Kids: Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in... - FML

By 2old4thiscrap - United States

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML

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Instadrama

Dementia or hate? You decide

Trust

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my family threw me a surprise party for my 29th Birthday. My brother-in-law sent me a text telling me they were all waiting for me to arrive. Thinking it was at my sister's home, I drove two hours there. It was actually at my parents' house. I missed my party and they ate my cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 17:03

This charming man

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

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By crowded - 20/5/2020 23:00

Crowded House

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

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By sickness and health my sphincter - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

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By Lisa - United States

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. FML

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By germophobe - Canada - Calgary

Today, my roommate came back from camping. My toothbrush magically reappeared as well. FML

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By BurnedByAWaiter

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that "it's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

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By buttpain

Today, being a snow day, I decided to take a nice nap before resuming cleaning my room. Changed back into pajamas, climbed into bed, and found that one of the cats peed on my sheets. I've made negative progress, and had my underwear soaked in someone else's cold urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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By the dog won - 16/7/2020 14:01

In the cold

Today, after being tired of my husband acting like I’m invisible, giving more attention and affection to the dog than to me, and me going to spend a few nights at my sister’s house, he texted me, "You coming home to make dinner or what?" on the second day. It's now day 4 and he hasn’t said anything else since. FML

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By killmenow - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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He is worried

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

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By HoratioNo - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

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By wtf - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML

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By LonelyMonkey - United States

Today, I received an eviction notice taped to my door stating my landlord is selling his property and moving out of the country in 13 days. My landlord is my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By TheSacredTeddyBear - United States - Independence

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

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By justhelpful - Austria - Mils

Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML

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By twnty1 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

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By dontask - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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By savagepixie

Ex-Lax Time

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, and he thought it would be funny to steal my ring and "pretend" to swallow it. I tried to get it back, but unfortunately I "surprised" him. He reckons I'll get it back some time tomorrow. FML

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By arrestedgun - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By Hlaalette - Belgium

Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I texted this girl that I really like. I got a message back saying "Your message to 903-***-**** could not go through due to a disconnection, thanks, Alltel services." I overheard her later at lunch saying she sent the message, and laughed with her friends about it. FML

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By ellieowenie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

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Crazy party

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By That guy - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By nanall - United States

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

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By Chelstable

Today, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I didn't get it from drinking, but rather from puking 6 times off the side of a fishing boat. Fishing was the one thing my husband wanted to do while on vacation, even though I'm 3 months pregnant and have a bad stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 14:02

Queef Richards

Today, I had two customers who had some questions about their phones. Walking over, my cooch graced us with an audible fart sound that I‘m sure everybody heard. FML

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Top comments

By jillianb34 | 0

#710751 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:05

i love coloring books :)

By too_curvy | 0

#710759 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:07

haha! 21yo female, I love coloring books.

COMMENTS

By jillianb34 | 0

#710751 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:05

i love coloring books :)

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#710806 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:26

Same here:)

Reply

ZombieKnickers_fml | 8

#710870 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:56

Doesn't everyone?

Reply

YayAmerica | 0

#710886 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 0:10

The real tragedy is that he's so insecure that he would consider this an FML. FHL.

By twiddleFig | 0

#710756 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:07

lol, i do the same thing

By too_curvy | 0

#710759 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:07

haha! 21yo female, I love coloring books.

Reply

Zoomer117 | 1

#710775 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:12

hey what does MLIA mean?

By youaredumb | 0

#710760 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:08

This isn't an FML. This is a MLIA!

By pearls | 0

#710771 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:13

They would lap this up if it were to be posted on MLIA ;)

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#710772 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:12

I wish it wasn't so, but this would definitely get posted on MLIA. I hate what that site has become.

By elyssarae | 0

#710779 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:14

Haha I agree. I love coloring books, and this should be an MLIA since you have time to even color! :]]

By vyper360 | 0

#710788 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:18

MLIA is mylifeisaverage

By robertsk89 | 0

#710790 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:19

woah coloring was one if my favorite past times when I was a child. I should retake it up

By Person1233 | 12

#710803 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:23

MLIA?

Reply

Person1233 | 12

#710874 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:58

Today, FML is moderating random comments. I feel oppressed. FML.