Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in... - FML

By 2old4thiscrap - United States

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML

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Monetize your shit life

Craft beer bores

Laundry drama

By skiergal98

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

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By Laurendorcus - France

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

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By Kay Jacline Salvatierra - 15/4/2020 05:00

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

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By Anonymous - Botswana - Francistown

Today, after more than a year of being single, I finally had sex. Unfortunately, it was only in a dream, and after we finished, he told me that I'm terrible in bed. Even my dream-lover is a dick. FML

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By Janer88 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. So I did. Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. FML

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By j_Lauren - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

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By itsawonderfulife - United States

Today, I was walking around my new school trying to figure out where to go. Then I realized I was talking to myself. Out loud. FML

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By FYLyfer - United States

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

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By Shouldaknown - United States

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

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By maidmyday - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

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By fishtities - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By lonely

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

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By photomark - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

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By millavitsa - Ukraine

Today, my mom asked me why MS Word keeps underlining some words. After I tried to convince her that you're supposed to put a space after commas, she started yelling at me for making her look stupid. I can never win. FML

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By ilook12 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

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By microlovin - United States - Pasadena

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By customerservicesucks - Canada

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

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By Lex - United States

Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

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By browniepoints - United States

Today, it dawned on me that the most romantic thing my husband has done in the last three years, was a put a wedding ring on his xbox avatar. FML

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By Forgotten One - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

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By freakedout - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. So much for spice. FML

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By catguy - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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By achoooo - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By nobodylovesme - United States - Northridge

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

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By jamjamy - France

Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

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By Anonymous

I am the law

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

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By depresso - Canada

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2020 23:02

Is this a joke?

Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML

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Top comments

By jillianb34 | 0

#710751 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:05

i love coloring books :)

By too_curvy | 0

#710759 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:07

haha! 21yo female, I love coloring books.

COMMENTS

By jillianb34 | 0

#710751 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:05

i love coloring books :)

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#710806 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:26

Same here:)

Reply

ZombieKnickers_fml | 8

#710870 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:56

Doesn't everyone?

Reply

YayAmerica | 0

#710886 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 0:10

The real tragedy is that he's so insecure that he would consider this an FML. FHL.

By twiddleFig | 0

#710756 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:07

lol, i do the same thing

By too_curvy | 0

#710759 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:07

haha! 21yo female, I love coloring books.

Reply

Zoomer117 | 1

#710775 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:12

hey what does MLIA mean?

By youaredumb | 0

#710760 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:08

This isn't an FML. This is a MLIA!

By pearls | 0

#710771 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:13

They would lap this up if it were to be posted on MLIA ;)

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#710772 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:12

I wish it wasn't so, but this would definitely get posted on MLIA. I hate what that site has become.

By elyssarae | 0

#710779 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:14

Haha I agree. I love coloring books, and this should be an MLIA since you have time to even color! :]]

By vyper360 | 0

#710788 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:18

MLIA is mylifeisaverage

By robertsk89 | 0

#710790 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:19

woah coloring was one if my favorite past times when I was a child. I should retake it up

By Person1233 | 12

#710803 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:23

MLIA?

Reply

Person1233 | 12

#710874 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:58

Today, FML is moderating random comments. I feel oppressed. FML.