always go to, and one of the cute waiters gave me a discount. My mother called me a whore in the middle of the restaurant, then slapped me when I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 415

You deserved it 359

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 01:20 - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 433

You deserved it 3 219

Badass

By I’m stressed - 22/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, someone tried to open the stall I was in, and I instinctively screamed. I was yelled at and called, "incredibly rude and disrespectful." The lady then waited for me to come out so she could, "kick my ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 72

By Darling_Cherry - 02/01/2010 21:22 - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 089

You deserved it 6 909

By JazzSpazz - 11/08/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 847

You deserved it 24 024

By Christine - 24/12/2016 17:56

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 281

You deserved it 1 700

Banned

By Helen - 22/03/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, while showing my mum how to make a TikTok, she not only found the masturbation video I made to send to my husband while he’s away for work, she accidentally managed to post it to TikTok. FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 1 309

By vegeta - 24/12/2018 20:00

Today, I’ve been getting sexy messages from an unknown number. First I told her to stop multiple times, then I blocked her. I can only assume that she changed her number and managed to find me and message me again. My girlfriend saw the messages and told me flatly “It’s over.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 910

You deserved it 190

By jojo - 06/05/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 457

You deserved it 12 834

By emergencyroom - 15/03/2014 12:21 - United States - Parkton

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 398

You deserved it 9 361

By chloeleigholivia - 10/01/2016 19:55 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 264

You deserved it 5 066

Good morning!

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 761

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 02/08/2009 21:20 - Canada

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 804

You deserved it 51 900

By BreechInEducation - 27/11/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 539

You deserved it 919

By KC - 25/04/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 332

You deserved it 8 704

Hashtag ForeverAlone

By Forever Alone - 16/05/2019 06:14

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 640

You deserved it 269

By wreckdit - 12/10/2016 23:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 637

You deserved it 707

By rackman007 - 13/05/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 255

You deserved it 91 819

By callerid - 03/08/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 368

You deserved it 3 762

By Aly - 09/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 037

You deserved it 5 805

Stay in school, kids...

By Anonymous - 30/12/2017 01:30

Today, my son told me he got a tattoo to honour our German heritage. The bloody fool got an eagle and swastika on his arm. I had to explain to a 20-year-old what WWII was. He’s now researching laser removal. Idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 585

You deserved it 1 271

By short&stout - 26/08/2017 20:00

Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 193

You deserved it 695

By Karansuni - 14/10/2013 10:38 - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 032

You deserved it 3 370

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Top comments

piedpiper303 29

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:27

Well I guess you could say that's a.... *gets shot*

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:30

Next time walk out of your room in a normal way and yell "I'm taking a poop!"

Comments

piedpiper303 29

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:27

Well I guess you could say that's a.... *gets shot*

JosephMoore77 8

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Monday 3 February 2014 5:06

Oh shit, he just got shot

Medieval_Unicorn 24

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Monday 3 February 2014 5:34

SHITTY SITUATION (cowers in corner waiting for ridicule and hatred)

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Monday 3 February 2014 13:24

The only time it gets thumbed up

jackthekeeper 24

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Friday 22 July 2016 0:02

shotty situation

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:27

Well that's kinda crappy of them.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:46

Go to the corner & think about what you've done.

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Monday 3 February 2014 5:52

#3's pun was shitty.

applebramble 22

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Monday 3 February 2014 7:59

@ #51, oh you hypocrite .

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:29

Jeez, paranoid much?

Morqan_Freeman 14

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Monday 3 February 2014 3:42

Is it just me or are the parents freaking out possibly because OP has sneaked out before?

SkyGuy32 17

Monday 3 February 2014 6:16

My mom yelled at me for getting out of bed to pee. Then she blamed a friend that I had had over for a sleepover a couple nights before, saying that he "makes me think I can get up out of bed all the time." My mom is insane.

invadermaythe1st 35

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Monday 3 February 2014 8:54

Your mum really is ._.

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Monday 3 February 2014 13:37

Stay in your room and shit in a bag OP!

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:29

thats bullshit.

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Monday 3 February 2014 3:06

No, that's Op's shit.

invadermaythe1st 35

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Monday 3 February 2014 8:57

No.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:30

Next time walk out of your room in a normal way and yell "I'm taking a poop!"

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Monday 3 February 2014 4:31

Plan B for sneaking out: #7.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:30

Last I checked, sneaking out actually involves going out. Of the house.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:42

Well, it depends, if you're going out of your room dressed as you're going out of the house, there's reason for suspicion. While if OP was dressed in pijamas the parents are just too imaginative, unless OP did sneak out of the house that way before.

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Monday 3 February 2014 4:24

yeah the parents should have waited to hear OP going to open the door to go outside and theeen said something!

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Monday 3 February 2014 16:14

Well (assuming the OP has 2+ floors in their home), unless you're going to jump through the window, which I don't recommend, your bedroom door is the next step.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:32

Does your nightgown look like a party dress?

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Monday 3 February 2014 7:39

This comment is going to be awkward if OP's a dude.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:34

Take pics to prove it.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:43

really?

IAmNotAnAnimal 9

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:44

pics or it didn't happen

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Monday 3 February 2014 4:23

pictures of what? human waste? no.. that's a little much.

stevothedevo 25

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 18:42

That's fucked up

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:37

OP, I believe that the best solution here would be every time you have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, knock on your parents door and ask permission.

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:44

no dont knock. just use their bathroom

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Monday 3 February 2014 3:58

I think OP will be writing a new FML involving brain bleach if they they skip knocking.

rocker_chick105 31

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Monday 3 February 2014 12:57

Sounds just like high school...

perdix 29

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Monday 3 February 2014 2:42

Caught trying to bring on the midnight Cleveland Steamer, eh?

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 148

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170

You deserved it 434

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 713