Kids: Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really... - FML

By stpry of my life - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

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Out of it

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Public transport FTW

By ThatTrafficCone - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

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By corgi problems - 15/9/2020 20:05

Doggy dog world

Today, I walked into my house after my nightshift as a nurse and my corgi had the house turned upside down, with things everywhere. I have people coming to look at the house in 2 hours. FML

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By dumbass

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By doomed - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By disappoint - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

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By yee-whore - United States - Waterbury

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley"

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

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By Puppy_Killer - 16/12/2020 23:02 - Australia

Murderer!

Today, I was backing out of my garage when my neighbour's collie ran behind my car. Unfortunately, I didn't see it, but I heard a thump. They were out, so I rushed him to the vet's. I was upset, and I guess I was driving too fast and didn't see that another dog was crossing the road. I killed two dogs today. FML

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By struckbystarzz - United States - Taunton

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

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By Chicketi - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sydney

Today, while buying paint, I began to help an elderly woman working to lift some heavy boxes. She told me what a nice young lady I was. Then her boss came over, screamed at her for being lazy and fired her. She cried. So did I. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

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By bullsonyourface

Bread is serious stuff

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

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By jgboy - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I took my girlfriend of a year out on a date, a nice fancy dinner and a movie. After dinner, I said that I was feeling sick and just wanted to go home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that dinner was so expensive that I didn't have money for the movie. FML

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By missyoudad. - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

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By wurtabang - United States

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I've picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

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By PizzaNIF - United States - Henderson

Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML

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By RaYan

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

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By Leo Scofield - 29/8/2020 02:00

It's not the size that counts

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

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By fml9124

Et tu, Doggo?

Today, as usual, my neighbor's 9 year-old son came over after school. I work from home so he stays until his mom gets home. My dog mopes around the house until 3 p.m., then gets all excited because he has a friend to play with. I'm almost jealous because a dog I've had for 11 years likes him more than me. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Sintra

Today, while on the bus, an elderly man fell asleep on my shoulder. He looked sweet, so I didn't push him off. A few minutes later, the bus jolted and his head slipped down into my breasts. I'm pretty sure you don't smile like that when you're really asleep. FML

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By fuzzle003 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML

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By Shocked - United States

Today, I was watching TV. During a very long commercial break, I found my brothers PSP charger next to me. Out of boredom I put my tongue on the end on the metal. Not only did it fry my tongue but found its way to my metal filling in my tooth. I now have a sore tongue and a throbbing toothache. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By Hailey - United States

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend. I am at my Aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she is taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By Krash The Koopa - 2/12/2020 11:58 - United States - Litchfield Park

Convoluted storyline

Today, I discovered that the actress who played a girl I have a crush on faked her résumé. Not only that, but she wasn’t even interested in acting, she just wanted a job. And boom, she also voted for Trump. And I STILL have a crush on her character. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of incredibly painful stomach cramps, I convinced my mom that I needed to see a doctor. Not even 2 minutes into the exam, the doctor tells me that I'm heavily constipated and advised some "prune juice" to help "clear all that shit out". My mom won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By ismerf19

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was having trouble sleeping, and I was almost asleep when I got a call from one of those spam places. They left a voicemail, which I made the mistake of listening to. The voice was so slowed down, it was very creepy, especially late at night. I don't think I'll be sleeping at all tonight. FML

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By Jukka

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

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By Username

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

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By trashcanned - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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Top comments

By efemivida | 0

#9038 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:01

Hopefully it was more awkward for the people who didn't invite her. They probably felt bad seeing her there by herself.

By PureGold | 0

#9018 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:27

Aww!! You were just trying to do something nice...sucks that it backfired :(. Your niece will forgive you one day...

COMMENTS

By candyaddict_fml | 0

#9011 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:16

aww dat really sucks!! well i dnt see an upside frm diz srry

Reply

dav3800 | 7

#3896572 - Tuesday 17 January 2012 4:50

Your grammar disgusts me, #1.

Reply

NiallsMofo | 1

#4832393 - Saturday 18 August 2012 23:06

I really want to throw a dictionary at your face.

Reply

Carloshlz | 1

#5458475 - Sunday 21 April 2013 16:15

#1 i really hope #57 throws a dictionary at your face.

Reply

FkMeSleep | 5

#5883393 - Thursday 13 March 2014 0:31

I really want to feel sorry for the kid.... but #1s comment is too distracting. Maybe if someone threw a dictionary at them it'll lodge in their skull and they'll learn something.... just saying....

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6336520 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 17:34

57, go for it

Reply

TisButAScratch | 10

#6600480 - Sunday 8 May 2016 21:21

ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

Reply

PainInTheAsss | 16

#6660015 - Thursday 28 July 2016 21:17

I think google translate is broken, because it won't translate this foreign language.

Reply

childproofpizza | 19

#6709438 - Friday 4 November 2016 20:19

Stupidity has no language

By luckyyyme | 0

#9014 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:22

Aww :[ poor niece!

By k649 | 0

#9017 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:25

Well...that is just bad luck.

By PureGold | 0

#9018 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:27

Aww!! You were just trying to do something nice...sucks that it backfired :(. Your niece will forgive you one day...

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#9021 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:29

awkward!

By efemivida | 0

#9038 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:01

Hopefully it was more awkward for the people who didn't invite her. They probably felt bad seeing her there by herself.

By suckerz | 0

#9073 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:56

why would they not invite her??? should have thrown food at the brthday kid... morons

By King_of_Kings | 3

#9089 - Saturday 28 February 2009 5:16

the 5 year old girl can just say to the others ha ha, i still got to go to chuck E cheese. ha ha

By redroses5 | 0

#9091 - Saturday 28 February 2009 5:20

@15.. doubt it. It must've been so awkward for her.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#9093 - Saturday 28 February 2009 5:25

hell, i would do that.