Work: Today, I was at my job at an old folks home, and I was cleaning... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at my job at an old folks home, and I was cleaning off a table when one old lady looks up at me and says "I've been a dirty dirty girl" in a seductive tone, I thought she meant about the table so I said "yes you have" then she winked at me, I walked away fast. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Our house, in the middle of our street

Vulture

By a single fuck - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

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By What a happy day - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

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By Hungry

I am hungry

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

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By Fatty - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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By BerzerkelyBongBabe - United States

Today, after 18 years of struggling to provide my daughter with the finest educational opportunities I could afford, I dropped her off to start school at the best public university in the U.S. So far the only thing she's learned is what weed smells like. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my child's kindergarten teacher told me that my child said, "My mom drinks wine and lays down." I don't drink alcohol, although at times I drink juice in a wine glass. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm an alcoholic. FML

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By Sam - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out why my girlfriend removed me from Facebook last week. Turns out she didn't want me to see pics of her with a new boyfriend. How I found out? My coworker, her new boyfriend, left his messenger open during lunch. FML

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By ledentist - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

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By stupid - United States - Middleton

Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

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By buggermonster - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

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By HomeAlone - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

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By eagerbeaver - United States

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML

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By STOP - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

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By Jared - United States

Today, I picked up my car after I got it painted. As I backed up in the parking lot, my car scraped against a pillar. Now I have to put it right back in the shop. FML

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By Enni

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By jjkk - 16/4/2021 08:00

Joke detection fail

Today, my friend told me that his girlfriend is so mad at me for being friends with him that she's going to kill me with a weapon. I called the cops, because I didn’t feel safe. Later, my friend called me to tell me he was joking, and that I was stupid for believing him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

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By John - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

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By novdestiny

Today, I discovered that, because my boyfriend has locked himself out of his car so many times, he now keeps a coat hanger to break in. He keeps it IN the car. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By sarahwittman - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

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By Nemesis2747 - United States

Today, I took a friend home from the hospital. She was on medication that made her drowsy. She fell onto her bed and asked me to help her take off some clothes since she had her winter gear on. She passes out and her roommate walks in and catches me undressing an unconscious girl. FML

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By Vahootie - United States

Today, my parents refused to visit me at college because "the flights are too expensive." They are currently shopping for a new car to replace my mother's two-year-old Porsche. FML

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By Cooky - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

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By TrulyYours - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

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By Rory - United States

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

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By lovealways22 - United States - Littleton

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

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By Sarri - United States - Pembroke

Today, I worked up the courage to sing at an open mic night. I lost my cool halfway through because all I could hear was laughter. FML

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By santasadiekins - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

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By thanks mom ¬_¬ - United States - Carlsbad

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

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By Gothicbunnyx3 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

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By boylookingirl - United States

Today, my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl. Well I'm a girl and when it was my turn it didn't change. FML

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By oink oink... - United States - Mason

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has decided my new nickname will be "Oink Oink". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

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Top comments

By grocky | 0

#297340 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:02

That's revolting.

By Jimboom | 11

#297361 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:06

You knew exactly what she meant and you liked it!! ;)

COMMENTS

By grocky | 0

#297340 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:02

That's revolting.

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#979668 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 6:17

agreed thts BEYOND gross lol

Reply

Lolerskatez | 0

#1713600 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:19

You should take what you can get if that's you're life cause you ain't goin much further xD

By xxmollyxx | 25

#297342 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:03

Haha well old people need loving too.

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3146112 - Saturday 20 August 2011 15:56

But they gotta pay.

By Jimboom | 11

#297361 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:06

You knew exactly what she meant and you liked it!! ;)

Reply

emmah_15 | 0

#650816 - Monday 2 November 2009 15:09

LOL PROBABLY .

By paigeharper | 0

#297369 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:08

why would that even matter..ok so she winked and walked away? big deal!

Reply

Sgt_Minty | 0

#3186420 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:53

Op walked away after she winked...

By XAMezaki | 0

#297376 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:09

Maybe she mistaked you for someone else? My friend's grandmother sometimes mistakes him for his father.

Reply

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3907506 - Thursday 19 January 2012 5:56

Mistook* or has mistaken* come on generation. We're already in the "dumb shit" hole.

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6293694 - Sunday 17 May 2015 22:09

grammer is erverrated

By tranman978 | 0

#297384 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:10

HEADLINE
Old woman rapes boy

By inface2b | 0

#297391 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:11

Its just creepy that some. Old lady would be like that, i'd have walked away too

By Rebii | 0

#297396 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:13

Eww, old people.

By texMan_fml | 0

#297397 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:13

Test

By a_z0_9_fml | 0

#297405 - Friday 12 June 2009 16:15

hahaha that sounds like the old people at the place i used to work at.