Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really... - FML

By stpry of my life - 27/2/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

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Proactive

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Great guy

By YOURMOM - 31/12/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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By Nikki - 3/8/2009 13:26 - United States

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

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By Mr_Jah - 4/7/2016 20:33 - United States - Boerne

Today, I got offered a free $80 salon haircut by a girl I've liked for awhile. Thinking this was my chance to get close to her, I accepted, only to find out it was for a class her boyfriend was teaching. He was the one cutting my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 12:00

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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By mazzer - 4/1/2012 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad had a day off and was 'bored' so he decided to move our entire kitchen into our living room. We now have no running water, no oven that works and the entire house is a bombsite. He has an entire week off. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 03:27 - United States

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

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By furbys69 - 31/5/2017 09:00 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 20:22 - United States

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

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By synn - 24/2/2010 05:19 - Singapore

Today, I went for a job briefing, and after that was told to do some editing for them. When I asked the person whether I was paid for the day, she laughed and said no. She was serious. FML

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By wtf - 14/3/2011 04:07

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By Raprotcommander - 7/2/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2014 12:16 - Australia

Today, we spent the day with my grandmother. During a family conversation,, my sweet little grandmother looked me up and down, and without any hesitation said, "I remember you being so beautiful," before looking at my mother, mouthing, "What happened?" and laughing. She's 87. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2015 00:29 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

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By ForeSight - 14/8/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

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By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2016 11:49 - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 03:28 - United States - Salem

Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

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By I Feel Horrible - 20/7/2014 17:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 00:17 - United States

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

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By facepalmshroomer - 7/2/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

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By firecrotch - 4/6/2010 05:36 - United States

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 18:05 - United States - Haslet

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 19:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:09 - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

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By Chels - 4/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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By anonymous - 14/1/2012 11:42 - Australia

Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 17:44 - Netherlands - Haarlem

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 18:30

Hoarders Gonna Hoard

Today, I was helping my uncle clean his house. He's a bit of a hoarder, so I suggested donating some of his pots. We got into a fight and I left. He then called my mom to claim that I stole his pots. After being yelled at he realized that they were in his dishwasher. FML

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By User06606 - 29/9/2009 11:31 - United States

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

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By thecaptainmorgan - 12/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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By Jess - 4/5/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

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By Stranded - 17/7/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By Rita - 10/12/2008 04:58 - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

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By machina - 16/7/2019 04:01

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

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By jmac - 11/3/2012 03:06 - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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Top comments

By efemivida | 0

#9038 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:01

Hopefully it was more awkward for the people who didn't invite her. They probably felt bad seeing her there by herself.

By PureGold | 0

#9018 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:27

Aww!! You were just trying to do something nice...sucks that it backfired :(. Your niece will forgive you one day...

COMMENTS

By candyaddict_fml | 0

#9011 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:16

aww dat really sucks!! well i dnt see an upside frm diz srry

Reply

dav3800 | 7

#3896572 - Tuesday 17 January 2012 4:50

Your grammar disgusts me, #1.

Reply

NiallsMofo | 1

#4832393 - Saturday 18 August 2012 23:06

I really want to throw a dictionary at your face.

Reply

Carloshlz | 1

#5458475 - Sunday 21 April 2013 16:15

#1 i really hope #57 throws a dictionary at your face.

Reply

FkMeSleep | 5

#5883393 - Thursday 13 March 2014 0:31

I really want to feel sorry for the kid.... but #1s comment is too distracting. Maybe if someone threw a dictionary at them it'll lodge in their skull and they'll learn something.... just saying....

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6336520 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 17:34

57, go for it

Reply

TisButAScratch | 10

#6600480 - Sunday 8 May 2016 21:21

ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

Reply

PainInTheAsss | 16

#6660015 - Thursday 28 July 2016 21:17

I think google translate is broken, because it won't translate this foreign language.

Reply

childproofpizza | 19

#6709438 - Friday 4 November 2016 20:19

Stupidity has no language

By luckyyyme | 0

#9014 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:22

Aww :[ poor niece!

By k649 | 0

#9017 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:25

Well...that is just bad luck.

By PureGold | 0

#9018 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:27

Aww!! You were just trying to do something nice...sucks that it backfired :(. Your niece will forgive you one day...

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#9021 - Saturday 28 February 2009 2:29

awkward!

By efemivida | 0

#9038 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:01

Hopefully it was more awkward for the people who didn't invite her. They probably felt bad seeing her there by herself.

By suckerz | 0

#9073 - Saturday 28 February 2009 3:56

why would they not invite her??? should have thrown food at the brthday kid... morons

By King_of_Kings | 3

#9089 - Saturday 28 February 2009 5:16

the 5 year old girl can just say to the others ha ha, i still got to go to chuck E cheese. ha ha

By redroses5 | 0

#9091 - Saturday 28 February 2009 5:20

@15.. doubt it. It must've been so awkward for her.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#9093 - Saturday 28 February 2009 5:25

hell, i would do that.